Fiona was highly amused that morning when she woke up to feel her right hand down her panties and her left cupping her breast beneath the lilac chiffon nightie. She'd actually been dreaming of masturbating. That was how measly her love life was; she had not even been dreaming of a partner, no blurry-faced mistress, no crush. She wished just once her subconscious would allow her the delicious, passionate bliss of a real sex dream. One with an actual partner or two. She considered taking her body's demand and pleasuring herself, but a look at the clock made her pull hands away and drop them unto the bed. At this time her brother would be up and about- she made herself block the image of him walking in on that. Plus, she needed to get ready for school, and falling asleep after a relieving orgasm would not be ideal.
She let out a great huff and used her arms to push herself into a seated position. Groaning at the lack of energy in her legs; she tried to stand.
Once she finally found her legs, she moved right to the immense walk-in closet to retrieve the outfit she had laid out the night before. Grabbing the garments still neatly on their hangers, she walked toward the closest bathroom. Once inside she hung the clothes on the hook and stripped off her nightie and panties. Despite being alone, she was a little embarrassed by the wet, stickiness left on her underwear. She couldn't seem to help but stare at it though. A strange thought occurred to her.
Isn't it the boys who have trouble getting laid? I never thought I would sympathize with horny teenage boys.
Normally she would have laughed the thought of feeling like some backed-up, desperate boy. But honestly, the whole situation made her feel really lonely. Why couldn't she have someone there for her; ready to meet her desires. To love her.
She entered the shower after the water reached a soothing temperature. She couldn't stop herself from wishing she could feel soft breasts against her back and arms around her waist. She imaged it, the warmth and sensuality of lovers embrace. She imagined Holly J's smirking face on her shoulder, watching her shutter in pleasure. Pressure built just below her stomach. She was not turned on though, she just felt lonelier than ever.
She finished her shower, dressed in her designer jeans and simple top, and headed for the dining room for breakfast. All through the meal, she scowled into her omelet. She suddenly felt really shitty and did not want to go to school and face the inevitable pain that awaited her. She may have not consciously realized, but the twinkle in her brothers eye, and his upbeat mood really bugged her and had soured her mood.
It seemed her whole life she had been jealous of him. He made friends and found lovers easily, no matter where they moved to. He was so involved and sociable. Not to mention the pride of the family because of his unusual kindness and sincerity. He took what he learned from their many travels and used it to better himself and others, Fiona only used it to project her superiority. Fiona was snobby and sarcastic. She was always sitting in the corner, the alcove, the patio; always a pristine picture of loneliness.
For many years she saw herself as the stronger twin. To her, the lack of socializing was a sign of maturity, and how wrong she had been. She had always thought others despised her out of jealousy, but it was her conceited smugness that put them off.
Degrassi was where she wanted to be different; where she could be different.
Looking at her brother sipping his coffee, she remembered the latte stunt form a few days ago. When she found her brother had put Holly J before herself, she was jealous. Jealous of her brother or Holly J she wasn't sure- probably both. The incredulous reaction of the other girl when she licked the lid of the paper mug was comical and completely worth it at the time. Though now, she didn't know whether to revel in it, or regret it. Afterall, what had it said about her character?
Feeling embarrassed, she closed her eyes to force the memory away. Why? Why did she do these things?
She looked up at her brother as he got up from the table. He looked so benign, his stunning eyes shining with bliss and life. He was happy- and she hated him for it.
She got up and headed back up to the bathroom. As she brushed her teeth, she leaned against the sink and stared at the wall thinking about Declan. He one up on her, as always. They both had all the material things they could ever want; they traveled, they were intelligent and eloquent, and they were both impossibly attractive. Yet he had a girlfriend, a really fantastic girlfriend; and Fiona didn't even have one platonic friend to speak of.
Her head throbbed as she contemplated her bitter-sweet relationship with her brother. She hated him for what she didn't have, and yet, he was the one she always turned too, and her only company. He wasn't the typical disgusting, mocking male sibling; in fact, he was supportive and sympathetic. She began to feel guilty, as always, at her negative feeling toward Declan.
Sweet, charismatic, perfect Declan. How could anyone be angry at you?
She wondered if her life would always be this way: ruining her chances of getting what she wanted, and hating the good things that just weren't quite good enough.
They were in the car headed to school. Her brother was ranting about his literature class and how it was not up to par with his already acquired knowledge. Fiona listened half-heartedly and voiced her opinion where she saw fit, but the majority of her mind was focused on the nervousness she was feeling.
I don't know if I can face another day alone. Not to mention seeing Holly J kiss and dote upon my brother.
Sure enough, as soon as the car stopped in front of the school and they got out, Holly J was their to greet her boyfriend. They hugged and kissed without an awkwardness; their relationship was so mature and comfortable. Fiona looked at Holly J's face as she gazed at Declan. Her eyes were deep and sparkling with emotion and the smile on her face was so sweet and genuine. Fiona felt something in her chest pang violently. Her face grimaced unattractively as she hastily choked what felt like a shrill whine. Luckily no one had seen the obvious reaction. She was surprised; well, more like stunned. She had almost screamed like a lunatic. She had almost screamed at Holly J to stop.
Stop hurting me. She made a hasty retreat from the couple to hide her burning eyes. She clenched the tiny, delicate hand not holding her books into a tight fist. She felt like punching one of the ugly blue lockers she passing, or one of the gawking trollish boys; she felt screaming again. Moved by the pounding echo in her head and the breathless feeling in her chest, she made a choice.
For once, I'm not going to let my pride or guilt get in the way. He's gotten what he wants enough, he can take one loss. I need her more! For once, I'm going to win.