Chapter 4: Escape

"Oh yes! Spank me!" exalted the Carpet. "Spank me! Spank me! Spank me!"

Irene Ironfist let her rug beater fall. "Hey, I don't know whether this kind of thing is healthy for me. I'm only sixteen, y'know."

"What did you stop for? You must beat me!"

"Would you take a good look at yourself?" said the girl. "You're a flying carpet who's afraid of heights! You're into masochism in a way I don't want to even think about! You have some real issues!"

"Yes, I know," admitted the Carpet. "I know it's not right, that I've been bad. AND THAT'S WHY YOU MUST BEAT ME! Spank me some more! Yes, oh yes, spank me!"

Irene threw her rug beater into the air and walked away. "I truly cannot handle this."

۞

The door to the owner's cabin opened, and Ursa Beargrease stuck her head in. "'Scuse," she grunted. "I'm just on my way to bed, and I'm wonderin' if dere's anyt'hing you need first?" She was a great, thick woman with tree-trunk sized thighs and a tattoo on her arm boasting a heart and a banner which read, "Your name here $5."

"Mffmff gnnff," replied Sireen de Wowwow.

"Beg pardon?"

"Mffmff gnnff," said Sireen de Wowwow again.

"Ugh, I can't understand a single word you're sayin' wiff dat gag in yur mout'." She came over and untied the gag. "Now, wat were you sayin'?"

"Where's Ali Badhboi?"

"Oh, he left miss, along with that stupid monkey of his."

"Where'd he go?"

"Didn't say, miss."

"What about the Crystal of Katoosh? I suppose he took that with him."

"No miss. It's still down there in the wardroom."

"And the Flying Carpet?"

"Still afraid of heights, miss. Squeals like a pig if ya lift 'im more than a couple of inches off da floor."

"And the magic amulet?"

"I dunno noffin about no magic amulet. Never seen one. But my question, miss, is do you need anything before I turn in?"

"Yes, these manacles are beginning to chafe. Do you suppose you could loosen them for a few moments and let me get my circulation back?"

"Oh, I don't know, miss. No one told me I cud do dat."

"Did anyone say you couldn't?"

"Well, no miss. Dey didn't."

"There you go, then. They obviously left it up to your best judgment."

"Dey did, miss?"

"Oh yes, so go ahead. Or would you rather I lose both my hands when gangrene sets in? It'll be just for a few minutes."

"A few minutes? I guess dat wud be okay." Ursa waddled over to the nail on which the keys were kept, came back with them, and unlocked Sireen de Wowwow's manacles.

The pretty young woman almost gasped with pain as the blood began flowing through her wrists again. "May the gods bless you, Ursa," she said, right before she punched Ursa in the nose just as hard as she could.

The big woman took a step back. "What'd you do dat for, miss? I unlocked your manacles."

Sireen clasped both hands together and smashed them into the side of Ursa's face. Still no reaction. Sireen grabbed her coat rack and smashed it to splinters across Ursa's skull.

Finally a fist the size of a cantaloupe retaliated by crashing into Sireen's face, bouncing her off the far wall.

Sireen came stumbling back and head butted the other woman, uh, whose skull was about three times thicker than her own. Sireen gasped in pain and collapsed to her knees.

Ursa asked, "You gonna behave now?"

Sireen grabbed both of Ursa's heels and pulled hard. The big woman's feet were yanked out from underneath her, and she sat down hard on her coccyx.

Sireen leaped up, seized her gossamer azure veil from atop her dresser and ran from the room. She caromed along the passageways to the wardroom and burst through the door.

"Magic crystal!" she cried. "Where is the amulet?"

Around Ali Badhboi's neck answered an ethereal voice.

"And where is Ali Badhboi at this very minute?"

Headed for the Thieves' Guild.

"Camel puke!" she swore. As she spun back towards the passage, she same face-to-face with Ivan the Mediocre, who had his pants pulled down halfway over his boots. Sam of Zambingo was in his rack with his pillow piled on top of his head. D'rabb the D'reg had nothing on but his loincloth. She'd forgotten that the wardroom is where these three men bunked. She realized she was nearly naked, hurriedly buttoned her gossamer veil (which made her feel much better), and fled the room, pounding up the ladder to the main deck.

The exit down the gangplank was blocked, for that was where Ferrari had stationed his two trolls, Slagheap and Limestone. She turned, bounced off the nasty-tempered, smelly camel named You Bastard and raced up onto the quarterdeck.

Sinwell the Sailor was still stationed there. He made a dive for her, but Sireen made a leap over his outstretched arm, got to the stern railing, climbed up and jumped off.

She almost twisted her ankle on the river when she landed. She stumbled in the sludge and waded across it as fast as she could for the shore. Once she got onto dry land, she took off running, hoping she could find some water with which to wash the river off of her.

۞

Lance-Corporal Detritus dumped Fingers LaFoote and Scarface Higgins, semi-conscious, onto the floor at Sgt. Angua's feet. "I arrested dese two for sleeping on de streets."

"We weren't sleeping," moaned Fingers. "We were mugged."

"Fingers!" gasped Scarface. "They stole all our money! Every pence we had!"

"Hmm," grunted Detritus. "No money? We better add vagrancy to de charges, too."

"It's not our fault, ya big dolt! We were set upon, beaten and robbed!"

"Didja get a receipt?"

"A receipt? Are you mad?"

"Uh, Fingers? Lookee here." Scarface passed over a small chit of paper.

Fingers LaFoote looked at it, and then looked at it again. "Yeah, uh, we got a receipt." He passed it over to Detritus. "What kind of crazy thieves hand out receipts?"

"Oh they have to," Angua informed him. "It's the law."