Fiona stood frozen in front of her locker, one arm reaching in to rest a hand on her neatly arranged books. Around her rambunctious teenagers guffawed and shouted, delighted that school was over for the day. Their uproar was nothing more than a distant buzzing in the background of her mind. She was imagining her confrontation with Holly J.
I don't have a chance. But I also have no choice- I must confront her. If nothing else I'll get closure. She sighed audibly. Or I could keep trying until she gets a restraining order.
She took a deep breath as if she could inhale further strength and courage from the air. She closed her locker and headed to the meeting hall, feeling both determined and apprehensive.
Concentrating on the schedule and freshly printed flyers on the desk, Holly J did not notice Fiona hesitating by the doorway. She did, however, know someone was there- she had heard the footsteps on the glossy linoleum, the floors in the hallways made it impossible for anyway to sneak about undetected.
Holly J turned around, her eyebrow raised in questioning and her mouth opened slightly, ready to condescend whoever was struggling to work up the guts to approach her. When she saw Fiona standing there, her expression changed into neutral friendliness, her delicate brow relaxing and her soft lips lifting into a mostly imperceptible smile. Fiona did not feel any better for the other girl's ease, it made her feel more self-conscious about beginning an awkward conversation.
"Hey Holly J," her voice came out breathy and melodic and she was embarrassed that she sounded a bit timid and sexual, but her nervousness had weakened her prideful demeanor considerably.
"Hi, Fiona. Is there something you needed hon?" Fiona's heart gave a sharp pulse at the pet name. Her mouth and throat seemed to be getting smaller, and she hoped when she spoke next she would not stumble over her words. If she could even bring herself to say anything- she was forcing herself to find some courage to say what she needed to say. But the words caught in her throat, and she could not bring herself to open her mouth.
Her hesitation must have been obvious because Holly J looked cautious. "Is everything okay?"
Fiona closed her eyes tightly, taking a few steps forward. Once she was within arms-reach of Holly J, she put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "Holly J, please…I need to tell you something, important." After a few seconds of looking at Holly J's confused eyes, she moved her face toward Holly J's and connected their lips. Before she could move the rest of her body to complete the embrace, Holly J forcefully backed away.
"Fiona, are you kidding me? I thought someone of your class would be dignified enough to not get into the bisexual craze." Holly J seemed more shocked than angry, but she was also all to clearly disgusted. "What are you doing?"
"It's obvious what I'm doing"
"I mean why are doing it with me? If you want to go experiment with your sexuality and be a naughty, go find some other girl to play with"
"I'm not just a bi-curious girl looking for an experiment! Like you said, why would I chooses you if I were? I'm a lesbian. I've known forever. I just really want you to understand."
"Fine, I understand you're a legit lesbian, congratulations. But in case it slipped your mind, I'm with you brother. Your brother, Fiona! Clearly I'm straight."
"You have no idea, Holly J." Fiona's whole face burned and her eyes stung; she felt deaf and numb, like the world she belonged to had faded away, leaving the two girls in some horrible vertigo dreamland. "I think about you so much. When I do, the feelings are so strong they actually tire me out. You make me feel so many things, negative and positive. You make me feel jealous and angry and sad! But I also feel so happy when you smile at me, so alive when I see your anger and passion." Fiona was using all her strength not to become hysterical, she didn't want to embarrass herself further; but the incredulous look on Holly J's face was making her nervous. "Have you ever thought about it? Please, try and think about it, okay?"
"Think about…?"
"Being with a girl Holly J!"
Holly J turned her head so she could see down the hallway; she turned back to Fiona. "Will you stop being so loud? And no, I will not think about it. Aren't you people always saying how it's not about choice? I'll do you a favor, okay, I'll just forget this ever happened, how's that sound?" With that she walked around Fiona and left the auditorium.
Fiona's wounded pride won out over her hurt feelings, and she lashed out in anger. "What else would I expect from such a cold, heartless monster!" Holly J paused by the door, turning just her head and shoulder to look back. Fiona lowered her voice to an intimidating growl, "Don't you dare say anything to my brother about this."
"Didn't I say I'd forget it." With that Holly J power walked her way away from the auditorium. Fiona was left standing there feeling like a vacuum had opened up inside her mind; her vision appeared tunneled and the silence in the empty room was far too overbearing. She was hurting everywhere, as if every part of her body had taken Holly J's side against her, from her burning forehead to her throbbing ankles. But she paid no mind to anything but the stinging in her eyes and the slow migration of pain as her heart hardened.
The most coherent thought in Fiona's head as she headed for the office was, why does he always win?
She could not know the effect her words had had on Holly J. The words, 'heartless bitch' had been used many times to describe her. But 'monster'? She'd seen the word behind many nervous eyes, even in her friends eyes, but no one had ever said it aloud. Fiona had struck a chord, and Holly J didn't let anyone get away with that.