Sheer royal purple curtains fluttered in the breeze from the open window, Fiona could smell the city- the scent of cars and asphalt; she wished she could smell of ash and sea in their Greek getaway, the musky floral scent of Italy, or the smell of baked goods and fancy cigarettes in their home in France. In those places there had always been adventure; there had always been more than going to school where out of hundreds of people no one understood her. In Paris, no one gawked at her for wearing designer trends or for having flawless make-up and hair. In Rome, no one thought she was overdramatic or too theatrical; they were all like that- passionate.
She would want to think of herself as passionate rather than overdramatic, or overbearing; and why does the world insist on calling it crazy anyway? Because she wants to fill life with something other than being in a relationship with someone she could only dislike, and playing a role she is not cut out for she is unhealthy?
The breeze brought in the stuffiness of summer but she was too tired or too uncaring to get up and close the window. She remembered a least a bit of what happened before she woke up in her room.
She was unsure about whether Holly J was even there or if she had ever been with her to begin with. She vaguely remembered the conversation in the washroom but as far as she knew that was two days or a week ago; there was a large possibility it had been a dream. After all, she was lying in bed and had no recollection of leaving school or getting home. Maybe she had imagined the whole thing and now she was lying in bed trying to remember a forgotten dream.
Therefore, she was shocked when Holly J walked in with a glass of water, a pill bottle, and poorly hidden expression of extreme stress.
"I brought you some aspirin; you've been acting like your head hurts", she emphasized her point by talking low and softly.
Ignoring the proffered pill and glass, Fiona asked, "How did we get here?"
"You don't remember? I guess I'm not surprised you were kind of out of it. I called us a taxi."
"The Holly J left school early all for me? I must be special. Or else I did something crazy again…."
"Not really, at least not in front of anyone. We were in the bathroom and you starting crying…I couldn't just leave you in the bathroom or something could I?"
Fiona rolled her eyes in her usual drama-queen manner. "Ugh. That is so embarrassing. I guess I should have gotten more sleep or something." She shrugged as if to say that was the end of that. Avoiding Holly J's eyes, she reached out for the aspirin.
Holly J looked skeptical; she wanted to say more obviously, but had no idea how to go about without upsetting Fiona. At last, she seemed to settle on honesty, "I don't think so Fiona. It seems that you've been sort of…unstable lately."
Fiona, who was chugging the water as daintily as possible, ceased drinking; she lowered the glass slowly while eyeing Holly J. She looked livid. "Unstable". She echoed, laughing. "I've heard that one before. That's just a cowardly way of saying crazy; I can't count how many times my brother or my parents have thrown that in my face! It's just easy that way, isn't it? Because when you say unstable, it makes it sound like you care! But no one does, no one cares how I'm really feeling, or why! They only care about how inconvenient is for them; then I quiet down and it's all better- regardless of the fact I'm still hurting!"
Holly J, clearly taken aback by her abrupt change in demeanor, opened and closed her mouth, speechless. "I don't know what to say. How long have you felt like this?"
Fiona averted her eyes to the comforter; her anger was gone already and instead she looked exhausted and sad. She stared down at the bed for a few seconds before answering the question. "When Declan and I were in fifth grade, he was already starting to overachieve. He was bringing home perfect grades and perfect friends who looked to him as their leader; he was dad's shining star. And as for me- well it didn't matter that school was harder for me because I had my trust found. The fact I couldn't seem to keep a single friend didn't matter because I was such a pretty girl and one day I would have a rich husband because of it. The other girls would always hate me for it, but I would be happy because of attention from men. What a joke", she finished bitterly.
Holly J, appalled, asked, "Who told you that, your mother?"
"No, I heard it all when my parents were talking to their friends and our extended family- it was like a running joke to them. That I would be hated by other women.
Holly J nodded as Fiona started to make more sense. "And then you grew up and realized you're gay. That is pretty messed up."
"You forgot the part about Declan; who he was always perfect. No matter where we went he made friends."
"You mean he charmed girls. Fiona, that's not making friends."
"But, why is it so hard for anyone to like me? Why does everyone like Declan right away, but with me it's like everyone just knows who I am and thinks it's a joke?"
"That's just it, Fiona. They don't know you. You're not like anyone else; people can't understand or define you so they chose to only see the shallow, emotional, outer Fiona. If anyone bothered to really get to know you, they would see that you're really special. I know from personal experience."
"Yea and you also said I'm unstable."
"Look, if you are unstable, then that's not your fault- it's the fault of your parents for moving you around the world like they did and for not listening to you. Don't blame yourself for other people's mistakes."
"What should I do?"
"Just, be you. Don't rely so much on Declan; you can make friends of your own, you just have to open up a little. Besides, you have me now." She wrapped her arm around Fiona's shoulder and squeezed. "I also really think you should talk to your mom about this."
"Maybe, I just want to sleep now though. You can go ahead home, thank-you so much."
"I don't think that's a good idea. I should wait until Declan gets home at least"
"Won't that be awkward? Really, I'll be fine; I'm just going to sleep I promise. Besides since we left early the first thing he's going to do is check on me."
"Okay, if you're sure. I do have an essay to right tonight. Call me later to check in, okay?"
It took effort for Fiona to refrain from snickering at this caring ad passive version of Holly J, so she just smiled and said, "of course".
Holly J leaned in for a hug, she hesitated slightly as if wondering if she should try kissing Fiona, but she ended up only pressing her face against her neck. For some reason Fiona was relieved.
"Bye." She watched Holly J walk out of her room; she waited until she was sure the other girl was gone before grabbing her phone. She dialed the number for her usual taxi service.