Chapter 18- Voice Within
When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream ,of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain, of the heartache life can bring and what it means
When there's no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength, that will guide your way
You will learn to begin, to trust the voice within
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed, it's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold, when you're lost outside look inside to your soul
Voice Within by Christina Aguilera
It had been almost two months since Rylee had left for Denerim and still the Prince of Starkhaven remained in the city trying to wait her out. Sebastian must have paid handsomely to receive excellent intelligence on Rylee and knew that she remained in the city. At least she was safe within the Palace walls, but the need to see her again grew stronger and stronger with each passing day. However, he was at an impasse; he couldn't go to her because he was a wanted fugitive and she couldn't come back to him because of the Prince's threats to see her dead. So he waited, longing and yearning for her and he didn't even have the memories of their years together to fall back on to keep him sustained. He had a few flashes of their life, stories that Varric told that endeared her even more to him and personal accounts from Justice, but despite the lack of recall, all that Anders' heart and soul wanted was her.
Anders had spent most the morning training several younger mages in the ring when his hunger pains finally got the better of him and he headed into the dining hall for lunch. Lillah saw him and waved him over.
He smiled at his friend, "Yes, Commander."
"I have been meaning to talk with you and Varel has actually given me time off for good behavior. Would you mind having lunch with me in my office?"
"I would be delighted," Anders replied.
"Great! After you get cleaned up meet me there," Lillah said.
Anders raised an eyebrow, "Are you saying that I stink?"
"Worse than an Oghren ale fart!"
Anders laughed, "If I was that bad, you would have been passed out already."
"I've been holding my breath this entire time," Lillah huffed as she breathed through her mouth.
"Well, we all can't smell like a bouquet of roses, you know. Some of us do work for a living," he teased.
Lillah raised her arm and smelled, "It more like honeysuckle than roses and you're a mage, Anders. Use some magic on yourself before subjecting your fellow Wardens to your stench."
"What smell would you prefer me to wear today, Milady? Rotting darkspawn corpse, broodmother vomit or Oghren's ass? They all come highly recommended."
Lillah giggled and Anders saw a glimpse of the old Lillah shining through. "I believe Oghren's ass is the vilest of them all...let's go with that."
"Your wish is most certainly my command. One dose of Oghren's ass, coming up! I hope no one else is joining us for lunch they may not have a strong enough stomach for that."
Lillah smiled at him, "I will see you soon."
A short time later, Anders arrived at Lil's office, he knocked then entered and stopped dead in his tracks. She had ordered them a delicious looking meal of lamb stew, fresh baked rolls and Maker's breath… lemon meringue pie to be served.
Anders looked up at her, "Are you turning me over to the templars and is this supposed to be my last meal?"
"Well, not before I start chanting 'dead mage walking!'" Lillah grinned. "I just wanted to have a nice lunch with an old friend…well, in your case it's actually two old friends."
"Hey! Speak for yourself, Ole' girl, we're not old. We are still in the prime of our life, thank you very much. It's not like I'm using my staff as a walking stick yet."
Lillah laughed, she gestured for him to take a seat as she poured each of them a glass of wine then sat down across from him. "I know that we didn't get off to the best start when you arrived, Anders, and I want you to know that I truly appreciate you not mentioning to Rylee, my feeble attempt to seduce you."
"Oh, that's what that was?" Anders questioned.
Lillah's cheeks blushed, "Well obviously it was so pathetic you couldn't even tell what it was."
"How do you know that I didn't bring it up to Rylee?"
"Because if you had, I would have received a letter tearing me a new one, using every name in the book and probably a few new ones that Rylee and Isabela would have invented especially for me."
"Isabela, yes, but I think Ry might have magically grown some wings just to fly over here and kick your ass in such a fashion that you'd think you were the new Archdemon."
Lillah raised an eyebrow, "And how would you know that? Has your memories come back?"
"Not all of them, but I know without a doubt that when Rylee loves someone so fiercely, she would do anything to protect them; even if she has to get into a fight with her closest family member to do it."
Lillah smiled, "I see that you have used your time here wisely to reflect and observe on your relationship with Rylee. Have you also taken the time to do the same with Justice?"
"Justice is not a problem. We have everything under control," Anders replied defensively.
"That isn't what I asked, Anders. If you don't take the time to reflect on your past mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them. I for one would like to forgo anymore Chantries being blown up. I would think you and Justice would want the same thing."
"Yes of course, but I am gaining control of my anger. It's just a difficult process to work through. I am trying."
"I understand that, but understanding the root of the anger and coming to terms with that will help you control it."
Anders ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I don't know how, Lil. I can't help what I feel. Surely you can understand that."
"Yes, I can. All mages have faced cruel templars and mistreatment at their hands, but you feel those abuses much deeper than most, and you have allowed the oppression of mages to twist your empathy and compassion into anger and vengeance." She paused for a moment as she collected her thoughts. She reached across the table and clasped his hand. "Anders, I heard rumors of the templars brutal treatment of you the numerous times you were brought back to Circle, and if half of those stories are true then you have every reason to be angry, bitter and want revenge, but holding on to those feelings will only destroy you. You have to deal with what has been done to you so that you can release it and move on."
She is as wise as her cousin and she is right, Anders. I have seen the images of the abuses you suffered in your mind. They are horrible and cruel and no one should inflict that type of pain on another, but you have to find a way to come terms with it.
"How do I do that, Lil? How do I come to terms with it?"
She was silent for a long moment, "I have never suffered the way that you have, but I have known pain and heartache…when I ended everything with Alistair, I wrote him a letter and poured my soul into it. I told him how he had crushed my heart, shattered my dreams and nearly broke me… the damn thing was nearly ten pages long. I never sent it to him; when I sat down to write it I never had any intention of ever sending it to him. It was the process that helped me to heal. It was liberating to say everything I ever wanted to say to him, no matter how vile and not worry about the repercussions. It was cathartic, healing and most importantly freeing. You could start there, Anders. Your wounds are deeper than mine, but that would be a good place to start."
Anders was humbled by Lillah's concern for him and her willingness to help him deal with these issues. Only another Circle mage could truly understand what he had been through and the abuses he had witnessed, he was grateful to her.
"Thank you, Lil. I really appreciate your council and you're right I need to find a way to deal with my past so that I don't allow it to destroy my future."
She squeezed his hand; he lifted his head and looked into her eyes. He saw compassion, love and he could swear there was also sadness there. "If you love Rylee, the way you say you do, then you must come to terms with this. If you don't and you and Justice head down that same path, you will destroy her."
Anders heart quickened with panic, "Why do you say that?"
"I know you gave Varric her journal, but did you bother to read the last few entries leading up to the destruction of the Chantry?" Anders shook his head. "You might want to read those. I'm sure they are more in depth than the letters she sent me and her account to me was heartbreaking."
Anders was shocked as pain shot through his heart at the thought of hurting her. "I-I don't know what to say. I can't imagine ever hurting her…"
"It wasn't deliberate, Anders, but watching someone you love mentally spiral out of control has to be a scary and painful thing to live through. I don't know if I would have had the strength to witness that."
Tears stung Anders' eyes as the realization of what Rylee had been through, what she had endured and the strength it took to stand by him, hit him full force. "I definitely will ask Varric for the journal back… Rylee is the most important thing in my life. I would do anything to ensure that I don't hurt her again, not if there is something I can do to prevent it."
Lillah smiled at him. "Good, that is what I wanted to hear, Anders. I love my cousin and I love you too. I don't want to see either one of you getting hurt."
When they had finished their lunch, Anders went in search of Varric. It came as no surprise to find him with Oghren, sharing a pitcher of ale out in the field behind the Keep.
"Well, what a shocker to find two dwarves sucking down ale in the middle of the day," Anders said dryly.
"It's afternoon, and no dwarf worth his beard would be caught dead without a mug of ale in his hand," Oghren grunted.
"Are you trying to imply something about my lack of a beard?" Varric asked.
"Never, I just question if you really are a dwarf, that's all," Oghren replied.
"I am two times more dwarf than you. You look like a female bronto compared to a fine debonair dwarf like me," Varric retorted.
Oghren snorted. "No dwarf I know has a crazy obsession with a sissy crossbow that he named after a woman."
"You both look like fat, miniature elves, but that's just my opinion," Anders stated.
"That's it! Death a la mage, coming up!" Oghren bellowed.
"Oh look! There's Felsi," Anders shouted as he pointed toward the Keep.
"I'm not falling for that one again Sparkle Fingers," Oghren grunted as he began to lift his mug to take a sip. In mid-air, Oghren paused as he went all cross-eyed and fell back completely passed out cold.
Varric looked at the dwarf beside him and then at Anders, "You're a healer, aren't you going to heal him."
"There is no cure for stupidity," Anders replied solemnly. "Look Varric, I need to borrow Rylee's journal for a bit."
"Is it 'trick a dwarf day' and no one informed me about it? I'm not falling for that one. How do I know you'll give it back?"
"You have my word, when I'm through with it, I will give it back," Anders vowed.
"Alright, I can live with that. What do you want it back for anyway? I thought you knew everything you wanted to know."
"I need to read about those last months leading up to the destruction of the Chantry." Varric's face went pale. "Is it that bad?" Anders asked.
"All I'll say is. Have a few shots of brandy before attempting to read it. And if you have any questions don't hesitate to come see me."
"Seriously, Varric, how bad was it? How bad did I hurt her?"
"If you want brutal honesty, Blondie, I'll give it to you. Hawke is the strongest person I know and to say that you crushed her and brought her to her knees would be an understatement."
Anders felt the bile begin to rise up his throat as everything started to spin. He grabbed for a tree to hold onto when he felt a hand smack him across the face. "Don't you dare pass out me, Anders. One comatose dwarf is all I have the patience to deal with today."
With the journal and a bottle of wine in hand, Anders made his way to his room. When he entered, he found that a letter had been delivered for him and his heart skipped a beat when he recognized Rylee's handwriting. He broke the seal and smiled as he read.
Dear Anders,
Your letter brought a smile to my face and hope to my heart. At the same time, I'm afraid of letting that hope grow. When I left there was a lot that was left unsaid between us and it has left this feeling of being both scared and at peace, of having butterflies while also a sense of calm. I'm not sure if you are feeling the same way, but if you are, I think after all that we have been through, that is a good thing. We have been through our share of storms and we have come out of them stronger together. I hope that we will fair this storm too and come out even better.
Anders, there are so many things I want to say to you, but I don't want to put any additional pressure on you by saying things that would make you feel uneasy or that you simply don't want to hear. So I will simply say that I wish that I didn't have to miss you. I wish there wasn't this distance between us and I wish that I didn't have to try and understand if you don't feel the same way because you have no memory of us.
Wishing you were here,
Rylee
Anders smiled as he read the letter again. He agreed that when she left there was a lot left unsaid between them. He knew that he hurt her even if unintentionally. He could understand her being reluctant to open up to him and he knew it was up to him to make take the first step in making things right between them. He wanted her to know without a doubt, she was the only one for him.
He pulled out a piece of parchment and began to write.
My dear beautiful Rylee,
If I were given three wishes, I would first ask to wake up in your arms every day for the rest of my life. I want to breathe in the same air you breathe, I want to see your smiling face and feel your warmth next to me. My second wish would be that I never harm you, disappoint you, or break your heart again. I only want to love you like no one ever has before. I want to cherish you the way you deserved to be. I want to spend the rest of my days bringing you only joy. My third wish - it really is very simple – it's that you would tell me that you want these things too. I know I've hurt you, I don't deserve your forgiveness…I definitely don't deserve you, but if you could possibly find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain that I have caused you and that you still love me and want me with you, I will be the happiest man alive.
One word from you, Love, and I am sure this can be done, because I love you, Rylee, more today than I did before and it only gets stronger with time; it doesn't fade. I will always love you; this much I'm sure of. I don't want diamonds, gold or a million sovereigns. None of that could make me as happy as I would be to just have you in my life once again!
You are my life, my heart and my soul!
Anders
Anders sealed the letter and had it sent off immediately. For the first time in weeks he had hope and something to look forward to. Then he poured himself a large glass of wine and settled on his bed to read her journal. He started about ten pages from the last entry.
It has been touch and go for the past couple of days and now that I'm back, I swear I was in the Fade. I saw Father, Mother and Carver. Father hugged me, he told me he loved me and how proud he was of me. It all seemed so real, but Bethany said she never lost my pulse, that not even for a second did I slip to the other side, so it had to have been a dream.
Anders heart was pounding in his chest. She almost died, she had been in the Fade and her sister was healing her. Where the hell was he?
Justice, where were we?
I know nothing of this. I'm sorry.
Anders continued reading.
When I finally woke, I was relieved to find that I was in my own bed and to see my sister smiling down at me, but as I glanced around the room at my friends that were there standing vigil over me, one face was missing. I asked where Anders was and Isabela bitterly stated that Anders was nowhere to be found. He hadn't been home for three the days that I had been at deaths door, he hadn't been at the clinic either. As my friends realized just how bad things had become, the looks of pity that they gave me made the bile rise into my throat, but I remained strong and it wasn't until the door closed after the person left that I allowed myself to cry. My lover, my best friend, my bonded soul mate had no idea how close he had come to losing me and he never would. I made each and every one of my friends give me their word that they would never breathe a word of this to Anders. The real question is - is there even enough of Anders left that he would even care if I had died.
Tears ran down Anders' cheeks as his heart clenched in his chest.
What the fuck, Justice? What did we do to her that she would think I wouldn't care whether she lived or died?
The Spirit was silent for a long time. I have no knowledge of this incident…
I didn't ask you about your fucking knowledge. I asked you what did we do to her before this point that would lead her to believe that I wouldn't care if she died.
I told you, Anders that I had wronged her and that is why I wanted to help make things right between the two of you.
What did you do, Justice?
I used your greatest fear and greatest belief about yourself to turn you against her.
And what was that?
Your greatest fear was losing her and your belief was that you didn't deserve her.
Anders heart beat loudly in his chest as anger coursed through his veins.
So you did what?
I caused you to doubt her faithfulness to you. I made you paranoid, doubting her every word. I forced you to see things that weren't there and believe the worse about her…. I was wrong, Anders. I wasn't myself because by this point, vengeance had twisted us both.
MOTHER FUCKER!
Anders flipped several pages back in the journal. He came to a page where water had splashed on the paper and the ink had run down the page smearing the majority of the words, but there were a few words that were clear.
Anders has gone insane…completely lost control…can't take the pain anymore…punched…broke…need to leave!
Anders breath was ragged as he desperately tried to rein in his emotions.
IF we hit her, I swear I will throw us off a cliff just so that I can be rid of you!
No! You never hit her. As angry as I was at her at the time, I would never have allowed you touch her violently.
Then what is she referring to when she says, punched and broke?
The two of you had a horrific fight. You needed her help to gather the ingredients to make the bomb. She knew you were lying to her and she called you out on it. You threatened her, called her names and when she refused to back down from you, you punched the wall and broke your hand.
Anders pulled his knees up to his chest and wept.
She should have left me! Why did she stay with me?
Because there were times that you… the real Anders was able to break through the hate, the anger and the hold that I had on you, and she would see that you were there. It gave her hope that she could save you.
Anders jaw stiffened as a clear truth rang out in his statement. You allowed me to break through so that she didn't kill us.
Justice hesitated before he replied.
Yes, if she thought for even a moment that I had completely taken you over, she wouldn't have hesitated to end our life, but as long as she though a piece of you was still in there, she couldn't bring herself to do it. I needed you alive long enough to follow through with my plan.
You fucking bastard!
Yes.
I honestly don't deserve her. She would be better off without me.
You're wrong. Those last few years were terrible, but they were a result of your anger corrupting me and twisting our goals. That is why it's so important, Anders, for you to deal with your past and overcome this anger that I can feel building up inside you again.
Damn straight, I'm pissed. I'm seriously fucking pissed off at you. You completely manipulated my life, you nearly destroyed the woman I love and oh yeah, together we blew up a bunch of innocent people.
Anders, please calm down and listen to me. We can't change the past, we can only learn to live with the consequences and work at changing the future.
Did you read that off of a fucking fortune cookie? And what if I can't control my anger, this whole bloody mess will start again. I can't even remember most of it, but I know it was bad. I can't go through that again and I sure as hell refuse to put her through that again.
Anders slid off the bed and started shoving things into his bag.
Anders, you can't leave.
I sure as hell can. As long as I have you as an extra passenger, there is always a possibility that I can hurt her again.
And you think leaving without even so much as a good-bye won't kill her.
Anders was halted in place as a scene flashed across his mind.
He and Rylee were laying in a meadow on a blanket, she was smiling and her eyes danced as she fed him strawberries. The scene changed…They were dancing in her room; he spun her around then grabbed her around the waist with his arms and picked her up. She was laughing as her arms went around his neck and she kissed him. The scene changed again…He was sitting on the sofa, Rylee's head was resting in his lap as she read the paper and he read his manifesto. New scene…Anders stood on the beach and watched in awe as she stripped out of her clothes and once completely naked, jumped into the waves. She smiled radiantly at him. "Are you going to come and get me?" New scene…They were walking along a dirty road, he looked over at her and grinned as he said a line to an inside joke they shared, "Whose your Daddy?" She smiled back at him, "I'll never tell." Anders smacked her bottom and tickled her waist, "Come on say it." Rylee squealed as she jumped from his grasp. "I'm not saying," she teased. Anders chased her and pinned her against a tree, he leaned into her and swirled his tongue along her neck, "Say it!" She sighed as she said, "You are, of course."
The two of you are perfect together; you were happy and good for each other. You say you love her, well if you do, act like a man and do whatever it takes to keep her.
Anders sat on the bed as he replayed those moments of their life together. He felt genuine joy and he could tell that she was truly happy.
I want to see her face light up like it did in those memories.
Well, then you're going to have to work for it.
I'll do whatever it takes.
A/N - *A huge thank you to those of you, who have favored, alerted and reviewed this. You make my day so much brighter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
* Check out, Jinxy gettin' down with her crunk ass beta skills. Yo mofo! Did you just get funky with my bling and put a hole in my flows? I naws you did. Pimpin', drinkin' and grindin' – that's how she rolls. Fo sho!