Everybody Loves Tsuna

Things Get A Lot Worse

"So let me guess this straight…you sneaked into his house?"

"Correct"

"You tortured him by removing his kidneys with a spatula, before forcing him to watch as you fed them to his own dog?"

"Yes"

"You then proceeded to kill and carve the dog in such a way it is now a delicacy at a nearby French Restaurant which has now caused a culinary revolution?"

"Yep"

"You then inserted in place of his kidneys a hornet's nest, which had been kicked several times beforehand?"

"Correct-o-mundo"

"…AND YOU STILL DIDN'T FIND A CURE?"

"Nope"

Tsuna's face was now a cherry red, so much so that it shone more brightly than the late afternoon's sun as it dipped into horizon below. Reborn was perched on the windowsill, reading a magazine entitled "How to turn your enemy's genitals into a tasty cabbage sauce". He frankly wasn't bothered by the anger or condition of his protégé.

Tsuna was in a sorry state, his arms were bruised up to the shoulders because Sasagawa spent every waking moment reminding him of the "lesser" extreme, which in truth was more painful that his regular extreme. He was now investing in turrets to stop Hibari from making more "nightly visits" to his room. Gokudera had spent most of the day making dynamite that spelled out "TENTH I HEART YOU" in various colors when it exploded. Yamamoto was inviting him to constant practices, usually involving sports which involved close contact.

And don't get him started on Bianchi.

Only last night, when it looked Hibari had found a new favorite pass time, Tsuna was awoken by a warm sensation on his stomach. He had opened his eyes to see his room decorated in roses, petals covering everything from the floor to his body. Which, by the way, was also stripped bare by means not known to man.

Binachi was at the foot of his bed, dressed in white sheets, with a faint blush on her face. A smile that for once looked genuine more than mischievous, a smile that didn't appear to have any hidden agenda other than what was around him. And what was around him was a sight he never could have imagined.

She had then proceeded to lean over him, only a single white sheet separating their two naked bodies. She had kissed his cheeks and his forehead, and began to whisper words that was so frightening that he thought he was going mad.

She had asked for him to be gentle with her.

…Gentle…

She had left forty minutes later, with tears in her eyes, when he had finally gathered the courage to decline. She had stormed out without a word. That night was the most uncomfortable night since the whole escapade had begun. It was pure insanity, driving him over the edge.

It was insanity because he felt bad, he felt ashamed of declining her.

The roses had gone by the morning, and they had spent the rest of the day in awkward silence.

"I must be losing my grip on my reality…for a second I actually considered…no, I can't think like that! It's all fake! All of it is fake!" He thought to himself.

"Sorry Tsuna, but the lead let to a dead end, I'll have follow up some new sources to try and find this miracle cure, though I doubt it exists" his tutor asked not averting his eyes form his magazines.

"DON'T SAY THAT!" Tsuna barked out.

"Would it really be so bad? Having people that love you? Having everyone love you?" Reborn asked.

"But it isn't love! It's some rabid infatuation! That's not love!" Tsuna snapped back.

"True, but maybe amidst this chaos of potential law charges and breakthrough in sateen sheet sales, you could find the few lucky women that love you" Reborn asked.

"…You said women" Tsuna asked, slightly confused.

A dark and desolate silence covered both teacher and student.

"…Oh god, you're gay aren't you" Reborn sighed.

"WHAT? I AM NOT!" Tsuna yelled back.

"Good, because that would have required a whole other talk, plus a twenty inch blade coated in the flames of a blowtorch" he sighed in relief.

"…Why would you need that?"

"Every mafia boss is required to bare strong children to carry on their legacy, for that you need a strong woman, if you're thinking of crossing to the other side of the street then the law requires me to castrate you here and now" Reborn explained.

"…I am defiantly straight" Tsuna responded, face on white in fear at the seriousness of the boy's tone.

"Good to know, why were you confused anyway?" he asked, raising an eye form his reading material.

"It's just…I didn't think you would look into this whole scenario that deeply. I didn't think you cared if I was attacked by men or women, after all this is just another of your crazy mistakes at my expense…right?"

"…Of course"

"You have no ulterior motives?"

"None at all?"

"I don't believe-"

"You and Binachi seem to be getting rather close" Reborn interrupted, causing Tsuna to break out in a fierce blush.

"It's nothing like that!" Tsuna yelled out in defense.

"I don't know, I saw the way you looked at her when she lathered you custard pie and started to eat it" Reborn debated.

"She tied to me to the bed, stuffed my mouth with strawberries and nearly suffocated it me with those pies! Plus they were filled with mice! MICE!" Tsuna yelled back.

"How about the time when she came into your school just to give you a box of chocolates?" Reborn continued, not seeming to care about Tsuna's growing hysteria.

"She hid herself in the box, then burst out covered head to toe in chocolate, completely naked!" Tsuna snapped back.

"The time where she offered to give you a pedicure?"

"Chained my feet to the ground, and soaked them in treacle! Treacle that turned out to be flammable!"

"Two days ago, when she made you that extra special Sunday roast?"

"She knocked me out and turned me into the roast! I still keep cauliflower in my ears and…other areas"

"That time Gokudera came around, the two got into a huge fight which somehow ended up with you suspended from the ceiling while they got into a mud-wrestle, and concluded with you dressed in a Victorian dress while Bianchi pretended to be a royal guard and attempted to take your virginity?"

"THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!" Tsuna yelled, grabbing his jacket and stormed out of the room.

As soon as Reborn heard him shut the front door, a small smile crept onto his face. He stroked Leon over the head and marveled at the genius that was him, even Verde would be jealous of the situation he had created.

"I hope that boy has an extra set of boots, because he's going to up to his neck in genitalia" he chuckled.

"Stupid Reborn, doesn't he even care that I could end up dead in the next few days if this progresses any further!" Tsuna though aloud, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his orange jacket.

All his attention and energy was being spent of keeping his lust-filled stalkers at bay, so it was a good thing that his teacher didn't seem to care that he was skipping school or not bothering to keep up with his studies. He then realized he wasn't so fortunate when she tried to have sex with him on a desk…during the start of first period.

If it hadn't been for Gokudera beating her off with two other girls…he didn't want to imagine the consequences.

"Maybe I'll go to some remote island and live the rest of my life like Tom Hanks" he thought to himself, running a hand through his long brown hair, sighing as he did.

Somewhere far away, a recipient of the infatuation bullet lost control of their bladder at the very motion.

Despite wishing he was in Castaway, Tsuna realized that he would have to face the problem himself head-on. If he fled to another city, everyone within another 36 miles would still be affected. He didn't like the idea of hundreds of French, British or Portuguese citizens raving after him, with questionable intentions.

He was so caught up in his head, that he didn't notice the figure coming around the corner, and consequently bumped into them.

"Gah! I'm sorry! I wasn't looking where-"

He cut himself off when he noticed that the person in front of him was none other than the flaming angel of his desires. His heartbeat increased tenfold when he saw that in front him was none other than Kyoko Sasagawa.

"K-K-Kyoko-chan?" Tsuna gaped.

She looked at him with those sweet eyes. It slowly begun to dawn of Tsuna that he was a breath's distance from him. Was this it? Was the infatuation bullet going to be of some actual good? Was he finally going to able to embrace the girl of his dreams while she wanted to ravage him to the point of his pelvis breaking.

"This is it…" Tsuna thought to himself.

"Huh? Oh Tsuna-kun, I didn't see you there. By the way, have you seen my big brother, he was supposed to come home earlier, but all he seems to be doing is buying peppers and running by your house" Kyoko asked sweetly.

…Wait what?

"Uh…Kyoko, you feel alright?" Tsuna asked.

"Me? I'm perfectly fine. I'm more worried about big brother though, he seems to be acting a little strange lately. Oh well, I'd better be going, see you later Tsuna-kun!" she smiled before walking off down the street.

Tsuna didn't even say goodbye. He just stood there. Flabbergasted.

Kyoko…wasn't…affected…by the bullet…

"…"

Tsuna normally wasnted one for cursing, after all it was ill advised and he liked to think of himself as a nice person. Even in battle, he had never disrespected an enemy before, even Xanxas, and god knows he deserved a verbal beat down.

But now?

"BLOODY SHITCAKES!" He howled into the late afternoon.

Things could not get any worse than this.

"TENTH!"

"TSUNA!"

"SAWADA!"

Tsuna turned around to see three of his Guardians ripping up the pavement, heading towards him at lightning fast speed. Tsuna mentally slapped himself.

Things had just got worse.

"Hold on Tenth! Whatever caused you to spit such insults shall be punished by your eternally loyal right-hand man!" Gokudera yelled out.

"Sawada! Lets go for a run together! To the extreme! Oh wait, the lesser extreme!" Sasagawa yelled out.

"I'm not wearing any underwear Tsuna!" Yamamoto yelled out.

Tsuna bolted.

After ten minutes of hiding in bushes, leaping over fences, and generally putting Solid Snake to shame. Tsuna finally managed to lose his three stalkers. He sighed, plotting how to get home when he was five blocks away and without taking the main road. He looked like he was finally in the clear.

Until he bumped into Hibari.

Tsuna froze. The Head of the Namimori Discipline Committee held an emotionless look, so it was impossible to tell if he was either thinking of what he was going to have for dinner, or if he was planning to make good on his offer and start biting him.

"Uh…Hibari-san"

"…"

"I…I need to get home…so if you could move…"

"Do you have a wheelchair?" he spontaneously asked.

"W-What? Uh…no I don't own a wheelchair" Tsuna replied nervously.

"Really? Oh, well that's a pity"

"Yeah it is…why is it a pity again?"

"So after I spend the night fulfilling ever dark fantasy you ever had, our bodies burning in such a rhythm it would make heaven weep, until we collapse from sheer exhaustion and our bodies are screaming for relief, I'll be able to make my daily rounds while being able to keep a close eye on you. It's painfully obvious you won't be able to walk afterwards" Hibari asked.

The pair were engrossed in a horrible silence for at least five seconds.

Before Tsuna turned around and ran like the Devil himself was on his tail. Now that he thought about it, the Devil was probably less scary than Hibari.

Hibari chuckled as he watched the Vongola Successor ran for his life.

"Ah, so it is to be a chase. My, my, my cub does love to taunt me" he smirked.

Taking in a deep breath, he broke the sound barrier in one fell swoop and began his pursuit of the petrified holder of the Sky Ring.

"After all, it's the thrill of the hunt that makes the kill that much more delicious"

Tsuna never thought he would say it, but he actually preferred Bianchi drugging him, tattooing various sexual paintings onto his chest, then drenching him in various foods, than to have Hibari catch him right now.

"Have to hide! Have to hide! Have to hide! Have to hide! Have to hide!" He repeated, as if it were a mantra.

He darted up a pathway until he was in the shadow of one of the houses. Maybe he could convince the residents there to let him stay. That is, if they weren't immune to the infatuation bullet, like Kyoko.

"BLOODY SHITCAKES!" he suddenly yelled out.

Oh god…had his rage been that great that that curse had been permanently imbedded into his subconscious? He would have spent more time thinking about it, if it weren't for the fact he had suddenly gave away his position.

He heard several footstep approaching. No matter who caught him (preferably not Hibari) he was doomed to be showered in ungodly affection.

Things could not, he repeated mentally, could not get any worse than things were now.

"SAWADA TSUNAYOSHI!"

Tsuna turned a full 360 degrees to look at the house he was standing under. Atop the roof were six figures, dressed entirely in black, all of them with a menacing presence. The supposed leader had some sort of ferret's tail around his neck and was severely scarred all over his face. The second hand extremely long grey hair, and a sword attached to his wrist. The third had sunglasses as fell as long green hair fashioned into some sort of Mohawk. The fourth was shorter than the rest, his face obscured by his long blonde hair, he also had some sort crown on his head. The final member even shorter face hidden by a black hood, and was somehow levitating mid-air.

Tsuna had to blink and rub his eyes a few times just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

"The…The Varia?" He yelled out in shock.

All the members, save for the floating hood, all gave evil grins.

"We have all travelled from Italy, and tracked you down for one reason only!" the yelled in unison.

Tsuna braced himself, regretting not brining his pills and gloves with him. Still, he was prepared for anything these assassins had planned for him. If it was for revenge, then he's just have to fight with the dying will's affect.

"We have come to Japan…TO STEAL YOUR HEART!" they yelled all at once.

"..."

Scratch that, things had now reached their worst.