The soul would have no rainbow,
Had the eyes no tears.
~John Vance Cheney

10. Re-Dress

As soon as Eames left, it seemed as if the room cooled. Just like his porridge. He hated that he couldn't go with her. He hated feeling helpless. But he was cognisant enough to know that gaining his strength back would get him out of this hospital faster. He began to spoon his food delicately past the wickedly chapped lips and raw throat. After the first few swallows, it got easier.

He could hear Eames talking at the nursing station and then after a few minutes it was quiet. He sighed. And the room cooled some more. It was always like that when she left. He usually watched her leave and then immediately became busy with something else so he wouldn't notice or care so much. Since the kidnapping, he had tinges of anxiety when she left as well. He would probably never get over that. Nothing had ever blindsided him like her kidnapping. He'd been blindsided on so many levels that week, with consequences that pounded on and on throughout different parts of his life.

Going home had gotten harder and harder for him. He had been so busy during his mother's final months that once she was gone he was left with what seemed like vast amounts of unclaimed time to fill. The work load hadn't changed, but he found himself lingering in the squad room long after he should have been home, just to avoid the emptiness of being alone. That's when he had really begun to notice the coolness when Eames left. Too long ago, it seemed, his nights at home had been his haven of solitary relaxation, a place to read novels and spend time in the kitchen experimenting with seasoning combinations, but as his mother declined, there was seldom time for anything but work and her. Besides, it was hard to get enthusiastic about cooking for one. The last good cook up had been at Eames' right after the Kevin Quinn case, which had unpleasantly morphed into the Joe Dutton case. They'd had a good time together in the kitchen that night despite what she'd just been through. As they busied over counter and stove, she seemed to have a weight lifted from her. He kept the conversation lively, about great meals they'd had together in restaurants and future ones that were worth trying. That night after their meal, the wine had started her talking and he eventually just sat quietly and listened. He had no wisdom to impart. It had been amazing to hear her talk so openly about her life before he came into it. He hoped she hadn't regretted sharing it with him. She had to know that he would never use anything she said against her. He hoped she trusted him at least that much. But after those few days together, she again folded in on herself and returned to being his enigmatic Eames.

Now that he had the time, he had considered inviting Eames over for another evening in the kitchen, but she always seemed busy with her family. He had no right to take her away from them, especially since he was sure they blamed him for her kidnapping. He didn't have any expectation that she'd want to spend more time with him anyway. He sighed again. He was becoming pathetic.

He put down his spoon and rolled his hand to examine the cross still lying in his palm. Why had he given it to her? It had been a reaction to a panic he had never felt before. That panic was still part of a nightmare he regularly continued to endure. He had never felt so helpless as when she was taken. When it was all over and Eames was safe, he had been completely drained, feeling not unlike what he was experiencing now. On that beautiful sunny day when Alex had been found and he was still so traumatized, he had left 1PP to walk and think. He had ended up in a small jewelry store for some unknown reason and bought the tiny gold cross and chain for her. Why? Eames was not a particularly religious person. But he had prayed. He prayed for her safe return, even against all odds. He had prayed for himself, asking for the intelligence and insight to find her; and if that failed, he prayed for the strength to live on without her. If she ever wore it, he prayed that tiny cross would protect her from all evil no matter where she was, even if she never worked with him again. And he wouldn't have blamed her if she didn't.....

He had returned to her hospital room while she was still asleep and her family had yet to arrive. He placed the small velvet box on her bedside table and left, hoping for anonymity. The first time he had seen her wear it, he had turned away, breathless. She had thought he was being cold and had no idea why.

Now this same cross she had been wearing for a year and a half was back in his hand. It seemed this time, the situation was reversed. She was the one suffering the feelings of helplessness and once again he was breathless. And for the second time today he felt his eyes burn and blur. He recalled the power of his own emotions when he'd given the cross and was now warmed and comforted beyond belief that it had been returned to him in a way that seemed similarly motivated by strong feelings. She cares. Once again he floated back to those hours with Alex pressed tightly against him. He replayed her spectacular morning smile when she saw he was awake and he resisted chuckling as he thought back to her recent mirror comment. He didn't deserve her. Association with him seemed to drag her down. If he was more of a man, he would have set her free, insisting she find a new partner.

But he couldn't. He could not give her up.

Any day she stayed was a lucky day. This was becoming a mantra for him. He laid his hand over his chest and leaned back wearily against his pillow. He would close his eyes for just a few seconds...

Beep… beep… beep…

**

Alex rested the back of her head against the rough brick wall of the Truby hospital and tilted her face to the weak November sunshine as the cold breeze fingered her stray hairs. With each passing moment she felt some of the worry and cobwebs of her exhaustion lifting. She closed her eyes and filled her lungs with a deep breath of cool air. There were a few short minutes to enjoy the outdoor freshness before the car rental agency picked her up.

Alex Eames was used to fatigue. She and Goren often worked insane hours. But she couldn't hold a candle to the endurance of Robert Goren. Once Bobby started, he was like a dog with a bone. He worried that bone until there was nothing left. The gratification of the chase and capture fuelled them both, no matter where it took them or for however long, but he always had endurance that she lacked. The last few days had been nothing she wasn't used to in terms of hours of sleep, but it was the emotional trauma that was taking its toll, leaving her worn and unable to focus.

She never invested as much emotionally in a case as Goren. Someone had to keep their feet on the ground. Allowing herself to be sucked into this emotional distress was almost as annoying to her as it was perplexing. But then, this was not a case, this was her partner's life. Like so many cases over the last year and a half, this one joined a chorus of cases which had become more and more personal, forcing revelations between them far past their usual comfort zones. The line between their professional and personal lives, which they'd kept mostly intact, was becoming completely blurred. And it was confusing the heck out of her.

Alex was almost as good at compartmentalizing her life as he was. It allowed them to temporarily shut out one part of their life in order to permit total concentration on another. Perhaps it was part of being a cop. Except over the last year, the walls dividing the parts of his life had begun to deteriorate and it showed in his face. It revealed itself to her as visible fatigue and what appeared as distraction. However he always rallied in time to deliver the insight he was famous for, even when seconds before he seemed off in an entirely different world, his face shadowed by invisible burdens that even his broad shoulders had difficulty bearing. With all the walls within his life dissolving, it was no wonder that the walls between the two of them were dissolving as well.

Lately he had begun to bounce back to her Goren of old. Until Frank showed up with his plea for help. They had begun their investigation like any other, except Goren was even more engaged, now with a family purpose. She had responded happily to his lightness, keeping her eyes and ears open for any pitfalls that might occur. It was a curse that she hadn't found Bobby in time to stop his disastrous blow up at Ross in the squad room. That had truly begun the clatter of the domino cascade.

"Are you crazy?" Goren had bellowed at Ross.

It had taken a scant few sentences between the men for Alex to recognized that Goren was winding up to a crescendo. She futilely tried to intervene, all three with raised voices, then she hung her head waiting for it to be over. They'd all endured the abrupt shocked silence surrounding them as the rest of the squad room turned to stare and await the Captain's response. It had all happened so fast, but it was hard not to blame herself. She felt her job had been to avoid something just like that and she'd failed. Goren knew right away he had screwed himself and hung is own head as he looked at her. The look she'd returned wasn't accusatory; it was regret combined with a warning for him to brace himself. Through the glass walls of Ross' office, it had been easy to interpret the exchange as she watched Goren's back and shoulders and the tilt of his head, as well as Ross's grim expressions. Bobby's shrugging shoulders and upturned palms told her everything. She'd stood in his path as he'd headed for the gun locker, so he couldn't avoid her. She was completely distressed and at a loss for words. She must have looked like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck. There was no way Goren was going to go home and sit for a week. This had been a disaster in the making from the moment Frank had stopped her in the plaza. She was positive Goren was already planning a scheme even as he placed his cell phone on his desk with a short tap.

The last domino to fall in this whole mess had been almost fatal. The silence at the end of the cascade ripped away what was left of her precious mask and blew away the walls of her carefully compartmentalized life. If she was looking for an analogy, Alex felt like an onion with a large outer layer peeled away. She was sure Goren would have a more cerebral, probably literary, analogy but she was stuck with the everyday onion. Just like an onion, even if she wanted, she could never replace or repair her shell. What had been hiding inside that outer shell had spilled out in the form of tears. Tears of fear. Fear of losing him. Fear of losing the life she'd come to love. Don't go there, Eames. This is way too dangerous.

Right now, she would focus only on the things that needed to be taken care of immediately. If there was an opportunity later, she might try to analyze her own feelings. In the light of day, with Goren rapidly recovering, fatigue conveniently allowed Alex to refrain from any additional introspection. Introspection was not her strong suit, and neither was it Goren's. But there was no denying she was stuck with the inevitability that her feelings for her partner exceeded the level she was comfortable with and she was going to have to live with that.... Even as she was berating herself for having allowed those feelings, another voice in her was saying, tempting; "and is this so bad?" Her lips tightened and she shook her head, glad that she was alone with her thoughts, knowing that a soap opera of expressions had crossed her face in the past few minutes.

Alex had briefly worried that Goren might try to make an escape from the hospital to do something only Goren would think of - but really, what could he do? He had no badge, no authority, no voice. And no clothes. He was, however, extremely resourceful. She knew by the time she got back he would be itching for immediate answers to questions he'd formulated in her absence and needing action. She hoped he'd be released in a few hours. They really needed to talk. There was no doubt; all hell was going to break loose for both of them. Now that his life was no longer in danger, the fallout from his unauthorized action was the primary concern in their lives. Alex sighed. An additional fear was setting in. Yet another factor was threatening to destroy her life as she knew it. Bobby could lose his job over this. Maybe that last domino had yet to topple.

Never one to procrastinate, Alex took action and phoned Ross. She braced herself.

"How is he, Eames?"

Well, hello to you, too, Captain.... She should be used to his stern and abrupt manner by now.

"Much better, sir. They may release him this afternoon."

"Good. I want the two of you in here as soon as possible. The ripple effect is moving upward and the Chief of D's is after blood." Well, it hadn't taken him long to spill his guts to his bosses. It looked like she was too late to weave her magic and win over Ross this time. It was her ongoing mission to buffer Goren and the Captain, but this had already gone too far. Damn. Was there no way they could have kept this within the Department?

"Captain, Goren's still not able to speak, so it will be several days before he can come in."

"Keep me updated Eames. And there is something you should know. Donny Carlson was the escaped prisoner they were referring to when we arrived at Tates. You might want to pass on that little gem to your partner at your convenience." Ross's words sounded clipped as an astonished Alex listened over the phone.

No.

Unbelievable.

Alex caught herself from uttering the words out loud.

"I'll be sure to pass that on, sir", answered Alex, hoping the shock in her voice was not apparent.

"Call me when you're back in the city or if you need anything. Take care, Eames. He could well take us both down with him this time", warned Ross.

"I understand, Captain. I'll be in touch."

For Christ's Sake! Goren had gone into Tates for Donny and now the kid was in the wind. What the hell was Donny thinking? Couldn't he wait? Why escape now? What had gone on in Tates over the last few days? She was stunned. But then why would anything one of the Goren's did surprise her?

Damn it! What was she going to tell Bobby? Did he know about Donny's escape? Oh, this isn't fair. Fury and frustration rose in Alex. It seemed almost everything the Goren family did was designed to cause maximum pain to Bobby. Didn't they realize what they did to him? Didn't they realize what a sensitive, gentle soul he was where family was concerned? Or was that just it? They knew exactly what he was and took every advantage of it. No wonder Bobby had kept away from Frank for years. It was self-preservation. Well, as far as she was concerned, Bobby couldn't be far enough away from Frank – or Donny. She doubted Donny had even thought about the consequences of escaping.

Alex didn't know if Donny had seen Bobby in Tates and in what state Bobby would have been in at the time. Donny wouldn't have a clue the risk Bobby had taken with his career in order to help him. Alex thought back to the expression of failure she'd seen earlier on Goren's face. Perhaps he already knew of Donny's escape. She really needed to be able to talk to Bobby. She was drowning in questions.

At least they had undeniable confirmation something evil was going on in Tates. What had happened to Goren should happen to no prisoner and Goren would soon be the living voice of truth. One thing Alex did know. Presuming he didn't know, she wasn't going to tell Bobby about Donny until they were back in the city. She'd make sure he was insulated from everyone until she'd had her opportunity to unravel it out with him. That meant avoiding the local police. God, she hoped no one at Tates had made the connection between Bobby and Donny. What would Bobby have said while he was drugged? She doubted he could remember. Had he let it slip that he was a cop? He'd made sure they'd have a hard time verifying that. But could that have triggered his mistreatment? Her brain began to burn with so many possibilities.

Just as she was starting to fret about being away from Goren, the rental car and driver pulled up.

"You Detective Eames?"

**

By the time she was finished at the rental agency and was headed out shopping, Alex had calmed down. One thing at a time. She had made sure they got the biggest, most comfortable SUV the rental firm had available. NYPD owed at least that much to Goren for his incredible arrest record. There was no way she was taking him home in the Honda the agency had picked her up in. The few times he'd been in hers, it had seemed as if his knees were jammed near his ears as he folded into it. He'd had to move every time she changed gears. After her kidnapping, she'd gotten rid of that Honda at Goren's urging. She didn't know the details at first, but he cleaned all her belongings out of her car telling her it had been stolen and needed to be towed for "repairs". He'd placed all her belongs in the rental car he'd arranged with her brother. After learning the complete story, she had no problem selling her poor car. She had bought a small SUV in spite of really wanting to challenge Goren with a vintage Mustang. She remembered his broad quiet smile when she told him what she hadn't bought.

Alex's next mission was clothes shopping. Wal-mart would provide fast and inexpensive choices for everything they'd need. Before she grabbed a shopping cart, she headed for McDonald's to snatch a fast burger and coffee. A quick call to the nurses' station in ICU told her that Goren was doing fine. The police had come by but they had been told he was too ill to talk and should come back. Good.

Alex started her clothes shopping expedition with items for herself, collecting new underwear, a tank top and hoodie as well as some comfortable draw-string lounge pants to wear when she was back at Goren's. She didn't want to stop at her place before taking him home and she wouldn't leave him right away. This was her chance to take care of everything she'd need. Her list was in her head and she hoped she wasn't too tired and distracted to remember it all.

Next she headed for the pharmacy to pick up some shampoo, a hairbrush and deodorant, as well as toothpaste and toothbrushes for both of them. She also cruised the food department throwing soup, bread, milk, eggs, a bag of salad and of course, coffee, into her rapidly filling cart. The food would stay cool in the back of the SUV.

Now for him. Oh, boy. Thank goodness this Wal-mart had a big and tall section. Okay, where to start. Inside out? Oh, geez, how about bottom to top.... Size 13 shoes? Okay, these full footed slip-on slippers would get him home. Socks, that was easy. Now it was going to get harder.

A young sales assistant approached her and Alex decided her help might speed things up. She wasn't comfortable leaving Bobby for long, being away from him made her anxious. She didn't ask herself why.

The young sales girl was tall and willowy, close to six feet, Alex guessed. "I need some drawstring lounge pants." Alex said to her. She had decided against jeans and was looking for something more comfortable for the long car ride. But she had to thank the manufacturers of men's jeans, as each pair advertised waist and leg length on the hip. Even the world's worst detective would have known Goren's size, information she now shared with the sales girl. Alex clacked the hangers around the rack and selected a pair of solid dark gray pants, deciding that color was safe. She held the pants up against her to assess the length of the leg. His waist landed just under her breast height, she figured. She felt like a shrimp. All this clothing dwarfed her, but yes, these would do.

"T-shirts", was Alex's next request to the sales girl. As they approached the appropriate racks, the girl turned to Alex asking "How big is your guy?" and with her hands gestured three general shoulder widths.

Alex smiled. "Wide".

The cheery sales girl smiled in return. "Oooo, lots to love!"

"Warmth in the winter, shade in the summer" Alex shot back, and a huge smile spread across her face as the absolute wicked truth of that comment dawned on her for the first time.

"My Dad's a big guy, too", chuckled the girl.

Considering the girl's height, that was no surprise to Alex. She supposed Goren could easily have kids that tall. Hmmm. Goren with children of his own. What an interesting concept. What would they be like? Beyond the height issue which would be dependent on the mother, she wondered about character. Her amused smile changed to an affectionate smile. They'd be amazing kids…. They'd be bloody lucky kids. They would be adored. She hoped for their sake that they would carry Bobby's traits and none shown by the rest of his family. Alex was almost positive that the reason Bobby had never formed a serious or permanent relationship with a woman was the fear of passing on his family's crippling mental illness or predispositions to addiction. She strongly believed nurturing would be a huge component of creating a thriving adult; things missing from the young Bobby's life would need to be there in his child's. She knew he would not make the mistakes of his parents. The more she'd gleaned about his family and his upbringing, the more she marvelled at how he had survived as such a strong and successful individual. The direction of her thoughts stopped her dead in the aisle. Okay, this was not part of the agenda for the day. Time to get back on track.

Just as her tall sales girl was presenting her a package of white t-shirts, Alex spotted the black ones. Alex just couldn't seem to wipe the smile off her face. They had to be black. Alex had to admit, there was definitely something... well... hot about Goren in a black t-shirt.

With the black t-shirts added to her shopping cart, Alex and the sales girl headed for sports shirts. The plaid lumberjack look wasn't going to do it for her, but after quickly assessing the selection, Alex pulled out a dark blue, black and grey vertically striped shirt. Yup, let's go with that, she thought. On a nearby rack there were some fleece hoodies. There wasn't a lot of choice, but this would do in place of a jacket. She settled for dark charcoal like the pants. Everything matched, but in the back of her mind, she'd been tempted to present Goren with a bag of clothes better suited to a circus act….

As she headed for the underwear, Alex thanked God men didn't wear bras. However. She could never get over the variety of men's briefs and boxers. Come on, Alex. Think of this as a job, not that what you choose is going to be lying against your partner's delicate skin.

But finally, Alex allowed the devil in her to take control. With twitching lips that were still smiling, she plunged her cart though the aisle of packages displaying buff, dangerous looking men posing with hips thrust forward. Crotch-watching was not something Alex routinely participated in. Something had to be pretty obvious to draw her attention. Well, something in this aisle drew her attention. Boxer briefs. White. Definitely not tighty-whities, but long and snug and oh! so smooth over the butt. Goren would refer to it as the gluteus, but "butt" worked just fine for her. With a check of the waist size, the package arced gracefully through the air into the shopping cart. Done. Ah, she'd like to be a fly on the wall to hear her partner's reaction when he pulled those out of the shopping bag. Although she wasn't completely sure, she didn't think these would be his usual "flavor" of undergarment.

And then a hanger at the end of the aisle caught her eye. Oh, this couldn't be real…. Displayed on the end-cap was a pair of men's boxers in blue and navy exactly the colours of their uniforms and shirts. Printed on the boxers was a wide belt just below the waistband and on the belt was a holstered gun, a police badge strategically located, a flashlight on one hip and a set of handcuffs on the other. Alex's smile was huge. This was a no-brainer. She picked up the hanger and held the boxers up to the check the size. Her smile tipped into a giggle. She clasped the hanger and its contents to her and laughed. She buried her face in the boxers and laughed harder. Tears flowed freely from her eyes. These were the funniest things she'd seen in years! The laughter rippled through her abdomen and took her breath away. She bent over double, her body shaking anew, as she considered buying a pair for herself. She laughed until the laughs turned to sobs.

So close. She'd come so close to losing him. And this nightmare was not going to end yet. Everything she had built her life on over the last eight years was crumbling around her. She wasn't sure she could stop it.

"Ma'am? Ma'am! Are you all right? Should I call an ambulance?" The poor sales clerk was clearly distressed at the sudden and overwhelming change in Alex's behaviour.

By this time, Alex was sitting cross-legged on the floor wedged between circular racks filled with clothing. With her face still pressed into the boxers, she held up one hand to stop the clerk from calling 911.

"I'm sorry", she hiccupped. "I just need a minute. I'll be fine." When Alex finally put the boxers on her lap, the first thing she saw was the anxious face of the sales girl crouched down beside her. Alex drew in a couple of deep breaths and stood up. Thank God they hadn't drawn a crowd. But Alex's face was turning red in embarrassment anyway. With her hair pulled back, she had nowhere to hide. The sweet young sales girl insisted on accompanying her to the checkout and found some tissues for Alex to wipe her unstoppable tears. At least the hysterical sobbing had stopped. Geez, Eames, get it together. She must be far more tired than she thought.

Just as the policeman boxers went through the checkout, she spotted some lip products. She added two Burt's Bees Lip Balm to her purchases. She had the feeling Goren was going to need it once the ointment was gone - which brought back the vision of Goren holding up his tube of lip ointment. She smiled, quietly this time, and shook her head at the thought of him.

She paid quickly, grabbed the bags and headed out into the thinning light of the cold November day to the SUV.