Chapter 5

"…so I said that it didn't make it right, that one moment of selflessness didn't cancel out murder."

"Well. You're right about that." Robin allowed. He really hadn't expected their customary how-do-you-dos to lead into a debate about whether the imprisonment of the body necessarily led to the redemption of the soul.

"But that doesn't mean Buffy's wrong," he considered. "Look at it like this. Redemption is, partly, about suffering for your crimes, I admit. And prison definitely qualifies as suffering. But redemption's also about giving back: the attempt, even if it is a vain one, to even the karmic balance. Sure, you could apply for community service. But – and this sounds like the point Buffy was trying to make – you could do so much more for humanity if you're out of gaol. You're a Slayer after all, and you'd be depriving humanity of one of its greatest weapons against demons if you just let yourself waste away in prison. You proved that in Sunnydale."

"Oh, c'mon." Faith muttered. "I came here for some honest advice, not a pep talk–"

"Then start listening to what I'm saying," Wood said, and there was a new, angry edge to his voice now. "The question you should be asking yourself is, are you turning yourself in because it's the right thing to do, or because you're taking some kind of twisted revenge on yourself? At the end of the day, if you're truly sorry for what you did, you don't need a prison to cage you – you carry a prison around with you, in you, wherever you go, for the rest of your life. You, your guilt – that is all the prison you need."

–:::–

"Who the fuck are you?" Faith asked curiously. It had been some time since she had met a vampire that she couldn't stake in less than five minutes.

"Leicester," the vampire answered, not dropping his guard. "Leicester Cube."

"British?"

"English." Leicester replied. "You from Boston?"

"How the fuck could you know that, Rubix?"

"How many Slayers are there working with demons?" he asked, looking beyond her at Roxelana waiting in the shadows.

"Alright. What do you want?"

"I was thinking … some kind of stake-immunity?"

"Why would you want that? Looks to me like you've been managing fine so far."

"Yeah. About that. To be honest, I bumped into a Slayer a while ago and she's never let it go–"

"You want me to protect you from a Slayer?" Faith snorted. "Get real. I'm not betraying them for a demon."

"And there I thought working with demons meant you were smart enough to see there could be advantages doing business with us." Leicester smiled. "I wasn't suggesting you just protect me out of the kindness of your heart. I'll pay for your services."

That made Faith pause. She needed the money. She could even monitor the vampire to make sure he didn't feed on innocents. She said instead, "I'm a Slayer. We don't do stake-immunity."

"Well, what the hell is the blonde doing un-staked for then?" Leicester demanded.

"She earned it." Faith said.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"She feeds on animals' blood and criminals. She helps with the demon-killing." Faith paused. "Let's say the money makes up for not helping me put down bad demons."

"You want to control who I drink?" Leicester sounded amused.

"I prefer the word 'limit'. But whatever." Faith replied. "Deal or no deal?"

"Fine." Leicester snapped.

"There's something he isn't telling you." Roxelana spoke for the first time. "Why agree so quickly? Vampires as old as you don't like being told what to do, and won't do it. Unless they feel they have no choice."

Leicester hissed softly. "To think there would come a day when a vampire was a Slayer's bitch." He bared his teeth. "I didn't blow your cover, did I? You may change your hair and your dress, even your diet, but I know your face. Khurram. The cheerful one."

"Give me a break." Faith rolled her eyes. Let Leicester try to sow discontent between them. She had already made her peace with Roxelana's vampiric nature, and she didn't care to know Roxelana's past. Didn't know if she dared to. "What's the secret, Rubix? You said a Slayer was after you. Was that a lie?"

Leicester glared. "A Slayer, the Slayer. Is there a difference?"

"Buffy Summers wants you?" Faith asked, "And you think I can keep her away from you? What the fuck did you do?"

"Killed some people. You know how it is." He hesitated. "Are you saying you can't protect me?"

Faith just stared at him for a moment. "I said I'd do it, didn't I?" she said finally.

The vampire smiled, then vanished.

Roxelana came to stand beside Faith, who was still staring at the place where Leicester had been standing.

"He must be freakin' ancient if he can move that fast," Faith said quietly.

"You could have said no." Roxelana ignored her. "You know she's going to follow him here. Probably bring more Slayers with her too."

"I can handle it," Faith said. She fumbled a cigarette out of her pocket and lit up.

"Sure. But you don't have to if you don't want to."

"It'll be fine. Giles will've told her that Gigi– that Genevieve Savidge was just business. It won't be awkward."

–:::–

Her heart was smashing on her ribs, smashing in time with the music. Her nerves were fluttering in the almost-pain of untested hope, her footsteps paradoxically sure and unfaltering.

Buffy reached the bar, drawing up next to Faith. A club anthem raged around them, people screamed to be heard. But it felt like the silent moment of limbo before asking someone to prom.

Somehow the music made her steady, gave her strength. The music was her pulse, and without it she was nothing.

"Drink?" Faith mouthed, quirking up an eyebrow.

"God, yes." Buffy muttered.

God knew she'd tried to talk herself out of this. Out of these inconvenient feelings, inconvenient thoughts.

God knew she'd thought she'd managed it too.

Until she'd seen her again. Been set on fire again. Knocked speechless and without thought again. The strangest thing. And so inconvenient.

And thus to the club and the alcohol again. So much easier not to explain, so much easier not to talk. So much easier to just do. Maybe if we could just do it all over again … and I'll take it from there.

Yes. Let them both be half out of their minds again. Half out of her mind, she might be able to tell her then. Half out of her mind, the reply might not matter so much then. Half out of her mind, tears might be passed off as meaningless then.

A good, solid plan. Buffy congratulated herself.

The plan went swimmingly until Faith disappeared.

A pleasant routine had been established. Two shots and a mixer each, a song that made them rush to the dance floor, men pressing in on them, a blond man targeting Faith, and back to the bar, two shots each, then the song they requested came on, the blond man there again, and back to the bar, a mixer, five shots (suddenly the extortionate club prices had ceased to dismay), a return to the dance floor, and now the bartender was having trouble understanding what Buffy wanted and Faith had to point, then back into the writhing crowd, men pressing in on them, and Buffy didn't like how close the recurring blond man was dancing to Faith. That punk. And was Faith dancing with him?

And then Faith was gone.

The good, solid plan was ruined.

Buffy refused to believe it.

Faith could be in danger, she told herself. An intoxicated Slayer is a liability, to herself as well as to others.

I have to find her.

And then she wished she hadn't.

It had taken a couple of minutes, but when she realised Faith hadn't left the club it was only moments before she tracked her to the ladies' toilets.

Buffy crashed through the door.

A rhythmic thud, thud, thud.

A moaning that was all too familiar.

A man grunted.

Buffy registered the one 'occupied' toilet stall. The door shook slightly.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Buffy ran.

I can't hear this. I can't, I can't.

She caught sight of the condom dispenser as she made her exit. A superhuman fist had pummelled through the outer casing recently.

At least she's being safe.

But now even her own thoughts revolted her.

The door to the toilets almost flew off its hinges as she hurtled away. Mortified. Sickened.

She ran.

Her heart was smashing, smashing, smashed.

–:::–

A day later, the phone rang. Surprised, Faith dropped the map of the city sewer network that she had been studying and slouched over to pick up the receiver.

"Hey?" she said. No one ever rang the landline, except sometimes Giles or Angel. She tried hard not to let anyone know where she lived, and those who did never bothered with phone calls, just turned up on the doorstep.

"Faith?"

Faith would have known that tired voice anywhere. She heard it in her nightmares, and she had to fight to keep her voice steady when she replied.

"B, is that you?"

"Yeah." For a moment, a tense silence fell between them. But Buffy broke it before it could take root. "How are you?"

Faith almost laughed. There was so much unsaid between them, a how-are-you didn't even begin to scratch the surface. "I'm … good, I think. Just got back from vamp patrol."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You always used to be home this time of night." Faith could feel Buffy smiling into the phone.

"You mean morning. I can practically see dawn." Faith peeked through the window blinds at the horizon. "So," she tried to broach the subject casually, "any reason you called, or you just felt like a catch-up?"

"I guess a catch-up is in order … what's it been, nearly a year now?" since they had last fought. Faith cringed at the memory, but Buffy glossed over it. "Actually, I'm stopping nearby where you are. On business. But I thought we could meet up while I was in the area."

"Yeah." Faith was momentarily taken aback. "Yeah. That would be real good."

"Good," Buffy sighed. "I thought you might not want to see me."

"What?" this was the last thing Faith had expected to hear, and Buffy's diffidence made her bold. "B, are you kidding me? I'm the one who should be freakin' grovelling, I just assumed you'd hang up on me if I ever tried to call–"

"I was upset," Buffy said softly. Faith waited, but Buffy didn't elaborate.

"B," she said, because she could tell Buffy was biting back harsher words, "don't just let me off the hook like that. You have every right to be mad at me. Say what you wanna say, get it out."

There was silence, then, "Promise you won't hang up?"

"Sure." Faith heard a rush of air as Buffy let out the tense breath she had been holding, as she let everything out.

"I was so, so mad at you. And Giles. Giles because he didn't tell me – he cut me out – and you because, because you let him." Buffy paused to compose herself. "And you picked that Slayer, Genevieve Savidge, over me. She was going to murder me and you still picked her. You nearly killed me yourself! And there is no excuse for that. None. I don't care if you felt connected," she spat the word out, "did she freaking connect you back to your insanity? You betrayed me, Faith."

She stopped talking, done.

"Well. I didn't hang up." Faith said, but her voice was brittle, still digesting the strength of Buffy's hurt and anger.

"I didn't mean to yell at you." Buffy muttered. "I was going to try and avoid this whole topic."

"It's OK," said Faith softly. She wanted to apologise, but she remembered what had happened last time, and anyway she knew she didn't want to be forgiven. "I screw up even when I'm trying real hard not to. I – I know it doesn't help, but I never meant to hurt you, or betray you … and I was kinda hoping Giles would've explained it all 'cause I suck at explaining."

"I spoke to him a couple of days ago," Buffy admitted, "because I knew he'd have your number and know where you were. I don't know if things will ever be the same between him and me." She sighed.

"Giles is just handing out my address to people?" Faith feigned shock.

Buffy shrugged. "Well, I asked nicely. And a couple of times after that, less nicely. He had to cave eventually … why, was it supposed to be secret?" and now the faintest trace of worry had entered Buffy's voice, without her meaning it to, because the question she was really asking was, 'were you hiding from me?'

"Yeah, it was secret." Faith said obliviously. "I went underground, and I didn't want demons or friends or anyone to know where. I wanted to start over."

Buffy almost hung up the phone. But she remembered that Faith hadn't hung up on her, so she forced herself to listen, even though it hurt.

"But I want to see you." And suddenly listening was worth those few seconds' pain. "I miss you." Faith laughed suddenly. "Jeez, would you listen to me? I'm a wreck. I'm so sick of fighting. You'll come clubbing with me, won't you? You better not be all Slay, no play, I'm telling you now."

"Sure," Buffy grinned. "I'm staying with a couple of Slayers in the area, Chazza and Trudy. I'll ring you when I get there, OK?"

"Oh you'll love their house. It's got this real scenic view of the cemetery and everything," Faith smiled. "Not too far from the city centre either."

"You know them?" Buffy was startled.

"We hang from time to time," said Faith, too casually.

"They've never mentioned you. They were supposed to investigate reports of Slayer activity–" Faith almost heard Buffy's face slapping into her palm. "That was you, right?"

"As far as I know it's just the three of us. Soon to be four."

"And they haven't realised you're a Slayer? That you're you."

Faith chuckled. "Hey, just because you can't go anywhere without getting recognised anymore don't mean I can't. We can't all be Slayer celebrities, yo."

Buffy snorted. "I don't believe this. How much could you possibly have changed since the Wanted posters went up? Will I even be able to recognise you?"

"Wanted posters? Man am I badass." Faith smiled. "Does this mean you brief all your baby Slayers about me? Am I on the Slayer curriculum?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Alright, alright, don't go getting your hopes up. You get a brief mention before they get sent out into the field – y'know, in case they get teleported to a British mansion and find you trying to kill them."

"You're never gonna let me forget that, are you?" Faith said.

"What can I say, it's a classic." Buffy drawled.

–:::–

It came out halfway between a scream and a squeak, and it made Faith look at her strangely.

"You OK, B?" Faith tried and failed to keep the grin off her face.

"Just say it again." Buffy squeaked. She didn't even try to contain her delight. She was almost bouncing off the walls. She hadn't thought she would ever feel this incredible again. Not after That Night. It still made her sick to think about it.

"I'm not going back to gaol." Faith said. Buffy threw herself into Faith's arms.

A few minutes later and Buffy's voice was back to its normal pitch.

"So … why?" she was asking. And a little voice inside of her was whispering, because of you. Because you matter to her, because she cares about you. And she wanted so badly for it to be true. "What's with the big change of heart all of a sudden?"

"I guess I just thought about what you said." Faith said. "Sometimes you can be smart, y'know."

The squeaking started up again, in Buffy's head this time. Nooo way, is this, like, her way of saying I matter to her? And was that a compliment?

"And I talked to Robin about it a little. He always makes a lot of sense, and he was pretty much fully on your side, so…"

I think I love that man. The shopping trip debt is officially repaid.

"… I guess it's pretty much down to you." Faith was saying. "I'm staying because of you. Now you get to put up with me for a whole nother week." she grinned.

Hold up. One week? What?

"What's happening in a week?" Buffy asked.

"I'm going back to work." Faith said, as though it were obvious. "It's been good and all, but the world's still kinda in the shit, and besides that, I'm on the run. I hear Giles is making plans too, and I thought Red, X-man and you were gonna start getting your Slayer army into shape."

"Well, I – sure, but," Buffy wasn't sure what she had been expecting. Yes, there had been a general plan to start work soon. But it had never occurred to her that she and Faith would be going separate ways. The idea of her and Faith being separate no longer made sense. It was painful.

Painful. God, I'm in deep. It hurts to think about it. I can't just let this happen. Right? I have to say … something. Something. Not everything, not anything colossal or scary, just … something.

"Faith … do you ever think about us?" Buffy asked slowly. It was something.

She wanted to look at Faith's face, to read the reaction there. But she couldn't bring herself to meet those dark eyes.

"Yeah," said Faith softly.

Buffy's eyes snapped up to meet Faith's. She couldn't help it. "Really?" I'm pathetic.

"I try not to though," Faith smiled. "It's scary."

"What?"

"It scares me," Faith repeated, "It scares me how you feel about me."

Crap. Crap. Am I that obvious? Oh God. Why are you talking just about my feelings? Is it really not mutual?

Instead Buffy asked, "Why is it scary?" She was impressed at how together she sounded.

"I'm scared you think I used you." Faith said. "I'm scared you can't stand to be around me because of it."

She sought out Buffy's eyes now, because it was so crucial to her that Buffy understand how true her next words were. "But it wasn't like that. I didn't take advantage of you, I never would. I swear. I was just as drunk as you. I never wanted to hurt you, or for you to feel used."

"I – Faith –" Buffy struggled. "I know. I get it. I'm sorry if it looks like I've been avoiding you – I really haven't been trying to." Well, just a little. The whole toilet sex scenario was kinda … devastating.

Buffy didn't remember much of That Night. Just her throat all tight and strange as she raced away from the club. And found herself in a cemetery, burning angry-hot, then cold with shame that she could feel anything for someone who took the act of love and made of it something so base and vile. She remembered how the dead had risen all around her, and how stupid, because she had been drunk, so stupid, because she was alone. But then she was plunged into the adrenaline of battle and all her cares fell away, and how she had rejoiced in that cathartic violence! And then she went home, too tired to think, too tired to feel the fire and ice of her anger and her shame.

God, how she didn't want to remember That Night. And God, how stupid it was that even though she did remember, when she was with her she didn't care.

"Good." Faith smiled a little. "Had me worried, y'know."

Buffy snorted. "Not a word I associate with you much." Then, "It's getting kinda late and I said I'd go talk patrol schedules with Giles. I'd better head over there." She got to her feet, " 'Night."

"What, no goodnight kiss?" the look on Faith's face made it clear she was teasing, bursting with mischief.

Buffy answered with a smirk of her own. "What was I thinking, leaving you without a goodnight kiss?"

But instead of moving off, she dipped down and planted a soft kiss on Faith's mouth. And then away, like lightning, curious for Faith's reaction. More than curious.

If she hadn't been so fast, she would have missed the moment of total stillness, the only sign Faith gave of being surprised. Then the smirk, frozen on Faith's face, became genuine again.

" 'Night, B. Didn't know you had that in you," and Buffy knew she was safe. Because Faith was clearly delighted.

Time to push the advantage. While I'm still on this high.

"Hey, you wanna go out tomorrow night, to a club or something?" Buffy asked.

"Can't, B, sorry." Faith said, "I'm going out with Angel tomorrow night."

"What?" Buffy spluttered.

Faith must have caught the strangled note in her voice, because she looked back at Buffy, an eyebrow raised. "To slay demons," she clarified with a little smile. "You didn't really think–?" she paused, serious now, "B, it would never happen. Me and Angel would never – what I mean is, it's always been you. You're the only one who's ever mattered, B. You can't be replaced. You know that, right?"

Buffy stared at her, her mouth hanging slightly open. Words faltered, faded on her tongue. She couldn't speak. Her mind raced.

Oh my God. Did she just–? No freaking way. She really feels the same way. Oh my God. How did she just say it? Why didn't I just do that? Just like that. Kinda romantic too, how she said I'm the only one who's ever mattered–

"To Angel, you'll always be the one. And as for me, I won't – I couldn't – ever try it with him. I know I don't have a good track record, but you gotta trust me on this, B. I'm not that person anymore."

"Huh?" Buffy managed weakly.