"Do not let loyalty and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart." ~Proverbs

12. Re-turn

Faith had been right about one thing. Bobby was asleep within five minutes of leaving the hospital.

Before they got to the freeway, Alex pulled the SUV into a parking stall beside a gas station. Goren's eyes flew open as the vehicle stopped and he looked over at Alex.

"Anything you want? Need?" she asked.

A head shake was her answer and at the same time showed her his reluctance to use his voice.

He watched her disappear into the station. She'd be horrified to know she had bed-head from sleeping on her wet hair. Not that he was going to tell her; she was packing a gun again, he smiled to himself. They'd stopped briefly to pick up her gun and handcuffs from the gun locker in Emergency as they were leaving the hospital.

He tried to resist making his exit from the hospital in a wheelchair, but Faith had stuck to her guns. Alex had had no trouble pushing him in the wheelchair. She was amazingly strong. There was lot of muscle packed into that petite frame. He couldn't imagine how much weight she pressed to stay in the shape she was in. He must ask her, but he had his suspicions it had something to do with his weight. It was nice that all the workouts which had given her such lovely muscle definition, hadn't robbed her of her feminine curves. One of those softer curves had brushed him as she leaned down to remove the brake on the wheelchair. If he didn't know better, he'd think she'd done it on purpose... Normally he steered clear of any contact as he'd trained himself to do from the start, but trapped in the wheelchair, there was no way to avoid it. He should stop feeling guilty for enjoying that particular contact. He laid the responsibility for that touch squarely at her feet.

Alex came out of the gas station laden. Under one arm she carried two 6-packs of 24 ounce water bottles and in the other, the biggest cup of coffee he'd ever seen. It wasn't a cup, it was an urn. She opened her door and placed the water on her seat and the coffee in the oversized cup holder nearest the driver's seat. "Mine", Alex sternly informed him with a pointing finger. She then started pulling the bottles from their plastic holder and handed them to Goren one by one.

"How many stops were you planning to make?" he asked in a broken whisper as he armed every cup holder he could reach with a bottle of water.

The corner of Alex's lips twitched as she reached behind the seat and pulled the hospital blanket from the back and handed it to him.

"None", she replied. His look of distress was rewarded with a huge smile.

"Maybe we should get a motel room", he whispered.

Now there's a line, she thought wryly to herself as she tried not to show the jolt his unexpected words brought.

"I'm fine", she replied, finally making eye contact with him. "Are you? I was just kidding about no stops", she added while she carefully watched his expression.

He nodded. "I'll be fine", he whispered.

"Let's get going. There is nothing we can do here, Bobby". She paused as she searched his bloodshot eyes. "You really need to tell me everything."

He nodded his agreement as he broke their eye contact. "Soon", his low voice cracked.

She nodded back, satisfied, and reached over to push the lever that reclined his seat. He looked surprised as it jumped back slightly. Alex then took a corner of the blanket and shook it out over his legs, signalling that he should cover himself. She knew she would have to keep the SUV interior cool if she was going to stay alert.

She was sure she heard an almost inaudible "not an invalid" muttered as he straightened the blanket and she started the SUV. With luck they would make good time into the city by travelling in the middle of the night.

She worked on her coffee mile after mile. Unfortunately the caffeine took hours to kick in and it was a struggle to stay alert. The SUV was powerful, smooth and quiet. It practically drove itself. Goren dozed a lot and as the green glow from the console lit his profile, she was never completely sure if he was asleep or lost in his thoughts, as usual. He didn't talk. She was starting to worry that that his difficulty speaking might be a convenient way to shut her out, whether intentional or not.

..Plattsburg..

They had more than their usual number of pit stops on the way back to the city. At the hospital Goren had been so pumped full of fluids that his kidneys were working overtime to keep up and they were forced to pause at almost every rest stop on the way. Even he was getting tired of it, but really, she didn't care and reminded him to down another bottle of water and to add the ointment to his lips. His abused body was indicating the start of its recovery.

Alex would run around the rest area, jumping up and down in the cold night air, as she waited outside for him in virtually deserted parking lots. Between the cold and the activity, she would be refreshed for the next leg of their journey.

..Pottersville..

Goren shifted in his seat. He reminded her of her nephew when he needed to find a bathroom.

"Need to stop?" she asked.

"No." Came the hoarse reply.

Could have fooled me...

More shifting, then he put his hands on his thighs and pushed towards his knees as he lifted his backside. By this point she was doing double takes at him with a growing frown on her face.

He knew she needed an explanation. If he didn't, she might head for the nearest hospital. He rolled his head and eyes towards her. He cleared his throat and produced a respectable stage whisper. "About these boxers, Eames... We need to talk about the features to watch for next time you do my shopping."

Her frown relaxed as he spoke and then transformed into a magnificent smile. Not what she expected. It was hard to stop smiling at his obvious discomfort. "Next time", she repeated dryly in a voice that tried to discourage further conversation on the subject. She turned back to watching the road, but could not stop the smile. Even his lips were cautiously stretched into a smile at the unexpected intimacy.

Oh, he liked this partner! There was no one with whom he was more comfortable. He was so glad she had stayed to bring him home. He could imagine if it had been Ross. Ross would have told him to take public transit home, since that's what he'd used to get to Truby.

He had yet to thank Alex – and he had so much to thank her for. He had never experienced such personal loyalty from someone. He'd seen loyalty at its best, he'd seen it misplaced, but this had shown him how it felt to have someone there to catch you as you were falling. It was a completely new concept in his life. She might not have consented to have any part of his plan; she might not have been there waiting for his check-in phone calls; she might not have insisted that his rescue from Tates was extremely urgent. Right now he was honoured by her loyalty. Would he feel that way tomorrow when they returned to "reality", or would he be embarrassed by it: embarrassed that he needed that loyalty, embarrassed that he needed Alex as his safety net?

As a child, he had felt loyalty towards Frank. He had adored his big brother. The loss of that adoration was more than a heavy weight, it was an acute pain. He wondered if Frank had even noticed when things had changed. Probably not. Frank was too absorbed in Frank. He and Frank could not be any more different and yet, sometimes exactly the same.

He was loyal to Declan Gage, a man who had been more of a father to him than his own father – he had stood up for him as best he could when Ross, as the new captain, had harshly judged him and too hastily laid blame for the murders on him. Bobby was still loyal to Declan in spite of Eames' kidnapping, but there was a new reserve there. Caution.

He was loyal to Captain Deakins. He respected him, enjoyed his company and missed him greatly. That loyalty was certainly responsible for some of the friction between himself and Captain Ross.

Was he loyal to Alex? Absolutely. But he seldom had the opportunity to show it to her. She was so self-sufficient and careful. She worked hard to make sure she didn't put herself in a position that required any display of loyalty. It was part of being a woman in a "man's world". No weakness allowed. Would he have done the same thing for Alex as she had just done for him this last week? He couldn't even begin to answer that, because to do so would have had him admit how much he'd asked of her. Things were going to happen in the next week and he was afraid Leslie LeZard's words were going to come back to haunt them both.

"You'll never make Captain, either," Leslie had shot venomously at Eames. "You'll be tainted by him. He's insubordinate and unstable. How long before he loses it and takes you down with him?" Goren felt ill all over again as he remembered with damning clarity his words with Eames immediately afterwards. They were burned into his brain.

"Are you worried about what she said?" he'd been bold enough and worried enough to ask Alex.

Alex had replied, "I used to".

"And now?" he'd continued probing. His heart pounded as he had waited out her long pause before she spoke.

"It's too late", had been her brief and simple reply, leaving him stunned at the time and horrified now as he sat so closely beside her. It seemed Leslie LeZard had been right. He was going to take her down with him. The folly of his adventure into Tates was beginning to sink in and with Donny missing, he felt like his risk had been for nothing. He had to make sure Eames' reputation stayed clean. She didn't deserve to suffer for her loyalty. With the word "tainted" burning in his thoughts, he slipped into an uncomfortable sleep.

..Saratoga Springs..

They pulled in beside the gas pumps and Goren immediately headed for the men's room. Alex smiled quietly and started to pump the gas. She watched him disappear into the back of the gas station as her breath fogged the air around her, evaporating into the harsh lights over the gas pumps. She welcomed the shivers that came with the cold air, but wished she was back in the warm nest of the SUV. She was probably being foolish driving all the way back to the city tonight. But Bobby seemed to be doing all right. Her anxiety over his physical condition was disappearing just as each exhaled breath condensed and faded.

Alex could not help thinking about what was going to happen to her job over the next few days. She'd always gotten along well with Ross, but she was pretty sure he was not going to protect Goren over this huge indiscretion, even if he wanted to. And she would probably not fare much better herself. Ross had warned her not so long ago about who she hitched her wagon to.

"If I feel he's losing control or his judgment is off, I will come to you", she'd told Ross, valiantly attempting to buffer Goren in the hours before his mother died and Mark Ford Brady was put to death.

"Okay, Eames, he's your partner. But take care of yourself, don't let him pull you down with him."

Yes, he was her partner and she knew him better than anyone in the department – most were afraid to know him. But was he pulling her down? Alex thought back and again cursed Leslie LeZard who had so recently put her in such an awkward position in front of Goren and forced Alex to try to sidestep admission of her true feelings. Leslie's wild stabs at the two partners as she was led away in handcuffs, had hit home to a more vulnerable Goren. Uncharacteristically, he confronted Alex, asking if she thought she'd been tainted by him. He'd know if she was lying, so there was no point in that. She had hesitated too long to flip off a light snark, so she had replied "It's too late". After she'd said it, it occurred to her that he might have taken it the wrong way. Alex didn't mean that he was losing it and that she was going down with him. What she had really meant was that it was far too late to even worry about it; she'd long ago decided that partnering with him was the best thing that could have happened to her. Being put on the spot, she just couldn't seem to give him the honest answer he needed to hear. The way it had come out of her mouth had seemed harsh even to her ears. She wasn't accustomed to being questioned by an uncertain Robert Goren seeking reassurance. She'd handled it poorly, but she had been a tad pissed at him for initially liking the ruthless LeZard. Alex would forever delight in misspelling the wretched woman's name as LiZard. It wasn't the first time Goren had been softened by a psycho female and it probably wouldn't be the last. She didn't think there was anything she could do to prevent it, though. Not without ruining their finely tuned working relationship.

If she believed what everyone else told her, yes, being with Goren was a huge liability to her career, but she hadn't taken the job to get noticed, to climb, what the Old Boys' Club called, the ladder of success. Goren gave her exactly what she needed – professionally speaking. She was exactly where she was most effective and seldom wondered what her life would be like if she hadn't met Robert Goren.

But she felt the inevitable hurricane brewing around her complicity in Goren's scheme. Her sigh was visible in the freezing air, curling as it hit the SUV and creating a storm of its own.

Inside the station, Alex filled a Styrofoam cup with coffee and carefully fit the plastic lid on the rim. Her hands were shaking. Oh, great, she thought. Lack of sleep and a caffeine high. Good thing she wasn't on the job, but then she seldom needed this much caffeine when they worked a case. Thrill of the chase substituted for caffeine. She wound her way around the junk food displays to the counter to pay for the gas, coffee and her much needed bag of Skittles. As she stood counting out the money, she knew he was behind her, she didn't have to look. When she raised her eyes, he was there like always, dwarfing her, his figure clearly reflected in the towering windows spanning the front of the station. Something caught in her throat again and they stared at one another in the reflection, neither face giving away the thoughts behind. The moment was broken as the attendant reached for the money she was holding out.

Alex stepped outside and headed towards the SUV with her giant, quiet shadow close behind. She didn't notice he was still behind her until she opened the driver's door. She looked at him with surprise as she climbed in and he held the door. He never came around to her side of the vehicle. "Okay?" he rasped as he regarded her with concerned brown eyes. "Fine", she replied, still surprised. She could count on one hand the number of times he'd asked that question over the years. He nodded, still observing her with a careful eye, then gently shut her door with a click.

..Albany..

Alex was so tired. She wished they were closer to the city and could pick up 101.9FM. Goren enjoyed the Matt Pinfield show but unfortunately it would be another three hours before he would be on the air. It was a good thing they were compatible when listening to music, at least she assumed they were. He never complained. Alex tended to prefer contemporary women vocalists, but Goren was all over the map with what appeared to be widely eclectic tastes. She was never sure if he liked something or whether his listening was simply academic information-gathering for future reference. The real tell was when he asked to hear something again. He was obviously happy as long as the music had rhythm. Goren certainly had rhythm. He was a beautiful ballroom dancer.

She'd never forget watching him dance with their suspect Margie Timmons just after Alex had returned from maternity leave. They had been out following leads and had hit the jackpot at the last dance studio they visited. Alex had partnered with a short, rigid, but enthusiastic dance partner who held her self-consciously at an arms-length as he moved her around the floor counting every step. In sharp contrast, Goren glided skilfully over the dance floor, oozing confidence, competence and familiarity with every step. He held his tall partner firmly with the correct distance between their bodies; not too closely to offend her, but not too far away that there was no intimacy. Goren simultaneously choreographed his movements and his plan for playing Margie. Both appeared effortless, but then that was the Robert Goren Alex loved watching in action. She was fascinated when observing this master of manipulation.

As a dancer, he stood out in that crowd, head and shoulders above them all; broad shoulders made broader by his finely cut suit which pulled snugly across his back to accentuate the V- shape narrowing to his hips. With hormones still raging so shortly after giving birth, Alex had watched him with different eyes. She normally tried not to notice Goren's masculinity, but all she could think about that day was if he moved like that on the dance floor, what would he be like... ? That question would certainly go unanswered. It would be in her best interest to be partnered with a eunuch at that point in her life instead of this beautiful vision of a man.

Every day, no matter where they were, the partners seldom went for more than a few minutes without catching the others' eye. When Goren was out dancing was no exception. He dominated the dance floor with fluid transitions which could be almost catlike. His feet would move quickly, but his shoulders gave the impression he was floating. Alex was always stunned that he could be so clumsy in the office, but as soon as the music started, he transformed into poetry in motion.

His dance partner was always convinced she had captured Goren's complete attention, but Alex, standing aside, knew better. Alex had been the recipient of sultry looks and devilish glances. The sultry look had taken her off guard, but the devilish glance had come from a playful Goren who couldn't seem to stop expressing his joy at her return to work. Watch this, his expression had said. He had spun Margie Timmons effortlessly, literally turning the reserved woman into a breathless blushing schoolgirl.

One of these days, Alex thought she might actually be in the right place at the right time to dance with him. Strictly as a professional curiosity, of course. She'd have to make sure she had her highest heels on that day or she'd hate to think what part of her anatomy would be tucked up close to which part of his anatomy. They would be ridiculously mis-matched.

Suddenly, Goren's hand was firmly gripping her thigh and his husky whispered voice asked, "Are you all right?"

Alex jumped and jerked her foot off the accelerator. How did he know she was starting to fade?

"Yes, I'm fine! Geez, Goren, don't do that!"

"Too bad Pinfield isn't on yet", he whispered, ignoring her start. Alex felt like she'd just had her mind read, and really didn't appreciate it considering what had been going through it.

"We should stop. You need a break." He had worked out the timeline and realized how little sleep she had had in the past few days. They didn't have to be back in the city tonight.

"We're close enough, Bobby, let's just keep going."

Twenty miles down the road his hot hand still rested on her thigh and she was wide awake.

..Brooklyn..

It was a relief when they pulled up outside his building at 4 a.m. She couldn't safely have driven much longer. Goren awoke as she was parking the SUV. It was a small miracle she'd found street parking so close. He rolled his blanket up and put it inside his shopping bag. Alex grabbed her bag, locked up the SUV and pulled out her personal keys. She always carried one of Goren's keys on her ring with her, although she'd only ever used it once before, right after Frances had died. Again it felt strange to have Bobby standing behind her as she opened his door.

A billow of frigid air followed them through the entrance, but it wasn't much warmer inside. The air was stale, even though Bobby had only been gone a week. She closed the door quietly watching him. He stood for a moment in the kitchen without moving as though re-orienting himself to a place he had known in a different lifetime. Then he gently placed the shopping bag on the kitchen table and went to turn on the heat. Once adjusted, he turned to her.

"You don't need to stay", his voice cracked as he looked down at her through hooded eyes.

The look on Alex's face had him immediately responding by holding both hands up, palms toward her. With a deep nod and expression of surrender, he indicated he'd changed his mind about recommending she leave.

"Right back" he whispered, and headed to the bathroom.

Alex shook her head and smiled. The poor guy.

Alex, remembering the groceries, ran out to the SUV and brought in the bags she'd picked up earlier in the day. She quickly unpacked and put them away in Goren's kitchen. It was still too cold inside to take off her jacket, but she slipped her boots off near the door. She reached into his shopping bag and pulled out the hospital blanket which was still warm from his body. She wrapped it around herself and went to sit cross-legged on the couch. A handy throw pillow was appropriated for resting her head in a few minutes. She would stay awake just long enough to use the bathroom and make sure Bobby was settled for what was left of the night.

When Goren came out of the bathroom, he found Eames a bundled mound on the couch. All he could see was her hair, the blanket and a few toes peeking out. He suspected that she was already asleep and went to get her more blankets.

"Eames?" he whispered.

Alex lifted her chin to his voice and opened one eye to peer at him.

"Here are a couple of blankets. Will you be warm enough?"

"I'll be fine." She replied.

"Do you want a t-shirt to sleep in?"

"Sure, I'll take a small. Have anything in pink?"

"No, but you can have this one", and he handed her a well worn gray academy t-shirt. "I grew out of it", he said seriously.

Alex opened her mouth to say something and immediately shut it again.

"You're welcome" he murmured with an amused expression, as she passed him on the way to the bathroom with t-shirt in hand. No Eames, I don't have a drawer full of women's clothing, just in case...

In the bathroom mirror Alex observed the reflection of the exhausted woman staring back at her. Her hand automatically went to her bare neck. She was going to miss that cross. It had become part of her. She was sure it had been bundled up in some towels or sheets by a nurse. Bobby had been in such bad shape that he probably hadn't even noticed it wrapped around his fingers. It saddened her to think that secret bond between them was gone forever.

Alex's eyes moved back to her reflected face. Bobby hadn't mentioned the bedhead, but then he rarely saved her from lettuce between the teeth either. He had come to the rescue of her dignity once when she'd inadvertently walked out of the ladies room trailing toilet paper stuck to the sole of her boot. She'd seen his eyes flick to her feet and without lifting his head from his paperwork, his long navy-suited arm had stretch across his desk and pointed to her foot... Pity she'd never caught him with his fly down. She had collected a few snarks which would suit that occasion. She had no intentions of missing that opportunity.

Alex quickly brushed her teeth with the brush and toothpaste she'd picked up at Wal-mart. She was going to forgo the anticipated shower. She just wanted to get to sleep. Reluctantly, she removed her jacket in the chilly bathroom and loosened her belt. Her pants hit the floor with a thump. Oh shoot! She shouldn't do that. Goren would be in the other room wincing as he heard her holstered gun hit the floor. She must be tired to let that happen. She stripped everything off but her panties. She wasn't going to have her backside showing to the world – or Robert Goren. She pulled the t-shirt over her head and it settled on one shoulder and slid halfway down the other. Oh, well, beggars can't be choosers. She just needed a belt and she would be set with a sexy off-the-shoulder summer dress. Or not. What the well-dressed New Yorker will be wearing next summer.

When Alex came out of the bathroom, Bobby was already in bed with the lights out. Alex stuck her head around the door frame. "You okay? Do you need anything", she asked, and then added "Do you have water beside you?"

"I'm fine. You can stop worrying about me, Alex. Sleep well," came the hoarse reply.

The darkness hid her shock at the use of her first name. "Goodnight Bobby." She said quietly and sighed with relief. She was far more comfortable back in the city where she had the illusion she was in control. But she had no illusions that she could stop worrying. There was a lot to discuss in the morning.

Turning from the bedroom doorway she could see he'd been busy. There was a bottle of water and glass on the coffee table, accompanied by a small circle of Skittles. The three blankets had been spread neatly on the couch and a real pillow with a fresh crisp pillowcase had been added. She smiled at his attention to detail, but tonight she would have been happy on a park bench covered in newspapers. As she turned out the light and crawled under the blankets, her body began its rapid cascade towards deep sleep. Nothing was going to keep her awake. No dreams would invade her sleep.

The worst was over.

Chapter 13 coming soon...