Everybody Loves Tsuna
Dude Looks Like A Lady
If you asked Tsuna two weesk ago where he thought his life would end up in fourteen days' time, then he guaranteed this would not have even made the list. Sure, Reborn would have somehow caused him to end up in some horrible situation that involved fighting for his life and his clothes ripping apart (seriously, it was costing him a fortune lately to get new clothes). But to have his Guardians chasing after him in a lust-fuelled rage, have the majority of the vox populi already planning what their honeymoon with him would be, and now his mortal enemies suddenly arrive with similar intentions?
He must have been God's personal punching bag, because his life had gone to the dogs. A pack of very hormonally charged borderline rapist dogs that didn't care that in some cases they were the same gender as him. Thought at this point, the women scared him just as much as the men.
But back to the matter at hand, concerning the fact that the most lethal assassin group in all of Italy, who had travelled hundreds of miles to Japan, who had a perfectly justified vendetta against him…had just declared they were going to steal his heart.
"Could…you repeat that?" Tsuna asked, not quite believing what he was hearing.
"Certainly" the leader, Xanxus, agreed as he returned to his previous position.
The last time Tsuna checked, Xanxus pretty much despised him for the fact that he was denied the title of Vongola Tenth. After losing to Tsuna in both status and combat, and being imprisoned by allied Vongola forces, it was understandable that he would be somewhat pissed off. So you can imagine Tsuna's surprise when he appeared in such a flamboyant fashion…and with such a disturbing message.
"We, the Varia, the Shadows of the Vongola, the ultimate assassins, have travelled all the way to Japan to deliver you this message Tsunayoshi Sawada" he began, assuming a dark and intimidating posture.
"That you want to kill me, take my ring and become head of the Vongola?" Tsuna asked. It was very messed up, but Tsuna was actually hoping for that.
"The message we have come to deliver…is that we wish to steal you! Mind, body and soul! Mostly body!" Xanxus declared with fire in his eyes.
Well, it was official. Tsuna's life was now officially Hell.
"How is this possible? I failed Geography but I'm pretty sure that Italy is further away than 36 miles! Did Reborn lie about the distance? This makes no sense! How can this be happening?" he thought to himself.
"There have been some extreme cases where people who previously knew the bullet holder, who were within a breaths distance from them, and were completely unaffected. On the contrast, some became as rabid as dogs and lost all of their humanity, reverting to a primal stage. In one case, people who were located hundreds of miles away became infatuated and showed the same signs of those who had shared a previous contact with the bullet holder" Reborn's words echoed in his mind like a choir, a choir of death.
"…Oh hell" Tsuna thought aloud.
"That's right Sawada! Even though less than 24 hours ago I was thinking about various ways to impale you head on a rock, feelings of lust have boiled inside me like a volcano erupting! For some strange reason, the rest of my group feel the same way, but that's irrelevant" Xanxus continued.
"No, I'm pretty sure that's relevant, quite urgently relevant" Tsuna added.
"The fact remains; I have a burning desire to see you, mostly without clothes. I wish to see you standing triumphantly beside me, and by that I mean in my bed, for all of eternity, which of course means unimaginable amounts of soft and gentle lovemaking" Xanxus conclude.
Tsuna opened his mouth, but no words managed to come out, only a silent scream of the horrors that were now playing in his mind.
"Which in itself is a bit of lie, you'd be chained, shaved, covered in marmalade and would be forced to start singing James Blunt as you endured fifteen hour sessions of uncensored, dirty sex" Xanxus added.
It was truly a sad day when the idea of Hibari leaving him in a wheelchair from being romped all night sounded like quite a pleasant alternative by this point.
"Yoohoo! Darling! Your future hubbie is right here! Hi handsome! Ciao! Fancy getting an early dinner and watching a marathon of the Gilmore Girls!" another member yelled.
Tsuna had gathered that Lussaria was on the queer side ever since he had seen him fight Ryohei. His bizarre sense of fashion made him a bit of an oddball, an oddball who was now determined to condemn him to nights of trashy television and naughty things in the dark.
"Shishishishi! He looks petrified; I wonder how red his blood is? I can't wait to find out" the short, blonde member chuckled, is crown shining in the evening sun.
The less said about Belphegor, the better. He was a crazy prince who got exiled from his kingdom, and from his creepy obsession with knives, it was quite clear why. Only now he was here pursuing him, and god knows what the short freak with the tiara found arousing.
"VOOOOOOOI! Shut your mouth Bel! Aint' no fucking way some prince with a knife fetish is going to cut this shrimp down! That's to my job! And I'm only my special sword!" the member with the long grey hair snapped back at Belphegor.
Squalo was an even more psychotic swordsman who wanted to be the best, that was all. He just wanted to be the greatest swordsman in existence. He was a devastatingly strong opponent, and had a strange resemblance to shark in terms of personality. Tsuna didn't even want to think about what kind of "special sword" that he was thinking of using.
"You there! I want you to know that I love you just as much as Lord Xanxus! Well…maybe not as much…maybe a bit less…no wait more! I mean less! Oh the confusion!" the tallest member yelled out in frustration.
Tsuna was surprised that Leviathan had been affected at all by the bullet's power. His loyalty (or was it obsession?) with Xanxus was so strong that in order to shake it, then the bullet must have been far more powerful than Tsuna imagined. That thought alone sent a shiver down his spine.
The final member, Marmon, remained silent.
"All of you shut up! I'm jetlagged and I need a good few hours' sleep before I can have my way with Sawada, now grab and bag him!" Xanxus demanded.
"VOOOOOI! Who says you get to sleep with him first! I want to spend the day getting to know how good or shit his technique is, so I need to know which sword style I need to use later!" Squalo barked back.
"That's a good point, I mean, I had the whole Twilight saga recorded for our trip back, I want to snuggle with my pumpkin and talk about my latest fashion ideas for our uniforms" Lussaria joined in.
"Hey! I'm the boss which means I get to sink my teeth into that juicy bit of meat! You guys get second servings!" Xanxus snapped back.
"VOOOOOOI! Screw that! I'm getting that piece of prime rib! I'm not settling for seconds!" Squalo snorted.
"Shishishishi, as long as I get to carve the turkey, I don't care who takes what body part" Bel chuckled, stroking one of his knives.
"VOOI! And you can just forget about that, your majesty! We can't hurt him too badly, and those wounds have to be given in the heat of passion!" Squalo sharply responded.
"My pumpkin needs to be cared for! He needs a gentle touch with a bit of spice, not a bunch of crazy bloodhounds who don't know anything about the delicate art of seduction" Lussaria added.
"I agree with whatever the boss agrees to!" Levi called out over the arguing.
"Shut up Levi!" all of them yelled simultaneously.
"If you idiots are done acting like a bunch of hyenas, then you may like to know that the Vongola has already made a run for it" Marmon suddenly spoke up.
All heads of the Varia turned to see that Tsuna was no longer standing there, and had instead vanished from sight. There was a brief moment of confusion, before blind hysteria broke among the Varia, followed by more shouting, more arguing and more blaming.
"Find him dammit! I won't let my chew-toy escape me!" Xanxus declared.
"VOOOOOI! My final opponent! I shall cross blades with you soon enough!" Squalo shouted.
"Don't worry sweetheart! Your handsome prince is on his way to save you from whatever evil has kidnapped you!" Lussaria cried out into the sunset.
"Hey! The only prince around here is me! And besides, if he thinks he can get away that easily, it's going to cost him a few extra cuts" Bel sniggered.
Marmon just stared at the group with utter dismay.
"How did I end up getting roped into this group again?"
Tsuna had managed to get back to his house without incident, though he was pretty sure he saw Hibari beating random bystanders, demanding his location. Tsuna mentally drew a picture of each of their faces and promised to buy them something nice in compensation for losing their teeth as a result Hibari's denied yet destructive sexual desires.
The door was still unlocked, so as he burst inside he fell to the floor with a tumble. Ignoring the pain, he madly locked the door with every lock possible, and then proceeded to nail wood to the door for extra protective. Though against the techniques that the Varia possessed, he doubt it would do much.
He fell flat against the door, trying to conceive what had just happened in the past hour. His Guardians were still very much out to get him, though in much less sinister ways than the Varia, whose ideas of romance would involve either his death or enslavement.
"What am I going to do? With them hunting me down, I'm not going to survive the net three days! Why me?" he cried.
As he moaned about how bleak life had become, a warm scent filled his nostrils. He looked to see steam coming out of the kitchen, which confused the heck out of him. His mother had been shipped off on an around the world tour courtesy of Bianchi, who he hadn't seen since yesterday morning.
If that was the case, who was cooking?
He cautiously moved into the kitchen. He heard the soft tune of someone humming, as well as a truly delicious scent unlike anything his mother had made. As stepped towards the table, he caught sight of a bulky figure in a hairnet, apron and white shirt.
"Um…hello?" Tsuna asked.
His face went a paler shade of white when the cook turned around, wearing orange sunglasses and sprouting green hair. The allure of the beef stew, which still made his stomach cry out in hunger, went instantly stale.
"Darling! You're home!" Lussaria cried in joy.
"H-How did you get in here!" Tsuna bellowed out.
"Hush darling! Dinner is almost ready! I made your favourite! I also bought a very nice red wine to go with it, just be sure not to drink it all, I know how randy you are when you're drunk" Lussaria chuckled.
Tsuna wasn't sure which part of that sentence was worse, but none the less, his grip on reality was starting to rapidly deteriorate.
Dashing out of the kitchen, he sprinted upstairs. He prayed Reborn was still here, at least then he had a chance of making out of if this ordeal in one piece. He burst open his bedroom door, hoping to see the gun wielding infant in his usual place.
"Reborn! You've got to help me! The Varia are-"
Bel threw another knife into the wall. Someone had lazily painted a picture of no one other than himself on the wall, which now had several holes in it thanks to endless barrage of sharp objects being thrown into it. The ripping prince turned around to face the Vongola boss.
"Everytime a knife hits that drawing; I imagine its hitting an actual body part of yours, it makes me go all warm and fuzzy inside"
Tsuna slammed the door and bolted downstairs.
"How the hell did they get into my house before me?" he thought aloud.
Trying to think of a place to hide, he headed for the questionable choice of the downstairs toilet. He flung open the door, to see a sight that would forever haunt him.
"VOOOOOI! Do you mind! Some of us are trying to take a shit here!"
Tsuna slammed the door, trying his best not to gag. The Varia had successful infiltrated his house, not hard to believe considering who they were. Still, that begged the question, what was he going to do now.
"You're out of hot water! I can't have hot and dirty intercourse without a proper shower!" Xanxus bellowed down the stairs.
"I shall fetch you a towel, Master Xanxus!" Levi yelled.
The toilet flushed, and Squalo walked out, doing up his belt again. He sent Tsuna a dirty look before entering the kitchen asking when dinner was going to be ready. As this was happening, he heard the repeated sounds of knives being flung at his wall, and Levi using his mother's hairdryer to dry Xanxus's hair.
It suddenly became too much for Tsuna.
"Dinner's ready! I hope you all like your beef tender, because this is literally dipping off the bone!" Lussaria called out.
"VOOI! What the hell! How come there's no good porn in your DVD collection!" Squalo called out.
"Maybe I should use razor wire, I've heard it's good for giving your partner a sense of completion as you mercilessly ravage them"
Tsuna leapt through the nearest window and sprinted down the street.
"So if I catch the nearest flight to America, jump off into the Atlantic, swim to an uninhibited island, live off of the sea turtles and the shellfish, I might manage to survive!" Tsuna thought to himself as he ran down the nearest street, unsure of where he was even heading to.
His cheek had been cut by the glass, as had the right hand side of his jacket, as well as a large bruise on his right arm form the impact of breaking the downstairs window and landing in a heap in the garden below.
"Why can't things go my way? Just once?" Tsuna thought aloud.
He had been complaining so much that he didn't even notice that someone was in front of his path until he nearly bumped into them. They were both standing one of the paths that veered off form the main street, and were located in the shadows of neighbouring houses. The sun was still above the horizon, but only barely. This coated the entire pathway in a beautiful orange light.
Tsuna couldn't really take in the slight, considering there was a black-hooded midget levitating in front of him.
Marmon remained deathly silent, while Tsuna didn't really draw in breath. He knew that Marmon was actually an Arcobaleno, much like Reborn, and possessed nearly unrivalled powers in terms of illusions. The two of them simply stood in silence, not making a move until the other did so.
It was almost a peaceful silence, at least until…
"VOOOOI! Where has that sexy little pest gotten to!" Squalo howled.
"Oh this is just a tragedy! Dinner is going to get cold, and the Jeremy Kyle show is just about to start!" Lussaria wailed.
"Dammit! How could you lot lose him! I was this close on deciding which ferret to wear! Find him and bring him back no matter the cost!" Xanxus barked.
The voices of the Varia were getting closer. Tsuna looked between his rapidly decreasing exit, and the figure in front of him. As soon as the Varia turned that corner, he would be apprehended, taken back, and subjected to untold horrors.
"Don't move a muscle" Marmon suddenly spoke out.
Tsuna felt a chill descend upon him, like a sudden cold wind had entered his body. He really didn't have time to dwell on this as a second later the Varia had come around the corner and we relooking him dead in the eye. Tsuna bit back a wail of fear, which ended to be quickly replaced by confusion when their eye line with him broke.
"Dammit! He couldn't have gone far! Split up and search the town!" Xanxus ordered.
Tsuna was stunned, but it did appear that the other members of the Varia didn't notice him. They ran off in separate directions, leaving him alone with the floating infant next to him. Tsuna turned around to face Marmon, now utterly confused more than utterly petrified.
"How did you-"
"Basic illusion, they'll leave you alone for the moment, it should be safe to return to your home, I figure you have some serious redecoration to do, that lot can be complete pigs" Marmon explained.
"Oh…um…thank you" Tsuna replied.
This was so strange, why would Marmon save him? Was he not affected by the bullet like Reborn? If that was the case, why was he still looking out for his wellbeing, surely his loyalty belonged to Xanxus. Tsuna still remained completely bewildered.
"Uh...can I ask you something?" he asked
"What?"
"Um…why did you help me back there?"
"…"
"I mean…you're loyal to the Varia, aren't you?"
"…"
"It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, after all I was your enemy for a while"
"You have gorgeous eyes"
"It seems kind of strange that…wait, what?"
Instantaneously, a strange purple smoke suddenly began to flow from Marmon. Tsuna leapt back as a result, and watched as the smoke can to swallow the Arcobaleno. Inside the dark smoke, Tsuna could just make out a shadow beginning to form. The shadow began to grow in size, increasing until it was even taller than him. For a moment, Tsuna thought that this was some devastating technique that the illusionist had been saving for him. Maybe his death was his primary concern after all.
That theory went out of the window when the smoke finally began to disperse, and in the place where Marmon was once floating, there was a whole person altogether.
The clothes were roughly the same; they were black in colour and covered every part of the person's body, though unlike the robes of Marmon, these were much tighter around their frame. The large, almost comedic hat that Marmon had worn previously was now a regular hood that blacked out the eyes and forehead of the new figure. What was drastically new was the long purple hair that flailed out along their shoulders and ended on their chest, which had gotten a bit larger, and was unlike any male chest that Tsuna had seen before.
It took exactly 10.7 seconds for Tsuna to notice that the curves along the hips, the style of the hair, the shape of the face, and that size of the endowments of their chest did not actually belong to a male.
"YOU'RE A WOMAN?" Tsuna cried out.
"Wow, you actually figured out, took you long enough" the new Marmon replied, now with an unmistakably female voice.
Tsuna gaped, stuttering his words, unsure of how to react. Considering everything that had happened today, this was the icing on the cake.
"B-B-B-But Reborn said-"
"He never knew, none of them ever knew, I kept my gender a secret from everyone, even the Varia" she replied.
"You're a…a…a…a" Tsuna couldn't wrap his head the fact.
"A lady, a female, a girl, a young woman, a she, I'm all of those things, I would have thought my appearance spoke for itself" she added, putting her hands on her hips.
"You were an infant! You were floating there just a second ago!" Tsuna ranted, hands shaking from the shock.
"Ah, well you see, this was how I looked before I became an Arcobaleno. I used my illusions to craft this body for me, which by the way, takes a lot of work so you had better appreciate it" she snorted.
"A-A-Appreciate it?" Tsuna gaped.
Marmon slowly walked forward, where it became evident that she was just slightly taller than he was. Tsuna was too bewildered to even react as she came within a breath's distance of him, looking down on his lightly, though she had to stretch to do so.
"M-Marmon, what are you-" Tsuna stuttered.
"Call me Viper" she interjected.
"O-Okay…um…why did you…uh…you know" Tsuna fumbled his words, for the millionth time today.
"Why did I take on this appearance?" Viper asked. Tsuna rapidly nodded in response, suddnely becoming aware that he was quite close to an actual woman.
"Other than the fact that my new self is degrading and makes a mockery of my very existence, you can't exactly do things with that body than you can do with this one" she explained.
"T-T-T-T-T-Things?" Tsuna literally mouthed.
"Yes, idiot, things" she repeated.
"W-W-What-"
"What kind of things? Well, things like this"
With one swift movement, her hand lashed out grabbed Tsuna's own hand. He suddenly realised why he/she was called Viper, she had the strongest grip he had ever known. Instead of snapping his wrist like he was expecting her to do, she ended up brining it closer, and pushing it against her chest, squashing it against her left breast.
Tsuna's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and blood began to rapidly pour from his nose. He didn't scream as such, more like make squeaks as his hand unintentionally squeezed the soft flesh through the black clothing. This earned a moan from Viper, through her expression remained the same.
"You can also do things...like this"
With that said, she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a hard, open-mouthed kiss. Tsuna's eyes widened, then went dark as they slowly closed. His body was tightly pulled towards Viper's, her chest pushing hard against his.
The serpent had caught its prey, and now it was time to feast.