A/N-Sorry this took a little bit longer than I'd planned but I guess life got in the way. Thanks to everyone left a review! Your comments/ideas/suggestions really keep me motivated and helps me make sure I'm keeping this story on track. This chapter should move along the relationship a little bit...not in a romantic way (not yet anyways)...but it definitely establishes more trust between them. Hope you enjoy!
LOVE SONG
Chapter Five
The next morning it was business as usual. She went about her normal routine—shower, coffee, breakfast, feed Jake—and no matter what she did, she couldn't shake the anxiousness. It had started as soon as she woke up; she just felt jittery, restless, and had to stop herself from pacing around her apartment to calm her nerves. And although she would never admit it to herself, she knew exactly why this anxious feeling had taken such strong hold of her entire morning.
She had gotten all the way to the backroom to get the cash drawer out of the safe when she heard the sound of the motorcycle engine and Jake's barking. She almost dropped the cash drawer right on the floor at the sound. Her nerves were officially rattled and she had to grab tight hold of the door knob to steady herself. The previous day's events were still fresh in her mind and she wasn't sure how to handle his presence back in the store, especially so god damn early in the morning. She'd barely had time to finish her coffee let alone figure out how to deal with him.
With a deep breath and an even deeper exhale, she gripped the cash drawer tightly with both hands and headed for the front of the store to let him in. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking and she could already see him peering into the window to see if she was there. His eyes widened slightly when he saw her and then he was gone, probably to stand by the door. There was a tight, clenching sensation in her chest that was more than a little alarming; the last time she'd had this same feeling, she'd been about to sign the lease for the store. She'd been so overwhelmed with ruminations of everything that could possibly go wrong, of all the ways she could fail, that she'd had to run into the bathroom to ride it out. That was the first and only time she'd ever had a panic attack. And now she had a sinking feeling there might be another one on the way.
Jake, having intuitively known who was waiting on the other side, pawed at the door and whimpered a little.
"Oh stop," she scolded him softly. "You've known the guy what—two days and already you're throwing yourself at his feet—what a whore you are, Jake."
Jake just stared up at her; she could tell he had at the very least understood her tone but didn't care. He just kept pawing at the door, waiting for her to let his buddy in.
With another sigh, she unlocked the door and opened it quickly to let him in. He stood there for a moment, like he was unsure what to do, and then Jake solved the problem for both of them as he leapt at Jax with both front legs.
"Whoa—hey there buddy; how's it goin'?" Jax laughed. He pushed Jake down and ruffled the hair on the top of his head. Jake responded by licking him right on the cheek, causing Jax to laugh again and wipe the dog spit off his face. He glanced up at her, still with a smile on his face but that quickly faded when he noticed the blank expression on her face. For a moment, their eyes were focused on each other and she felt like he was looking right through her, right through the hardened mask she'd been fighting so hard to keep put.
"Hey Kate." He said finally. He was still looking right through her with those intense blue eyes that unnerved her. She watched carefully as he rocked back on his heels a few times, ran a hand through his hair—was he nervous too?—and still kept his eyes steadily on hers. Unlike previous encounters with him, there was no challenge in his gaze, no hint of pity, guilt, or even desperation to make her understand his point of view. It was if the playing field had shifted and they were suddenly on more equal ground, even if he still had a slight advantage in this game. She wasn't entirely sure when or where this shift had taken place and she also wasn't entirely sure what to make of this shift—would this help her or ultimately come back to bite her in the ass in the end?
"Hi Jax," she whispered finally and quickly averted her eyes away to Jake, who was running in between Jax's legs, to anything really but him. He was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.
Like always, he seemed to immediately pick on this and took a few steps into the store, putting some space between them. When she saw the direction he was heading, she found herself biting back a soft smile. He was headed straight for the café, more specifically—the brand new platter of cookies she'd just put out. Go figure. And as she watched him inspect the contents of display case, she realized that his presence had temporarily kept the panic at bay. That tightening feeling in her chest, the one that made her want to run straight for the bathroom, was no where to be found now that he was in the store, albeit a comfortable distance away from her. Go figure again.
"Alright, alright—hold on." She laughed as she quickly covered the distance from the front door to the café counter.
He already had his head lowered right to the new platter and a big smile spread across his face at her words.
"You know, it's still amazing to me," she laughed again. "Guys are happy with the littlest things…"
He looked up at her and grinned. "Yeah, well I could probably say the same thing about chicks too."
She just rolled her eyes and shook her head with a low chuckle. "Uh huh. Sure. You mean, crow eaters?"
He chewed on the inside of his cheek to hide his grin, and possibly his surprise too, at her animated response. She rarely unleashed this charming, fun side to her and at this point, he figured he knew her well enough already to not take it for granted.
"Nah…crow eaters are a little more, uh, demanding from time to time." He retorted with a lop-sided grin.
"Well, I guess you would know, wouldn't you?"
His eyes widened a little at her brazenness; he hadn't really been expecting that response but then again, he was quickly finding that she more than a little difficult to figure out.
"Ah…you got me there, darlin'."
There he went again with that 'darlin'' shit. She wanted to believe his use of that terminology with her was more condescending than anything. But, unfortunately, her gut was telling her it wasn't intended to be condescending at all. She knew, albeit begrudgingly, that he wasn't speaking to her the same way he would to a crow eater, or a sweet butt, or whatever they were called. So for lack of a better response, she slid the door open and grabbed one he'd had his eye on.
"Here, I think this was what you were looking for." She said lightly as she handed it over.
He grabbed for it with one hand and reached into his back pocket for his wallet with the other. She immediately put a hand out to stop him.
"Jax, why don't we make a deal? I'll let you pay for your meals, but the cookies are on me, alright?"
He grinned widely, making full eye contact with her for the first time since she'd met him at the counter. He nodded his agreement to their arrangement and took a big bite out of his free cookie, gouging out at least half of it in one bite.
She felt a slight flutter, a twinge of something in her as she watched him enjoy her baking and then quickly shook herself out of it. She needed to just forget she had ever felt that. It didn't take a genius to know that she was suddenly treading on much more treacherous ground than when Jax and Clay had first appeared at her door.
"Alright," Jax muffled through a half-full mouth in between bites. "So what can I do? Put me to work."
She chewed on her lip in thought. "Well, there should be a shipment of inventory—actual inventory—sometime after lunch. I wouldn't mind some help moving it around the store."
He nodded immediately, taking mental note of her biting sarcasm with the word 'inventory', and wiped his hands on his jeans. "Sounds like a plan."
He moved away from the counter, again giving her some much needed space, and headed for the back door, most likely to check on some 'things' in the basement, Jake right on his heels. She had to shake her head again at her dog—she was still reeling at his behavior around Jax, especially given the fact that he had always been testy about any guy that came within ten feet of her after…well, after. Just one more piece of the puzzle that just didn't make any sense to her.
Thankfully, Jax remained in the basement with Jake for the rest of the morning. That gave her the chance to catch her breath a little and get some work done since all this unnecessary drama with the club was already putting her a little behind with some of the upgrades she was hoping to make. There were some new recipes she wanted to try in the café and she had had finally started the process of re-organizing the layout of the store but she'd been getting a little side-tracked as of late. She supposed if anything good could possibly from this pile of shit arrangement, at the very least she could get a little extra help getting some of those things done without having to dip into her very limited funds to do it. She was still going to be paying for it, of course.
The more she thought about everything , the more that anxious feeling crept up and down her spine. It was starting to catch up with her again and she'd been putting up such a good front too. She'd been trying so hard to keep everything at bay, to keep her emotions in check and it was so god damn hard when she was alone with her thoughts. She thought about Jax, who had been trying so hard to make amends from the day before even though she'd been the one who told him to fuck himself. He hadn't deserved that then and he didn't deserve that now. Because unlike everyone else in the club, as far as she could tell, he was the only one who actually seemed to be on her side—at least as much as he could possibly be. He was treating her like a human being and she knew she couldn't put a price on that right now. Besides, the expression on his face when she'd let the bomb drop was starting to eat away at her. Guilt had never sat well with her and she wasn't having an easy time with it now.
She didn't know how much more of this she could handle in such a short amount of time, especially as that tightening feeling in her chest grew stronger and stronger.
When the UPS truck groaned to a stop outside the back door, Jax came jogging up the basement steps with Jake trotting lightly behind him. She watched tensely as he helped the delivery man unload each box into the storage area, wondering how he was able to mold himself into her life so easily. Her eyes followed him wearily as he chatted up the delivery man like they were old pals, his strong muscles flexing with every lift of a box.
So instead of watching anymore, she turned on her heel and headed back towards the front counter. There was a customer standing near the register waiting for some help and it was a more than welcome distraction from the back of the store. The last thing she needed to do was stand there and gawk like a sixteen-year-old.
When she heard the UPS truck pull away from the store, she glanced up from the counter to see Jax headed up one of the aisles, Jake close on his heels. There was a fleeting moment when she felt that flutter again as she watched them moving towards her—Jax with that lop-sided grin and Jake with his tongue hanging out in his own sort of grin—and she had to push it down again. Forget she ever felt it. She didn't have the energy or the willpower to figure out what that fluttering was or what it meant. She was too afraid to find out anyways.
"So…what do we do with all the 'inventory'?" Jax said with a smile, putting extra emphasis on the word 'inventory'.
"Well, first I have to make sure everything that's supposed to be there is actually there. Then I put it out on the shelf."
"You mean we put it out on the shelf." He replied easily, crossing his arms over his chest in mock-defiance. "I told you to put me to work and I can do more than just move some boxes off a truck."
"Alright, we put it out on the shelf." She was beyond the point of arguing. Besides, she knew he'd just do whatever he wanted anyways.
He grinned wildly at this victory, albeit a small one, and jogged back down the aisle to the storage room. She had to chuckle at his enthusiasm. Putting new inventory out definitely wasn't her favorite task at the store and if anything, she was relieved to have a little help with it. Even though she could feel her freedom…and her defenses…slowly slipping away as each minute ticked by. Jax's presence in her life wasn't something she'd wanted or needed up until three days ago and now, in spite of everything that had went down and her current situation, he was making good on his promise to make her feel anything but imprisoned. He was here to keep an eye on the club's own kind of inventory but she was quickly realizing that he was here to protect her too. From what, she wasn't sure she wanted or needed to know. He was there and she supposed she should be at least a little grateful for what he was doing for her. And she had been treating him like absolute shit—taking everything out on the one person who was actually trying to protect her.
Not to mention the fact that her nerves were already frayed from the previous night's confrontation with Gemma. Everything felt on edge, like she was going to crack at the slightest thing. She could feel the nervous breakdown coming on—she'd never had one before but she had an idea of what they felt like. The tightening of her chest, the panic creeping up the back of her neck, the stress weighing down her entire body. She'd felt it coming the moment she heard the motorcycle engines in the dead of the night and it was still coming on now. The fact that she was very aware of what was happening to her only made things worse. And she was trying desperately to push it down again, to keep the tears from flowing, to stop herself from crumbling to the floor and her energy was quickly fading.
Thankfully, Jax's voice rescued her from her thoughts.
"So, how do I know where I'm supposed to put everything?"
"Well—I can tell you what section each box goes to and then they just go in alphabetical order."
He nodded. "Alright, that doesn't seem too bad."
She nodded absent-mindedly. "Yeah."
She barely noticed that he was chewing nervously on his cheek, watching her with concerned blue eyes. He pushed the hair back from his face and rocked back a little on his heels.
"So…everything alright, Kate?" He asked quietly, still watching her, still looking right through her.
Her head snapped up at his words. "What?"
"You've been a little out of it ever since I got here this morning." He shrugged, rocking back on his heels again.
She just shook her head. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it…we've got some stuff to do here anyways."
That chest tightening, panic creeping, stress inducing feeling was back again. It was all coming down at her at once: illegal activity going on in her store, the knowledge that the store wasn't really hers, her dissolving freedom from Samcro's life of violence and crime, Gemma's suspicions and veiled accusations, and the overwhelming presence of Jax. It was too much. It was way more than any one person could handle in the span of three days. Her breathing was getting a little heavier and she pressed a hand into her chest in an attempt to ease the throbbing pain there. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing the tears to stay put and rubbed her forehead with her free hand.
Jax was immediately on alert, knowing something was going wrong here. He took a cautious step closer to her with wide eyes, and she quickly put her hands out to stop him from getting any closer.
"I'm fine…I…I just need a minute. I'll be right back."
She stepped around him and walked briskly towards the bathroom, not realizing that he was following right behind her. She flung the bathroom door open and staggered a few steps closer to the sink, gripping the edges tightly to steady herself. She could feel the tiny fissures that had crept steadily through her resolve start to make complete cracks and her legs started to shake beneath her. Without warning, a pair of strong arms wrapped around her. He turned her around and pulled her closer to him as her head leaned against the crook of his shoulder. His arms tightened around her and she felt a hand in her hair as the tears finally started to fall. Her shoulders began to shake softly and his hand moved lightly around her hair, pulling her a little closer, trying to comfort her.
She sobbed quietly into his shoulder and clung to him to keep her on her feet. Everything that had been building up inside her was finally out of her and rolling down her cheeks in a kind of bittersweet catharsis. All at once, she felt better and she felt worse at the same time. While she was finally releasing the tension and immense stress of the last three days, that still neither helped nor changed her current situation. At least she felt better. That's what she had to hang to right now. She wouldn't let herself take in what it felt like to have Jax's strong arms wrapped tightly around her and to have his hands in her hair, lightly massaging her head to comfort her. She couldn't process that right now.
She sighed as she leaned into his shoulder, finally feeling herself calm down and finally feeling how safe she felt in his arms. For the first time, she breathed him in and was pleasantly surprised to find that mix of gasoline, sweat, and whatever kind of deodorant he wore to be incredibly soothing. She had no idea what she'd expected him to smell like, she hadn't really thought she'd ever get that close anyways, and just being that close now and the fact that it was so easy was enough to make her back up, loosening his hold on her.
His arms carefully untangled themselves from around her and he rubbed her arms gently as his concerned eyes peered into hers to make sure she was going to be okay. She continued to back up until her back hit the wall and she slowly slid down to the ground; Jax followed suit and was careful to keep a good foot of space between them as they sat together on the floor of the store's bathroom. They just sat there, her staring ahead at the wall and him chewing nervously on the inside of his cheek.
"I'm sorry," she whispered finally, unable to turn to look at him but she could already see him shaking his head.
"No," he replied hoarsely. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
She sighed and rubbed her legs anxiously. "Yes I do. I've been…I shouldn't have said the things I said to you yesterday. You've been…well, for lack of a better word…really nice to me the last couple of days and maybe it's just because I didn't expect that from you or I'm just in shock or still dealing with all this but you didn't deserve to be spoken to like that."
He was silent for a moment as he took in everything she said, still chewing on the inside of his cheek. "Like I said, you don't have anything to be sorry for. Hell, if the roles were reversed, I don't think I'd even have been half as calm about all this shit as you."
She laughed bitterly and shook her head. "Calm? Yeah right. Just because I've been putting on a brave face doesn't mean anything. I've felt like I was going to vomit, tear out my hair, and have a panic attack all at the same time ever since all this shit started. One of those things has actually happened now so I guess we'll have to start a countdown until the other two come into play."
"Most people would have either bailed, had a nervous breakdown, or called the cops long before…well, before you took some time here just now. There's no shame in needing a couple minutes, Kate. Most people would need a hell of a lot more than that."
"Still doesn't change anything though."
He just shrugged and tucked some stray hair behind his ear. "Maybe not but at least you feel better, right?"
She smiled softly and nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do…I really am sorry for telling you to fuck yourself. I meant it but I didn't, you know?"
He laughed lightly and grinned at her, both of them making eye contact for the first time since they'd sat down. "Yeah, I know. You're not the bad guy here, Kate. Hell, I'm the one that's screwing with your life right now. You have every right to put me and the club in our place. We shouldn't be taking advantage of you like this…I'm the one who needs to apologize."
She just sighed and shook her head. "You already have, Jax. Besides, I know if there was something you could do, you would so what difference does it make, anyways? We could play the 'what if' game until we're blue in the face and it wouldn't make a difference. I know I just need to suck it up and wait for all this shit to be over so my life can go back to normal. I just wish I knew when that was going to happen."
"I wish I had an answer for you," he sighed. "But I don't think anyone really knows that right now."
She nodded and again, a more comfortable silence emerged between them. After all this, some of the underlying tension and uneasiness between them had subsided a little. Whether she liked it or not, something had changed the moment he put his arms around and she started crying into his shoulder.
"Hey," he broke through her thoughts. "Why don't you go upstairs and rest for awhile? Take a nap, watch some TV, relax a little…I can hold down the fort for the rest of the day. If you just point in the direction where some of those boxes need to go, I can handle the rest."
She frowned and bit her lip as she contemplated his suggestion. "What about the customers? Have you ever used a cash register before?"
"So, you scan the barcode, hit enter, and give them their change, right?" He laughed. "I think I can figure it out. Hey, if I have questions, I'll just call. It's not like you're going to be that far away, right?"
"Right…" she trailed off, feeling very uneasy about leaving her store in the hands of biker guy who didn't know the first thing about using a cash register, let alone customer service in a bookstore. But then again, she had no idea when she was going to have another chance to have some time off. She hadn't had any real time off in…way, way too long. Almost two years. Maybe part of her breakdown today had something to do with the fact that she was practically working herself to the bone and was already under enough stress managing a business on her own. All she'd needed was one more push in the wrong direction. And here she'd thought had been doing so well on her own.
Maybe a little rest, even if it was just for a couple of hours, would be good for her.
"So you'll man the store for the rest of the day…?" She asked slowly.
He held up his hands in defense. "I promise—no fights, no fires, no crimes…scout's honor."
She was still a little unsure about this whole thing. She wanted and needed the break but still…
"Alright," she conceded with a sigh. "But if you're not sure about anything—call me. Please."
"Sure thing, darlin'." He grinned.
She was too tired to deal with that shit too. Enough was enough. It was time for bed.
"Whatever…I'm going to take a nap but again, don't hesitate to call if you need some help." She called over her shoulder as she headed for the stairs to her apartment.
"Got it, boss."
When she finally collapsed into bed, it took her a moment to realize just how exhausted she was. Her whole body felt like it had been hit by a truck and as Jake curled up against her, she laid her head against him, finally feeling her body begin to relax. Everything just kind of faded away and it felt so good. It wasn't going to be a full day's rest but hell, this was good as it was going to get and since she'd already left the store in some slightly questionable hands, she figured there was no going back now. Might as well milk this for all it was worth. Within moments, she was sleeping soundly with Jake tucked under her arm and keeping watch over her as she slept.
By quarter to seven, she finally rolled over and glanced at the clock. With a sigh, she pulled the covers back and padded down to the store. She was almost afraid to go down there; Jax had had run of the whole store for almost eight hours and she couldn't stop herself from conjuring up images of rows of books on fire, shelves knocked over, and customers screaming at her for leaving her store for even a second.
But as Jake pulled out in front her and raced towards the front of the store, she looked around in complete bewilderment. The place was still standing and nothing was on fire. Wonders never cease.
When she caught sight of Jax, he nodded and winked at her as he handed a bag to a customer. Her eyes widened with surprise as he wished the customer a good night and thanked him for visiting the store. He shut the cash register, hit a few buttons and then walked out behind the counter to greet her.
"Hey," he grinned, bending down to ruffle Jake's fur as he spoke. "Get a good rest?"
She nodded with a small smile, once again feeling some sort of pull as she watched him with her dog. "Yeah. It was just what I needed actually. Everything go ok here?"
He grinned up at her with a sly smile. "Of course. Who do you think you're talkin' to here? Now, I'll admit it took me a few turns to figure out how all that computer shit worked but I got it. At least enough to handle the basics. And I'm happy to tell you that I figured out how to work the coffee machine too."
Her eyebrows raised and she had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing. He was so damn proud of himself it was almost cute. "Wow. So you can be trained."
He winked at her again. "I guess so."
With another sigh, she headed into the café to start cleaning up and closing everything down.
"Anything I can help with?" Jax called from the other side of the store.
"Um…" She rested a hand in her hip as she chewed on her lip in thought. "Well, you can probably lock the doors. You don't have to do anything with the computer…I can handle that. Um…would you mind taking a quick sweep around the floor with the vacuum?"
He just shrugged. "Sure thing."
They both set to work and by the time it was officially closing time, everything was done. She sighed and collapsed into a nearby chair in the café.
"Well, we made it through another day." Jax said softly from behind her. He pulled out the chair across from her and dropped himself into it. He looked just as tired as she felt. It seemed like the stress of the last few days had taken its toll on him too.
"Yeah, I guess we did." She replied softly.
"I really need a drink." He sighed.
She laughed weakly and nodded. "Yeah, same here."
He seemed to perk up a little and shifted forward in his chair. "Hey, where could we go for a couple? There's gotta be somewhere close by. I need a beer."
"Was it really that bad today?"
He frowned and tilted his head to one side. "What? No. It's not that at all. It's just…shit's been rough lately. Hard times calls for hard drinks, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "I know what you mean. Well, there's a place right down the street. It's kind of a dive but…"
"Sounds like it's right up my alley, darlin'. Let's get outta here." He said with a wide grin.
She couldn't help but grin back. "Alright."
"You know how to play and everything, right?"
"Jesus Christ, I wouldn't have asked if you wanted to play pool if I didn't know how."
Jax grimaced and took a quick pull from his beer. "Right. You're breakin' then."
"Fine. Right after you get another round. It's your turn to buy, you know." She replied with some sass. He cocked an eyebrow her way before turning on his heel and getting two more beers from the bartender.
The alcohol was giving her some renewed energy and despite her better judgment, she was having a pretty good time. Next to the afternoon off earlier that day, letting loose was making her feel a little bit better. Even if she'd had some time to do this before, she hadn't really had anyone to do it with before now. She hadn't ever been to this particular bar before but Jax certainly fit right in, even if she didn't. There were multiple bikes parked out front and the place itself was a little rough but she'd been to slightly worse establishments before in college. The only difference was that those times she'd been with a huge group of friends for some girls' nights and not with biker guy, even if he wasn't wearing his cut.
By the time Jax was back with their drinks, she'd already taken the first shot and hit a ball in. Jax stood there for a moment with a confused expression on his face as if he was trying to reconcile that she could, in fact, play a pretty good game of pool. Not to mention put away more than a couple of beers. It was a good thing they had walked over from the store because neither one of them was going to capable of driving by the night's end.
"So…I assume you didn't hone your pool skills at a martini bar in college." He stated evenly.
She laughed and handed him the stick for his turn. "Something like that, yeah."
"Were you a party girl, Kate?" He teased, looking up at her as he leaned closer to the table to take his shot.
She took a pull from her beer and turned it around a couple of times in her hand before answering. "I wouldn't exactly call myself a party girl. I didn't even really drink all that much until my junior year and I figured out pretty quickly that parties, well at least the kind of house parties at my school, were pretty lame."
"Bars then, huh?" He leaned against the pool stick while he listened with a smile.
"Yeah, all my friends got fakes so of course, I had to get one too. When my last semester of school rolled around, I think somewhere along the way I realized that that was my last real opportunity to party so we all starting going out Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays…sometimes Wednesdays if one of us was having a rough day. I guess if I ever really partied, it was then. Got it all out of my system…when you graduate and have to be solely responsible for a business, you don't really have room on the agenda for partying, you know? Have to be a grown up."
His eye brows rose and a sly grin spread across his face. "Wow…I guess you really do learn something new every day."
"What do you mean?"
He handed the pool stick back to her and grinned. "I wouldn't have pegged you for the type to do that kind of hard partying."
"Hey," she laughed. "In my defense, it's not like I came home falling down drunk every night. Most of the time it was just to blow off steam with the girls…just having some fun."
"Do you ever see them? Your friends from school?"
She shook her head with sad smile. "Not really. Everyone's got their own lives, some of them have families, some of them moved pretty far away too…I guess life just happened is all. Besides, even if that wasn't the case I still wouldn't have much time for friends anyways."
He nodded slowly, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He took another pull from his beer and leaned down on the table with both arms spread out. "Me neither, if it makes you feel any better."
"What're you talking about? You have the club, right?"
He shook his head. "Nah, it's not really the same thing as what you were talkin' about. Things have been a little…complicated…with the club anyways."
"I guess that explains all the tension at dinner last night."
He frowned and waited until he took his next shot before responding. "Sorry you had to deal with that shit last night. I know Gemma was her usual charming self."
She laughed lightly and took another drink. "She was completely frightening."
"Is that why you took off then?" He was looking straight at her now, his eyes watching her with more intensity than before.
She shifted nervously under his gaze and bit her lip. "I just kinda needed to get out of there. I guess being the daughter of one of the first nine and a dead porn producer isn't enough to earn the club's trust but seems to be enough to condemn me, right?"
"It's not like that, Kate. I know she's got a fucked up way of doing it but she was just trying to look out for everybody. It wasn't anything against you…it's just a shitty situation."
It took a moment before she could answer. "I guess."
"Hey…" he leaned over the table so he could get a little closer. "I know you need to split but the next time you need to take a ride into Charming, can you please…just for the sake of my sanity…let me at least follow you home?"
"Why?" She hadn't meant it to be a challenge but it almost sounded like one.
"We still need to be careful, especially in Charming. Just because the last couple of days have gone smooth doesn't necessarily mean all this shit is in the clear. I gotta make sure you're safe and that no one is following you home."
"Wow, way to kill my buzz, Jax. I think you owe me another drink just for that."
He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "So…you understand though, right?"
"Yeah."
She took her shot and swore under her breath when she missed. Neither one really knew what to say for a while as Jax had effectively killed both their buzzes with the sudden sober change in subject. She'd been having such a great time, letting loose, having a couple of beers…
"You know, it's been a really long time since I've had a chance to go somewhere and have a couple of beers, play a little pool…thanks for taking me."
He nodded slowly. "Sorry I'm being such a buzz kill."
"Don't worry about it…hey, how's your son doing? Gemma told me a little bit about what happened when he was born…"
His eyebrows rose slightly. "Well…you must have getting along a little bit if she started talkin' about Abel."
"I guess," she laughed. "But, seriously, how's he doing? You probably haven't been able to see him much the last couple of days."
"He's a tough little guy, that's for sure. And hey, don't worry about me not being able to see him…he's got my mom and a nanny to help me out. Things will settle down…you just gotta give it a couple more days and you won't be seein' so much of me."
"Oh…ok."
"Did Gemma tell you about Abel's mom too?" He asked quietly.
"A little bit," she nodded. "I'm sorry about all that…I can't imagine what that must have been like when he was born. A junkie for a mom…I can relate."
"Yeah," he replied slowly, still watching her carefully. "You know, the next time you get into Charming, you should come by my house and meet him."
"I'd like that."
"Good." He smiled softly. "You know...while I'm thinkin' of it, the club is throwing me a birthday party next week. You should come."
Her heart twisted a little in her chest. Going out for a couple of beers with Jax was one thing. It was a way to blow off steam, it was on her turf, and her apartment was right down the street. It was another thing completely to show up at a club sponsored party. That was getting too close for comfort to the club and everything else that went along with it. Part of her wanted to go, but then she realized how dangerous that could potentially be, in more ways than one.
"You think about it…let me know, ok?" He went on with a smile, having picked up on her hesitation.
"Sure." She responded weakly.
"Why don't you finish that beer…it's probably getting past your bedtime, right?" He grinned.
"Shut up," she laughed. "But yeah, I guess we should get going."
He watched with somewhat disbelieving eyes as she chugged the rest of her beer. He chuckled to himself as he followed her out the door and headed back towards her apartment. It was less than a block away but in the darkness, it felt like much longer. She shivered a little, suddenly wishing she had remembered to grab a jacket. She felt cold but it wasn't necessarily because of the chilly night.
Jax seemed to sense this and without either of them really realizing, he moved a little closer to her as they continued walking down the street.
"You feel safe here, right?" He asked quietly.
She closed her eyes for a moment and rubbed her hands against her arms to warm herself up a little. That was a loaded question and there were too many different ways to interpret it and too many different ways she could answer it. Up until three days ago, she'd been managing. She'd been surviving. She'd been as far away from the club as she could possibly get. And now that the club had pushed itself back into her life, everything had crumbled. Her resolve, her defenses, her independence, her nerves…it hadn't taken very long and that was most likely because it had all been a long time in coming. She'd always known it was only a matter of time before the club finally caught up to her, that she couldn't run forever. The problem was that the life she'd carved out for herself wasn't necessarily a fulfilling one. She had the store and she had Jake and at one point, she'd also had a stalker who'd held her at knifepoint and tried to rape her. She didn't go outside after dark; that was actually part of the reason why she closed the store at seven. She held everyone at arms length, even her customers, and couldn't allow herself to even wonder about her one surviving parent. If she was being completely honest with herself, she hadn't really felt safe in a long time. And now that Samcro cast an overwhelming shadow over her, she had to ask herself: did she feel safe now?
She looked at Jax and he tilted his chin towards her with a soft smile. It wasn't a hard decision to make.
"Yeah," she finally whispered. "I feel safe now."
A/N-So...one step closer in the right direction. Like I've said before, these two aren't just going to fall into bed together but for those of you that are worried about Kate moving too quickly with her feelings for Jax...the next two chapters will move a few big steps closer to admitting some romantic feelings and then the events of those chapters will push her about ten huge steps back in the other direction. This story is all about the push and pull of family and their feelings for each other. Kate still has a long ways to go before she can ever reconcile who her family is and her place in it.
That being said...please read and review. I love, love, love reading what you have to say and it truly keeps me motivated to get these chapters up faster. The more reviews I get, the more motivated I get...just saying ;) R/R!