Notes: A BIG thank you to CytheraofNaxen for betaing the story for me!
I also wanted to thank everyone for reading this, and all the feedback, alerts and PMs. This is my first Rookie Blue fic and it was set after 'In Plain View'.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rookie Blue.
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The 15th – 7:30am
"Hey," Traci's face held its usual broad smile as she dropped down onto the bench next to her. "How was your first shift back?"
"Good, I guess."
"Way to sound convincing."
"I don't know, a week of interviews and reports with Guns and Gangs … with Boyd, and he won't tell me anything about what is happening with Sam." Andy pushed her foot into a boot with what was probably a little more force than she needed to. "And now I'm back in the world like nothing ever happened."
"Back in the world?" Traci questioned as she opened her bag and pushed a few things around.
"Yeah, it was just something Sam said."
"Andy are you ok? Did something happen between you and Swarek?"
"Yes and no."
"Well which one is it?"
"We kissed."
"You spend a month undercover as a hooker and all you did was kiss? You could have stayed in uniform if that's all you wanted."
"Traci, keep your voice down." Andy pulled a face as she scanned the locker room to see if anyone was looking at them. "That's not all I wanted, but it's all he wanted."
"Swarek? The Sam Swarek that follows your every step? The Sam Swarek that almost punched Oliver for not stopping you from going into a burnt out building, only wanted to kiss.
"Yes Traci … can we talk about this later, it's been a long night and I just want to go home and sleep."
"You mean go to Sam's and sleep?"
"You're sleeping with Sam?" Gail walked up behind Andy.
Andy didn't respond, she just picked up her bag and left Traci standing next to a confused Gail.
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"Yeah thanks …" Luke handed the folder back to the young officer who'd only just handed it over. "Can you give me a minute?" He didn't know she was back; on top of that she must be working overnights. His first sight of her was with her duty bag over her shoulder as she pushed the rear doors that lead to officer parking. "Andy." Luke jogged after her when she didn't even turn at the sound of his voice. "Andy." His voice a little louder, his tone a litter firmer this time.
"Luke please I am tired and I just want to go home."
"Home? That would be to Swarek's?" He hadn't come out here to fight with her but be couldn't help himself. "He home too?"
"No. Not that it is any of your business where I live or who I live with. You made that choice."
"No I didn't, you left. I wanted to work things out."
"What was there to work out, you slept with your ex. A detective in my division."
"I think you got what you always wanted." Luke dropped his voice. "I make one mistake and you didn't even give me a chance to explain."
"You did explain. You made a mistake. You screwed up!" Andy dropped her head long enough to draw in a breath before she continued. "You walked out of my apartment and didn't talk to me for a month because Traci put a frozen piece of paper in my fridge … and you make it sound like I'm the unreasonable one?"
"You kissed him."
"And you slept with her." Andy almost spat the words out. "And while you were you picked up your phone and text me, or did you waited until you were done before lying to me about where you were." With that she started to walk away from him.
"Andy wait." Luke reached out and grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving. "I forgave you, the least you could do-"
"The least I could?" She pulled her arm free as she focused on his eyes, "when I went to Sam we were barely going out, you where never around." This time her voice held no emotion, "We weren't living together and engaged … but you never meant to ask me did you?"
"You went to Swarek?"
"I needed someone and you where too busy working to worry about how I might be feeling. So yeah Luke I went to Sam."
Luke looked down and kicked the ground once giving himself time to think before he spoke again. "You know why they use Swarek? Why the Drug Squad and Guns and Gangs want him." Luke stared hard at her, his tone low and even, not giving her the opportunity to respond. "Because he is a natural. Before the drills, and the training he already had the gift that gets people to trust him, get them to do what he wants." Luke paused. "You ever think that all the time he was telling you that I wasn't the one ... how wrong I was for you, that I would hurt you … that he was just talking you into something he wanted?"
"That would be the difference between you and Sam … He never said anything against you"
Luke dropped his shoulders and let out a small sad laugh as he turned back to face her. "Really?"
"Yeah … every time I was upset with you he would tell me what a good guy you were, how you had my back. Maybe Sam isn't the only one with a gift for making people trust them." Andy looked passed him at the officer waiting at the Barn door. "Looks like you've got work to do."
Luke flicked his eyes back to the door and than back to Andy, just a few steps away from him. "Andy." He closed the gap and reached out grabbing her arm once again to stop her walking. "I'm sorry I don't want to fight. Can we talk, can we go out to dinner?"
"I'm on nights for the next week."
"Breakfast then? Andy I made a terrible mistake and I really want you back."
"No you want the idea of me back. You wanted someone just like Jo, but you hated that she put her career first; only that's what you do. You want someone who makes you feel important and that's not me. "
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Sunday – 6:30pm
"What?"
"You were asleep?" Traci asked with an almost evil smile as she held up the bag in her left hand, in an attempt to make peace. "I thought you were back on days tomorrow?"
"I am, but I just kinda got used to ..." Andy's eyes fell to the bag, "That's ice cream."
"Jerry asked me to move in with him." Traci knew that would distract Andy from being abruptly woken up, and she really had to tell someone. It was on the drive over to Swarek's that she realized just how much she missed Andy and thanked god she was back.
"That's great?" Traci flicked her eyes past Andy, she grimaced a little at the congratulation. "That's not great?" Andy said as she stepped aside with a puzzled expression for Traci to come in. "I thought that's what you wanted?"
"It is … but I've got Leo to think about." Traci let herself fall onto the bar stool at the breakfast bench.
"He likes Jerry, doesn't he?"
"He does, but he's had so much change in the last two years. Dex, and then no Dex." Traci let her frustration show in her voice, "And let's not mention my job." With that she folded her arms on the bench and let her chin rest on them with a loud groan. Even though she couldn't see Andy's face she guessed that she was laughing at her expense.
"So?" Andy placed the bowls next to the ice cream tub in front of Traci. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know." Traci lifted her head when she lost sight of Andy. "What are you doing?" Traci asked confused as she watched Andy move from drawer to drawer, searching and discarding the contents of each.
"I am looking for an ice cream scoop." Andy said as she pushed the contents of the bottom drawer around. "What do you want to do?"
"I want to say yes."
"Well, do it then."
"Yeah. I'm not sure that I am going to be taking 'justdoit' advice from the girl who can't even get a guy that follows her every move to sleep with her." Traci watched as Andy paused in front of an open drawer not moving. "Andy?" She asked a little puzzled.
"I forgot about that."
"Forgot about what?" Traci couldn't imagine anything in an open kitchen drawer could hold that much interest.
"It's Sam's." Andy turned her body to face Traci holding up the tattered old book.
"Wow … Swarek has a diary?" The thought obviously held an appeal, on so many levels. Traci had never thought of Sam Swarek as the writing down every thought and record your feelings kind of guy.
"No. I don't think so … I don't know what it is?"
"You wanna read it?" Traci's voice hit a high note as she sprung up and reached across the counter trying to grab it out of Andy's hand.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because ... it's private."
It looked to Traci like Andy was holding onto something that was going to burn her if she held it the wrong way. "Give it here and I'll read it to you."
"No. We're not reading it"
"Why not? He left you in his house … and if I read it out loud ... you will just happen to hear it?" Traci raised her eyebrows.
"Yes, he gave me somewhere to stay, not licence to go through his things." Andy dropped the book back into the drawer and slammed it shut.
"What's going on between you two?" Traci nodded her head toward the open newspaper on the coffee table, settled for the moment that she wasn't going to be able to get her hands on Swarek's diary.
"I found somewhere, had a look this morning. It's not far from the Barn and it's two bedroom, with wood floors and the south wall of the living room is floor to ceiling windows."
"So ..." Traci knew she had to sound only half interested. "You're not staying here?"
"It was just temporary."
"Do you think that Swarek wants it to be temporary?" Traci waited a moment before she glanced up to see that Andy had again paused.
"Sam wants a date."
"What?"
"He asked me out on a date. Well, at least I think he did."
"When?"
"When we were in his cover apartment."
"No! When's the date?"
"I don't know." Andy bit down on her bottom lip before she continued. "The last time I saw him ... we were talking ... he told me ... he said he'd be back as soon as he could and that if I still wanted he'd take me on that date."
"When do you think he'll be back?" Traci matched Andy's sad smile.
"How did we end up talking about Sam? I thought you were here to talk about Jerry."
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Three hours after she arrived and half a tub of ice cream and a glass of wine later, Andy closed the door behind Traci who at last check was going to move in with Jerry. If Leo agreed that is. That still left Andy faced with the kitchen, how could so little activity create such a mess. With cloth in one hand Andy started to pack everything into the dishwasher, something she didn't think was used very often when Sam was home. She could understand why, wasn't much of a point for just one person, but Andy packed the glasses, the plates and the spoons. It was as she picked the ice cream scoop up off the sink that her eyes darted back to the drawer that held the book.
Now she found herself focused solely on that drawer. "I liked it better when I had forgotten about you." She said to the drawer as she slowly pulled it open with her toe, as if it might jump out at her. This was followed by the equally silly gesture of checking over her shoulder before she bent down to retrieve the book.
So far, Andy had put the book back in the drawer, only to pull it out again almost straight away. She'd rested it on the kitchen counter and walked around it and now she found herself sitting on the edge of his bed. The book felt like it was staring at her from its current resting place on the nightstand.
"This is ridiculous!" Andy grabbed the book and pulled herself into a sitting position, legs crossed in the center of his bed.
It still took her another minute, turning the book over in her hands. She took in the once stiff cardboard covers now soft with age, the brand printing rubbed off. Her fingers traced the faint black lines where someone had written 'Sam' on the front cover; hesitantly she pulled the cover open to reveal a page with yellowed edges and a date written in a neat but slightly unsteady hand in the top right corner. August 83. He couldn't have been more than ten when he started this, however time and the lead pencil that was used made the writing hard to read. Andy could make out Gillian's name and that this book was somehow her idea.
As each page was turned the date progressed, almost daily to start with. Then the further into the book, the gap between the dates lengthened until he stopped recording the date at the top of each page. Even the early pages were neat, careful even. At one point it seemed to turn from just notes into music notes and what she guessed where lyrics or poems. The thought of Sam Swarek writing anything that could be called poetry caused her to laugh, her hand flying up to cover her mouth.
Andy flipped the book to the last page and start to flick through the blank pages, wanting to find his last entry. It didn't take long, there were only half a dozen blank pages at the back. Andy selected the second last page that Sam had written on. At the top in capital letters was the word WHY, he had underlined it several times. The next few lines were blank, with the exception of the black dots, where the end of a pen had been repeatedly been tapped against the page. It was the messiest page she'd seen in the whole book, even the pages from when he was a boy where exact.
The next few lines were simple, and managed to stab directly into her soul.
How could I act such a part
To love the one who breaks my heart
You come to me
But you never stay
She slammed the book shut and pushed it back onto the nightstand, as she tried to hold back the tears. The weight of his words pressing on her chest, Andy curled herself around a pillow as she lost the fight.
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Thank you and sorry it is short. 'How could I act such a part' line comes from a song by Wendy Matthews, the song is Beloved. It is a beautiful song if you ever have the time.