I don't own Glee.
You've Got Me If You Want Me: Chapter 9
"You've got to eat, Kurt," Seth said, sitting on the edge of the chair next to the quiet boy. Kurt looked up at him with dead eyes but nodded. They secret couple had been tense around each other since the day Dave attacked Seth and Kurt found that it was just easier to agree. He took another bite of mashed potatoes, grinning slightly when Seth gave him a round of applause. "Five more bites."
Kurt sighed, wincing as he swallowed the food. He looked across the dinning room Dave who was sitting quietly with Connor and AJ. The jock hadn't talked to Kurt since he returned from level four. His eyes moved over to Connor who was secretly putting his food on AJ's plate. Kurt smirked and wondered if he should start sitting with someone else so he could try it. Seth looked around real quick before placing a hand on Kurt's thigh.
"I know you're still mad at me," he whispered, moving so his back blocked the view of the nurses. "But you still need to eat. I'm worried about you; it's like you're wasting away in front of my eyes." Kurt let out a shaky breath, staring at the table.
"I'm sorry," Kurt whispered, taking another bite. He was just so tired of everything. Seth gently rubbed his back, whispering how proud he was of the younger boy as Kurt finished his five bites and nothing more.
"Good enough," Seth sighed, picking up Kurt's plate and walking away. Kurt crossed his arms over his chest and crossed his legs, staring down at his anklet. When he had gotten to Oak Front Hills it had been tight against his skin. Now it hung loose and Kurt was sure that if he lost a bit more weight he might be able to slide it off over his foot. He had just begun picking at the last few scabs on his arms when he felt someone staring at him.
Kurt looked up to see Dave watching him closely. The jock looked pale and sadder than Kurt had ever seen. He was pushing his food around on his plate, occasionally taking a bite. Dave didn't look away when Kurt caught him looking. Kurt swallowed thickly before mouthing: 'I'm sorry.'
Dave looked down then, setting his fork down on the table. He put his head in his hands and Kurt was sure he saw a small sob escape the boy. When Dave looked up again, his eyes were red. 'I'm sorry, too," he mouthed back. Kurt was ready to cross the room when Seth appeared behind him and took his elbow.
"Let's go," the orderly murmured. Kurt sighed but nodded his head. He rose to his feet, his legs shaking slightly. He never looked away from Dave as he left the room. In fact, he didn't even blink. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down when he got onto the elevator, his breath coming in bursts.
"You okay?" Seth asked, running a hand over Kurt's upper arm. Kurt shook his head.
"I don't feel good," Kurt whispered back. As soon as the elevator door opened, Kurt dove, falling onto a trashcan and vomiting everything he had ate at dinner.
"Kurt!" Seth yelled, crouching down to rub the boy's back. "Hey, you're okay, you're okay."
"I just, I hate this. I hate everything!" Kurt sobbed, hugging his knees to his chest.
"I know. I know, buddy," Seth whispered, tugging at Kurt's elbow. "Don't worry about staying up tonight. You just work on getting some rest." Kurt sniffled but got to his feet, nodding at Seth. He took his pills and bit his lip as Seth explained to Mrs. Tyme that Kurt was sick and needed to go to bed early. The nurse slammed things around as she went to the back to get his sleeping pill early.
Kurt swallowed the pill, closing his eyes in discomfort. He fallowed Seth down the hallway and slowly crawled onto his bed. Seth looked both ways, stepping back to check if anyone could see them. He quickly stepped into Kurt's room and brushed the boy's hair back from his face.
"Everything's going to be just fine," Seth whispered as he kissed Kurt's forehead. "Good night, beautiful."
Kurt burrowed in his bed, tears pouring out of his eyes. He didn't bother to answer.
"Hey Connor?" Dave asked quietly as the moved to the TV room. Dave bit his lip as he watched Seth walk back from the direction of Kurt's room.
"Yeah, dude?" Connor answered, pulling his shirt up to make sure no extra fat was present from the food they had made him eat.
"While I was…While I was gone, was Kurt okay? I mean did you notice anything different about him?" Connor paused for a moment, cocking his head to the side in thought.
"He was quiet. I mean more so than normal. He seemed to shy away from Seth a lot, too, which is weird since he normally flocks to him. Why? Is something up? Why did you hit him, anyway?"
"Uh," Dave said, shifting in his chair. "No reason, really. I was just having a bad day and kind of snapped."
"Dude, I totally get it. Back at my high school I took a fucking folding chair to our gym teacher 'cause the voices told me, too." Dave furrowed his brow but didn't say anything. "Hey, you think you could cover for me? I want to try to get rid of some of this food."
"Um, no. I'm sorry, man, but I can't convince Kurt to keep eating if I'm letting you purge all the time." Connor sighed, staring at Dave for a moment.
"You love him, don't you?" He asked finally. Dave bit his lip as he shrugged. "You know, you keep saying he doesn't eat. But I think he looks awesome."
"Yeah, well don't encourage him. He's a big enough a mess without being like you." With that, Dave got up and crossed the room. Seth walked past him, pausing slightly. Dave took a deep breath before turning to the orderly.
"I, uh….I'm sorry, man. Bad day." Seth nodded his understanding.
"Just make sure it doesn't happen again."
"I want to talk about the attack again, Kurt," Dr. Barker said, his voice cheery and bright. Kurt froze, staring at him with wide eyes.
"Well I don't," he said, turning away.
"You have said that Blaine approached you outside the dormitory. He asked you to come inside so he could show you something he had prepared for show choir, correct?" Kurt flinched but nodded his head. "Blaine then took you upstairs to his room. What was waiting there?"
Kurt bit his lip, shifting so his hands were clasped in his lap. "He took me to his room. He had a single so he didn't have any roommates. I expected that we were going to be alone and that we would kiss and mess around a bit like we always did."
"But?" Dr. Barker encouraged, his pin held right above the notebook.
"…But we weren't alone. There were people in his room. A lot of people. They were all the older members of the Warblers. And I…I asked Blaine what was going on because everyone was just staring at me with this…this…hungry look on their faces."
"What happened next, Kurt?" Dr. Barker asked quietly.
"Jeff was closest to the door and he grabbed my arm," Kurt said, his voice barely above a whisper. "He pulled me into the room and Trevor shut and locked the door. They…they pushed me down onto the bed and started taking my uniform off of me. They…they ripped my blazer…" Kurt trailed off again, not understanding why that was important. He cleared his throat before continuing.
"There were so many people in the room, and they were all holding me down somehow except two people. One of them was Blaine. He was standing by my head and he kept brushing my hair out of my face and smiling at me. He smiled at me!"
"Who was the other person, Kurt?"
"He was a senior Warbler member…His name was John and I used to think he was attractive. He…He was the one who pulled my pants off. He kept touching my…touching my penis. And then he shoved into me. There was no warning, he just stopped touching my penis and pushed his into me. I didn't even know he had taken his pants off." Kurt licked his lips, his eyes filling with tears. "And my body betrayed me! I got hard when he was hurting me…"
"Sometimes that happens, Kurt. I'm sorry but sometimes our body doesn't realize that we are going through something traumatic. The only thing our body will realize is that this is a sexual act and it's supposed to feel good." Dr. Barker paused for a moment and wrote some things down on his notebook. "Now, can you tell me anything else?"
"Blaine…he never touched me," Kurt whispered. "He just watched. He didn't hurt me."
"But he did, Kurt," Dr. Barker said. "He may not have physically hurt you, but he was a part of what happened. He didn't even try to stop what happened to you. In fact, he lead you to it, like a lamb to slaughter."
"He was there for me!" Kurt yelled, his eyes furious. "He was there for me all those times after!"
"Did he ever talk about it, Kurt? Did he ask about how you felt?"
"No. I didn't want to talk about it. But he didn't treat me any different!" Kurt was rocking back and forth, his body shaking with anger.
"But he's part of the reason you feel the way you do, Kurt. He may not have physically hurt you and he may not have treated you any different. But Blaine played a big part in what makes you as upset as you are." The two men stayed quiet for a while, Kurt's breath coming out in bursts. "That's it for today, Kurt. It's time for dinner, anyway."
Seth wasn't working that night so Kurt wasn't watched as closely. He ran his hands over the edge of the table, pausing slightly when he felt a loose bit of trim. He bit his lip as he glanced over at the nurses and orderlies patrolling the room. Taking a deep breath, he tugged at the trim, wincing at the sound it made. Luckily, it was loud enough in the room that no one heard it. He carefully rolled it into the waistband of his pants, planning to use it later.
That night, Kurt tongued his sleeping pill, wanting to have a bit longer to work. He kept his vision forward as he was escorted to his room and carefully sat down as he was locked in. He waited until the light in the hallway went out before pulling the trim out of his waistband.
He looked at his pale arms, sighing slightly. Scars littered his skin, some darker than others. He traced the darkest, the one he had hoped would kill him the night he attempted suicide. Kurt bit his lip before picking the metal trim up with a shaky hand. He pressed down, whimpering in delight at the feeling. It had been so long since he felt like he was alive. Long before that day.
Kurt used the trim to cut for a few hours. He added more cuts to his thighs, grinning at the way the blood bubbled before dripping down his leg. His hands began to shake as he added more cuts to his arms. Finally he swallowed his sleeping pill, curling up to fall asleep. He didn't even care that he was getting blood all over his sheets.
"Time to wake up, Kurt," Ms. Higgins said in her cheerful voice. She pulled his door open and moved to pull the blanket off of him. She gasped when she saw the blood. "Help!" She screamed, searching the pale boy's body for a pulse. She let out a sigh in relief when she found one and helped an orderly move him over to a gurney to move him to the infirmary.
Kurt woke up a few hours later, his wrist and thighs wrapped tight with gauze. Dr. Barker stood over him and marked things in his chart.
"What were you thinking, Kurt?" Dr. Barker asked, adjusting the IV Kurt hadn't even realized he had.
"I wasn't," the boy whispered, closing his eyes. Dr. Barker sighed but nodded.
"Get some sleep," he whispered, shaking his head at the injured boy. One step forward and two steps back.
"Where's Kurt?" Dave asked as the Level Threes joined together for group therapy. Connor flopped down next to him, crossing his arms.
"I saw them taking him downstairs on a gurney this morning," the skinny teen supplied. "He looked pretty bloody." Dave stood up quickly, limping slightly when his knee acted up. He limped over to Ms. Higgins who turned to him in surprise.
"What's wrong, Dave?" she asked, laying her notebook on her chair.
"Where's Kurt?" He asked again, his eyes pleading. The nurse sighed, swallowing thickly. She squeezed Dave's arm slightly, smiling sadly.
"Kurt had a bit of an accident last night," she said sadly. "He's just going to spend a couple days in the infirmary to get his strength back up and heal."
"Is he okay?" Dave asked, his face worried.
"He just took a couple steps back with his treatment. He'll get better, Dave, you'll see."
"Can I see him?" Dave asked, shifting so his weight was off his bad knee.
"I'm sorry, Dave, but you can't. You'll be able to talk to him when he comes back though. I promise."
Dave sighed but moved back to sit next to Connor who was complaining about how fattening the food at Oak Front Hills was. He looked up slightly as Seth entered the room, his face pale. Dave glared at the orderly who shook his head back. Dave looked away. If they were going to help Kurt, Dave realized that fighting was not going to help anything. He shook his head, clearing his mind as he listened to AJ ramble on about his other personality he called Samuel.
It was going to be a long day.
AN: I hope you liked it. Please review.