Chapter 6: Break In

Lefty's companion Thug may not have been the brightest star in the Discworld sky; he may have been unreliable and almost totally lacking in hygiene skills; and he may have been as graceful as a drunken rhinoceros tumbling down a flight of wood stairs, but he made a great horsy.

Lefty's newly-found son squealed with delight as the big man reared up, pawed the air and neighed. Then Thug and the lad went galumphing across the tiny living room.

Pricilla looked over at Lefty. "So, where have you been all these years?" she asked.

He shrugged. "All over really. Quirm, Pseudopolis, Sto Helit, Howondaland, al-Khali. You name it; I've been there."

"And you're back now? For good?"

"Oh. No, er, no. We just came to, uh, pick up a passenger and then we're back to sea. I'm a coastal trader now, sailing from one town to the next."

"Ah, I see. A girl in every port, is it?"

"Oh no, no, no! I mean, I wish. No, no, I don't wish. I mean I wish I had the time. We keep pretty busy mostly."

Thug asked, "Why don't you stay here?"

"What?"

"Well look what you got here. You gotta lovely lady, and a great kid. What more could a man want?"

"We gotta be back to the ship in just a couple of hours, Thug. You know that!"

"So jump ship. Look at her, Lefty. She's gorgeous! What do you want to hang around with us ugly guys for? If I had a lady like that, I'd be gone before you could blink once and fart twice."

"How am I gonna support them?"

Thug retorted, "How you gonna teach your kid to play catch if you're sailing around with me? How you gonna teach him how to tie his shoe? How you gonna take him to the zoo?"

"The zoo! The zoo! That's a great idea! We should take him to the zoo! Quick, where's his jacket?"

Pricilla frowned. "You mean now? It's the middle of the flippin' night!"

"Best time for it," said Lefty. He spotted the little jacket and tossed it to Thug. "No crowds. We'll have the place to ourselves."

"But the place will be closed. The gates will be locked."

"Hey! When did that ever stop me?"

Pricilla shook her head violently. "Oh no, Peter. No, no, no, no!"

۞

Sireen de Wowwow ran up to the main entrance of the Thieves' Guild and pounded on the heavy iron-banded door.

After a moment, an eye slit slid open. "Yeah?"

Sireen was almost bent over double as she gasped for breath. "Where is he?" she panted.

"Where's who?" The voice inside the door sounded as if it were echoing up out of an empty wine barrel.

"Ali Badhboi."

"Um, try Klatch."

"No! He's here in this city! He's coming here tonight! He's probably here now!"

"I ain't seen nobody."

"He's here now, I tell you! I followed him here!"

"Whoop-de-doo. And who the heck are you?"

"Sireen de Wowwow."

There was a long pause. "The Sireen de Wowwow?"

"Just how many Sireen de Wowwows do you think there are in the world?" she snapped.

The guard moved his eye up and down in the slit. Then there was a rattle as he unlocked, unbolted and unchained the door. As the heavy door swung open, a face which looked as if it was the result of an industrial accident grinned out at her. "Come in! Come in, please, Miss de Wowwow. Can I get you anything? A cup of tea, perhaps?"
She looked around at the big, empty room. "You've been here all night?"

"Yeah."

"And this is the only door?"

"On de ground floor, year. We got some more upstairs, but dey're all chained closed at night. You can check 'em if you like. Now, how 'bout dat cup o' tea?"

"You haven't seen anybody?"

"We got some guards dogs running around de place. I seen dem. An' one of dem barked for a while earlier. Dat cudda been him tryin' to get in. But it didn't last long, and we're all secured. I checked."

(Neither Sireen de Wowwow nor the guard noticed the dark figure who slipped in through the open door while they were talking.)

"But I know he was coming here."

"What for?"

"I dunno. He said something about treasure. Do you guys have any treasure maps or anything like that?"

The guard chuckled. "Lady, we ain't prospectors; we're thieves. Besides, it's a well-known fact dat dere ain't no treasure in Anhk-Morpork. If dere was, someone would have already stolen it."

She looked around the room. It was spacious and airy. Into one wall was built a massive safe with more locks on it than seemed possible. (Apparently, thieves don't trust people.) That steel and concrete fortress was where most Anhk-Morpork thieves kept their booty. A glistening mahogany and brass counter stretched across that end of the room where, during regular hours, a battery of tellers took the deposits. There was a gaggle of comfortable couches in the middle of the room for clients, and scattered around the periphery were a dozen or so desks. No one could move in this room without everyone one else seeing.

The center of the room was two stories high. Around the top of the central core were the executive offices with windows which looked down on the floor below.

Sireen de Wowwow pointed up the plush carpeted stairs to the executive offices. "May I check to offices above us?" she asked.

"No." Both Sireen and the guard turned to see a six-foot six-inch dwarf standing in the open doorway. He wore the uniform of a captain of the City Watch. Into the light, stepped Carrot Ironfoundersson. "She's playing you for a fool."

"What?" gulped the guard.

"What?" Sireen de Wowwow echoed.

"She's distracting you while her accomplice does what accomplices do." He reached into a patch of darkness and plucked out Ali Badhboi. "You two are under arrest," Carrott announced. "You have the right to remain silent . . ."

۞

Crackers, the Klatchian octorine parrot, looked up at the high wall surrounding the Anhk-Morpork Zoo. "Onwards and upwards," he urged.

Now that they were actually here, Doc wasn't so sure. "What do you think, Slick?"

Slick McGumm shrugged. "It's why we're here, right?"

"Shhh!" They dodged deeper into the shadows.

A group of people was coming up the road. It turned out to be Lefty, holding hands with a pretty young woman, and Thug with a small boy perched high atop his gigantic shoulders.

Doc handed Crackers over to Slick and whispered, "Wait here." He moved out of the shadows and over towards the approaching group. "So what's with the tart and the kid?"

Lefty blushed. "They're my family, Doc."

The gaunt man lifted an eyebrow. "So you just thought you'd bring them along?"

"Peter?" asked Pricilla. "What's going on?"

Doc ignored her. "Have you seen Fingers or Scarface?"

"Naw, Doc. I've been with my family, like I said."

"Peter?" Anger was growing in Pricilla's voice.

Doc frowned. "Who's this Peter guy?"

"It's me, Doc."

"You mean . . . it's like an alias?"

"Peter's my real name. Lefty is my alias."

"You're real name isn't Lefty?"

"No, Doc."

"Geez, you think you know a guy." Doc led them back to where Slick and Crackers were waiting in the dark. "No one's seen Fingers or Scarface," Doc told them.

Slick gazed down the street. "I wonder if the cops got 'em."

"Peter, you said we were going to the zoo."

"And we're here, ain't we?"

"You're taking me and your son on a heist?"

"What? Don't be ridiculous. We're only casing the joint."

Doc squinted upwards. "So Lefty, what's your kid's name?"

"Uh," replied Lefty. He thought about this. "Uh . . ."

"Peter Junior," said Pricilla.

Doc asked, "Do you think if we chucked Peter Junior over the wall that he could walk over and unlock the gates for us?"

Pricilla snatched the boy up. "No!"

"Hmmmm, then how are we gonna climb this wall?"

Slick scratched his head. "Fingers was supposed to pick the lock."

"Well, he's not here, is he?"

"Why don't I give it a try?" suggested Lefty.

Thug gaped. "You know how to pick locks?"

Pricilla glared. "You know how to pick locks?"

"In my youth," explained Lefty to her. "Before I met you. But that's all behind me now. Now, I'm just an honest coastal trader."

"Who's breaking into the city zoo."

"Well yeah, there is that." He gulped and decided he needed to get some distance between him and Pricilla, and so he hurried over to the gate. He got down on one knee and studied the lock. "Man, this looks really hard. You people should make yourself comfortable. This is going to take a while." He took out his pocket knife and inserted the blade into the lock. When he wiggled the blade around a bit, the gate popped open.

"Hey, Lefty!" grinned Thug. "Good job!" He led the way into the zoo.

Doc, Crackers and Slick followed.

Lefty held the gate for Pricillia.

"Oh no," she retorted, heading the other way. "No way you're going to get me to break and enter."

"Hey Pricilla," called Thug as he walked deeper into the zoo. "You want your kid back?"

Air hissed in frustration between her teeth. She turned back and strode angrily into the zoo with Lefty following and closing the gate behind them.