"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
~ George Eliot

9. Re-lief

"Good morning, Mr. Goren, I'm Dr. Knowland". This doctor was brusque and to the point. Goren's eyes flew open at the sound of his voice. Alex rose from her chair and moved to stand beside Goren's hospital bed, resting her hands on the guardrail. Jane trailed behind the doctor with a food tray in her hands which she brought to Alex's side of the bed. She placed the tray on the over-bed table, then backed away and stationed herself behind the doctor, curiously subdued for a change. Alex's stomach grumbled.

"You're much better this morning", observed Dr. Knowland. "I'm delighted to see the excellent progress you've made." The Doctor hesitated.

"May we speak?", and he raised his eyebrows and tilted his head at Alex. Shoot, this doctor had done his homework, she thought. Alex dipped her head acknowledging that she was not a relative and turned to move away. Goren's left hand shot out and clamped her hand to the top of the bedrail just before she lifted it. Alex jumped in surprise and looked at Goren, but his eyes were on the doctor.

Dr. Knowland nodded his own acknowledgment that Alex should remain and he continued.

"Well, Mr. Goren, everything looks very good considering the poor condition in which you arrived here yesterday. Your kidneys are doing well. Your heart and lungs are fine and electrolytes are all within normal parameters. Your cuts and bruises are not serious, but will be uncomfortable for a while. You'll just need an over-the-counter pain medication for that. How are you feeling?"

Robert Goren responded by raising one eyebrow and tilting his head at the doctor with an expression that plainly asked how the doctor thought he felt.

"I see", Dr. Knowland responded with the beginnings of a smile. His expression returned to serious immediately. "The staff told me you were having trouble with your voice. I expect you'll be fine in a few hours. Most of your discomfort will be from the extremely serious case of heat stroke you experienced and will slowly dissipate over the next few days."

"We're hoping you will be able to leave here later this afternoon or evening, under the supervision of a helper." At which point he turned to look at Alex. "He should have someone with him for 48 hours."

Goren's gaze dropped from the doctor's face. Alex quietly added "I'll make sure that happens." She managed a coherent reply to the doctor, even as she remained stunned by Goren's sudden clasp. Clearly visible on the warm hand covering hers were the multiple gold strands of the necklace she'd wound around his fingers. It seemed it would soon be time for a showdown on that topic... Although Alex wasn't sure if he would deal with it head on, or try to minimize it. That was the thing about Robert Goren. You could never be sure. He was never boring.

The doctor's full attention was back on Goren. "There are a few things we need to clear up. I realize you may be not able to answer them now. I understand that you are an undercover detective with the NYPD. I don't need to know why you were at Tates Corrections, but I would like to know how you got into this condition. We were told by Tates that you had been on a hunger strike and refused water, then had to be restrained. Is that true?"

Goren's eyes met Alex's. You know that's not true... Goren was unsure how to respond. Alex held her tongue, not willing to impart any information of their suspicions which she was unsure Goren wanted public yet. Goren frowned and gave a noncommittal shrug. The doctor took in Goren's reaction.

"You had the residues of a nice cocktail of drugs in your system, as well, Mr. Goren. They really gave you the full meal deal. The Sodium Amytol will continue to keep you pretty drowsy and confused for a while longer, possibly as long as another day, but it had some side effects which complicated the heat stroke." Dr. Knowland's voice hardened as he continued. "To put it bluntly, you were a mess when you arrived here and I want to know why you were allowed become so critically ill. I've been unable to contact the doctor at Tates."

Goren looked up at Alex. Her jaw was set and her chin lifted as she listened to the doctor, but there was a slackness around her eyes betraying her distress at the doctor's words. She swallowed hard, uncharacteristically refusing to meet Goren's eyes when there was relevant information given to them. Come on, Eames, look at me.

Of course he now had the answer to the question he'd been repeating over and over to himself.

No wonder he felt like crap. No wonder Alex's cross was wrapped around his fingers. No wonder she'd lain beside him.

She had thought he was going to die.

Unexpectedly, even to himself, he lifted her hand off the metal bedrail and wrapped it completely in both of his. But she refused to look at him. He would have to stutter out his awkward apologies and thanks later.

The doctor looked at Alex. "Do you know anything about any of this?" Alex was trying to maintain her most enigmatic expression. She was shocked by the details she was hearing. She had known Goren was very ill, but hearing it put into words caused her insides to churn again and it had nothing to do with hunger. Too much had happened in the short space of time Goren had been in Tates and she was starting to need answers as well.

Bobby had given her no indication that things were so bad when they had talked on the phone. He just sounded tired. She should have listened more carefully, but she was the squad room and there were ears everywhere.... In retrospect she should have realized things were going wrong even at that early stage.

"I'm sorry, I have no idea what happened", Alex replied, disguising her knowledge of similar incidents taking place at Tates.

The doctor's tone was grim as he spoke to Goren. "We'd like you to make a statement to local police when you're able. Something is going on that needs to be addressed. The sooner, the better". It seemed the doctor had serious suspicions about what was taking place inside the mute walls of Tates Correctional Facility.

Goren managed to catch Alex's eye sending her an unnecessary warning look, and then stared straight forward. He needed to compose his thoughts before he spoke to the local police. He nodded his head at the doctor and his eyes began to dull. The realities of the last week began cascading together too quickly for him to analyse in his current condition; Frank, Donny, his forced leave, coercing Eames' help, unauthorized entry into Tates, faking schizophrenia, the drugs, the restraints, Isolation, Heaven, heat. Messing up Alex. He was overwhelmed.

His eyes closed and he floated back to those quiet hours shared with his partner. There was an unexpected magic in those dark warm hours. A magic he'd never before experienced. Safe and secure and warm. He had felt cared for. Deeply cared for by someone he trusted implicitly. And there was the magic. I don't want to deal with the reality. If he could have suspended himself back in time; back to those hours with Alex which were slipping away with each waking moment, he would have done it without a moment's hesitation. She had given him a gift he could never repay.

Goren held Alex's hand as if trying to preserve the tranquillity they'd shared. He rubbed the back of her hand gently and pensively, warming its coolness.

Dr. Knowland's voice roused him. "We'll have Jane unhook you from everything and see how you do over the next few hours. If you have any questions, we can deal with them later. Have me paged if you need me, otherwise I'll see you later." The doctor nodded to them both and turned to leave.

Goren's right hand left Alex's and reached out to the bed rail nearest the doctor. Two sharp raps of his oximeter had Dr. Knowland turning back and raising his eyebrows expectantly. Using only his right hand, Robert Goren began to speak in American Sign Language. Alex was surprised that the doctor could understand him as the oximeter was still on Goren's index finger and he spoke only with one hand. Alex understood very little, but she did catch him spelling out "Tates".

"I'll do what I can" was the doctor's reply as he left with Jane scurrying close on his heels.

Goren turned his eyes to Alex, but Alex was watching the doctor's departure. She gave his hand a squeeze and slid from his grasp. "I'll be right back". Then she was out the door behind the doctor, leaving Goren alone and confused with the beginnings of frustration because he could not follow.

Alex quickly caught up to Dr. Knowland.

"Excuse me, Dr. Knowland. What did Bobby ask you? I caught the Tates part, but not the rest".

"He just asked me to let him know what I discovered. That it was important", replied the doctor. "But you need to tell me if you know what happened to him".

"I'm sorry, I just don't know." Alex shook her head as she frowned. "But I do need to know…. Is he going to be okay when he's released from the hospital? Is he ready to go alone with me? Should he be transferred into a city hospital? "

She wanted to know exactly what to expect should Goren collapse after they left the hospital. Long ago she had discussed with her firefighter brother how she would be able to help Goren if he was hurt or unconscious. Due to the huge discrepancy in their sizes, she would probably be unable to carry him in a classic fireman's lift. She had smiled along with her brother at the mental vision of Goren's feet still being on the ground, even if she could hoist him up on her back and shoulders. But she persisted in doing her diligence in the weight room and used Goren's estimated dead weight as a target reference. She had never had to use her brother's rescue suggestions and hoped she never would. She wondered what Goren would think if he knew her weight room targets and her reason for them.

"We won't release him if he's not well enough," the doctor reassured her.

Alex nodded she understood. "Thank you."

Still shoeless, Alex shuffled silently back into Goren's hospital room, where she caught her partner sitting forlornly in his bed looking like a tired bereft little boy. He was fiddling with the oximeter which was still clamped on his right index finger. His bloodshot eyes brightened expectantly as she came through the door.

There was no point in trying to discuss recent events with him till he could speak, so she opted for changing the subject and lightening the mood. Furthermore, she didn't want any awkwardness over this unheard-of hand-holding thing. She didn't know what had moved him to cradle her hand, but she was pretty sure he'd regret having done it and she wanted give him a graceful "out".

"Hmmmmm, coffee!" Alex exclaimed as the scent of the coffee filled her nostrils and she walked straight over to examine Goren's food tray. "Oh, lucky you! Green Jello."

Alex swung the over-bed table in front of him, so he could see what Jane had brought him. Continuing the little boy demeanour, Goren picked up the coffee and handed it to Alex handle first, as if innocently gifting his prized possession to his favourite teacher and hoping for a pleased response. He got his response and sat watching one of his favourite shows.

"Thanks." Alex murmured as she cupped the mug in both hands and closed her eyes, first breathing in the aroma, then placing the rim against her lips to take a small sip. Alex caught his intense gaze as her eyes flew open.

"Oh, Bobby!" she said in a shocked voice. "All your clothes went back to the city in the SUV with Ross!" A good snark eluded her, but a slow cheeky smile started to spread on her face. Knowing he would not answer made it easier for her. "Now, I wonder what you're going to wear home?" she asked in her own pseudo innocence, eyes wide. The thought of Goren standing outside in a gaping hospital gown was too amusing to resist. So much for his dignity…

She slowly shook her head as she enjoyed watching his confusion melt into a worried expression. "I have to rent a car, so I'll go pick up some clothes for you. I could use a change myself," she added with an expression of distaste as she plucked daintily at the shoulders of the white sweater she wore over her tank top. "I hope Walmart fashion will suit you."

Jane swept back into the room, talking before she even passed the doorway. Both Goren and Eames' heads swivelled in unison towards the jarring interruption and just as quickly as she came in, Alex swept her out again, asking for a few moments alone. Alex had the feeling Jane was going to start removing Goren from his tethers and was not planning to be there for the catheter removal. She needed to lay out her plan to her partner.

"Bobby, I'm going to go rent a car, pick up some clothes and phone the Captain. And with any luck I'll find a place to have a shower. I'll leave my cell number with Jane." Alex rolled her eyes at the mention of Jane, took a reluctant last sip of coffee and put it down. "We'll discuss things when we get out of here."

Goren had been watching her intently. As she started to turn away, he grasped her elbow to stop her. He reached out and tapped her belt where she usually wore her badge. "I have it", she answered, "it's in my jacket pocket. My gun is in the locker downstairs. I don't plan on using either here, Bobby" she said warning him that they were not going to get involved in anything local on an official basis. He lowered his eyes, nodding.

The next thing she knew she heard the rapping of a spoon on his table top and he was offering her his green Jello and the spoon.

"That's for you!" she said puzzled. Then in her best doctor voice: "The idea is that you eat it and get your strength back. I'll grab something while I'm out."

"Are you going to be okay?" she asked. He shook his head no as the innocent look returned to his face. Then he held out the tube of lip ointment to her.

Alex's mouth opened in surprise and a confusion of emotions swept over her face. Jane had done the last few applications while Alex slept in the chair. You devil, Goren, what's gotten into you?

Admonishing him with a gesture, Alex lifted her index finger in the air and then pointed it directly at her partner. "I'll have Jane bring you a mirror."

Alex relented with a sigh, "Okay, I get it! But I have to go do these things." It had finally dawned on her he didn't want to be left alone. It was a realization that was confirmed as he looked directly into her eyes; a look that evolved from teasing to uncertainty to guarded. Then he dropped his gaze to his hands. The conversation with the doctor must have shaken him. She guessed he hadn't realized till now how sick he'd been when he left Tates and the condition they'd allowed him to spiral down to. Now she felt the sting of guilt because she was deserting him. It must have shown. When he looked up at her, his expression gave no reassurance that he was comfortable being left alone without her. Damn! She had to get these things done. A flicker of uncertainty crossed her face. This was not the Goren she was used to, but the circumstances were not even close to anything they'd experienced.

Alex suddenly abandoned her inhibition, forgetting this was Robert Goren, her larger-than-life, untouchable and reserved partner. She reached out her hand to his shoulder and smiled her most gentle smile. His eyes remained lowered. Her fingertips touched the warm skin of his back where the hospital gown had pulled apart. Touching him unexpectedly softened her even more. "I won't be gone long" she said almost whispering. "Have them call if you need me." She rubbed her thumb up and down over his collarbone to reassure him and then bent over seeking eye contact.

"Okay?" His reply was a long blink followed by a slow nod of acceptance. He was not happy.

Goren watched Alex shove her feet in her boots, instantly becoming three inches taller and donning her invisible cloak of authority at the same time. She pulled on her jacket. Her hair was still gathered up, so she didn't need to perform her usual flip, but she did pat her pockets checking for her standard cargo. She flashed him a somewhat distracted 8 out of 10 smile, wiggled her fingers at him in a small wave and was gone. She was already focussed on what had to be done and he was jealous that he couldn't go with her. And frustrated that he had no energy. Listlessly he pulled the cover off a warming bowl filled with oatmeal. He sighed. This was going to hurt.

Beep… beep… beep…

Out at the nurse's station, Alex spoke to Jane.

"Jane, here is my cell phone number. Please don't let anyone in to speak to Mr. Goren. Not even the police. Call me if they show up or if he needs me."

"We'll take excellent care of him while you're away, Mrs. Goren", Jane replied. Hasn't she figured this out yet?

"I'm sure you will." Oh, Bobby was going to love this.

"What's the local at this nursing station? I'll call in a while and see how he is. Do you have the Yellow Pages? I need to rent a car."

And the last thing before she headed out: "Jane, could you please take Mr. Goren a mirror?"