Chapter 6

Buffy took a moment to compose herself, then pushed open the door and walked into Starbucks, to the table Faith was sitting at.

Buffy wasn't sure what exactly to expect. The conversation they'd had on the phone had seemed almost too good to be true. The lack of mixed signals and confrontational attitude still had Buffy reeling.

Buffy wasn't sure what exactly to expect from herself either. Until she saw Faith seated, leather-clad as always, at the table. She couldn't help but sigh a little. It just isn't the same in dreams. And then her gaze slid back up Faith's body and she noticed the new lines on her face. Wish I could just smooth those away. God, I'm so far gone. She sighed again.

So when Faith stood up to greet her, Buffy stepped numbly into her arms, just glad that they were still in truce mode.

"Sorry I'm late," Buffy found herself saying, and couldn't believe she was apologising to Faith. Just like that, like nothing's changed, like she didn't nearly kill me less than a year ago. Dammit. It must be the close proximity. God, I've missed her.

"It's cool, the city won't go to hell for another hour at least." Faith grinned. "Hey, let me get you a coffee. Cappuccino?"

"Please." Buffy sat down as Faith went to the counter. It isn't going. It isn't going away. Why isn't this going away? Why does it still feel so right? Why do I still feel anything?

Faith sat down opposite and handed Buffy a steaming mug. Buffy blinked away her impossible thoughts and tried to focus on the now.

"I never thought you'd come back to Cleveland." She said, taking a sip of coffee. "It isn't really a fresh start for you."

"Hellmouth needs attention," Faith replied, shrugging.

"How's that going?" Trying to hide the obsessive need to know everything about Faith behind a façade of polite interest had never been easy.

But Faith didn't seem to notice. Maybe she was too busy picking the words of her reply.

"I think I might finally be getting somewhere with it," Faith said slowly. "Finally getting a handle on the demons here."

"Giles said you ring him up and talk finance." Buffy said helpfully.

"Yeah," Faith allowed herself a little smile. "I guess it started small, but now … feels like I'm operating some kind of company sometimes. We got so huge so fast."

"Company?"

"Nothing like what you got going on," Faith assured her. "I mean size-wise. We're only sixty-strong or something."

Hearing Faith talk openly, even if it was just about the mundane business of Slaying, made Buffy less nervous about bringing up That Other Thing she wanted to talk about. Needed to talk about.

She waited for a natural pause in the conversation, then breathed deeply, and took the plunge.

"Look, I didn't bring Satsu."

"Huh?" Faith raised an eyebrow. "Hey, food may be the way to my heart, but you didn't need to bring any to get me to talk to you, B. I'll do that for free. What's satsu anyway? Some kind of Chinese dish?"

"What?" Something like shock and outrage and hurt that Faith really had no idea exploded out of her, "Satsu isn't food! She's a Japanese Slayer!" Buffy tried to collect herself. "Are you telling me you don't know?"

"Jeez, I'm sorry, B," said Faith, "I'm not good on the difference between Japanese and Chinese names–"

"That's not what I meant. I meant, did you really not know about Satsu?"

"C'mon, B, there's hundreds of Slayers now, I can't keep track of all their names, I don't even work with them–"

"No," said Buffy, steeling herself against what she was going to say, against how Faith would react, "I mean don't you know about Satsu – and me?"

"Oh my God," Faith managed.

Buffy sighed. Finally. A reaction I was expecting. Something I can deal with.

"Way to go, B! Man, I bet the Japs are freakin' wild in bed, what with the whole repressive society thing going on … And it must be awesome with another Slayer. She'll totally get you on a whole other level. The connection you guys have must be freakin' out of this world! I want all the dirty details, B!"

"Faith, just stop talking for a second." Breathe in, breathe out. Buffy hesitated. "I thought–" she knew she owed it to herself to explain everything to Faith. Why did it have to get so goddamn awkward? "I thought you left Giles and went solo because you found out about Satsu and me. I thought that was why you didn't keep in contact."

"Nah, B, me leaving Giles and the team needed to happen, y'know? I just wasn't satisfied–" she frowned suddenly, looking at Buffy, reading her more clearly than Buffy had known she could, "Shit," she said, "this isn't about why I left, is it? It's about why I didn't call. God, I'm sorry, B. I swear if I'd known it mattered to you–"

"It's fine," Buffy muttered.

"No, it ain't." Faith laid a hand on her shoulder. "I swear I'll call you up from now on, once a week, don't matter where the hell I am, I'll do it."

"Thanks, I – I was just worried about you," Buffy said. But a call wasn't enough. She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Faith, I – I want to talk about us."

"B," said Faith gently, "It's alright. I was just messing when I said to tell me all the dirty details. I know you don't do and tell. We don't have to talk about Satsu and you."

Buffy almost screamed in frustration, but Faith had already started talking again.

"Look, B, I care about you. You know that, right?" Faith grinned, "And I'm real glad you're happy with this Japanese kid. I always knew you'd find your perfect person."

I've found my perfect person. It's just not Satsu. Buffy thought. How could you not know?

"C'mon," said Faith, "Let's get out of here, it's nearly sunset and I have the best view from the roof of my flat. And besides, I want you to meet my partner."

Buffy froze. "Partner as in business, right?" she managed to say, when her heart had started beating again.

"That would be one area we're partners in," Faith smirked.

Buffy did her best to ignore her sinking heart and followed Faith.

–:::–

"Meet Roxy," Faith said with a smile.

"A pleasure," said Roxelana cheerfully, extending her hand to Buffy. Buffy just stared.

"She's a vampire, Faith." She realised as she said it how stupid the statement was. Of course Faith knew.

"Yeah," Roxelana agreed, flicking a glance at Faith. "And you're the original Slayer." She withdrew her hand. "How're you finding the city?"

"I only got here this morning," said Buffy uneasily. "I haven't had time to find much. So do you have a soul or something?"

"B," said Faith, a note of warning in her voice, "Drop it."

"Answer the question." Buffy said coldly, angry that Faith was angry.

"Roxy is soulless." Faith said, "Happy? I'm getting a beer. Who wants a drink?" Buffy just glared at her.

Roxelana squeezed Faith's arm gently to get her attention. "Three beers would be nice, I think," she said.

"Alright," said Faith, tearing her eyes away from Buffy. "Play nice."

"So what's Faith told you about me?" asked Roxelana, deciding not to let the silence get too hostile.

Buffy took a deep, calming breath and released it slowly.

"She said you were her partner." Even remembering this was painful.

Roxelana smiled. "That was sweet of her."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Buffy demanded.

Roxelana shrugged, "She's the boss, there's no partners about it. Assuming she was talking about business."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You don't love her."

"No. But it's a mutual non-love."

Buffy frowned. "I don't know why she trusts you."

"I'm not sure she does entirely," Roxelana replied, "but she's got me under her thumb for the moment, so trust really isn't an issue."

"Are you saying she has some kind of power of you?"

"Of sorts."

"What the hell kind of power are you talking about?" And why don't I have it? Why have I never heard of it?

"It isn't like magic, if that's what you're thinking." Roxelana said. "Non-love is tricky territory, and at the moment, Faith knows her way around it a damn sight better than I do."

"What?"

"We aren't in love. Love is dying so your loved one doesn't have to. Isn't it? We don't have that. We have sex that is so good I tingle just looking at her, and I want her so badly that I can't even entertain the thought of killing her."

"That is so twisted."

"Sorry."

Faith came back in. "Why the apology, Roxy?"

Roxelana accepted the Budweiser and made room for Faith to sit on the couch beside her.

"I was just telling Buffy I can't kill you because I'm a sucker for good sex. She thinks that's kind of psychotic."

"Only kinda?" Faith laughed. "It's also bullshit. You can get good sex from other people, so that ain't what's stopping you."

"What the hell kind of relationship is this?" demanded Buffy, not quite believing that she was hearing this conversation.

"An open one," Faith said.

"She's a demon! What are you wasting your time on her for?"

Faith felt Roxelana's hand on her arm, restraining her anger.

"The Slayer's just jealous. Don't let her get to you."

"Roxy, can you give us a minute?"

"Sure, baby," Roxelana planted a kiss on Faith's cheek, then made her exit.

Faith turned to Buffy.

"What the fuck is going on with you?" Faith asked, voice calm. "Why do you keep starting on Roxy? What is this really about?"

"She's a vampire. Without a soul. You know that's dangerous. I don't want to see you get hurt, Faith." She paused. "I don't want to watch you make my mistakes."

"B. I'm a Slayer. Vampires without souls are my business, I'm good at it. That ain't what's got you so pissed off. What I asked was, what is this really about?"

"God, I don't know!" Buffy said, "I've just wanted to talk to you for so long and then I get here and you already have someone in your life who you tell everything to. You don't need me."

"B, when did I ever need you?" if she hadn't said it so tenderly, Buffy would have been offended. Instead, for an instant, the truth was on the tip of her tongue.

"In LA." Faith was silenced. "I'm sorry. I know what we agreed. I just – I can't stop thinking about us, missing us."

"You're with Satsu, B. Don't say this shit. Don't cheapen what you have with her–"

"I'm not with Satsu, Faith. I broke it off with her, because I know all I was doing was trying to make-believe it was you there with me."

"Damn, B." Faith sighed. "You are one crazy chick. I wish you'd told me all this shit back in LA. I would've tried the you-and-me thing back then. You know I can't now."

"Why not?" she asked desperately. "What's so different now?"

"B, I'm done with ideals. I don't know if I ever went around hoping I'd fall in love, get married and live happily ever after, but I sure as hell don't now. I don't want any of that now." Faith took Buffy's hand in hers, "I'm all business now. I have to be, or I'll never fix this city, I'll just end up dead."

"For someone who's all business you manage to spend a lot of time with Roxy," said Buffy bitterly. "Why not cut her out and spend that time with me?"

"B. Get real." Faith said softly, "What Roxy and me have, it can't even be called a relationship. It's just sex and – and –" Faith searched for the word, "insanity. And I know you would never be happy with that."

"Maybe I could be," Buffy whispered.

"I know you, B. It would never just be sex to you. You're the kind of person who needs a relationship, and I can't give you that."

"But you want to?"

"Jeez, B, you just can't leave it alone, can you?" Faith chuckled, "You wouldn't be here if you thought I wasn't interested. Let's be honest for once. I'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me. You know it and I know it. But it would never work."

Just to hear Faith say it took all the breath out of her body. For a few seconds Buffy just gasped to get it back.

"It worked in LA." she managed to say, "and everything that happened in Sunny Dale, and with Genevieve Savidge – it's behind us now, right?"

"I don't think it'll ever be behind us, B," said Faith slowly, "it's a part of us, a part that's made us stronger."

"This was a mistake," said Buffy suddenly, defeated. "God. I'm such a dumbass for bringing this up."

Buffy was up and opening the door before she'd even finished speaking, and Faith was on her feet and rushing after her.

"Whoa, B! Hold up," she called, following Buffy as she made her way up the stairs to the roof.

"B, you're not a dumbass." said Faith when she had caught up to her. Buffy was standing at the edge of the roof, staring out at the sun as it set over the city. "Well, sometimes. But mostly not." She chuckled, but Buffy didn't smile.

"I just care about you. I just want to be a part of your life. I want you to love me instead of Roxy."

"C'mon, B. Don't make me say this twice. We aren't in a relationship, Roxy and me. There's no love."

"No. You have non-love."

"What?" Faith frowned. "What the hell are you talking about? Is that even a word?"

"No! I don't know–" Buffy sighed. "It's what you feel when you have sex with someone you don't love. When you're just having sex because it's good, and so good you don't want to stop seeing them. It isn't love, but it isn't nothing either."

"Yeah. I guess we have that."

"God, Faith, we had that!" Buffy burst out, "but that's just the start. It turns into love, don't you see? The sex is only so good because you're both trying to make it good. Which means you care. Only about the sex to start with, sure, but then about the person you're having it with. You'll end up in love with each other. Maybe you already are."

"You're not thinking straight, B. You know me. Love isn't in my genes."

"Then why don't you just walk away from her? If you still can."

"B, I think you better go now." Faith said, and Buffy knew she'd struck a nerve.

"Sure." She started walking away. Then, abruptly, stopped. "Hey," she said, her voice trembling and her eyes unfocused, like she'd discovered the meaning of life, "Hey. She has blonde hair."

"What the fuck, B?" asked Faith, exasperated. She saw the radiant look on Buffy's face. "Are you shitting me? You seriously think–"

"She's blonde, Faith." Buffy repeated.

"There's only so many hair colours, B! Don't do this."

"I'm blonde. She's blonde." Buffy grinned now. "See you around, Faith."

–:::–

"You know there's always a place for you here in LA–"

"C'mon, big guy. Don't get all weepy on me." Faith joked. "Can't give a girl a bike and expect her to stay put."

"Who's getting weepy?" Angel retorted. "Maybe I got you the motorcycle because I wanted you to go, ever think of that?"

"There I thought you were getting soft in your old age," Faith teased. "First with the presents, then with the sappy speech, it's gonna be hugs next–"

"Hey, there will be no hugs!" Angel said defensively. "And even if there were, they wouldn't be for you. Hug-hater."

Buffy heard Faith's laugh and knew the smirking amusement that must be playing across her face as if she could see her. But none of this mattered.

Faith hates hugs? I don't even get to hug her? No touching at all?

The ugly truth.

I've never seen her hug anyone. She really hates hugs. What the hell do I–

"Buffy."

And suddenly it was her turn to say goodbye.

"I–" what to say? What to do? "Write me, OK?" Buffy said weakly.

Faith snorted. Buffy sighed. It had always been a faint hope. "If you write me first." Faith said, and it was better than an outright 'no'.

Say something light, something funny. "Be careful, OK?" Crap. "I can't save your ass when I don't know where you are."

It made Faith smile a little. It was enough.

"I'll see you around, B."

"You better."

It was better than 'goodbye'.

Faith walked past her. And I just let her. Why am I so … why do I always just … let her. Everything, always on her terms. Because I let them be. I hate this doormat feeling.

Against her will, Buffy turned and watched Faith walk out of the Hyperion. Watched through the clear-glass doors as she lifted the helmet off her motorcycle.

"Faith!"

Buffy almost believed it was her own voice, calling out to her to stay. It wasn't.

It was Robin Wood.

Faith's face wasn't suited to surprise, so it would be a mistake to say her jaw dropped. It just sagged a little.

"Don't tell me you were gonna leave without saying bye to me?"

"Hey, I – they let you out already?" Faith didn't know how to combine indignation and shock. Couldn't maintain them against the overwhelming feeling of delight. "Came to see me off, huh, Woody? Missing me already?"

"Couldn't miss the image of you riding heroically into the unknown, Buzz." Wood grinned. Because her delight was infectious. "Any idea where you're headed?"

"Infinity and beyond," Faith replied. "You have my cell. Any ass-kicking you need help with, I'm there."

Wood nodded. "Guess I'll be seeing you at the next apocalypse then."

He took a step forward – he's in her personal space! Buffy's mind screamed – and hugged Faith.

"You can hug me back," Wood was saying, his voice penetrating Buffy's self-induced shock. "Not that you have to or anything, but three words spring to mind. The first is defensive. The second is isolationist. The third is cra–"

"Blackmail much!" Faith spluttered through her laughter. But it made her curl her arms around his waist.

"See how cuddly I am. In a big, manly bear sorta way."

"Just like a man-sized teddy-bear." Faith agreed. "Now take back your cruel words. You just surprised me is all."

Wood stepped away. "Hey," he said. "If blackmail gets me what I want, you better get used to the cruelty." Then a little of the humour left his eyes. "I was your lover, and I'm your friend. You don't walk away from me without a hug."

Dazed, Buffy didn't so much hear the roar of the engine as Faith started up her motorcycle.

Teddy-bear: one, doormat: zero. God.

Why couldn't I – Why couldn't I just hug her?

–:::–

Faith entered the flat. Roxelana was glad to see she was alone.

"Gone home?" she asked, closing the distance between them.

Faith nodded mutely, and a second later found herself on her back on the couch, Roxelana on top of her, their lips an inch apart.

Easily as fast as Rubix. Maybe she really is five hundred years old, Faith thought absentmindedly. Time to spoil the moment. Damn.

"Roxy, I think we should stop seeing each other," she muttered.

Roxelana stopped, her hand lingering on the hem of Faith's shirt. "So close your eyes," she said.

Faith smiled involuntarily. "I want it to be that simple, Roxy. But I'm not sure it is."

"She really got into your head, didn't she?" Roxy murmured, stroking a strand of hair away from Faith's face. "What we have isn't complicated. Don't let her make you think it is."

"But she makes sense, Roxy," said Faith seriously. "What the fuck exactly do you think we have?"

"Sex." Roxelana paused. "Is this a trick question?"

"If all it is is sex," said Faith slowly, "why do we bother making each other feel good? Why do we bother with foreplay? Why aren't we just doing it, if that's all we want from each other? Does this mean–" she swallowed, feeling very uncomfortable, "does this mean it's more than sex?"

"You're getting carried away," said Roxelana easily, " 'Bothering' and 'caring' don't mean the same thing. Yeah, I bother to make sure you have a good time. Because it makes for good sex, not because I give a damn. And because I get back everything I give you. And that makes for a happy vampire, let me tell you."

Faith let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding and sank back into the couch in relief. "Thank God."

"Don't get all religious on me," Roxelana sighed. Faith grinned, then leaned forward and cupped Roxelana's face in her hands.

"That's really all I mean to you." She couldn't stop smiling. "You are freakin' perfect, y'know that? What the hell did I do to deserve you?"

Roxelana thought Faith was going to kiss her, but she didn't. She pulled her down into a hug instead.