Everybody Loves Tsuna
Of Stalkers and Sleepless Nights
"I am going to die…" Tsuna spoke out meekly, looking out a window that remained his only shield from the wolves of the outside world, ready to tear him down, devour his heart and smother him in chocolate syrup while feeding him marshmallows from their fingers.
"Stop being such a pessimist, all you have to do is avoid any human contact within a few miles and you should remain in one piece with your virginity still in tact" Reborn comforted…in the worst way possible.
Tsuna gulped, he had resorted to barring his door with fifty kinds of locks and was investing in security cameras and alarms. It turned out Bianchi was getting smart, and had managed to slip him a super strong sleeping pill a few nights prior.
He had woken up the next morning, smothered in something that resembled blue berry pie, and had so many bite marks on his body you would have thought he had dived into a tank filled with a hundred piranha. He had been stripped naked and had his entire pelvis decorated with poison ivy dripped in chocolate. Bianchi was lying next to him, and had just finished tattooing what appeared to be a gothic painting onto his chest.
Tsuna fainted on the spot and was now seeing a therapist as well as a lawyer.
The good news, the tattoo was removed, bad news, he now had a scar that looked like someone had plunged a knife made of lava through his body. Seriously, he didn't get this wounded even when up against Xanxus.
"Who knows, it might even be good for you, a mafia boss has to be able to handle situations no matter how hopeless they look" Reborn advised.
Tsuna had already started smashing his head against the window, a new habit he had taken up. Reborn grabbed his collar and threw him onto the floor with an almighty thud, breaking Tsuna out of his miserable state.
"Look, I'll make a few calls, pull a few strings, snap a few kidneys, and try and find a cure. All you have to do is not mess anything up too badly if you ever want see a life beyond that of people's underwear" Reborn instructed.
"You…you really think I can make it?" Tsuna asked, in his most pitiful state.
"Yes, as the Vongola Tenth you have to set an example for others to follow. They will tell of this throughout out the Vongola bloodline for years to come. Of how you single handily overcame an impossible army of lovesick psychopaths" Reborn spoke out, trying to sound inspiring.
"…Reborn"
"What?"
"Why did you start playing 'Eye of the Tiger' in the background…" Tsuna asked in a disgruntled voice.
"I thought it was appropriate"
"…You have no faith in me at all, do you?"
"None whatsoever"
Getting out the door was one thing, getting to school while avoiding all human contact was a completely different trick. A trick that required precise timing, evasion and skill in order to stealthy brave the early morning streets.
"SAWADA!"
Unfortunately, it wasn't a skill that Tsuna was good at. Go figure.
Sasagawa was running like a shark drawn to fresh blood, the road practically ripping apart as he made his way to Tsuna. What made things worse is that he had discarded his usual yellow sports jacket for something much more…loose.
He was wearing a skin-tight vest with the words Sawada Tsunayoshi painted on inside a giant pepper…with himself on the outside preparing to take a bite out of it.
Tsuna swore he would throw away every last pepper he would see from onwards.
"Hey Sawada! Let's head to school! TO THE EXTREME!" He roared, grabbing Tsuna by the shoulders and preparing what was likely to be another marathon sprint.
Fearful of his neck snapping off as it nearly had last time, Tsuna panicked.
"W-W-Wait! Sasagawa-san!" he howled, like a new born puppy that was about to get fixed.
"Hmm? What is it? Its it my manly armpits? I haven't washed them in two months" he proclaimed, bot bothered in the slightest.
When the odour hit Tsuna's nose, he swore that he could feel his nose hairs burning inside his nostrils, the stench was strong enough to kill an elephant. He passed out for a few seconds before forcefully regaining consciousness.
"H-Have you ever thought of doing things to the…the…" he mumbled his words.
"The what? To the ABSOLUTE EXTREME!" Sasagawa roared.
"N-NO! To the…LESSER EXTREME!" Tsuna wailed, the stench now getting so strong that he was slowly slipping into cardiac arrest.
"…Lesser extreme?" Sasagawa asked in confusion, finally letting Tsuna free from his hold. The Vongola Tenth fell to the concrete floor, gasping for air.
"Y-Yeah, maybe you should do things a little more light-heartedly, try and show some form of control…any form of control" Tsuna explained, very haphazardly.
"Lesser extreme…lesser extreme…lesser extreme…" Sasagawa repeated, like a metronome.
"Um…are you okay Sasagawa-san?" Tsuna asked.
"Lesser extreme…oh I get it!" Sasagawa proclaimed.
"You do?" Tsuna asked, a slight bit of hope welling up in his chest.
"Of course! The lesser extreme!" Sasagawa repeated, elbowing Tsuna in his ribs ever so lightly, which was still enough to leave a sold bruise over his already painful chest.
"So…you understand?" Tsuna asked, not actually believing that his panicked expression may have warded off one potential stalker.
"Of course I understand! The lesser extreme is a thing between you and me! I say extreme to every person I meet in the street! But the lesser extreme is something that only you and I share! Something that expresses a deeper form of connection!" Sasagawa proclaimed.
"…That's not what I-"
"Don't worry Sawada! I'll always remember this! I'll you at school, to the EXTREME! No wait…the lesser extreme" Sasagawa whispered, winking and lightly jabbing him on the shoulder. Which was enough to slightly dislodge it.
As he ran off into the misty morning, Tsuna was there left dumbfounded.
"…What the heck just happened?"
Tsuna really didn't like swimming class, it showed him up as even more of a social loser who couldn't accomplish anything physical.
The only differnece was that, today, he was practically top of the class. He won every race (the other swimmers had pretended to suffer minor injuries), the coach couldn't have provided him with enough praises, and all the girls on the side had to restrained by an electric fence to stop them from diving into the water and start Namimori's first underwater harem.
If anything, it made the day slightly more bearable. Tsuna tried to think he was still in a hopeless situation, however, it seemed that for one day, one hour of one day, the bullet was having a slightly positive effect.
As he finished another lap, Tsuna pushed himself onto the ledge and was greeted with another set of cheers by his peers. Some were even throwing flowers…and swimsuits. They were quickly suspended and taken off the premises.
"I guess things could be worse" Tsuna thought to himself.
"Hey Tsuna! Great lap there!" a familiar voice rang through his ear. Tsuna instantly recognised it as Yamamoto's and breathed a sigh of relief, momentarily forgetting the effects of the bullet.
He turned to where the voice was coming from, and ended up staring directly into a pair of short, black speedos…with his face imprinted on them. The sheer horror of this moment took Tsuna's breath away, and all he could do was look up to see Yamamoto looking down at him, smiling like there wasn't a care in the world.
"Maybe we should race one another! There's nothing like splashing through water and colliding into one another first thing in the morning to get your muscles relaxed for the coming day! What do you say? Fancy tumbling in the water together?" the Rain Guardian asked.
Tsuna feel into the water after blacking out, his head hitting the bottom and rendering him utterly unconscious.
"OH MY GOD! TSUNA IS DROWING!" a random fangirl yelled out.
"TSUNA!" Yamamoto yelled.
He ran around the side of the pool, waited two minutes for other people to stop using the diving board, applied lotion to his front and back so he would be more streamlined…and then dived into the water to save Tsuna.
It took him less than two seconds to sprawl Tsuna on the side of the pool. He got out himself and leaned over him, checking his pulse. He wasn't dead, but he wasn't waking up.
"Tsuna! Don't you dare die on me!" he yelled.
He then brought his fist down on his chest, so hard that it woke Tsuna out of his previous comatose and gasp for breath. He spluttered like a fish, trying to get to grips with his surroundings.
"Oh god…what happened?"
"Breath Tsuna! Breath!" another fist came down, this time on Tsuna's head, which knocked him unconscious again.
Yamamoto, who hadn't noticed he had woke up, continued to beat him senseless, while the rest of the crowd looked on his awe, moved by his compassion and determination.
"Quick! Someone give him the kiss of life!" another fangirl yelled out.
In realisation, Yamamoto grabbed Tsuna's neck and gently leaned him upwards towards his face. Inhaling a deep breath he brought his mouth close to the Vongola's so-far-untouched-mouth.
Tsuna regained consciousness just as Yamamoto was but a breath away from making contact.
He was taken to the hospital later that day for nearly drowning after he had flailed around like a fish to get Yamamoto off of him, and ended up meeting the bottom of the pool again.
Because he was drifting between consciousness at the hospital, he only vaguely remembered Gokudera coming into visit him, revealing what appeared to be over 100 flowers, 350 get-well cards, and over 1000 chocolates in the shapes of hearts that he insisted on feeding to him.
Security had tried to get him to leave, but that just resulted in half of the west wing exploding in a flurry of flames thanks to Gokudera's explosive attitude…and a crate of dynamite he had brought with him.
Tsuna was checked out the next day, where he had caught sight of Gokudera finally being subdued by the SWAT team that had arrived. Apparently he had been fighting off police since eight in the evening, insisting that no one was to touch the Tenth.
Too exhausted to fight on his behalf, Tsuna stumbled home.
"You look worse for wear Tsuna" Reborn commented, playing another round of Miniature Leon Golf.
"Please tell me you found that cure.." the Vongola Boss mumbled, before falling onto his bed.
"Nope. But I'm following a lead in Italy, all I need to do is threaten this one family by skinning their dog alive and making their eldest son fornicate in the street, then I should get the information I need"
"That's good…" Tsuna replied, not listening to a word, before falling into a deep sleep.
Coming home had been a welcoming thought for Tsuna, as Bianchi had sent his Mother, I-pin and Lambo on a cruise for an entire month, while she herself was entering a cookery competition in Norway. This would later come to be known as the Poison Cake Massacre.
So there was no chance of anyone entering his room and doing anything that would already impair more stress onto his already fragile mind and body.
At three in the morning, he was proven wrong.
He was awoken by a faint sensation on his face, like a small breeze. Whatever it was, it became hard to ignore, so Tsuna opened his eyes and ended up looking right into the face of absolute terror.
Hibari was looking over him. Quiet literally he was leaning of his bed and staring directly at him without even blinking, his dark eyes like two piercing jewels in the night that, if they could, would kill you by sheer glance alone.
Tsuna was quiet for a good five minutes, too terrified to even breathe.
"Um…Hibari-san"
"…"
"Why…why are you in my room?"
"…"
"…Could you please…leave?"
"No"
Tsuna didn't say another word for the rest of the night, all he could do was try to pretend he wasn't staring up at death incarnate. It failed miserably.
Only one thing kept him from going past the threshold into insanity, one thing keeping him falling off the edge of a panic attack.
At least things couldn't get any worse.