A/N-Ok, so here's technically the second half of the last chapter. I had wanted to get something up so I posted the last chapter as the first part of two...and that chapter was definitely the loved it or hated it chapter. At the very least, I'm glad you guys feel so strongly about the the story/characters that you let me know how you felt about that chapter. Hopefully, this second part should answer any lingering questions you have as well as set up the things to come in the next few chapters. Anyways, thanks to everyone who alerted/reviewed! Enjoy...
LOVE SONG
Chapter Seven
Everything seemed to swirl around her in a mash of greens, blues, and reds. Everything was blurry. And nothing seemed to make sense to her anymore. Her thoughts were swirling around in her head almost as nonsensically as the road and trees around her. She had to slow down. She had to figure out what the hell was going on. The roar of a motorcycle engine snapped her back into reality and a quick glance in the rearview mirror made her heart drop into her stomach.
The burning question wouldn't expunge itself from her mind: what was she really upset about? Even in the ten minutes she'd spent driving, she hadn't really been able to make sense of the tornado that had just passed through. As she gripped the steering wheel tighter, she felt Jake nudge her arm from the backseat. A faint smile crossed her face and she reached behind her to ruffle the top of his head. He always seemed to know when she was at her breaking point, when she was tense and about to explode and he always seemed to know exactly when to nudge her back into the real world and unwind the tension.
Now that her mind was beginning to slow down, thanks to Jake, she started to replay everything she'd said to Jax, cringing as the words came back to her. To say her reaction to the news of Carson Cooper's death was an overreaction was the understatement of the year. What surprised her the most though was so how quickly she had flown off the handle and berated an unsuspecting, possibly undeserving Jax. She couldn't remember the last time she had acted purely out of emotion, especially anger, and without any regard to common sense or taking a moment to just stop and think everything through like a normal person. No, instead she had viciously lashed out.
But why? Sure, some of what she had said was completely true. She was still paying off the therapy bills and was finally able to sleep through a whole night without relying on sleeping pills. But there had always been a little traitorous voice that had said that even though she was sleeping again and even though she was more comfortable alone in the store again, it probably wasn't over. She would have had four years of peace and safety. But as soon as Carson Cooper was out of prison, there was a part of her that knew he would have found a way to get to her, regardless of the protection the police had promised her. She never thought she would ever be happy that someone was dead but in this moment, she was glad that Carson Cooper had had karma come back at him twofold.
She just didn't know how to feel about both her father's and Jax's role in that. Jax, despite his rough around the edges exterior, wasn't a bad guy. He had been trying to make her life easier, trying to help her make it through all of this in one piece but when had he felt it was his place to put a hit out on her attacker; a hit to be carried out by her father no less? When had he become her bodyguard? When had he cared in the first place? But then again, why was it necessarily wrong for him to want to keep her safe? That was basically what he had been doing since day one of all this shit. And she knew as well as he did that if Carson Cooper had lived long enough to see the end of his sentence, she would have needed some protecting anyways.
But her dad…she didn't even know where to begin, didn't know what to think.
And what the hell was she doing now? What was she thinking? Nothing good was waiting for her in Charming. At least nothing that wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in her as soon as she threatened to call the cops. This was definitely not one of her finer moments and irrational thinking was going to get her nowhere.
Her focus was beginning to clear but she still had to pull over. She shouldn't even have been driving in the first place. When she shut off her Rav-4, she glanced into the rearview mirror and sighed heavily as she watched Jax follow suit behind her. She watched as he threw his leg over one side of his bike, took off his helmet, and shoved it roughly back onto the seat. He took a few steps towards her car and then seemed to change his mind, opting to instead prop himself up on the seat of his bike, his arms crossed tightly over his chest.
With a deep sigh, she opened her door and took a cautious step out. She couldn't look at Jax and instead let Jake out, who, naturally, trotted happily over to Jax and leapt up at him with his two huge front paws. Jax reached out to scratch underneath Jake's ears without a glance towards her. She observed them silently from the safe ten foot distance away. She still didn't know exactly how she was supposed to feel or what she was supposed to do now but she soon found herself slowly closing the distance separating them.
When Jax finally looked at her, she was met with a stormy glare, his jaw clenched and unmoving. She swallowed nervously and had to bite her lip to keep it from trembling. She could feel that she was about to cry—but for what? For who? For herself—trapped again, unable to escape the reach and influence over her? For Jax—himself trapped between a rock and a hard place? For the embarrassment she felt? For the disappointment she felt in both herself and Jax? What were they supposed to do now?
"What are we doing here, Kate?" Jax bit out, again folding his arms across his chest.
She hadn't expected him to be the first to speak and that set her even more off balance than she'd been before. The ice in his voice didn't help either.
"I guess I realized that going to see Clay wasn't going to end well so…"
He laughed bitterly. "Better late than never, right?"
"Yeah, I guess." She shoved her hands in her back pockets and rocked back on her heels, trying to decide what to say next.
They stood there for a few moments in silence as Jake looked curiously between them.
"Look, Kate," Jax started before she could speak again, his voice rising with each syllable. "I've been doing everything I can to help you out here…everything I've been doing since day one of all this shit has just been to look out for you. I've been trying that whole put yourself in someone else's shoes horse shit for the past two weeks and you've just been giving me hell for it."
He paused for a moment there to gather his thoughts. He was struggling to keep his emotions in check, to not yell at her or raise his voice but she could tell that it grew increasingly more difficult for him the longer they stood there. It wasn't like she didn't deserve it anyways.
"And you can say what you want about the club, about our methods or whatever shit you wanna say," he continued hotly with a slight lift in his voice. "But like it or not, we're the only family you've got left and we fucking protect our family. All we did was exactly what we would have done if it was anybody else's daughter or sister…or mother. Yeah, we all knew what Otto was gonna do the second he found out but what would've happened if that fucker was still alive? When he got out? Have you ever thought about that?"
She had indeed thought of that. At night, when she was struggling to stay calm before the sleeping pills could kick in, she would imagine all the ways Carson Cooper could torment her, the pain he could inflict on her…and would he finish her off this time? Would he finally put her out of her misery? That was the only time her brain would subconsciously allow the horrifying picture to surface. But she knew there really wasn't anything she could say to him now. She had gotten to yell and scream before and now, it seemed like it was his turn.
He stared a gaping hole into the pavement below him and grabbed anxiously for a cigarette and lighter in his pocket. When he had it finally lit, he puffed furiously for a few moments before looking straight at her.
"And just for the record, Kate," he stated with icy precision. "I don't fucking appreciate being talked to like I'm a piece of shit."
His words froze her to the ground and she felt tears stinging in her eyes, threatening to fall down her cheeks. She blinked furiously to keep them at bay and to keep him from seeing her cry. He had already seen her cry once and she wasn't going to allow herself to appear that weak in front of him again. Instead, she fought to get her voice working again.
"I'm sorry, Jax," she whispered hoarsely. There was nothing else she could say.
His jaw clenched again and she braced herself for what could potentially happen next. When he simply nodded back to her, his eyes had softened a little, and she felt a glimmer of hope that maybe he didn't completely hate her. But just as quickly as the change in his eyes had come, it vanished—back to the cold steel blue—and she knew that it would awhile before they would be able to trust each other again.
"Look," he started shakily after taking another puff. "I understand why you were upset…I really do. And I'm sorry that it did upset you but—"
"I know, Jax," she interrupted quickly. "We don't have to do this…why does it feel like we're always apologizing to each other for something?"
He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his windblown hair. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
They were quiet for a moment. Neither really knew what to say or do next. They were at a standstill, a stalemate of sorts and the next move was unclear. She had been making his life difficult—whether it was intentional or unintentional she still wasn't sure—and he had betrayed her trust. Despite that, they were still bound to each other through extenuating circumstances and that wasn't about to change anytime soon. What were they supposed to do now? Where did they go from here?
And then a thought struck her. A thought that she had pushed subconsciously from her mind that was now attacking her full force.
"So…" she whispered. "I take it you've seen the pictures then."
His jaw clenched again but this time it wasn't out of anger, at least not anger that was directed at her. There was something else in his eyes now and it took a moment for her to realize that it was pain.
"Yeah." He answered simply.
She swallowed nervously and she wasn't able to look at him right away. She had been afraid of that; if the club had the resources to get detailed information about her attack, they also had to have the resources to access police reports. There was a part of her that still felt violated, like her privacy, especially at her most vulnerable moment, had been intruded upon. But there was also a part of her that was somewhat relieved he had seen the pictures…it meant she would never have to give him the painful, excruciating details. He had been able to see it for himself. And on some level, it was almost comforting to know he knew everything she had been through that night. She just wasn't quite sure why.
"I'm sorry you had to see that..."
His eyes rose to met hers and for the first time since they had pulled off the road, there was no trace of malice, ice, or rage in his eyes.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that." He answered hoarsely.
She nodded slowly, a little taken aback by the sadness in his eyes. "The club has seen them too then, right?"
He nodded simply, unsure of what he could say. He seemed to know exactly how she would feel about that knowledge, how anyone would feel, and the look in his eyes said it all.
"Has my dad?" She asked quietly and then closed her eyes, afraid to know the answer to that question.
He quickly shook his head and a sigh of relief released itself from her lungs.
"Were you the one who told him?"
His eyes met hers again and he nodded. "Yeah."
"What did he say?"
Jax sighed and threw his cigarette to the ground before lighting up another one. "He didn't say much but he looked like he was going to flip over the table though. I didn't go into the details but I don't think I needed to. Shit…I've known your dad for a long time and I have never seen that look on his face before. At first it was like I told him you had died and then, after a couple seconds, his face was turning red and…I've seen murder on someone's face before but not like that…not like that."
He shook his head then, more to shake the memory than anything else. She knew he was probably looking at her now, trying to gauge some kind of reaction from her but all she could was stare at the ground ahead of her. That had been more or less what she had been expecting to hear. Her dad had killed the guy so that sort of reaction seemed appropriate to the circumstances. But after hearing it, she had no idea how she was supposed to feel about it. Over the years since he'd gone to prison, it had just been easier not to think about him, not to wonder if he was thinking about her, and not to contemplate whether or not he ever loved her in the first place. The last few weeks had made it increasingly difficult to do any of those things and now, after hearing evidence that her already complicated relationship with her father had gotten a little more complicated…it was making her head spin.
Jax's phone started buzzing in his pocket and that was enough to help her wade through the fog and back to reality. He glanced quickly at the text and immediately started pounding out a response. Once the phone was back in his pocket, he swung a leg over his bike and put his helmet on.
"Everything alright?" She asked cautiously.
"Yeah, it's fine. I just gotta head back to the clubhouse. I'll call the prospect and tell him to get over here so you're not by yourself for too long."
"Ok," she nodded slowly. She felt a little off-balance now that he was leaving and that alone was enough to unnerve her. She didn't have the time or the energy to figure out why him leaving now, after everything they had said to each other, after everything that had happened, still upset her. He had no real obligation to her and had been already spending too much time at the store anyways. Besides, he had a two year old at home who needed his dad. But no matter how hard she fought it, something still felt off as she watched him start his bike.
"I'm not sure when I'll be back to the store but I'll let the prospect know as soon as I know anything. You know you can call me if you need anything, right? If anything comes up…you can call." He was saying to her now.
"Yeah, sure. Don't worry about me. I'll see you when I see you, right?"
He nodded, a small smile creeping across his features. "Yeah. See ya later, Kate."
"Bye, Jax."
Her mixed feelings didn't stop churning as she watched him ride away. At the very least, they seemed to be on slightly better terms but that didn't make her feel any better. If anything, it made her even more confused about why her heart dropped a little as his figure grew smaller and smaller down the highway. She hated herself for the things she'd said to him almost as much as she hated the circumstances that had led her to say them. She had no idea what was going to happen now, if it was going to be awkward when he came to the store or why she even cared to begin with. But she did know that despite what had just happened, he was still going to look out for her. Her reaction was equal parts relief, frustration, and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on.
But at least she knew something she could do now. It was something that would finally give her some answers to all the questions swirling around her head, even if those questions and answers had nothing to do with Jax. It was something that she had been needing to do for a long time but had been too afraid. It was time to put that fear to rest.
When Jax finally rolled into the clubhouse parking lot, he felt like his head was going to explode. The last time he had been this exhausted was right after they had brought Abel home from the hospital and that was almost two years ago. What he really needed right now was a cigarette and a few cold beers. Church wouldn't be starting up for a little while so he had enough time to try to untangle himself from the all the shit that had gone down already that day.
As he swung both legs off his bike and headed towards the clubhouse, he purposefully avoided making eye contact with Gemma, who had just come out of the office at the sound of his bike. Hopefully, he could play it off like he didn't see her so he wouldn't have to deal with her. One confrontation with a stubborn, angry woman was enough for one day. Besides, that particular woman could pick up on just about anything that was wrong with him and he didn't really want to talk about it, especially not with her.
He sighed again as he dug a cigarette out of his near-empty pack. He knew he had had a few too many cigarettes already but he needed them. He needed something to calm himself down a little, something to take the edge off, especially since he'd felt the need to punch the hell out of something since driving away from Kate about an hour earlier. That whole situation had just blown completely out of his control. At first, he had felt guilty. He had felt responsible for whatever she was feeling and for a little while, was fine with accepting the brunt of her anger and frustrations.
He couldn't necessarily blame her for feeling the way she did. If their roles were reversed, and it was his privacy and trust that had been betrayed, his temper would have easily taken over. He knew her well enough by now to know that it was the fact that they had stepped in, had again taken control over something she felt they didn't needed to be involved with, that had rattled her the most. And he understood that. He had been expecting her to be emotional as soon as she found out…just not that emotional. Shouldn't she have been happy that asshole was dead? That he was never going to have the chance to even get near her again? On some level, after the shock wore off, he had almost expected her to thank him. But that didn't happen. Instead, she proceeded to not only insult him, the club, their motives and their methods, but she had also successfully made him feel like a piece of shit for trying to protect her. And she had definitely crossed the line.
So it was hard to feel entirely responsible for her tantrum because she had to bear some of that responsibility too.
But the haunted look in her eyes was still there, especially when she figured out the entire club had seen the evidence photos of her attack, and that was difficult to swallow. He'd seen that look before, on both her face and his mother's. It was the kind of look that kept him up at night, that chased him even when he tried to drown it out with the road.
He really needed that drink.
It wasn't long before he was seated at the clubhouse's in-house bar with two empty shot glasses and a half-empty bottle of beer in front of him.
"Everything alright, brother?" Opie's voice came from behind him.
Jax turned to his left and sighed when Opie sat down on the stool next to him. He'd been able to escape his mother but Opie was another story altogether.
"Not really." He answered shortly, not bothering to lie. Opie would have just seen through it anyway.
"Yeah, I can see that." Opie laughed with a gesture toward the glasses in front of him. A scantily-clad croweater put a beer in front of him and another one in front of Jax, just for good measure to ensure being noticed. She wasn't.
"So…" Opie started slowly. He paused to see if Jax would volunteer the information on his own and shook his head a little when Jax remained silent. He would just have to dig it out of him then.
"Everything going ok at Kate's store?" Opie asked casually, figuring that was the best place to start.
Jax stared intently at the label on his beer bottle before squeezing his fist. "She found out Otto took out that fucker who attacked her."
Opie's eyebrows rose quickly and he turned to face Jax. "Shit…you didn't tell her?"
"I was going to…she read it in the paper before I even got a chance."
"I can't imagine she took it well."
Jax laughed bitterly and took a pull from his beer. "Nope…not even close. You know, I kinda thought she would be happy. At least, a little grateful, you know? We did her a favor—we protected her."
"She obviously didn't want the club's protection." Opie stated simply.
"Yeah, but she needed though, didn't she? We all know what would have happened the second that asshole got out of the pen. Otto did exactly what he needed to and I'm not sorry I told him." Jax bit out.
"Yeah, I guess," Opie began slowly. "If I were Otto, I would've done the same thing and I would have expected the club to keep me informed…but I can't help feeling kinda bad for her though."
Jax nodded slowly, his eyes still trained on the label in front of him. "I know what you mean."
"She never really wanted this…I mean the club just pushed itself back into her life and took over. I can't blame her for feeling a little…manhandled, I guess."
"Yeah."
They were silent for a few moments. Sometimes, there some things that were better left unsaid.
"She didn't have to call me a bitch though." Jax muttered under his breath.
Opie's eyes rose again and this time, he bit back laughter. "What?"
"Yeah…a bitch. She was pretty damn pissed. And bro…when she said that, shit, it kinda felt like I got slapped in the face, you know? I wanted to tear the place apart…book by fucking book…"
Opie responded with a light laugh but Jax was not as amused. He responded by lighting up yet another cigarette, taking careful mental note that he was quickly running low on his supply. He leaned back a little on the stool and fought to keep himself from looking his friend straight in the eye. He still couldn't quite figure out his own reaction in this particular cluster fuck. It wasn't like his usual self to just bend over and take it the way he had with Kate. She had continued to berate and tear him to pieces because he had allowed it to happen. If it had been anyone else, man or woman—maybe even his own mother if he was being completely honest with himself-that person would have been put in his or her place in a matter of seconds. Less than a matter of seconds. But with her, he had just apologized repeatedly like a stuttering dumb-shit idiot. It wasn't until he'd had some time to let everything he'd allowed her to say to him sink in that newly kindled anger knocked away the fading compassion. The fact it had taken so long was twisting his insides into pieces.
"You know, I don't recall you ever having this much trouble with the ladies since well…ever." Opie seemed to read his mind with a very annoying smile in his kind eyes.
Jax huffed into his beer. "That's not how I would describe it, man."
"Come on, brother—when was the last time a girl ever gave you this much trouble—and don't say Wendy…you know that doesn't count."
Jax couldn't help the grimace that crossed his features at the mention of that name. She was painful to think about but not because things hadn't turned out too well between them. Still, his head cocked slightly to the side at Opie's line of questioning—he was intrigued.
"You mean one I wasn't banging?"
"Yeah," Opie laughed. "One you weren't banging."
"Well, no, I guess. Where you goin' with this, Ope?" Jax asked, voice taking on a bit of an edge.
"Nowhere," Opie just shrugged. "It sounds like she was pretty upset though."
That Jax couldn't deny. "Once she started yelling…I kinda expected her to start punching and kicking me too."
"Probably takes kick-boxing classes, huh?"
Jax shot his friend a grin. "I wouldn't put it past her."
"Shit—that sort of sounds like when me and Lyla get into fights. It's always about the little shit, you know?"
"What do you mean?"
Opie just shrugged. "She told you something in private…she probably hasn't told too many people and she obviously felt like she could talk to you about it. It's the disappointment when you let them down that really sends them flying off the handle like that."
"Shit, man, you're talkin' like she's my old lady or something." Jax shook his head in disbelief at the thought.
"Nah…I didn't really mean it like that. It just sounds like some of the things she told you were difficult to tell. I'm sure the last thing she expected was for you to turn around and tell the club. If she'd wanted us to know, she would've told us herself, you know? She just wanted you to know though."
Jax almost started speaking again but snapped his mouth shut at his next thought. There was one part of her enraged tantrum that he hadn't allowed himself to reconcile with yet. He hadn't even really thought about it after she'd first told him about her attack.
"She said she'd been going to therapy," he finally began quietly. "Couldn't sleep at night…had trouble being in the store by herself after it happened…"
"That sounds about right, given what she went through." Opie acknowledged, trying to figure out what Jax was thinking.
"I just...I'd never really thought about it like that before, Ope. Never thought about the details, what it must've felt like, what it did to her…I couldn't let myself do that with Gemma either. All I could think about was getting Zobel and how I would feel when my knife was finally in his chest. I never thought about how she felt, what she would have to do to get over it, how long it would take, what it would take…I guess I couldn't."
He had never really digested everything that had happened to his mother. He hadn't let the depth of it all fully sink in. He couldn't allow himself to picture her nightmare. He had had to keep his cool, for the most part, so Zobel could burn. Doing anything else would have broken him into a crumbling mess at his mother's feet because he loved his mother more than he loved anything else, save for his son. He had killed for them because they had been hurt and because they were irreplaceable to him. When he killed for the club, it was about business. But the murders he'd committed for his mother and his son had been purely instinctual, emotional, and cathartic. And now, albeit indirectly, he had killed for Kate for the exact same reasons.
Opie took Jax's silence in with quiet contemplation. He was a little thrown off guard by Jax's ruminations. This just wasn't like him. He usually wasn't one to sit down and have heart to hearts, at least not in length. They had always been close, had always been able to talk about things they couldn't with anyone else. Hell, there were things Jax knew about him that he had never had the courage to utter to either Donna or Lyla. But what Jax was discussing now was deeper on another level entirely.
"I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been through something like that can ever know what it's like…all you can do is just to keep doing what you're doing."
"It doesn't seem like I've done anything lately that's really helped her." There was a hint of desperation in Jax's voice and that made Opie frown.
"Sure you have, brother; maybe she just doesn't see it right now. You and I both know you've saved her ass more ways than one already. This shit with Clay and the club may not be over for awhile and God knows what's going to happen if the Mayans or Niners or even the Irish somehow get wind of this shit."
"Clay thinks that's never going to happen," Jax nodded. "It will—it's just a fucking matter of time before someone's sniffin' around there."
"We still need a cover."
"Right—even it's just between us and Kate—" Opie was cut off by the buzzing of Jax's phone.
Jax dug it out of his back pocket and flipped it open. His eyebrows rose immediately as he read the text and his eyes flew to met Opie's.
"What is it, brother?"
"Kate's goin' to see Otto tomorrow. She figured I wouldn't let her go by herself."
"Probably doesn't want to fight with you anymore." Opie offered.
Jax nodded, their earlier conversation by the side of the road and her defeated expression quickly coming back to him.
"You gonna go with her, then?" Opie was asking now.
"Not tomorrow—Abel's got another appointment and Gemma will skin me alive if I can't make it."
"Is everything alright?"
"His breathing is still off and Gemma's worried about it so we're takin' him in again."
"Shit—sorry, brother. At least you're takin' him in…hey, you know what, Lyla will be alright with the kids tomorrow…I can go along with Kate. She really shouldn't do that by herself anyways."
Jax hesitated at Opie's suggestion. It wasn't that he didn't trust him. Opie was usually the one person he could count on and he didn't doubt that Opie would take care of Kate. It wasn't necessarily the fact that she was going to the prison either. She had every right to visit her dad and he suspected she was really looking for answers more than anything with this visit—answers she deserved. So why was he hesitating?
"Yeah," he finally responded as casually as possible. "Sure…that should work fine."
"You sure?" Opie asked slowly. He wasn't used to seeing this in Jax.
"Yeah—why wouldn't I be?" Jax asked reflexively and—almost defensively.
Opie rose his hands up in the air with a nervous laugh. "Don't know, brother. Just makin' sure."
Jax chewed on the inside of his cheek and quickly nodded his response. He was already too screwed up in the head right now to deal with Opie asking questions he didn't feel like answering.
Instead of addressing the newly risen tension in the air, Opie stood up from his stool and slapped Jax on the shoulder.
"Come on, brother, let's head to church."
"Yeah," Jax nodded absentmindedly.
He watched with some apprehension as Opie left his side to go into church. He couldn't even remember what the club was bringing to the Redwood. His head had been all over the place and club business had somehow gotten pushed to the wayside. That was a problem that needed to rectify itself immediately. He couldn't let the rest of the club pick up on any distractions. He'd dealt with all that shit before and had barely made it through the first time. Things were already unstable enough the way it was and the last thing he needed was for the club to rule to place him somewhere other than the store. He needed to be there.
That was what he needed to focus on now: convince the club that he was all there and that there would be no more complications or distractions. Everything else would just have to work itself out.
A/N-So...hopefully that eased some of your worries. I know some reviewers were upset that Jax's reaction in the last chapter was too out of character but I think there's a little more going on below the surface that was hinted at in this chapter.
The next chapter will see Kate's long-awaited and much-needed visit with Otto and Opie will provide some insight into Jax's motives. He also has some other information, which Jax has neglected to tell her, that he could potentially share with her also. We'll see...After that, we should be getting to the big twist I have planned. I hope I haven't made it too obvious but feel free to guess!
As always, I hope you enjoyed this and if you felt the last chapter got a little off-track, I hope you feel things are back to the way they should be. Please read and review! Your feedback is invaluable to me...especially after the last chapter. R/R!