Fiona inspected her swelled, red-rimmed eyes; she hadn't been crying, but she had been holding tears back.. The pride and satisfaction she normally felt at seeing her beautiful face was gone. Her eyes were wide and abnormally bright. She was on the verge of tears, as usual; and, as usual, she was trying to subdue her emotions.
When her lower lip and jaw began to spasm, she turned on the water to splash on her face.
It seems this always happened to her; she would let her pride get the best of her and lead her to unashamedly pursue her desires, and she end would up nursing her wounds alone in secret. Her pride caused her to be a loner, it drove her to be selfish and self-centered; mostly it is why she would often be so cruel. But, the cruel things she did, she seldom regretted.
She regretted calling Holly J a monster and cold-hearted.
After all, it isn't true. Is it? Isn't that what attracted me in the first place. I guess I only appreciate it when it's not directed at me…typical.
She thought about all that she had observed of Holly J. Nothing in particular would indicate a warm or big heart. The closest thins was her doey-eyed expression while looking at Declan, but that was really only admiration. It couldn't be love; or more like, she wouldn't be able to stand it if it were love.
Distantly she heard the phone ringing. Stepping out of the bathroom she picked up the phone on the table near the stairs.
"Coyne residence, Fiona speaking."
"Hey Fi" Declan's voice came through the receiver. He sounded strange; like he was cautious, or worried. Fiona felt a lump in her throat. Does he know?
"Declan, hi. Why are you calling home?"
"Well you disappeared from school, then Mrs. Crass told me you went home sick. Is everything alright?"
"I'm fine, don't worry. I lied really; I was just feeling really tired and wanted to go home." She tried to say it non-chalantly, but she heard the weariness in her voice and knew he must have detected it as well.
"Tired. You going because you're tired scares me more than you being sick."
"Don't be worried, it's only one day, right? You can't expect me to be one-hundred percent better so soon, I just need a little more time."
"I know, just, try not to be so secretive." Ha! If 8only he knew what he was saying. "You don't have to go through it all alone you know, I'm here for you." Not this time, Declan. This time you're there for her.
"Yes, I know; and thank-you for checking on me, you're a good brother; but I'm going to take a nap. Or, I might go out for coffee instead." She decided to try and help her brother worry less.
"Yea, try to get out please, it'll be good for you. I love you Fiona, and I want you to be okay, that's the most important thing to me- that you're okay."
"I am. I love you too, bye."
She didn't really know what to do. The quiet of the house was like a ringing in her ears. She felt a strong uncomfortable sensation in her stomach- her conflicting feelings toward Declan that arose with his unintentional guilt trip. Maybe a nap would be for the best.
So getting to her room, she spread out the expensive curtains covering her windows to block out any light. Thankfully the exquisite fabric was thick enough to leave the room very dark. Yet she knew it would be unlikely that she would fall asleep, what with so much on her mind, and because she wasn't really so much tired as listless.
And predictably, sleep escaped her, and laying in bed only brought back the painful feeling in her stomach and head, plus the threat of tears if she let her mind wonder even for a second to the memory of her earlier encounter with Holly J.
I suppose I could finish my novel, but this migraine will make it hell and it won't take my mind off anything. Maybe I should get some coffee, Declan was right, being in the presence of other people may be the distraction I need.
She wondered for a bit if she should go to the dot, but decided against it and instead settled on a somewhat pretentious little Café close to the rented manse. So she called up the driver and re-dressed.
While she sipped her Almond Milk latte she wrestled with her mind, which was trying to replay the confrontation with Holly J. Scenes of her hysteria would pip up and she would cringe from the embarrassment. She wished she had handled things better. Perhaps a calm discussion over coffee would have been more productive, or significantly less mortifying.
Instead, she had to try and appeal to Holly J's compassionate side; and realized too late that Holly J had no such side. Ironically enough, that only made Fiona want her more. She often wondered if she were a masochist. It wouldn't surprise her, after all that last month alone she'd made a fool of herself at the musical auditions, fell in love with a straight, untouchable girl, and then confronted said girl.
If she weren't in public she would have thrown the porcelain cup against the wall.
Could she just get over her infatuation with Holly J already? Perhaps she could find another girl. But most public school girls were really on the bottom of her desperation list. And, as long as she still had one last option, she would not sink to desperation.
There was a problem though; the option she had left was to confront Declan directly. This was a very complicated situation. She wasn't wholly sure Declan knew she was a lesbian. She suspected he knew, and had known for a long time. She had never officially come out, but they were so close, it would be a bigger shock to found out that he didn't know.
Beyond that, would it really be right for her to involve him in this? She was without doubt or denial callous to most people, but family was important to her, especially her brother. More so, she had been going on and on about how she hated public school and was appalled at the very idea of having to attend since the day they started at Degrassi. Declan, on the other hand, was excited about the opportunity. Here, amongst the "commoners" he could show his true potential, for as perfect as he had always been, it was hard even for him to excel and gain respect from the snobby peers of their past.
But then again, there was the conversation they had had about her getting involved with school and to stop appearing to be a loner. It was a discussion they'd had many times before. So maybe he would understand and want to help. He, likewise, put family first. And the conversation on the phone….Had he not said his want for her health and happiness was the most important thing?
She lifted her drink to her lips, nodding her head as she sipped the cooling beverage. Picturing Declan's reaction and thinking only one thing…
She had better be worth all of this.