Dedicated to Megaphone. Kills. You who drew me an awesome picture for this story! http : / / deathnotebb. deviantart. com/# d42fp3i (Remove the spaces)
Beta: The awesome chronicxxinsanity
"Pein-sama, I… uh, don't think this is a good idea, un," Deidara said, as he looked at the baby he was holding with outstretched arms as though it was going to explode. "Why are we doing this again?"
"Our finances are low," Pein replied, ignoring the three-year-old attempting to clamber from his shoulder to the top of his head. "It was Kakuzu's idea to set up a daycare."
"Who the hell would trust us with their children?" Hidan asked.
"They didn't," Itachi said in monotone. "We stole them."
"Come again?" Hidan asked.
"These are all children from wealthy and influential families. We left a note demanding large sums of money in return for their children, safe and uninjured."
"So when you said day care, un," Deidara said suspiciously, "you actually mean these kids were kidnapped for ransom?"
"Pretty much," Pein said, as a not-so-cute blonde girl stuck her finger up his left nostril. Deidara snorted, which turned into a shriek of pain as a small boy to decided that his ponytail was a good substitute for a swing.
"Who would want these monsters back?" Kisame growled as three children clambered all over him.
Pein shrugged. "Their parents, hopefully."
Deidara, finally having got hold of the child swinging on his hair, held the kid upside down by his ankles and looked at it in disgust as it giggled happily. "What are we supposed to do with them, un? I don't like kids."
Several pairs of eyes turned to Tobi, who had about ten toddlers sitting in a circle and was playing duck-duck-goose with them. "How about we just lock them in a room and leave them?" Itachi suggested. The Akatsuki paused to consider this idea.
"No!" Konan exclaimed. "That's horrible. What you need is a way to entertain them." Besides Tobi, she was the one who had the children around her most under control. "Why don't you get Tobi to read them a story?"
"There was once a sweet little maid who lived with her father and mother in a pretty little cottage at the edge of the village. At the further end of the woosd was another pretty cottage and in it lived her grandmother."
Tobi sat on a stool, with every single kidnapped child gathered around him, watching with wide eyes.
"Everybody loved this little girl, her grandmother perhaps loved her most of all and gave her a great many pretty things. Once she gave her a red cloak with a hood which she always wore, so people called her Little Red Riding Hood."
At this point, Itachi came wandering onto the space in front of the assembled children. But it was not Itachi as he usually was. Instead of wearing an Akatsuki cloak, he was dressed in a red, hooded cape and carried a basket on his right arm. His hair had been braided into pigtails and a crown made of flowers sat atop his head. He glared at the children in the audience, who all started giggling as soon as he emerged.
Behind him came Deidara, wearing a flowery dress. He also looked very unhappy. "Put on your things and go to see your grandmother," he told Itachi in a high-pitched, falsely-feminine voice. "She has been ill; take along some eggs, butter and cake, and other dainties."
Both "actors" turned to glare at Tobi as he continued narrating happily.
"It was a bright and sunny morning. Red Riding Hood was so happy that at first she wanted to dance through the woods. All around her grew pretty wild flowers which she loved so well and she stopped to pick a bunch for her grandmother."
Deidara had disappeared off the makeshift stage. Itachi bent over and pretended to pick flowers and put them in his basket. While he had his back turned, Hidan, dressed in a wolf costume, crept up on him.
Well, perhaps the word "costume" was not entirely accurate. But he had ears and a tale, and the children certainly realized who he was as they burst into applause when they saw him.
"Good morning, Little Red Riding Hood," Hidan said, in a creepy, wolf-like voice. "What have you in that basket?"
"Eggs and butter and cake, Mr. Wolf," Itachi replied, his eye twitching with the indignity of speaking in such a high-pitched tone.
"Where are you going with them?"Hidan said, trying not to laugh at the humiliated Uchiha.
"I am going to my grandmother, who is ill, Mr. Wolf."
"Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Hood?"
"Along that path, past the wild rose bushes, then through the gate at the end of the wood, Mr. Wolf."
Then Hidan gave a creepy smile and disappeared off the stage. Tobi continued his narration.
"The wolf was very eager for a taste of Little Red's grandmother," Tobi informed the children, "and so he made it his mission to find her little hut. After walking for a few minutes, he saw it at the end of the path. He hurried towards it.
"At last he reached the porch covered with flowers and knocked at the door of the cottage."
Konan and Pein quickly rushed on stage with what was probably supposed to be a picture of the front of the cottage. Luckily, the kids had active imaginations (and had already heard the story before) so they got the idea.
"Who is there?" called a falsely high-pitched voice from behind the paper.
"Little Red Riding Hood," said Hidan, posing as the wicked wolf.
"Press the latch, open the door, and walk in," said the "grandmother".
Hidan pushed open the flap of paper that was the door to reveal Kakuzu lying on a sleeping bag (that was supposed to be a bed) in a flowery nightdress. He wondered for a moment where all these female garments were coming from, as he was pretty sure Konan didn't own anything of the sort. Then he put it out of his mind.
He leapt at Kakuzu and shoved him off the side of the stage, while Tobi narrated what was supposed to be happening.
"The wolf pressed the latch, and walked in where the grandmother lay in bed. He made one jump at her, but she jumped out of bed into a closet. Then the wolf put on the cap which she had dropped and crept under the bedclothes."
There was a moments pause as Hidan realised he needed Kakuzu's costume and had to leap off the "stage" after him to retrieve the clothes. Then he was back, and the play continued as normal.
"In a short while Little Red Riding Hood knocked at the door, and walked in," Tobi continued. Itachi appeared at the front of the "cottage".
"Good morning, Grandmother, I have brought you eggs, butter and cake, and here is a bunch of flowers I gathered in the woods," Itachi said. He approached the bed and then, in a terrible display of acting, added, "What big ears you have, Grandmother."
"All the better to hear you with, my dear," Hidan said in a high-pitched voice that was even more fake than Itachi's.
"What big eyes you have, Grandmother," Itachi said, taking another step.
"All the better to see you with, my dear."
"But, Grandmother, what a big nose you have."
"All the better to smell with, my dear."
"But, Grandmother, what a big mouth you have."
"All the better to eat you up with, my dear," Hidan said, leaping out of bed at Itachi. Itachi let out an almost-believable scream.
Tobi started speaking again. "Just at that moment, Little Red Riding Hood's father was passing the cottage and heard her yells. He rushed in with his axe and-"
As he spoke, Kisame rushed in with an actual axe that they'd found in the kitchen the other day. Because isn't that where everyone keeps axes?
He charged at Hidan and swung the weapon.
"- chopped off Mr. Wolf's head." Tobi finished.
This is where it went wrong. Kisame had not actually been briefed by Tobi, as he'd been busy retrieving the axe. Because of this, he'd neglected to be informed that he wasn't supposed to really cut off Hidan's head. So instead of pretending to kill the "wolf", he swung his axe with such force that Hidan's head went flying off in one clean sweep.
The children were not expecting this. They didn't notice that Hidan was still talking (or, rather, swearing angrily at Kisame). Instead, almost all of them shrieked and burst into tears, either sitting there and crying hysterically or leaping up and racing out of the room.
"After the children!" Konan yelled, charging out of the room after the runaways. Tobi continued reading, seemingly unaware of the chaos around him. And Hidan… well, he was very unhappy when a curious little boy decided there was nothing very scary about the talking head and thought it might be fun to poke it.
They never kidnapped children again after that.