~October 1981~

It had been over a year since he had visited the grave. He had been sucked into the work so much to save his own sanity from staying alone in their old apartment. He still hadn't gotten used to the fact that Sirius just wasn't going to come back. Ever. It wasn't like they had broken up or something silly like that, but he had died. It hurt when he realized it because he hadn't gotten a real chance to mourn over Sirius's death. There was so much more for him to mourn now.

Remus made his way into the cemetery. Outside there were children running around and playing about in their costumes. It was October 31, 1981. At that moment it was about eleven o'clock at night and he had just heard the news. In his trembling hands was a rose that was beginning to wilt from how tightly he was gripping it. All he was wearing were pyjama bottoms because he had been roused out of sleep by a member of the Order.

"I'm sorry," they had said, "But James and Lily Potter, as well as a Peter Pettigrew, has been killed tonight. We are very sorry for your loss. Celebrate for You-Know-Who has been destroyed by their child. Their legacy will live on."

How could anyone rejoice when the cost had been the last of his friends? Yes, the war was over but so was everything else. Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter were all killed. He was the last Marauder left. All his friends and people he considered family were gone from him forever. There would be no more holidays together or full moons spent watching after him. With James and Lily dead it felt like family had died.

"I hope you're happy now," he said in the low and dangerous voice he used when he was extremely upset. "You took them away. Now you have your friends up there with you wherever the hell you are. How could you Sirius? Why did you? Couldn't you have left me with at least one bit of happiness in my life?" He pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried not to yell anymore than he already had. There had been no chance for him to really accept that his friends had been killed and that, just like Sirius, they would never return.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you Sirius. I know that James was your best friend but do you still think of yourself?" Remus angrily threw the rose down onto the grave. A few of the petals fell off and scattered around it. He stood there, staring at the grave. What more could he say to the boy who had been the object of his desires for so long now? He was blaming him for something no one could have controlled. All at once he felt like an idiot; a hurt, devastated, idiot. Remus bit down on his bottom lip as he stood there, staring down at the grave. The noise of children in the background was fading away to nothing more than the breeze going through the air.

His arms crossed across his scarred chest. It all was beginning to come down on him. There would be no more late night talking with Sirius or James, there would be no more chatting about how things were going in life, and there would be no more visiting to see Harry. There was nothing more. And he was going to have to get a move on with his life. Closing his eyes he breathed in and out heavily, unshed tears stinging his eyes. One single tear slipped out and made tracks down his cheek, going to rest on his chin to drip onto the cold earth.

Eyes still closed, Remus knelt onto the ground and put a hand on the cool ground. "One day I'll be in heaven, Sirius. And when that day comes I'll never have to say good-bye to you. Today I do. Sirius, no matter how mad I've ever got at you, I've never once stopped loving you. From the first day I saw you with your black hair that hung down in wavy curls to your chin and with those eyes that seemed to see everything and nothing at the same time, I fell for you.

"When I look back I still see that boy who made me want to get to know, even though it was completely dangerous. I want you to know that I will always love you, no matter how old I get. I still remember all the times I got mad over things that you said or did but I never acted on them because I was afraid to lose you. You were one of my best friends. I always wanted you because you were something I couldn't have. Thank you for being there for me when I needed it. I'll never forget you.

"I needed your love, hell I still need it. I love you. I love you. Please never forget it even if I don't come around as often." He broke out to let out a soft noise that sounded like a cry. Remus put his hand on the cold stone in front of him. "I already miss you, Sirius." Tears were freely making their way down his face. The mixed together in their tracks, but all met together at one common place where they dripped onto the ground or his now dirty pyjama pants. He put his hands on the ground where he gripped the dirt tightly, tears flowing faster now. At least it was Halloween where it would be normal to see someone at a grave.

Shakily he reached one dirt covered hand out to touch the stone. This would be all that was going to be left of his friends. All in one night he had lost everything tying him to this world. "All they could find of Peter was a finger. Everything else was go-gone. They found James laying face up in their house, just staring up at the ceiling. Lily was on the ground in front of Harry's crib. She could have lived Sirius. But she gave her life up for Harry."

He closed his eyes tightly so the tears had to try to squeeze themselves out of his eyes. He didn't understand any of this anymore. How could someone feel this hurt over something like this? Sirius was the main cause of his grief to that very day. He couldn't control how he felt like someone was watching him when he was all alone. "Do you watch me Sirius? Can you even see me wherever you are? Do you know how much I think about you? I-if you do… remember that I love you. I know I sound like a broken record but I really do love you. I never had the chance to say it enough."

Remus leaned down to press his lips against the stone as he seemed to do every time he came to the grave. "Always remember that I love you," he whispered before standing up. "And if James, Lily, or Peter are up there tell them that I'll never forget them as long as I live." With a lasting look at the grave he walked away the way he had come, feeling just as broken as he had before.

A/N

I hope you enjoy this next installment of this. Please, please, please review this! I'd love to hear some positive, or negative, feedback!