So I suck, I know I kept everyone waiting so long for this, and I'm so so sorry, these past few weeks everything seemed to happen; exams, traveling, family…..

plus writing this was extremely difficult, a friend of mine warned me that this would be a make it or break it chapter, I hope after you guys read this you are still interested.

Any mistakes are my own.

Disclaimer: not mine.

You would think that I would be at least able to pull off basic social functions, that I would maybe nod and smile, well a crazy Sookie smile of course, but nothing. I felt completely glued to where I was, if you had told me the house was on fire, I doubt you would get anymore than a nod and smile then, well that's something.

I stood in my doorway all rational thoughts out of the window. All I was capable of achieving was staring at Eric Northman, Don't ask me why I kept calling him that and don't ask me why I couldn't get my eyes to move away from him. Maybe I thought saying his full name in my head repeatedly while looking at him might force my mind into remembering, or maybe I thought that if I kept looking at him he would disappear and I could get along with my evening…I don't know.

He didn't avoid my gaze, nor did he show discomfort under my staring not so scrutinizing look, instead he stared at me too, it wasn't like a challenge or a stare down waiting to see who would flinch or look away first. It was more of an emotional look; nostalgia, expectation, hope? I would have given anything to be able to get an insight on his thoughts. His stare made me feel a bit more than uncomfortable but my mind was not in full swing, remember?

"Hey Sookie, um can we take this inside?"

Felix pulled me out of my 'pause mode' with his words; I even think I shook my head like those cartoons to shake up my brain or something. Suddenly my sense of time and place returned to me and I was once again fully oriented; my southern manners kicked in, I plastered a smile on my face and moved out of the doorway allowing my guests to enter.

When Eric showed hesitation and reluctance at entering my home I was not shocked, it was expected of course. But when Felix walked in with unsure movements, not quite himself…I have to say I panicked. Felix had always made himself at home here and had always been relaxed and comfortable around me, besides the fact that Felix always moved with grace and accuracy. Seeing him like this was very disconcerting and only assured my previous fears and insecurities that this evening would be anything but smooth, Oh Lord.

After moving into the living room and making several attempts at being a good host, I sat in my usual chair finding comfort in its familiarity. That word had come to mean so much to me lately and I sought after it at every chance. I felt that tonight I should be surrounding myself with such small comforts. That was the only advantage I had going for me. I took a deep breath and looked at Felix with what I could tell was too much eagerness and expectation for my own age.

"Well Sookie, I have not been completely honest with you, um about your past, and aah maybe it's time to lay everything out in front of you, before you say anything, please know that I only did what I did for you Sookie, please understand that, I.."

"Felix get along with it, get to the point please"

Let's just say I was not shocked, I knew this was coming and I new it was coming now, I may have lost my memory but I didn't lose my common sense, but that still didn't mean I would let Felix off the hook that easily, I wanted him to really understand how he left me vulnerable with my ignorance, I mean we might have not been sitting here in this awkward setting if he had told me everything I needed to know. Knowledge is power after all and Felix chose to leave me powerless in front of Eric Northman.

Then again, I know that Felix kept what he did from me to save me some sort of sorrow I was not prepared for, But Felix seemed to enjoy taking me off guard one too many times for my liking…

I raised an eyebrow at Felix prompting him not to mess with me, especially not tonight.

I am sure my voice sounded just as bitter as I wanted it too, a thrill ran through my body; seeing the hesitance and fear in the two grown men sitting across the table from me made me feel so powerful and so powerless all at the same time.

"Well I think the best place to start is the beginning, Sookie this is Eric, Eric Northman, My step brother"

Okay this time I was shocked, step brother? I was well aware that there was a less than lovely history between Eric Northman and I. I had even made assumptions about what that history could entitle, believe me I was expecting the worse, I didn't want to allow my optimism to put me in a weaker position than I had already found myself in. But I had not expected this to involve Felix in any way, so much for assumptions.

I didn't want to show my surprise, I didn't want either of them to think that they had an advantage over me for one second. I was attempting to keep my facial expressions as neutral as possible, but I knew that sooner or later tonight my poker face was going to fall.

I nodded my head for Felix to continue, he and Eric were everything but squirming in their seats now, at least I wasn't the only one feeling like crap.

"Eric and you were a couple Sookie…for quite a while"

At that point I turned my head to Eric, my mind by now was going a mile a minute; taking in what Felix had just said and using it to make new calculations, new assumptions, trying to reach the correct conclusion, trying to answer all the questions that had been lingering there, making way for a whole new swarm of questions, I was voracious by now.

"How long is quite a while?"

I didn't need to put effort into making my tone dead serious. I was already there.

This time Eric answered. His eyes caught mine but couldn't keep hold; he looked away avoiding my gaze by forcing his eyes to wander everywhere but where they really wanted to be.

"We were together for four years Sookie"

Just then did he look directly at me trying to gauge my reaction. This was only getting better. I reminded myself to breath, I kept reminding myself that any harm done had already been done, that the worst had passed but I just didn't remember it. But that defense tactic was slowly losing its credibility.

"We were together for four years, that is until last summer"

It's him. Oh God. It is him. Right then my mind couldn't help but wander back to the hospital room, the confusion, the fear, and the horror, the panic… the heartbreak. I was living it all over again, I was suffering, and my chest ached. I knew it. Underneath it all I knew it. This man was without a doubt the father of my child. The child I had lost.

I didn't know how much more I could hold myself together. I had this sudden urge to kick both men out of my home, run to the safety of my bed, and stay under the covers for as long as I needed, till I was ready to face all of this newly found information, maybe Felix was right, maybe I'm not ready.

But this was my child.

Right then I decided that weakness and self pity were no longer an option, I would hold out for as long as I needed to, I would not breakdown till I knew all there was to know, If not for myself, Then for my child.

I closed my eyes as if to pull all my thoughts together and took a deep breath; it was the only thing I could do to ground myself.

I was sure He was the father. I didn't need any affirmations, but I couldn't help looking at Felix searching his eyes for any signs to confirm the conclusion my mind had reached, Felix though was avoiding my eyes, he knew me too well. As messed up as my thoughts were, I knew what question I needed to be answered at this point, so without further hesitation, I looked at Eric and asked him with as little emotion as possible.

"So, if what you say is true, what took you so long to find me, I mean after the accident?"

What happened then was exactly what I expected, but still seeing it happen took me by surprise; the two men sitting across the table from me were squirming like toads, it almost made me giggle, then they began looking at each other as if inviting one another to take the heat, but I knew without a doubt that both these men had an ass chewing coming their way and that gave me more satisfaction than I could ever hope for. I don't know what had gotten into me but I felt like I was no longer the pawn any more, I felt like all the pieces of the puzzle that was my past were about to come together and I would no longer need to be under the mercy of Felix, Eric or any one. I was well on my way to being in control of my own personal life. At least I hope so. Eric then began talking pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Well, you and I were having issues and we parted with less than pleasant feelings between us"

He sighed heavily like he was tired, looking into his eyes now I could see that he really was tired, restless even, miserable. I kept thinking how our relationship was like, were we in love? Were we happy? What was it like to be with a man like Eric Northman? But soon enough those thoughts lead me to the obvious questions; what 'issues' were we having? How did it all end? Did he have any idea that I was carrying his child when we broke up?

I shifted my gaze to Felix, he had his head thrown back on the back of the couch and was staring up at the ceiling, waiting for this to end, well that just made two of us.

Eric started telling me about our relationship; starting from the day we met at his parents' place and the first time he came to visit me in Princeton University. He then skipped to the main events; the times we would take things to the next step, the day we went public with our relationship…..

I was listening to every word Eric had to say, observing all his expressions like my life depended on it. If you would see me you would think I was completely enthralled, I was, but not with Eric, but with the story he was telling me. I was trying so hard to see myself in this scenario, in these events. But I couldn't help feeling detached like this was the story of another woman. That feeling made me feel sorry for myself. I despised that feeling. It was foreign to me. No matter what had happened to me during these past months I never allowed myself to have a pity party, but this was different, this was sensitive, delicate, personal through and through. But I just felt…detached.

I noticed Eric was not so keen on the details, the reason behind that was completely lost on me. But I gave him my complete attention nonetheless. I was waiting for the 'big bad'. Whatever had come between us can't have been simple, I could tell that the tragic part of our story was coming up by his body language and by the way he would keep stealing glances at me to gauge my reaction…our story, that sounds…too personal for my taste.

"We were beginning to have problems". Pause. "We more or less lost the comfortable feel of our relationship" he sighed, I wanted him to elaborate, but I stayed silent and patient, I could tell this was no easy feat for him.

"It was my fault, I fucked up Sookie, I failed you!"

At that moment I turned away from him to look at Felix, for a minute there I had forgotten that he was in the room, I was so taken with Eric's words, but as soon as he said that the relationship had fallen apart because of him, I began to feel sorry for myself, again, not sorry for the woman he was talking of, but for myself. For the first time in a very long time I could relate to this, she was me, she is me, he hurt me. I needed to look at Felix at that moment. I needed something from him; strength, affirmation, love, I had no idea what I needed then, but I needed it so much. All of a sudden Felix left his seat and walked over towards me with so much understanding, it made me feel like it was okay to break down, he crouched down next to my chair and just hugged me. That was what I needed.

As Felix settled back in his seat I began to compose myself and I pushed away all thoughts of self pity and weakness, and directed all my focus to Eric, I could see the pain flashing in his eyes but at that moment I couldn't find it in me to feel any compassion or sympathy towards him, clearly each of us had their own burdens and sorrows and I was in no mood to carry his.

He then proceeded to tell me all about the final stage of our relationship; the way he pushed me away day by day, the way he gave up on us by being passive, by being emotionally absent. For the first time I was grateful that I had no memory of such events, that they could not hurt me as much as they would have had I any memory of all this.

Part of me, just part of me, felt sorry for Eric for being so incapable of commitment, for being so incapable of receiving any love, but all that sympathy went out the window the minute he told me about this Sophie bitch…clearly he wanted to give me, and I quote 'a clean break'. Pathetic.

"So let me get this straight Eric, you pushed me away and 'pretended' to get involved with another woman, to push me away because you loved me too much to be with me but you didn't have the balls to do it like a man would"

As soon as the words left my mouth I felt a sudden conflict; part of me regretted being so blunt and crude with him, because underneath it all I just didn't know him, and another part of me was more than happy with ripping him a new one because underneath it all and then some I was the woman in question.

You would think that the look of pain, regret and sorrow on his face would make me feel for him, sympathize with him or at least have a desire to take my words back, but the agony on his face just fueled my anger.

"Eric Northman, stop it, just stop it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are not entitled to, it's pathetic, demeaning and unattractive"

I took a deep breath and sighed.

"If you have said everything there is to say I would like you to leave, I have a new life now and I do not want you part of it, you wanted me to get a clean break and start fresh without you, well I have, so please leave"

Obviously I was on a role and nothing was stopping me, I was in charge now, I took charge of the situation, I was not a cruel bitch by nature but all this fire was coming from somewhere deep inside, and I had no intention of putting it out. This man had done enough damage and was simply no longer welcome in my life, I appreciate his honesty, but God knows maybe he thought that would give him points in my book, well too bad it didn't.

I had driven the knife deep into him, I could see it, but now I just wanted to twist it, I hope I would not regret this later…

"By the way Eric, we lost our baby"

Soooo?