7
When Friday night arrived I was so nervous I felt faint. This would be my first date. I had heard girls talk about dates all the time and they sounded fun, but this wasn't fun, it was tense and too fraught with expectation. I reminded myself to stay sharp and watch for any signs of this being a set up. I feared my heartbreak would be filmed as an exposé for Carlisle Cullen to show the entire city.
By the time Edward knocked on my door I was ready to cancel. I opened it and he saw my face, knowing immediately I was just barely hanging on.
"Hey, hey, hey," he said as he stepped inside and held my face in his hands. "It's just you and me, tonight."
I almost told him, I came so close to blurting out my first party would be the same night as my first date and I didn't think I could handle it.
"Do you want to stay in and watch a movie instead of going out?" he asked.
"No," I said like a child pouting. He wouldn't kiss me unless I was happy, and ruining his birthday would not make me happy, so we had to go out in order to get my first kiss, too.
"So," he said as he waited, "Where are we going?"
"Can we go to the beach first, by your parent's house, maybe if we walk and talk I'll loosen up?"
He gave me a big smile, obviously liking the idea of going to the beach and held out his hand for mine. We walked to his car, which was a brand new Volvo, not the image of a phone sex guy at all. He opened my door and when I sat down he ran his hand through my hair. I was so happy I didn't have to have the spoken version of his game, the live version was so much better.
"You look really pretty," he said as we pulled out of the parking lot.
I looked down at my exposed legs which seemed to fill the seat and wished for my thermals. My bulky sweatshirt over my new bikini top made me feel so much more comfortable and I knew there was no way the shirt was coming off.
I looked out the window and refused to respond.
We pulled into his parent's driveway, just like Alice said he would, and he turned to smile at me. "Do you mind if we pop in and I introduce you?"
I couldn't find my voice so I only shook my head and gave him a shaky smile. I was terrified, knowing this was the moment; if they were going to be cruel it would be now.
He held my hand tightly and could feel my trembling so he used both hands to hold my one. We walked through the dark house as he called out for his parents. He finally led me to the back deck where people screamed surprise in unison and cheered loudly.
The place was packed; easily over one hundred people were dotting the sand. Edward ducked his head as he mumbled, "Oh God."
"Are you mad at me?" I asked him, sensing his hesitation.
"No, I just wanted to tell you some things before you heard them from other people."
He only got to say the one line. He was pulled from my side and onto the sand as various people descended on him. Nobody had a clue who I was and I was left standing alone on the deck. I kept my head down as I moved to the railing on the side and leaned against it. I could stare at nothing for hours, a talent I learned early in life.
Large amounts of food were placed on a table and kegs were flowing quickly. I was handed a beer, but I don't know by who and stared at the golden liquid filled with empty calories. I took a sip and it was cold and rich, so I took another one. I decided to forgo the food table and just drink a beer or two.
I hadn't eaten at all the entire day and after only a few sips I began to feel the calming effects of the drink. By the time I was noticed by a gorgeous woman I was feeling down right relaxed. She smiled and I smiled back, a full smile, not a tense, hesitant smile.
"I'm Esme, Edward's mother," she said and held out her hand.
"His mother?" I gasped. "You look like you could be his girlfriend, not his mother."
It was not an appropriate thing to say but it fell from my relaxed lips.
"I think you are his girlfriend," she laughed.
"No, I'm big fat Bella, he would never like me," I said as my sober inner monologue screamed at me to shut the hell up.
"Is it a joke?" she asked as she gave me a quick up and down glance.
"Always the joke," I whispered and she smiled causing me to smile back.
She nodded with her head for me to follow her and we walked into the kitchen to talk privately. She handed me a bag of chips and a bowl to fill as she added more fruit to a tray. "How did you meet my son?" she asked.
"These are really high in hydrogenated fat," I said and pushed the bag back to her.
"Are you a nutritionist?" she asked as she retrieved the bag.
"I am a food expert," I laughed and she gave me a wary look.
"So does Edward know you from work?" she pushed and I looked at her with wide eyes. Did she really think I called him for sex?
"I work for National Airlines, I'm a booking agent."
"Wow, you must travel to some pretty great places," she said and I laughed harder.
"I can't fit in the seats. The only places I have been are Forks, Washington and Seattle. Well, and all points in between."
"Now how did you meet Edward again?"
"Edward," I said with a sigh, "I think I might be falling in love with him."
Esme turned at a sound I didn't hear to see Edward standing in the doorway. He walked over to kiss his mother lightly on the cheek and thanked her for the party.
"I think your friend has had enough," she said with a smile and Edward looked at me with raised eyebrows.
"You actually drank something?"
"One," I said, but held up two fingers causing him to laugh.
"Any food to go with it?" he asked with a hopeful expression.
"Nope, I'm being strong," I said and held up my arm to display a hidden muscle.
He walked over by me and turned around, "Here, jump on my back and I'll show you how strong I can be."
"You can't carry me," I said adamantly. "You'll get hurt."
"You're hurting my pride, jump on," he said as his mother watched on in confusion.
I put my arms around his neck and he dipped down so I could bring my legs around his waist. He stood upright and walked easily from the room, across the deck, down the stairs, and into the darkness away from the crowd.
"You are so strong," I told him and he only gave me a tisk.
When he finally set me on my feet and turned to look at me, I could only see him from the moonlight. He was beautiful and I stared in awe. "Are you having fun?" he asked.
"Now I am," I said honestly.
He placed his hands on the side of my face and neck and leaned his forehead against mine. I could smell his breath and hear his shallow breathing. "Say it to me, what you told my mother, say it to my face."
I closed my eyes and said it in my mind, having no idea it came out of my mouth, "I think I love you."
He moved closer so my legs were now touching the insides of his and his face tilted just enough to touch his lips to mine. I stopped breathing and my arms hung uselessly at my sides. I had no idea what to do, but something primal, evolving through the centuries kept my mouth relaxed and moving easily with his.
His hands moved from my head and ran down my arms to pull them up to his shoulders. I let them slide around his neck as his tightened around my waist. His tongue moved into my mouth and the action made my arms tighten and I moaned unintentionally.
It set him on fire. His hands ran under my bulky shirt and up my shivering flesh. I wasn't cold, but I was shaking as if I was.
I had always imagined my first kiss would be at the door as the man told me goodnight. He would kiss me tenderly and I would open my door and walk away. This was not a first kiss, this was passion I wasn't ready for. When I tried to pull back he moved with me, maintaining contact.
I felt his hand pull on the tie holding my swimsuit top to my body. His long arms circled all the way around my torso and touched the sides of my breasts. I finally pushed him by the shoulders and turned my mouth away from him.
"No," I said loudly and he instantly dropped his arms from me and stepped back.
"I'm sorry, I thought…didn't you…I mean…"
I ran my hands through my hair and leaned over to clear my head. He took another step back and whispered, "I'm sorry."
"I don't know how to do this," I said in embarrassment and kept my back to him. "It's too much."
"Okay, I'll back off. I thought you wanted me," he said shamefully.
I turned to look at him and had to brush away my tears to see him clearly. "Wanted you, like sex?" I asked.
His head fell and he didn't answer.
"Edward, you just gave me my first kiss. This night is my first date. The only thing I know about sex is what I hear from you on your phone."
He shook his head forcefully and said, "That is not sex. That is…ugly."
"Ugly I know all about," I said and turned back to the blackness of the ocean.
"Don't do that," he said with a grimace. "Don't use my words as personal insults."
"Then you'll have to stop speaking to me," I whispered.
He came up behind me and pulled me against his chest as he rocked us back and forth. "I want you to love me, because I love you. I want you to want me, because I want you."
"I do want you, I just can't move so quickly, it scares me," I said trying to explain.
"Okay, I won't push you, just let me know when you're ready," he said and kissed my head.
"You seriously expect me to call you and say, 'come screw me I'm ready,' like it only takes a certain amount of days?"
"Please, don't call," he laughed and it made me laugh with him.
I turned in his arms to face him and put my forehead on his chest. "I'll always be afraid to let you see my body," I admitted.
He leaned his head down to speak into my ear, using a voice I had heard him use before, "I can make you love your body."
I raised my head and looked at his crooked smile before saying, "Fine, give me your number."
I thought it would offend him and he would grow angry, but instead he laughed and lifted me off the ground and into a quick spin. He held me easily but the picture in my mind wondered how he could possibly get his arms around me.
After a couple of heart stopping kisses he said, "This has been the best birthday."
"Oh God," I gasped. "I didn't get you a gift. I've never been to a birthday party and I didn't even think about bringing a gift. I'm sorry, Edward."
"You got me a gift, Bella," he said as if I had lost my mind.
I wondered if Alice noticed how uncouth I was and purchased one for me to spare me from hurting her brother. He took my hand and led me to some lounge chairs against the sea wall and pulled me down with him onto the cushions.
He ran his finger down the contours of my face as he stared into my eyes. "You are my gift," he said and let his hand slide into my hair as he pulled me in for a kiss.
I leaned into his body and he rolled to pull me onto him. His hand moved to my skirt and pulled me against his aroused body. The feeling was amazing and I wanted more, but I also felt a bit of fear at the size of what I was feeling. I had only looked at pictures of men who were showing off their abs or leg muscles. I had never looked at a picture of an aroused man.
His hands began kneading the flesh under my skirt and I had to gasp for the air I needed. He was moving his pelvis against me in a perfect rhythm and my leg rose to his side to join him with my own movements.
The pressure was building and we began breathing in loud pants. His hands held me firmly to him, clamping on my leg and butt as I pushed up on my hands to stare down at him. His eyes were closed and his teeth were clenched. Just the sight of him fueled my lust and I whimpered with the pain of unfulfilled need.
His eyes shot open and he pulled me back to and rolled onto me. He locked his arms and watched me as he picked up the pace of his movements between my legs. I could feel the hardness of him and the friction was making my entire body rigid.
"You're almost there, love, let it happen," he said and I arched off the chair with my head straining on the cushion as I screamed out from a feeling so incredible it was painful. My body rippled like waves on a pond just as he pushed against me with force and yelled out in loud grunts.
It was at that point I heard it, the loud laughter from the crowd of people watching us. I heard the comments shooting at me from the dark. "Eddie's dry humping like in high school, Won't she give it up for you, She giving you wet dreams."
I began crying and swinging wildly at him to get off of me. He was trying to calm me but I wouldn't listen. I ran from him, down the beach and into the darkness, away from the laughing crowd.
8
I talked a cab driver into taking me home and waiting for me to get the money from my apartment to pay him. I left all my lights off and refused to answer when Edward knocked on the door or spoke to me through the walls. He finally gave up and left again.
I sat in the darkness and cried. My first time with a man in any way should have been safe and reassuring it was me he wanted and loved. I was humiliated and confused. I wasn't even sure what happened to me. What that what women called Edward for? Was that the release they were willing to pay a stranger to talk them through?
I understood the laughter a fat girl elicited, but this laughter made me feel ugly on the inside. I got up and headed to my refrigerator. I didn't want to be this girl anymore. I didn't want to be invited to parties or taken to the mall. I grabbed anything edible and ate it quickly. I sighed with familiar comfort, it was there all the time and I forced myself to live without it. I felt like I had been away for so long and I was finally home.
I slept in the next morning giving my toe a much needed rest. It was close to noon when I finally woke from the growling of my stomach. It wanted more of what I willingly gave it the night before. I dressed quietly so I wouldn't wake Edward and snuck out the door.
I headed to a restaurant and ate waffles with bacon and eggs. I ignored the faces around me and smiled at my plate. I stopped at a grocery store on the way home and filled the cart without looking at the nutritional information once. I planned to take the new clothes back to the stores on Monday morning. I learned years ago most stores are less crowded on Monday morning.
I lived like a thief in my own house the entire weekend. I moved quietly and only flushed the toilet if I heard Edward leave. I didn't respond to his pleading or his begging for forgiveness. Saturday night he let his phone ring without ever answering it. Sunday night he was short and rude with the women. I was sure he would lose his job and hopefully have to move back home with his parents.
On Monday I worked through the day before packing up the clothes to return. I opened my door and Edward fell into my apartment. He had been sitting against the closure to catch me coming or going. He jumped up quickly and stayed inside as he shut the door quickly.
"Get out," I said with my eyes down.
"Don't push me, Bella, I am so damn mad at you it is taking everything I have to stay calm."
"Mad at me?" I gasped. "I didn't do anything."
His eyes widened and his arms rose outward as if to steady himself from some unseen movement. "Are you stupid?" he yelled. "You ran from me, Bella. Me. The one person who would do anything for your love, and you ran."
"You humiliated me, Edward. You let them watch and laugh at me."
"Let them?" he screamed. "We got carried away on a dark beach, it isn't anything to be humiliated about."
"For you," I screamed back. "You do that verbally every night. It was new for me, and I didn't understand what happened."
"The entire world knows what a fucking orgasm is, are you really that dense?"
He didn't understand because he had been to parties his whole life. He had beautiful women in his bed to teach him things he was now an expert at. He didn't understand being so reviled that experiences he saw as normal had been kept from me. I never gossips with friends about their experiences and learned how to be with a man.
"Yes, I am," I said softly and watched his expression soften. "I gave you my love, I gave it to you ignorantly because it was you, and you let them laugh at me."
"Bella, you need to get some help, love. You don't see yourself as the world sees you. I understand you haven't been with a man, but it is hard for me to remember that when you are so beautiful and do the things you do."
"I don't do anything," I said, appalled he would accuse me of trying to seduce him or something.
He laughed and shook his head, "Right, you don't do anything. You don't press your body against me, or respond to my touch, or make sexy noises, or drive me insane with your grinding on me. That wasn't you."
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I couldn't find the words for a rebuttal and I was confused.
"You're sexy, Bella. As a man I want you very badly, but then you tell me you love me and, God, I need you with a force I can hardly control. I've never been in love," he admitted and looked at me with such sadness. "I've had sex more than I care to admit, but I've never loved a woman until I met you."
"Edward, it doesn't matter what's on the outside because on the inside I am still the fat, ugly, lonely, disappointment. I know I need help, but those things you said I did, was in response to you. When you touch me, my body melts, but my mind tells me to watch out because he is only trying to hurt you."
"What does your heart tell you?" he asked.
"That I will spend my entire life loving you, but you will never be mine, so I shouldn't let you in."
He swallowed and nodded a couple of times before turning around and leaving my apartment. I knew from the many movies I should run after him. I should tell him I'm going to fight for him and we would fall into each other's arms and fade to black. It was the black that scared me so badly.
I sat down and grabbed my notepad and began really thinking about things. I needed food for comfort, but I wanted Edward for comfort. Food was safe, Edward was scary. Food would always be there, Edward would see the real me and leave. Food would make me fat, so Edward wouldn't want me, so he couldn't leave me, so the real me could stay hidden. I ate to keep people away so my own pain could stop me from feeling other pain.
I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto the couch. I needed help, so I could stop being so afraid of the world. I looked at the bags I was going to return and I opened the door but couldn't go out. So I took them back into the bedroom. Edward was on the phone talking loudly since he thought he heard me leave.
"I can't do it anymore, the pretending is too hard. I should have found her by now."
"Maybe she knows who I am and won't ask me to meet her."
I moved closer to the wall as I listened to his conversation. He wanted to meet one of his callers, because he was looking for someone specific.
"I might go back to Chicago, I haven't really decided."
My heart was beating quickly and I felt panic rising up at the thought of never seeing him again. I needed to move quickly with getting help so I could somehow keep him. Having a relationship with him was scary, but never seeing him again was horrifying.
I got on my computer and looked up local therapists, reading all the reviews and recommendations. I finally settled on two and would see how I could get in to see the quickest. It was late when I got in bed and immediately Edward's phone rang.
"I've been waiting," he answered.
I closed my eyes and pretended he was talking to me. I smiled that he waited for me. He didn't lower his voice or move from the room, so I believed he truly was talking to me.
"I'll teach you what to do," he said. "I'll teach you about your body."
I nodded for him to continue. "Take your clothes off," he suggested and I quickly pulled my nightgown over my head.
"Everything, off."
I removed my underwear and dropped them off the side of the bed.
"Start at your ear, can you feel the soft flesh just under the lobe? It's soft and silky and it teases my fingertips with what's to come."
I let my finger run over the spot he was talking about and enjoyed the sensation, never thinking he would start there.
"Now, feel down your throat with a light touch and stop at the base of your neck. Press lightly and feel the pulsing of your heart. It calls to me, begging me forward as I kiss and lick the flesh that beats against my mouth."
I took a deep breath and felt my pulse quicken.
"Flatten your palm and move to you breast. Feel your nipple as it tightens and reaches greedily for my tongue. Oh God, I can taste you," he moaned and I felt my back arch as my body searched for him.
"Move your hand down until you feel the heat rising. It offers me a welcoming home, pulling me from the cold to burn forever, consumed by wetness just for me."
"Yes," I whispered.
"Take me there, take me home, and cry out my welcome so I can rush inside."
"Edward," I moaned. I moved as he commanded and cried out from the sensation, "Holy fu." I clamped my mouth shut and breathed heavily through my nose.
"Push off with your feet and rise to meet me. Bring the warmth I crave up to me."
I raised high off of the bed, resting on my shoulders as I tightened my hand to my sensitive body.
"I can be slow and gentle, or hard and furious, show me how you want me."
"Yes, yes," I cried out finding the motion I needed.
"Do you feel the barrier, the tightness keeping me back? Press down, press hard and let me in," he said with a strained voice, much more than I had ever heard him use before.
"Come on, Bella, hard, thrust into me, use your feet."
I was now the one grunting and feeling like I was having a strenuous workout. My muscles were tight and flexing with a slight burn. Sweat was forming on my body and my other hand moved willingly to my breast.
His words became jumbled and distorted as he yelled loudly and my entire body locked up at the sound he was making. I screamed into the pillow to muffle the noise and gasped for air as my body slowly relaxed again.
I realized I was crying, from joy, and pleasure, and knowledge of my body I had longed for. I had forgotten about Edward in my little bubble of ecstasy until I heard him say softly through the wall, "I love you."
"Are you on the phone?" I asked.
"No, I hung up after hello."
"Get over here Edward Cullen," I demanded and heard him jump up off of the bed.
I ran to the door to meet him completely forgetting I was naked. He was wearing a pair of gym shorts and nothing more. I jumped into his arms and kissed him with pure instinct without worry of skill. He didn't have to hold me to his body; I had glued myself to him so his hands were free to roam.
His hands were gentle and touched me softly with appreciation instead of pawing at me. I felt him begin to push me away so I let his mouth free to speak.
"Let me look at you," he said looking down at my body.
I let my legs fall and stepped back with my eyes closed. The room was silent and my heart began beating in fear. I finally opened my eyes to see a pained expression on his face. I took another step back and she shook his head.
"Bella, please, love. I am begging you to eat more. I am afraid for you, for us."
"I don't want to be like the women on your wall," I said softly and he closed his eyes in pain.
"I'll take the pictures down," he said misunderstanding my meaning.
"I meant their size, I don't want to be that size," I clarified.
He stepped up to me again and placed his hands on my hips before walking me backwards to my room. He stopped in front of the mirror and turned me around. "Bella, look at how your legs don't touch each other."
I stared at the space between my thighs which I was certain rubbed and bulged together in a mush of flesh.
"Look at your bones protruding from your hips with no curves, only bones."
I remembered seeing thick rolls hiding any sign of bones, but they were gone, only concave skin stretched from one hip to the other.
"Watch how my fingers can line up with your ribs knowing exactly where to lie because there is nothing to hide them."
He ran his fingers over my ribs like a xylophone easily counting each one.
I watched his hands move from spot to spot over the stranger's body in my mirror. I had never seen this body before. It was shriveled and sunken and appeared to belong to a child. I wanted a woman's body so I could please him. I closed my eyes and tried to will my real body back in place. I opened them and saw the same emaciated form I was trying to forget.
"That's me," I said as tears fell from my eyes. "How did that become me?"
His lips dropped to my boney shoulder and he kissed it several times. "I love you and I want you to be well. I want you to be healthy so you can be happy."
"I need help," I admitted out loud.
"I'll support you in every way," he said.
At that moment his phone rang and he closed his eyes as he sucked in a deep breath through his teeth.
"You have to go," I said for him.
He walked out of my bedroom with his head dropped sadly. I looked back at the mirror before grabbing my nightgown off the bed and pulling it over my head. I looked into the mirror now covered with draping flannel and felt the rolls of flesh return.
9
I got an appointment with a woman who was willing to see me right away. I walked into her large glass office and was met by a familiar face. I was tempted to turn and run before she could make her comments. She looked at me with no recognition.
"I have a one o'clock appointment," I said and kept my head obscured.
"And you name is?" Jessica Stanley asked.
"Um…Isabella Swan."
"I knew a Bella Swan," she laughed and began typing on her computer.
"Yeah, hi Jessica," I said and her fingers froze as she slowly raised her head to really look at me.
"No way," she said and let her mouth hang open in shock.
I walked over to sit down and out of her view but she jumped up and came around the counter to see all of me. "Oh my God, you are so skinny. How did you get so skinny? You must have lost like, hundreds of pounds."
My eyes grew wet and I stood quickly to leave when a woman opened her door and said, "Jessica, return to your desk. Ms. Swan, please come in."
Jessica rushed back to her desk and I headed quickly into the office hoping there was a back exit I could leave from.
"I'm sorry," the woman said. "I'm afraid Jessica can be a bit unprofessional sometimes."
"It's okay, I knew her in school," I admitted.
She motioned for me to sit and sat in a chair across from me. "You may call me Joyce; now tell me why you came today, Isabella."
"You can call me Bella," I offered as I tried to stall for time.
"Okay, Bella."
"Um…I used to be really fat, and I just got my first boyfriend. He thinks I don't see myself, I mean, my real self."
She smiled and I had the number ready to announce. I was sure she would ask what I used to weigh but she surprised me. "Tell me about this boyfriend."
"Edward?" I asked as if she had the information not me.
"Is that his name?"
"Yes," I said and smiled as I thought of him. "He lives next door. We can easily hear into each other's apartments. He can hear me exercising all the time and I listen to his conversations with women. Well, not really conversations. He works for a phone sex company. I hear him."
She began writing furiously and I waited for her to finish. She glanced at me again and said, "Have you been intimate with Edward?"
My face turned red and I wasn't sure how to answer her. "We got a little carried away on the beach. People saw us, and when they laughed and teased us I ran away."
"You were having intercourse?" she asked and I shook my head.
"We were just messing around."
"Does Edward have an education?"
"I don't know. His father is someone prominent and they have a lot of money. I don't think they know what he does. And I think he hates it, it makes him cry sometimes."
"How does it make you feel?"
"When he cries?"
"No, when he has sex with other women over the phone."
"Oh, well, he lies to them. Telling them what they need to hear. He showed me their pictures on his wall, and most of them are older and heavy."
"Dear Lord," she mumbled and sat her pen down harshly. "Bella, why do you think you are willing to put up with a man like Edward?"
"Like Edward? Edward is amazing," I said defensively.
"Edward is scum," she said as she stared directly at me.
My eyes darted around nervously as I struggled to find some way to explain how great he was.
"Phone sex lines are scams. They get the woman to talk and feel like they are having a relationship with the man so they can rack up the charges. They prey on women who are lonely or emotionally damaged. It is just a different form of victimization, and he lets you hear him?"
"He's not like that," I said with a weak voice.
"Bella, I have never heard of anyone having pictures of the women who call. It is totally inexcusable for him to have photos, let alone show them to you."
"He wanted me to see I'm not as large as I think I am," I said as the tears fell down my face.
"Honey, right now weight is a side issue. I am more concerned about this abusive relationship."
My voice was getting softer as I was caving into myself. She called him abusive and I felt stupid and naïve. I let a man tell me he loved me as he talked intimately with other women and stared at their pornographic pictures. He made me one of his callers by instructing me through the wall.
"I thought he loved me," I whispered.
"Because you don't think you deserve love. You telegraph your insecurities by being too large or too small. It is the same problem regardless of what the scale says. You need to stop being concerned about weight. Eat when you're hungry and exercise for health benefits, but you need to take a stand for yourself and demand respect from everyone in your life."
She talked at me for a solid hour and lectured me on boundaries and self respect. She told me to find girlfriends I can share and learn from. She made me practice looking people in the eye and asking for what I want. I left there exhausted and devastated.
I was unlocking my door when I stopped and stared over at Edward's door. I counted to three and walked over to knock loudly. He answered with a big smile that made my determination wane. When he reached for me I pulled away and walked right to his bedroom.
"Why do you have these pictures?" I demanded.
He looked at his wall and back at my angry face. "They send them to me," he said nervously.
"You give them your address?"
"No, I have a post office box."
"So, you ask them to send provocative pictures to you?"
He looked at the wall again and straightened his back. "Yes, I do."
"If I asked you to stop doing what you do, would you?"
I waited for him to answer but I already knew what the answer would be. He pretended to hate his job, even telling Jasper it sickened him. But he wouldn't quit, not even for me.
"Bella, I can't quit, and don't ask me to explain," he begged and wouldn't look at my face.
"So you want to have a relationship with me, because you love me, but you won't give up all these women?" I asked as I pointed at his wall.
"Bella, please believe me, there is a reason why I have to do this, I just can't tell you what it is."
"Does your family know you do this?" I asked him and he exhaled loudly.
"Bella, please."
"I want you to stop and find another job, for me, I don't want to listen to you with other women through the wall," I said as I dissolved into tears.
He walked over and began pulling the pictures off the wall. I watched him make the huge sacrifice for me. He dropped the pile of photos in the trash and turned to look at me. He held up both hands and said, "Done."
I ran to him and fell into his arm. "I love you, Edward. I'll get well for you, I promise."
His face buried in my neck and there was something tense and awkward about his hold. I tried not to concentrate on the oddness in the air; I focused on the feel of his body in my arms.
I eventually pulled back and told him I had to work for a few hours. He smiled and told me to go ahead; he had some errands to run and would come over when he got home. I worked until six and felt hungry so I made myself an egg white omelet and a piece of toast.
I forced myself not to obsess over the treadmill and decided to look up vacation spots my airline flew to as a distraction. It was nine o'clock and I realized Edward never came back, but also that his phone never rang. I began to truly worry and wondered if he went to talk to his boss and something happened to him.
I wanted to talk to Jasper but I had no idea how to find him or what his last name was. At ten I got in my car and drove to the Cullen's house. I kept going when I saw Edward's car in the driveway. I didn't want to be the insecure girl checking up on her guy, the first guy to ever look in her direction.
I was lying awake in my bed when I heard his door open and close softly. I looked at my clock to see it was three in the morning. I could tell he was trying to be quiet as he got into his bed. I waited until I knew he would be comfortable, thinking he made it in without waking me.
"Where were you?" I asked loudly.
"Hey, sorry to wake you," he said. "I ran into an old college buddy and we got some drinks to catch up, I didn't realize what time it was."
"Good, I'm glad you had fun, goodnight Edward."
"Goodnight love."
I rolled onto my side and stared into the darkness. He lied, and I didn't mean the words he just now fed me. He lied when he said he could easily love me and never lie to me. It wasn't because I was too fat or too skinny that he lied, it was because he was simply a liar. He called it acting, but I knew better now.
I smiled softly with the realization I wasn't blaming myself for his actions. He wanted me to see myself as a strong, desirable woman and he got his wish. I saw one thing very clearly; I was too good for someone like Edward Cullen.
I woke up early and took a run before buying a coffee and a muffin. I took a shower and dressed before logging onto my computer. I waited until ten in the morning and called my therapists office and asked for Jessica.
"Hello?" she said cheerily.
"Jessica, this is Bella, I was wondering if you would like to do something tonight?"
"Me and you?" she asked and I had to buoy myself a bit.
"Yeah, surely you know some fun places around here," I said trying to sound confident.
"I do," she said and seemed to warm up to the idea. "There is a great club by the university. It isn't all students like some of them are. Let's grab a bite at Baron's first about eight."
"Sounds fun," I said and hoped she didn't hear my voice shaking. I hung up and looked at the treadmill as I fought my inner demons. I had already eaten a muffin and now I was expected to eat dinner at eight o'clock. I decided I would eat something small and hope I would be asked to dance to work off the calories.
At noon Edward knocked. I left on my headset and opened the door. He looked so tired and the stress was showing on his face. I wondered for just a moment if he actually did go drinking with a friend, but then I remembered his car at the Cullen's and the fact his phone never rang.
I knew all about call forwarding, I was a master at hiding from the world so I knew all the tricks. He mistook my innocence as ignorance.
"Want to grab some lunch?" he asked and I noticed how he wouldn't look right at me.
"I would, but I have to work through lunch. I got a late start and I have plans with a girlfriend so I can't work later in the evening."
He gave me a sideways glance and I only smiled at him. "Who's the friend?" he asked.
"Jessica Stanley, from Forks, I ran into her yesterday at my appointment and we made plans."
"Okay, I have a line on a new job, I would still have to work nights but you wouldn't have to hear things through the wall. I actually wouldn't work out of my house anymore."
I stared at him and wondered if I had stupid written all over my face. I held up my finger suddenly and returned to my computer to take a call. He waited for a few moments and finally walked over to kiss my cheek and headed back to his apartment.
I closed my eyes to gain my composure and reached over to turn my phone back on so I could really take calls.