Ratchet and Clank: The Glory Hole

Ratchet

Chapter 3- Sector 69

H22 and I had been through so much all those years ago we pretty much jumped right back into our work days. As we traversed the corridor to get to the main radar room, H22 handed me a stack of survey papers and historical tracking records. As high…er, paranoid, as Skidd was, he was right. The fleet's farthest unit was in a small star system between the Solana galaxy and The Phoenix, which I hadn't even heard mentioned in years. The Phoenix was being used as a station for deployment. Once we got enough people rounded up, we would go into 69.

I studied the radar for a while. The blips indicated that the invading forces were only 5 days from metropolis. Worse, Marcadia's laser defense systems were under repair. And with Al and Sasha chilling on the beaches in the Bogon galaxy, the best repairmen in the universe were gone. Qwark would have to leave some thousands of soldiers behind in case an invasion did occur.

"Ratchet, why are you using the radar?" I recognized Qwark's imbecilic voice.

"Because, um I don't know? The fate of our existence is at stake?"

"I realize that. But, radar has been more obsolete than the full body waxinator for eons! Use the remote cameras for Pete's sake!"

"Oh sure, it's…better?" as I flipped the switch and looked at the entire invasion fleet as they flew past Mediste.

"Told you. I mean, why would you shave the bushes to make the trees look taller when you could give the trees growth hormones and make it actually bigger?" Qwark exclaimed.

"What?" I was gagging.

"Look at the landscaping outside! Imbecilic president over my dead body! That's great landscaping! And we don't have to burn the bushes down anymore."

"Please stop. Well, Qwark; it seems that you need to raise an army. If we can hold that star system under siege, we can buy enough to regroup and turn the attack on the offensive."

"We have more than enough people! Ten million rangers, ready to go!"

"No, we need a small contingent back here to protect the city in case it hits the fan!"

"Nonsense! The laser defenses will protect the galaxy!"

"The time clock disabled the laser defenses two years ago! I don't know why, but it did! The laser defenses don't work!"

Qwark rolled his eyes, "Oh please, I've got this."

I just shook my head.

When morning came, I called up the shop. Clank should have finished the last shoot for the Secret agent Clank film by now.

"Hello, Ratchet."

"Hey Clank, I need you over here at the ranger depot. Looks like we have to be hired muscle again."

"Okay then, by the way, Talwyn was here looking for you. Said she had a query regarding your safety after your date."

"Oh, um. I just needed to see something. Looks like we might be invaded. We have to head to sector 69."

"Really?" Clank asked.

"What's wrong?"

"The Zoni informed me the Markazian home planet is somewhere in that sector. Coordinates 8.5 69 0420810, right?"

"Yes."

"Then Talwyn would be happy to come along. She wants to get out of the city for a little bit."

Talwyn snatched the phone from Clank, "Yea, and Ratchet, there are some ropes I need to show you about my home world that would be great background info."

"Does it have a name?" I asked.

She chuckled, "I don't want to ruin the surprise."

I sighed.

"So, I guess I'll roll by with clank and we can start heading out…"

"No, Talwyn. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stay behind this one time. Qwark's putting every single troop on the offensive. Stay behind with the RYNO V so at least you won't die."

"Um, why should you care about me dying?" She asked.

"Well, uh…you know, you and I have been through a lot, and we're *cough* dating, right now, so, I don't know…I don't want my girlfriend to die?"

Talwyn got a lot less frustrated. "Aw, Ratchet! How did you know I love sweet, committed things like that?"

I wanted to puke.

"And Ratchet, if you make it back in one piece, I've got a…surprise I want to show you, Mister 'good with his hands'!"

"Hold on a sec, Tal" I had a little bit of puke in my mouth. *BLEAAAHHHH* right on Qwark's waxinator.

I put the phone back up to my ear, "You were saying?"

"Did you just puke, Ratchet?"

"No, nonsense! I've got an adamantine stomach!"

Talwyn snickered, "Well, then. Just come back in one piece so I don't have to bury you. 'Cause that would be such a turnoff."

*BLEAAAHHHH*

Clank snatched the phone, "You two lovebirds exchange your relational banter on your own time! I'll be there in five, Ratchet."

I wiped something chunky from my lip. "Wait, relational banter? Do you mean flirting?"

Clank just hung up.

When he got to the control room, we were already late to head out. By the time we got suited up and had the arsenal primed, it was time to drop down on a random sector 69 planet.

H22 said, "I hope you remember how to do this."

I also hoped so.

We fell from the sky at the usual jaw-exploding pace. My armor, the top of the line infernox I had purchased all those years ago, kept me from, well, vomiting out the other end. The drop was sheer, right into the arid valley of a scrubby desert. Blasters erupted, sending their electric charges everywhere. Personally, I ducked behind a corner. I reached for my blaster. That's what I forgot to pack. Anyway, a ranger had already gone down, so I took his blaster. Nitro blasts, morphing charges, even the very explodey-crates I'm so fond with came over the walls we were taking cover behind.

Clank suggested, "Maybe we should charge them."

"Great idea!" J31 shouted. "You should do it while we cover you from behind!"

"Thanks!"

I back-flipped over the wall, blasting all the troops I saw. A nitro exploded right in front of me and I spun around a few times. I saw some more rangers! Maybe they could back us up!

Then J31 came from behind me, "Charge 'em! RAAAAWRR!" He stopped in his tracks.

I shouted, "CEASE FIRE!"

The smoke cleared. All around the valley I saw rangers, some Markazians, plenty of Kerwanians, but no "evil invaders".

A Markazian girl came down from the mountains, "What are you doing here?"

"Trying to find bad people, I guess?"

"The bad people already left. They said they didn't need our resources."

"Resources? Wait, if they already left, then…how long is the flight to metropolis from here?"

J77 replied, "About 7 hours, sir."

I shouted, "Everybody book it! Our galaxy is falling under siege."

Clank and I flew the Phoenix back to the Solana galaxy.

Clank asked me, "Ratchet, what was it that Talwyn stated that made you vomit?"

I sighed, "She wants to try riding…"

Clank recoiled and interrupted me, "Oh, isn't that a bit inappropriate?"

"For me, yes. I haven't ridden a rollercoaster since I was five. Just thinking about them makes me vomit."

"Oh. My apologies Ratchet. I thought you two were talking about when you lie on…"

"Yes, Clank? Go on."

"Nevermind. Eh-he-he-he-he-he."

I rolled my eyes. I hoped we weren't too late.