Chapter 7: Incarceration
Captain Carrot deposited his two suspects in front of Sargent Angua. "Two unlicensed burglars," he announced. "And you'll never guess where I caught them."
She looked up. "More Klatchians? Is there a convention going on that we don't know about?"
Carrot continued, "Inside the Thieves' Guild, that's where. So, we'll need to slap them in solitary to keep any thieves from getting to them."
"You mean in the same cell as the unlicensed assassin?"
"We have an assassin already in there? Oh great." Okay, okay, I'll tell Detritus to get the garret ready and then have Lance-Constable Entryway-Over-Pseudopolis-Yard move over and keep watch on the garret windows.
Angua pulled over yet another booking report. "Name?"
"Ali Badhboi."
She looked up at him. She looked over at Carrot. Carrot looked back. "The Ali Badhboi?"
"You've heard of me?"
"Is it true what they say about you?"
He flashed her a most evil grin. "Only the bad things. What did you have in mind?"
She grinned back. "Putting you behind bars for a really long time.'
"Such a waste," he murmured, "of a golden opportunity."
"What did you have in mind?" she mocked.
"Oh. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou."
"In your dreams."
"Forever, and to the end of time," he purred.
Carrot interrupted, So where are your 40 thieves?"
Ali Badhboi pointed. "There's one of them."
Sireen de Wowwow snarled, "Very funny." Then to Angua she said, "I'm Sireen de Wowwow. My name alone should prove I'm not one of his slithering minions."
"I'm sorry." Angua looked for help over to Carrot, who shrugged helplessly. "Siren de . . . once again?"
"Sireen de Wowwow. You've heard of me."
"No, not ringing a bell."
"I'm famous all over the Disc!"
Angua looked again at Carrot. He repeated his shrug.
"Well isn't this terrific," Sireen sneared. "You've all heard of this tuppence ruffian, but you draw a blank when it comes to the Disc's most celebrated exotic dancer."
۞
Corporal Nobby Nobbs's shift stated at midnight.
When he appeared, Sergeant Angua breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "Thank goodness, you're here. We're overflowing with prisoners tonight. First, wipe the lipstick from behind your left ear. Second, check on the cells, make sure they're not killing each other in there, and third report back here for further orders.
Nobby nodded, picked up a truncheon (just in case) and headed into the cell block.
"NOBBY!" came the delighted shout of recognition from the Klatchians.
The stunned corporal took a step back and blinked.
Angua had half turned around in her chair. "Friends of yours?"
۞
The elephant enclosure would be easy to find. It was right next to the zepplopotomuses, and those giant floating creatures could be seen from all over the zoo.
Doc led the group passed the snake house's three-banded coits, basilisks and subtractacondas; passed the latergator pit(1); passed the chimera with their legs of a mermaid, hair of a tortoise, teeth of a fowl, and wings of a snake; passed the Überwaldean land eels; passed the lake of whoopsie cranes (who amused all by spontaneously tripping and falling in the water over and over); passed the platypus goonie birds (whoa!); passed the combat wombats; and passed a herd of cud-chewing thargas. From somewhere in the distance came the sonic boom of an ambiguous puzuma as one of the big cats approached lightspeed.
"Guys! Guys! Guys! Over here!" Tickles was waving his trunk frantically.
Doc and the group hurried up to the elephant compound. The front and sides were bordered by a deep trench, and the back side was a towering faux-cliff wall.
"I thought you guys would never get here! I thought you'd forgotten all about poor, old Tickles."
Pricilla gaped at Lefty. "Your elephant can talk?"
"Well yes," he squirmed. "It's a, it's a long story."(2)
Doc said to Tickles, "We're here now."
"Come on! Get me out!"
"This is just a reconnaissance mission. We'll be back with the rest of the guys."
"You have to get me out NOW!" Tickles's eyes were wide with terror.
"By the gods, what's the matter? What have they been doing to you?"
"You see that elephant over there?"
"Yeah?"
"They want me to make baby elephants with her!"
Doc snickered. "So what's the problem?"
"'What's the problem?'! Take a look at her. She's big! She's fat! She's wrinkled! Her nose is huge!"
"Tickles, Tickles, Tickles," Doc hushed him. "She's an elephant. All elephants are big and fat and wrinkled and have big noses."
"WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?"
۞
Tonight, Oh-Oh was going to be a hero. No more "Oh-Oh, you are such a cute monkey, have a peanut!" or "Oh-Oh, have a piece of banana," or "Oh-Oh, here, have a shot of rum," or "Oh-Oh, are you getting fat?" Tonight, he was going to gain respect.
And maybe even a pair of pants.
He deftly made his way up the side of the Pseudopolis Yard Station towards the newly-lit garret window. It was a long climb, but hey, he was a monkey born in the wilds, right? Okay, maybe not exactly the wilds, but certainly in the mean streets of al-Khali. Yeah, those were tough too. Maybe they weren't as high as the Klatchian rainforests where his parents were from, but his parents' blood coursed through his veins. And monkeys were the second cousin, twice removed of gorillas. So tonight, there was nothing that was going to stop him.
Splinter! Splinter! Splinter! He whimpered, sucked the offending needle of wood out of his finger, spit it disdainfully down into the darkness below, put a kiss on his finger to make it all better, and began climbing again.
Who wrote heroic tales of monkeys? No one. What tribesmen sat around campfires singing tales of monkey valor? None. Which little children had pictures of monkeys on their wall to serve as role models? Again, none. But tonight, that was all going to change.
Panting heavily, Oh-Oh achieved the bottom of the window sill. He pulled himself up the rest of the way. Yes, there they were! Ali Badhboi and Sireen de Wowwow.
He started to say something but realized his couldn't breathe. The stone fist that was holding him turned him slowly to look into a face that would cause a mother to vomit.
Gargoyles were masters of surveillance. They could sit on roofs for weeks without moving, living only on rainwater and a few careless pigeons. But like all gargoyles, Lance-Constable Entryway-Over-Pseudopolis-Yard could, for a short burst, move with a quickness so blinding that it would make a mongoose widdle with envy.
And even a second cousin, twice removed of gorillas couldn't break a gargoyle's grip of stone.
۞
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" shrieked Tickles, jumping up and down with big tears running down his face. "GET ME OUT! GET ME OUT! GET ME OUT!"
Slick murmured to Doc, "I've never seen an elephant throw a temper tantrum before. I didn't even know they could."
Down a nearby row of cages, the weeping hyena joined in. They sniffled; they cried; they sobbed; they wailed; they blubbered; one even began scribbling a suicide note.
"Mommy, why is that elephant crying?"
"Oh, well, he wants to come home with us, but he can't."
"Sure he can!"
"Where is he going to sleep?"
"Anywhere he wants." The boy giggled.
"I think we need further instruction," said Doc. He took Crackers down from his shoulder. "Crackers, fly to Ali Badhboi. Tell him that Tickles is demanding to be broken out now. Ask him what should we do? And remember . . ."
"Yes, yes, I know," sighed Crackers. "Fly to his amulet, not to the ship. While I'm gone, try not to do anything stupid, okay?" The Klatchian octorine took wing and flew off in the direction of Pseudopolis Yard."
۞
Sergeant Angua looked up. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Azziz'zing a gail 'rake."
"Lance-Constable Entryway-Over-Pseudopolis-Yard, that's a monkey you have in your hand. A monkey."
"'E wus 'rying ohh 'rake ou' A'i 'Ad'oi an' Ziree' 'a Wowwow."
"Okay, let's say we arrest this monkey for assisting a jail break and throw him in jail too. What's to keep him from walking out between the bars?"
The gargoyle looked confused.
"My point exactly," sneered Angua. She turned and shouted over her shoulder, "Nobby! Corporal Nobbs, I need you!"
A few seconds later, Nobby appeared. "You bellowed?"
She fought to keep her temper. It was getting close to that time a month, when the moon was full and she'd long to let her fangs grow, let her hands turn to paws, and let her human brain shrink down to wolf size. "Corporal Nobbs, if you'd be so kind. Please take this monkey down and deposit him in the city zoo, please."
"But Sarge, it's the middle of the nigh - - "
"JUST DO IT!"
"Yes ma'am!" Nobby snatched the monkey from out of the stone hand of Lance-Constable Entryway-Over-Pseudopolis-Yard and scurried out of the station house with it.
The monkey calmed right down. Truth be told, Nobby reminded Oh-Oh a lot of his mother . . . or even more so, of Oh-Oh's Great Uncle Henry, who nobody ever talked about. Ever.
۞
A courteous rap on the door was followed by a good-natured grin of a hunchback. "Ith everything alright in here? Doth anyone need medical attenthion?"
"Igor? What are you doing here?"
"Oh, jutht a little mithunderthanding, thir. Thomeone accuthed me of body thnatching, and I'm jutht helping out here until we can thraighten thingth out."
Ali Badhboi sat down heavily. "Well this complicates things immensely. Now, we'll need an escape planned for three."
"Three, thir. How do you figure?"
"Well, there's you, me, and Miss de Wowwow."
"But what about Mithter Vulture down in tholidary?"
"Is Black Vulture the unlicensed assassin they were speaking of? So we need an escape planned for four."
"But what about Mithter LaFoote and Mithter Higgens?"
"Fingers and Scarface? What about them?"
"They're here too, thir."
"So we're, what? Six?"
"Oh no, thir."
"There's . . . more?"
"Would you be upthet if I mentioned Thheik Rattlenrol, Amir the Corthair, Ali al-Khali, No-Fear Nimr, Badi Badhbad, Jibbar Rich, Hakim Hawkfathe, and Big Wali?"
"Tickles."
"Thir?"
"This whole adventure is about freeing Tickles, to get one of our own out from behind bars. Instead, we end up with how many more in jail?"
"Fourteen, thir."
Ali Badhboi cringed. "Fourteen."
"It could be worth, thir. If there were one leth, then we'd be only thirteen. Think of the bad luck that would bring."
1 Latergators were a lot like alligators except that they could travel in time. This made digging their pit an especially interesting task. No one could tell when a 'gator would pop into existence and take a bite out of one's backside.
2 Actually, the story of how Tickles came to talk is a very short one. It's just so unbelievable that people have given up trying to tell it. It goes something like this. No, on second thought, I'd better not.