"Please, Konan, please! It'll be fun, I promise!" Tobi whined.
Konan looked at Tobi doubtfully, and then around at the faces of the majority of her fellow Akatsuki members. Their expressions ranged from annoyed, to amused, to thoroughly peeved off (this last one was especially true for Deidara, who was once again forcibly restrained).
"Fine," she sighed, resigned. It would only take ten minutes at most, anyway. How bad could it be?
She joined the group gathered around the rarely-used Akatsuki fireplace. The S-ranked criminals usually worked in the reasonably sized, more comfortable area when they were sick of the confines of their individual rooms.
Now they were gathered here to listen to Tobi's latest fairytale. Well, some of them were. The others just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Kakuzu was experimenting with his threads again; causing Deidara to look at him rather suspiciously (it had taken Sasori quite a while to find an antidote for the poison on the threads, and Deidara wasn't in any hurry to repeat that experience.) Kakuzu didn't seem to be paying the least attention to what was going on around him.
Kakuzu's partner, Hidan, was lounging around loudly, purely because he was too lazy to move off the couch he was occupying. This wasn't unusual, and, although it was a bother when he swore at everyone in sight just because he felt like it, the other members of the Akatsuki had long since learned to ignore him.
Itachi was sitting a comfy armchair, and seemed the only one who was actually looking forwards to the story (Konan imagined that he hadn't had much of a childhood). His partner, Kisame, also looked slightly intrigued, although it was far more likely that he was here simply because Itachi was, and had no one to train with if the Uchiha wasn't available.
Pein was hunched over a small wooden desk in the corner, scanning papers and budgets and missions like the workaholic he was. Although it looked like he was taking the advice Konan had given him several days ago and gotten out of "that dingy office of his". Konan was tempted to point out that it didn't count if he was still doing work, but it was a start, right?
Sasori was fiddling with another puppet of his - a common pastime that everyone was used to, much like Hidan's annoying personality. He was currently working on what appeared to be an arm of some sort, but you never could tell until it was finished. Konan also didn't like the look of the various bottles of poison that was surrounding him.
And as for Zetsu…well, no one ever knew what he was doing. He had shut himself off to the outside world by closing the leaves over his head, although Konan noticed that he sometimes opened them slightly to peak out.
"Is everyone ready for story time?" Tobi asked excitedly as he ushered Konan to a seat by the bound Deidara. There was no reply except for a "hn" from Itachi, but Tobi seemed to take everyone else's silence as confirmation.
"Okay then! I'm going to read Jack and the Beanstalk! Except it will now be called "Jack and the Zetsu!" Isn't that awesome!" Tobi beamed brightly at Zetsu as he said this, who peaked out from behind his leaves.
"No way." Zetsu said bluntly. Tobi's grin faltered.
"Aw, be a good sport, Zetsu-san. Or should I say be a good sprout!" Tobi giggled at his not-so-amusing joke. He was the only one who did.
Zetsu glared, and although it was usually hard to read his expression as his face was…well, not normal, he tended to give out this "I like to eat people and you are next on my list" vibe that got his point across pretty well.
Tobi looked nervous at this, but he wasn't giving up his story time that easily.
"Please, Other-Half-Of-Zetsu?" Tobi begged the black half (which was the half that hadn't spoken yet). The black half remained silent.
"Please, please, please, please!" Tobi begged again. "Wouldn't you just love to hear a story! Everyone loves fairytales, right?"
Half of Zetsu shrugged, his eyes fixed on the masked man. "It might be fun…" He said hesitantly. Zetsu's white side seemed to take offense at this.
"No! We are not being a beanstalk!" He insisted. The black half shrugged.
"Why not? I want to hear a fairy tale, and I think it is cool that we are part of it. Please? Just this once?"
The white half of Zetsu paused for a moment, before giving a resigned sigh.
"Alright," he told Tobi. "Carry on with the story."
Tobi grinned happily. "Thank you, both halves of Zetsu!" he exclaimed, before beginning.
"Once upon a time there was a poor boy called Jack, and his mother," Tobi said, and then he paused.
"Who will be Jack?" He asked. He looked around the Akatsuki members, who all immediately pointed to someone else, except for Deidara, who couldn't. As this left him relatively helpless, almost everyone pointed to him, with the exception of Sasori, who was busy, and Konan, who pointed at Hidan.
"Deidara it is!" Tobi exclaimed cheerfully, much to Deidara's dismay. This was made up for somewhat when Tobi added, "And Hidan can be Jack's - I mean Deidara's - mother."
This caused Hidan to sit up in outrage, and the rest of the Akatsuki to break out in sniggers that made them sound like they were a bunch of school children rather than an organised, S-rank criminal organisation.
"What the fuck!" Hidan exclaimed. "There's no way in hell that I am being that shit's mother!"
Konan whispered behind her hand to Pein, "I noticed that he only objected to being Deidara's mother, and not some grumpy old lady." Luckily Hidan didn't hear her.
"Language, Hidan," Tobi said haughtily, before glancing down at the book he held. Deidara wondered why he even bothered to have it. It seemed pointless due to the fact that Tobi modified the story so much.
"Once upon a time there was a poor boy called Deidara and his mother called Hidan," Tobi began again. Hidan let out a string of swearwords as his name was mentioned, but ceased quickly when Kakuzu threatened to sew his mouth shut like he had Deidara's. If there was anything that Hidan prized more than his religion, then it was his ability to talk (and, of course, to swear).
"Deidara and Hidan were very poor. They lived in a tiny house and all they owned was some sparse furnishings and a cow.
"One day Deidara's mother said to him, "Deidara, my son, we no longer have enough money to feed ourselves. We shall have to sell our cow. I want you to take her to the market and sell her for the highest price you can get."
"Deidara agreed to do this, and the next morning he set out to the market. On his way, he met a small, eccentric-looking man.
"The man inquired politely as to where Deidara was going. When he heard that he was travelling to the market, he exclaimed: "Why go all that way to sell your cow when I can offer you seven magic beans in exchange! Then you can go straight home and tell your mother of the bargain you got!"
"Deidara was delighted to have some magic beans, and readily accepted. But when he got home, Hidan was furious. "You foolish boy!" She screamed at him. "You have been tricked, and know we are even poorer than we were before!" And with that, she grabbed the handful of beans and threw them out the window.
"Deidara went to bed hungry that night, but while he was asleep something very unusual happened outside.
"When Deidara awoke the next morning he found a huge beanstalk," Tobi paused. "Uh, I mean Zetsu. When Deidara awoke he found a huge Zetsu outside his bedroom window. It went up and up and up, all the way into the clouds.
"Now Deidara was an adventurous boy, and he hastily began to climb the Zetsu, eager to see what was above the clouds. What he found was a giant palace. Curious as to know who lived inside such a marvellous place, he knocked on the door.
"The door swung open to reveal," Tobi paused for a moment, "a blue haired female ogre the size of a house!"
Konan sat up in offense. "Are you saying I'm fat!" She exclaimed angrily. Tobi took a nervous step back in the face of her wrath and continued very hurriedly with the story.
"Uh, the blue haired ogress, uh," Tobi quailed again under Konan's glare.
"Erm, Kisame the ogress looked down at Deidara with worry."
Tobi silently congratulated himself for his quick thinking as Itachi sniggered at his partner's horror-struck expression.
"She wrung her hand's on her apron and said "Oh no! You had better run away, little boy. My husband eats little people like you!"
"Then all of a sudden booming footsteps echoed all around them and Kisame gasped. "Oh dear! I had better hide you or my husband will eat you!"
"Hastily she scooped Deidara up and put him in the oven where he would be hidden. Kisame's husband's voice boomed throughout the castle as he bellowed:
Fee, fie, fo, fer,
I smell the blood of an Akatsuki member.
Be he alive or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread.
"Kisame tried to cover up for Deidara. "That's just the smell of your soup cooking, Itachi dear," she said."
"I do hope that you did not just make me Kisame's ogre husband, Tobi," Itachi said calmly. His tone, however, was dangerous and caused Tobi to gulp in fear.
"Of course not, Itachi-san," Tobi said.
"Kisame tried to cover up for Deidara. "That's just the smell of your soup cooking, Pein dear," she said."
"The giant seemed to believe Kisame, and he shouted "Bring me my purse." Kisame did as she was bid.
"The ogre took the purse form his wife and began counting the money, but Pein's eyes grew heavy and he soon fell asleep.
"When Deidara heard the snoring, he jumped out from his hiding place and ran to the purse on the table. Picking it up, he clambered as fast as he could climb down the Zetsu. When he reached the ground he showed Hidan what he had got. "Oh well done, Deidara!" She exclaimed. "Now we shall have enough money to feed ourselves for years to come!"
"And that night Deidara did not go to bed hungry.
"But when he awoke again the next morning, he climbed the Zetsu again, eager for another adventure. He walked swiftly to the giant castle and knocked on the door. It was answered by the Kisame, who said nervously, "I told you my husband eats little people like you. You should run away and never come back.
"But Deidara wanted to be there when the giant returned again, and he engaged the ogress in a conversation. He kept her talking until once again they heard booming footsteps.
"Kisame did not want to see Deidara eaten and hastily brought him inside and hid him behind the salt jar. The giant's voice rang out again.
"Fee, fie, fo, fer,
I smell the blood of and Akatsuki member.
Be he alive or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread."
"His wife tutted. "Don't be silly, Pein dear, that is just the smell of your bread baking."
"Once again, Pein believed her. "Bring me hen!" He demanded. Kisame did as she was bid.
"The ogre took the pure-white hen from his wife and shouted "Lay!" To Deidara's amazement, the hen laid a golden egg. Again and again the hen laid more golden eggs, until there were twelve golden eggs on the table. Pein then fell asleep.
"When Deidara heard the snoring, he jumped out of his hiding place and snatched up the hen. He then climbed down the Zetsu as fast as he could and delivered the hen to his mother.
"Hidan was very pleased with her son. "Now we will have money for the rest of our lives," she exclaimed.
"The next morning, Deidara climbed the Zetsu once more. He headed straight for the ogress's house, and when she answered he began to talk to her again. As Deidara had planned, the ogre soon arrived home.
"This time Deidara hid behind in a cupboard, as the huge plates he was sitting on began to shake due to the ogre's giant voice booming:
"Fee, fie, fo, fer,
I smell the blood of and Akatsuki member.
Be he alive or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread."
"His wife placated him once more, and this time Pein demanded, "Fetch me my golden harp!"
"Kisame did as she was bid and set a harp wrought of pure gold with beautiful fine strings down on the table.
"Pein boomed out "Play!" And the harp began to play of its own accord. Soon the soothing tune had the ogre asleep.
"Once more, Deidara darted out to steal the harp, but as it was lifted from the table it stopped playing. Deidara sprinted for the exit as the giant awoke.
"Deidara had a head start, but he was smaller than the ogre and not as fast. Soon Pein's loud footsteps came booming after him, and Pein bellowed "Where's my harp!"
"Deidara scrambled down the Zetsu, and when he reached the bottom he screamed for his mother. Hidan came running, and when she understood what was happening she reached for her giant scythe.
"Quickly Hidan cut through the Zetsu and Pein fell to his death. The Zetsu never grew again, and Deidara never got hold of anymore magic beans. But Hidan and her son lived in happiness and wealth for the rest of their lives."
"The End."
Tobi looked up proudly from his story. "Wasn't Tobi a good boy," He asked happily. Pein looked slightly disgruntled that he was the ogre, and the same could be said about Kisame. But Itachi looked slightly amused at his partner's indignation.
"Why did I have to be the ogress!" Kisame demanded. Tobi shrugged.
"And what happened to me in the end? Did I get a happy ending? I wasn't even mentioned, was I?"
"I think you might be taking this too seriously, Kisame," Itachi said softly, but everyone could see that he didn't really mind the shark-man's antics. Kisame walked of in a huff, obviously offended by his partner's lack of support. Konan could have sworn he was muttering something about "Unfair treatment of fairytale characters".
"You killed us!" Zetsu's black half exclaimed. Tobi cowered away from the Akatsuki members that were looking at him in a murderous way. Oddly enough, Hidan wasn't one of them. He was too busy explaining to Kakuzu just how awesome he would have been at cutting down "The Zetsu".
"See, this is why we should not be okay with being beanstalks," Zetsu's white half scolded. His black half looked indignant.
"It would have been okay had we not been killed," he argued.
"But we didn't get to kill anyone, or even eat them. Vegetation never gets to do anything fun."
Tobi was taking advantage of Zetsu's distractions to attempt to sneak out. However, Pein noticed this.
"Tobi," he said, in an overly-friendly manner. "How would you like a mission to destroy Iwagakure? It is an extremely important mission, and I think you would be up to its difficulty…"
"Really?" Tobi asked, excited.
"Pein!" Konan hissed. "What are you doing? We need Iwagakure for out next plan to work. And Tobi will get himself killed."
"Very true, Konan, very true."
Konan shook her head as she watched their retreating figures. Poor Tobi, she thought. Although he should have known better than to annoy Leader-sama…