Authors' Note: Hi guys, another speed update! :DD Hope you guys enjoy the crack ;) Although, we're being a bit mean to Juliet, and Benny in particular...
Thousands of miles away, under the sea, Benvolio was watching worriedly as his best friend giggled and twirled about.
"Your highness, are you sure that was the right medicine?" he asked anxiously.
Lady Montague looked equally worried about her son. Or as worried as she could be, in the state she was in. "I'm... hic... quite sure..." she dove downwards tipsily, placed her mouth over the neck of the bottle jammed on a coral stand and took another gulp of beer. Somehow sucking the liquid from the bottom of the bottle. But then again, this was under the sea so fluid mechanics probably worked differently down here.
Benvolio winced as stray drops of beer diffused through the water. "Milady, perhaps you should not drink underwater. Perhaps you should not drink at all?" he asked tentatively.
"Nugh!" Lady Montague flailed wildly, Benvolio having to back off to avoid the flapping flippers and thrashing tail. "Ah need mah drink, so **** off, yah niggah! Preparh...hic... perhpare for teh...teh Concert or somthfink!"
"Of... of course, milady," Benvolio said, more worried than ever. He tried not to think about how there might have been a heriditary reason behind Romeo's...rationality defects (if he wasn't mistaken he didn't think Lady Montague even paused in her drinking habits when she was pregnant with Prince Romeo) and focused on other things, such as the state of the sea. Really, the undersea world was getting more unwell by the day. Next thing he knew, talking monkeys would grow gills and invade the kingdom! Or worse, band together with those awful sharks! And instead of checking over their defenses the kingdom was preparing for their inaugural Concert- he'd have to perform, of course, as a relative of the Royal Family, but he'll have to decide his item later. There were loads of more important things to think about, like the monkies and the sharks- what if they teamed up with Genies-
...maybe he should see a doctor too.
But what if all the doctors were sick too? What kind of sickness was this anyway? All the mermaids had it, they were all fainting and coming down with strange eye diseases that caused them to blink uncontrollably? What if he had it too? Oh no, should he start stocking up medicine? The last time he checked his medicine cupboard was two days ago! What if some of the pills had expired? What if, what if, what if...
In the meantime, our dolphin prince had taken advantage of the lack of supervision to swim off to his favourite destination these days: the Island of Incredible Idiocy and Imminent Insanity, as his dear sweet purple-eyed land octopus seemed to have named it. She was having quite the penchant for alliteration these days. Why, she had called him Dumb Dopey Dolphin of the Derpish Depths the last time he visited! Such a sweet name! Maybe he should think of one for her...
The Stupid Sun of Suffocating Sunburn was showing its face today. It made Juliet so mad.
"Come on, Sun, give me a break! I already thought up of an alliterating name for you! What more do you want?" Juliet shouted at the fireball in the sky, shielding her eyes from the glaring sunlight- but of course, the sun didn't answer.
Juliet stopped and thought that her shouting was actually quite mad.
She probably was going mad over here.
Maybe it was the fact that she still had no proper food- and no, grass and half-rotten coconuts she found lying on the beach and dirty fruits she found further inland did not count.
And then a familiar Splash of Stupidity and Superfluous Stimulation Subtended by Silly Squeaks reached her ears. She groaned.
"What, you Moronic Measly Marine Mammal!"
Sure enough, the dolphin was back.
It spun around in a circle and let out another moronic squeak.
"Have you finally decided to bring me some Fish Food of Freshness? I've run out of pelicans and coconuts to eat, and NO WAY am I going back into the Cellar of Certain Crazy. I went in again last night - guess what, I ended up in some freaky place with creeps wearing black cloaks and shooting coloured lights at each other while yelling "Abracadabra" or "Spellianus" or something! And god, what was with the creepy masks and gangster tattoos?"
It spun around in a circle and let out another moronic squeak.
"Do you even understand me, you Loathsome Lily-Livered Lingering Loafer? Why am I even alliterating?"
It spun around in a circle and-
"STOP DOING THAT!"
It squeaked twice, and then twirled three times and sprayed water at her. She could swear it was laughing.
Juliet picked up the husk of a coconut and was prepared to throw it at the stupid thing's head when the water started bubbling. The dolphin squeaked, almost indignantly. And then there was a splash and...a head surfaced?
"Romeo!" The Random Swimming Guy - gosh, he was kinda hot - said empathically. "Please don't go running off! And-" He turned around, eyes (green like the sea) catching sight of Juliet. Not really knowing what else to do, she decided to give in to the possible hallucination and waved. The Random Swimming Guy let out a gasp. The dolphin let out a squeak of joy and began dragging the guy towards her, clicking frantically- Juliet saw a gleaming fish tail as the guy thrashed against the dolphin's grasp.
Oh, mermaid. Oh- mermaid! It was a real live mermaid!
"-and definitely don't associate with humans, Prince Romeo! It's dangerous for you!"
"I'm not dangerous, you Mindless Mumbling Mermaid!" Juliet snapped.
"I'M NOT A MERMAID!" Random Swimming Guy- which she now knew to be a Mermaid (definitely explained his random presence in the ocean) wailed. "THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU HUMANS! I'M A MERMAN, DAMMIT, A MERMAN!"
Ditzy Dolphin of Definite Downe Syndrome nudged him comfortingly.
"Go away, Romeo! You don't understand either!" Random Swimming Merman swatted at the dolphin's nose, causing the poor thing to squeal and back away in obvious depression, complete with rainclouds.
"HEY!"Did he just scream at her dolphin! Nobody does that but her! "Don't scream at him, he was just trying to help!" she yelled protectively, jumping to her feet and pointing her very impressive, improvised pickaxe at Random Swimming Merman. Nobody yelled at her dolphin! Nobody!
"Fine!" Random Swimming Merman cried, and dove back underwater. A flip of a green tail, and he was gone.
Oh dear. Juliet felt really bad now. She could have sworn Random Swimming Merman was almost in tears when he left.
Hoping for a distraction, she turned to the dolphin - Romeo, was it? "Hey, uh, you okay?"
The dolphin didn't make a sound, and was instead staring at her with really, reeeeaaally wide eyes.
She was getting a bit uncomfortable. "Don't stare at me like that! Did that jerk hurt you?"
The dolphin didn't make a sound or even a splash in response. Instead, it swam closer to her, slowly - slowly! Oh, no, was something wrong?
...Wait. She recognised that look in its eyes now.
It was a look of complete and total adoration.
If Romeo the dolphin had arms, she swore he would be glomping her by now.
"Aw, I guess you're a bit of a cutie after all..." Juliet waded out into the shallows, patting Romeo on the head, and he nuzzled her leg in return.
Pretty octopus looooooooooooves me...
While Romeo and Juliet commenced their days of much fluff and love, Benvolio wallowed in angst and the deepest darkest parts of the ocean, where large gaping chasms served as physical metaphors of the howling abyss of his lonely soul. Weeping and writing dark poetry, he might have lived out his whole life alone - if not for the fact he grew worried about the fate of his kingdom and its very diseased citizens after an afternoon down there.
But... he just couldn't face them! Oh the insensitive creatures, having no consideration for a poor teenage merboy's feelings!
Singing extremely emotional songs, he swam further away - but out of the darkness. If he stayed down there anymore he might forget what light looked like, and he'd rather stay sane.
In the middle of an off-key, depressing rendition of Bad Day, a sudden splash distracted Benvolio. He looked up and - was that an equestrian? I mean, a horse? In the water?
The poor thing was drowning!
Gathering all the strength in his tail, he propelled himself upwards to the horse. It was panicking, wide brown eyes full of fear as it thrashed wildly.
"Shush, young land-hippocampi;" Benvolio called soothingly, swimming nearer - his heart raced. "Think of sea- um, no, land-grass, mama horse, wide not-under-sea-plains..."
He tried to support the horse and bring it up to the surface before it suffocated, but the horse - no, pony; it was too small to be a horse, he realised now - panicked more and thrashed even more wildly.
Dammit- Ouch! It kicked him in the face!
Clearing his throat and leaning back to avoid the thrashing limbs of the pony, Benvolio nervously hummed a lullaby. The pony began to calm down, and he leaned in closer, gently stroking the pony's mane with one hand while the other tried to drag it towards the surface. Dammit, the horse was heavy!
It seemed like an eternity before they broke through the sea foam, and Benvolio worked hard to keep the pony's head above the water. He looked around wildly for some rock or something for the pony to clamber onto, because his strength was starting to fail him. Nearby he spotted a great big ship- with a pirate's emblem on the flag- and a longboat rowing towards him.
Panic stabbed through him. Benvolio had heard so many tales of merpeople being captured and killed -or worse, sold into a life away from the sea- by humans, most of them pirates. The horse struggled as he subconsciously tightened his grip- to distract himself, he tried to think of something, anything, land animals, more ponies, lions or something-
"Argghh, thank 'ee, good sailor, that be me darlin' pony."
The human that pulled up to him in the little wooden dinghy had the most intimidating eyes he had ever seen.
Her voice was husky, a refreshing change from the high falsettos of most of the mermaid population. A cascade of wild dark curls made her tanned face seem even more bronzed, and with her strong jaw and piercing eyes-
-very, very intimidating. Heck, those eyes seemed to be dissecting him and figuring out exactly how to slice him and dice him and have him for dinner -
-wait a minute, was he getting scared?
"Thanks fer' savin' me pony- what'cha doing in the middle of te ocean, lad?" The female pirate said curiously, reaching out to help the pony on board. Her fingers brushed Benvolio's as she hauled the pony onto the longboat; they were rough and calloused, but they were unusually gentle. The pony did not protest, leaning against the pirate and whinnying appreciatively. However, she was still staring at him- suddenly, Benvolio felt extremely self-conscious.
"Ye need a ship? I'd be happy ta give a good lad as you a job on board."
"Uh... I..." Those eyes were really intimidating. "The pony's yours?" he blurted out. "Why would you need ponies? You're a seafarer!"
He realized too late that it was a totally inconsiderate line. The woman - girl, really - was offended, but Benvolio didn't think that slapping himself would help the situation. As much as he wanted to do just that. "Twinkle Toes is pretty and valuable - which is what pirates like. Now, ye coming on board, me hearty?" She playfully slapped the pony on the rump, and with a grunt it shifted to the side to make room.
The empty spot on the ship was very tempting. However Benvolio caught himself in time, telling himself firmly that he had a fishtail and she did not, and would probably not like people with fishtails. Trying to keep the disappointment (and the shock at his disappointment, did he not hate humans before this like all the other merpeople?) off his face, Benvolio sank further back into the water. "Uh... no thanks. I'll... find me another ship?"
The girl looked at him and frowned disapprovingly (Benvolio blushed as he realised he was following the soft curve of her thin, pale lips). "Good boy, aren't ya? Hmph, the Rainbow Starship ain't got any need fer sissies such as yerself," she declared, flipping her - gorgeous - dark curls over her shoulder. Benvolio's blush-wait, he had a blush?- deepened as he realised her loose jerkey bared her collar bones and a bit of her shoulder - which was very well-defined.
The girl slipped her oars back into the water and began rowing the pony and herself back to the nearby pirate ship. Benvolio could hear the crew of stereotypically burly men calling to her from the deck. Realizing that the girl probably had herself a boyfriend or something from amongst that crew, and he had no business interfering, Benvolio began to turn to swim away- but then again, he also realized that the pirate seemed to be taking a lot of effort rowing the boat back-
"Soft, good lady!"
Dammit, he was begining to be as impulsive as Romeo. Maybe he really should see a doctor when he got back...
The girl looked at him oddly. "Yer talkin' to me?"
"Um... yes?"
She licked her lips and cracked a half-smirk, faintly surprised. "Well I never, ain't ever had anyone call me a lady before."
"Well, I think you're good enough to be one," Benvolio said before he could control himself. (He conveniently forgot that he called all females 'ladies',whether they deserved it or not.) "What is your name, lady?"
She stood up, planting one foot precariously on the rim of the longboat and bending down towards Benvolio. The boat rocked a little, its front end dipping a bit and bringing her face closer to his."I, be Captain Rosaline," she drew herself to her full height suddenly, whipping around to brandish a hand towards the nearby pirate ship - the pony ducked its head to avoid her wild swing, squealing, "o' the Rainbow Starship, tha' beauty righ' over there!" she declared, gesturing proudly. The crew clapped and cheered from the ship.
"Rosaline," Benvolio murmured. "A beautiful name for a beautiful lady."
...oh, dear Neptune. What was wrong with him?
Rosaline raised an eyebrow. "An' ye, young lad, be a very good flirt." She smirked widely, eyes amused and vaguely challenging. "So long, sailor. Good luck on findin' a ship. Oh, and many thanks fer savin' Twinkle Toes here," she added.
So saying, she sat back and continued rowing the longboat back to her ship - when Benvolio darted forward.
"My lady Rosaline, pray do not, um, tire...yourself..." Realizing with a growing sense of horror what was coming out of his own mouth, his original loud declaration dwindled off into his usual soft-spoken whisper at the end, as he swum up to the side of the boat (making sure to keep his tail concealed underneath the waves).
"What?" Rosaline snapped crabbily. "How else am I to get back to my shi- what are ye doin', lad?"
"Um... pushing you along?" Benvolio said uncomfortably, realising what danger he had put himself in.
...Oh dear. He was such a hypocrite. Romeo would be so angry. Or just hurt.
"Well, those are some strong legs ye got there, me hearty."
"Uh, thanks?"
If only she knew.
But then again, if she knew she might decide to slice and dice him for dinner, so she couldn't know.
He tried not to think about all the possibilities he would have if what was under the water were really just a pair of legs.