A/N: Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh… the whole Voldemort and Death Eaters thing isn't gonna crop up much in this story, so if you don't want violation of canon— well, first of all, why are you looking at fanfic, second of all, as Tara would say, "get da hell outta her!" It's a fanfiction. A parody fanfiction. Just relax. Try not to think about it too hard.
~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~
Ebony was at breakfast the next morning, eating a box of Cap'n Crunch with milk instead of blood.
"I've never seen that kind of food before," Neville whispered. "Where'd she get it?"
"I'm not sure," said Harry. "Cap'n Crunch is a Muggle cereal."
"Perhaps Ebony is Muggle-born," Hermione suggested. "That would explain the clothes— I've seen the things she wears at Hot Topic, this Muggle store."
"Double potions with the Slytherins after lunch," he said. "We can ask her then."
OoOoO
Draco Malfoy was walking to Herbology when he felt someone attack him from behind. Or at least, he was pretty sure it was an attack. Acting on instinct, he turned around, whipped out his wand, and shouted, "STUPEFY!" and his attacker fell to the ground.
He saw that it was a big-breasted girl about his age. He'd never seen her before. Her perfect lips were as red as blood, and her teeth were as white as snow. She was wearing a pair of neon green skinny jeans with rips in the knees. Her tank top was black with a black and white picture of Gerard Way on it. Her shoes were a pair of peep-toe purple stilettos. The girl had painted her nails black. Her long black hair fell around her shoulders. Draco noticed that she was wearing a Slytherin tie— this must be that new girl that no one would shut up about.
The girl's eyes fluttered open— they were the deepest shade of crimson Draco had ever seen.
"Gawd, Drago, wut the fuck is wrong wit you?" she yelled.
"How'd you know my name?" he asked.
"Weave been goin out 4 five monthz!" she exclaimed. "Im ur girlfriend, u idio!"
"Yeah, I don't have a girlfriend," Draco said, deciding that she was crazy. He frowned. "Ebony Way, isn't it?"
"DUH! Oh my Satan, every one's been actin all weerd! B'loody Mary thinz that her nam is Hermynee—"
"Granger? You mean the Mudblood?"
"Shez nawt a Mudblod, remember? She's a vampyre like me!"
"But your teeth are straight," he pointed out. He sighed. "Look, I'm just gonna leave, this conversation is going nowhere."
OoOoO
But Enoby refused to leave Draco alone. Much to his dismay, he was right— she was the new Slytherin, making her hard to avoid. During lunch, Harry and Ron snickered as she pushed Draco up against a wall and began forcefully making out with him, despite his obvious objections.
"Looks like Malfoy's met Ebony," said Ron.
"According to Padma," said Harry, "she thinks that they've been dating for five months. He swears otherwise, but Ebony doesn't want to hear it."
"Is she really a vampire?"
"Not sure. She says she is, but her teeth look normal. Sanguini had fangs, didn't he?"
Ron nodded, as Draco decided to just run for it. Evony chased him.
OoOoO
"Psst, Ebony," Hermione whispered as Slughorn lectured the class.
"What?"
"I was wondering, are you Muggle-born like me? Your clothes are at Muggle stores and I see you like MCR, that Muggle band."
"Wat, no, I'm not a Muggl. I'm a vampire, Marie!1"
"Stop calling me 'Mary'," she muttered.
A few rows ahead, Pavarti Patil and Lavender Brown were giggling, looking at an issue of Teen Enchantress Monthly, mooning over some singer in some Wrock band or other. This enraged Ebony. Apparently, you're not supposed to like any music that she doesn't.
"FUCKIN PREPS!" she screamed, storming out of the room.
Lavender glanced after her.
"What was THAT about?" she asked, breaking the stunned silence.
Great, thought Draco, not only is the new girl convinced we're dating, but she's also crazy.