"One day, walking through a forest of tall trees there was a beautiful young girl with long, golden hair-
"Hey, Sempai! It's you again! Hm…it says here that your name is Goldilocks. Silly story, everyone knows that Deidara Sempai's name is Deidara."
Deidara, for the first time was not bound by ropes. He wasn't even bound by chains, or any other material commonly used to tie people up so they could endure horrifying torture (as Deidara had for the past three fairytales).
No, Deidara was sitting on the couch, along with the rest of the Akatsuki, apparently listening to the fairytale of his own accord.
But although it might look like as though Deidara was having fun, the truth was that he was not enjoying it at all. The only reason why he appeared willing was because of the tiny strings of chakra that connected Sasori to the blonde.
"Tobi will just take a look at the other characters…Oh! Who wants to be a bear? There are three of them, so there is no need to fight over it!"
The rest of the Akatsuki looked at Tobi sceptically. None of them seemed the least bit anxious to be one of the bears in the fairytale, but then again…from the outside, the Akatsuki looked like a fearsome organization of S-ranked ninja, yet here they were gathering around like a bunch of preschoolers so that they could listen to "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".
Appearances could be deceiving.
"Kakuzu is bear-like," Hidan said. "He's angry, violent, and constantly wants to rip your fucken head off."
"Alright then!" Tobi exclaimed. "Kakuzu can be the papa-bear. Who's going to be the mama-bear?"
There was a moment of silence before Hidan snorted. "What shit's gonna want to be married to Kakuzu?" He jeered.
Tobi frowned. "Well, you are his partner, so Tobi thinks that you are the best candidate. Everyone, Hidan's the mama-bear. Who's going to be the baby-bear?"
"Why don't you be someone for once," Itachi suggested reasonably. Tobi looked at the Uchiha as though he was an idiot.
"Don't be ridiculous, Itachi-san!" He said. "Tobi can't be a character, Tobi is the narrator! Kisame-san can be the baby-bear."
"Why me?" Kisame protested.
"You are the only one left who won't try to kill him," Itachi said in a bored manner. "You are too soft on him."
"Quiet!" The masked man said. "Tobi is trying to tell a story!"
"One day, walking through a forest of tall trees there was a beautiful young girl with long, golden hair. She came upon a small cottage on her travels, and decided to enter.
"She knocked on the door, but no one answered. This was because the bears that lived in the cottage had gone on a walk in order to let their porridge cool.
"Disregarding the "trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again," sign on the front of the mansion-"
"I thought it was a cottage, un?" Deidara interrupted.
"Sempai! No talking! See, Kakuzu-san! This is why Tobi wanted you to sew his mouth up!"
"But he is right. You told us it was a cottage, and then you said mansion," Kisame argued. "And the sign didn't sound like something a group of bears would have on their front door. Wouldn't they just eat trespassers?"
Tobi glared at the shark-man. "Who is telling the story, Kisame-san? Now, can Tobi continue?"
"She broke into the cottage-"
Deidara whispered to Sasori "See, I told you it was a cottage, un," which Tobi pointedly ignored.
"By opening the door which was unlocked-"
"It's not very good security, is it?" Kakuzu pointed out. "They are probably going to get robbed."
"Kakuzu-san! Tobi is trying to tell a story!
"By opening the door which was unlocked. The first thing she saw were three steaming bowls of porridge sitting on the table. As she was feeling hungry, Deidara decided to try a spoonful of porridge.
"But as soon as the spoon of porridge touched her tongue, Deidara spat it out-"
Hidan hit Deidara on the back of his (or her) head.
"Ouch, un! What was that for!" Deidara exclaimed indignantly.
"Fucken bad table manners," Hidan said. Deidara glared at him angrily.
"Says the person who swallowed a metre long fish whole and then spat the skeleton out into Kisame's face, un!" Deidara shouted. The shark-man winced at the memory.
"But as soon as the spoon of porridge touched her tongue, Deidara spat it out." Tobi said loudly, drowning out Hidan and Deidara's argument.
"She exclaimed: "Ouch! This porridge is too hot!" Before moving onto the next plate.
But when she tasted this bowl, she spat it out once again."
Hidan hit Deidara once again, but was hit in turn by Kakuzu, who said it was "just because he felt like it." Deidara seemed to think that his revenge had been executed, and returned to listening without interrupting the story.
"Disgusted, she said: "Urgh! This porridge is too cold."
"She then moved on to the third bowl, and, after a quick taste announced: "Mmm, this porridge is just right!" before gobbling it all up.
"That was greedy of you, Deidara-san," Zetsu commented from the other side of the room. It was his black side of course; his white side was still sulking from last time.
"Then Deidara moved into the lounge, where she found three chairs of different sizes. She decided to sit down, and jumped up onto the huge chair. "Bother," She said. "This chair is too hard."
"Then she moved onto the medium sized chair. "Damn," she said. "This chair is too soft."
"You're a fussy arsehole, aren't you?" Hidan said to Deidara.
"Next she moved onto the small chair, which was tiny. But as she sat on it, it let out a loud "crack!" and splintered into a hundred pieces.
"Haha, Deidara," Hidan said. "You're fat!"
"Take that back, un!" Deidara yelled at him. Hidan only smirked.
"Sempai, pay attention!" Tobi said sternly.
"Deidara hastened out of the room and climbed the stairs to the bedrooms. Seeing three beds, she decided that she was tired. She climbed into the largest bed. "This bed is too big," she complained.
"Then she climbed into the medium sized bed. "This bed is still too big," she said unhappily."
"Then she climbed on to the smaller bed, and it was just the right size. But it was so comfortable that she feel asleep immediately."
"Haha! Lazy ass," Hidan said, kicking Deidara. Deidara would have liked to have said that this was rather hypocritical coming for Hidan, but he didn't get a chance because Sasori took the initiative to attach chakra strings to his mouth to prevent him from retaliating.
"When Kakuzu, Hidan and Kisame got home they immediately saw that there porridge had been disturbed.
"Papa-bear was furious. "Someone has been eating my porridge!" He roared.
"Mama-bear said in a high-pitched, nasally voice "Someone has been eating my porridge!"
Hidan interrupted the story to snigger. "Haha, who's the mama-bear?" He laughed. Everyone looked at him strangely.
"You are," Itachi informed him. Hidan swore.
"And when the baby-bear looked at his empty porridge bowl, he burst into tears. "Waah! Someone has been eating my porridge, and they eated it all up!"
"I would never say eated!" Kisame said, horrified. "Everyone knows that the proper way to say that would be to say "eaten".
"Once baby bear stopped crying like a little girl," Tobi continued, "The three bears moved into the lounge. "Someone has been sitting in my chair? Kakuzu boomed.
"Mama bear took one look at her chair and said "Someone has been sitting in my chair?"
"And baby bear said "Someone has been sitting in my chair, and they broke it!" And then he burst into tears."
"Why am I always crying in this story?" Kisame complained.
"And why do I never swear, Tobi? Make me swear." Hidan said. Tobi glared at the two.
"You can't swear," Tobi told Hidan. "It is a story for children. And you are a cry baby anyway, Kisame."
"Then they moved up to their bedrooms. "Who has been sleeping in my bed?" Kakuzu boomed.
" "Who has been sleeping in my bed?" Hidan asked."
"Tobi, I really think that I should use a few more swear words," Hidan said reasonably. Tobi ignored him.
"And baby bear began to cry again, saying "Someone has been sleeping in my bed, and she is still there."
"At that moment, Deidara woke up to see three gigantic bears standing over her."
Tobi snapped the book shut. The entire Akatsuki, who were all leaning forwards in their seats, looked confused.
"What? Is that it?" Pein asked, disappointed. "What happens next?"
Tobi shrugged. "Tobi doesn't know. There are too many different versions of the ending, and Tobi wouldn't want to lie to you."
"Well what are some of the endings?' Konan asked impatiently.
"Um, well in some she runs away and never goes into the forest again. Then in another she lives happily ever after with the bears. And in the third the bears rip her open with their sharp claws and eat her alive."
"What!" Konan exclaimed. "And this is a story for children?"
"Which one is the right ending, un?" Deidara asked. He didn't seem to be aware that Sasori had released the chakra strings on him as soon at the story had ended.
"I think it is the one where you got killed," Hidan jeered.
"It is not, un!" Deidara argued. "It is the one where I live happily ever after, isn't it Tobi?"
"Or I bet you ran away," Hidan continued, as though Deidara hadn't said anything. "Everyone knows that you are a chicken."
"I am not, un!"
"Chicken! Chicken!" Hidan began making chicken noises.
Itachi turned to Kisame. "Who would have thought that Deidara would defend his character so passionately? He says he hates the story, but I really doubt that."
Kisame pouted. "I am not a cry baby," He said. "I am-"
But whatever Kisame thought he was went unheard, as a loud "BANG" shook the room.
"AHH! YOU FUCKEN BLEW UP MY ARM!"
"Actually, he also got a little bit of your leg there too."
"AHH, YOU FUCKEN BLEW UP MY ARM AND MY LEG!"
"Um, he also got your-"
"Don't tell him Tobi. Let's see how long it takes him to work it out."
"DEIDARA! YOU FUCKEN BLEW ME INTO TWO PEICES!"