A/N: Gah! I'm sorry, guys! My schedule is slipping, isn't it? But I'm back and (hopefully) better than ever! And as if the poor fourth wall wasn't already being broken, in this chapter, it is demolished with a wrecking ball.

~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~

Harry choked on his own spit as he read the new chapter of My Immortal. The spelling was bad, the pacing was awful, the grammar was heinous, and some of the things he and Draco did to Ebony in the sex scene were just plain wrong. He looked up to beg Tara not to post it when he heard Jenny say, "Hey… where did Tara go?"

Suddenly, a puff of smoke appeared and there was Tara again, wild-eyed and frantic. She grabbed her friend. "Quick! Jenny! Before she figures out how to follow me back!"

"What's going on, Tara?" Jenny asked, frowning.

"She—she managed to—she's gonna kill me!"

"Who's going to kill you?" Luna said, looking confused.

Suddenly, there was another puff of smoke, and there stood a girl who was a stranger to everyone but Tara. A girl of age 14, with messy brown hair and ropes around her legs. She glanced around the room, took one look at Tara and snarled, "Gilesbe."

This girl was Cookie VanDeKamp. That's right. Little ol' me broke out of my office and followed Tara back. I'll just use third-person for easiness. Call me lazy if you must.

"How did you get out of those ropes, anyway?" Tara asked, backing away. "One second you're tied up, one second you're not."

"Remember that pack of Nerds and that hamster that was in my office?"

"Yeah. What does that have to do with anything?"

"If I told you, you'd be creeped out."

Ginny summed up how everyone was feeling in one word:

"What."

Really, that was all you can say in a situation as bizarre as this.

"So, do you two… know each other?" Ron asked.

Cookie glared at the inferior fanfiction writer with her beautiful blue eyes. "Unfortunately. This idiot took over my Narrator Office and tied me up. When she saw I was getting free, she got the hell out of there, so I followed her."

"Why would you tie her up?" Jenny said to Tara in a very motherly tone.

Tara shrugged. "She was insulting My Immortal."

"If that was your only reason for tying someone up, we'd have tied up the whole world by now."

Cookie, a gorgeous, clever, agile girl with a lovely personality, continued to the wizards and witches in the room, "What do you say? How about we crush the soul of Tara Gilesbe?"

"How about we just crush her?" Draco suggested. "Then her soul wouldn't be much of an issue."

"Good idea."

Draco and Ron lunged at Tara, and were getting started on what promised to be a good fight until Hermione yanked them off of her.

"Can we please do this in a civil manner?" Hermione asked, ever the voice for reason.

"I don't think you can crush someone in a civil manner," said Harry.

"How about we do this like a proper wizard's duel?" Cookie suggested, flipping her lovely brownish-red locks over her shoulder, making every heart in the room—

"All right, all right, enough with the descriptions!" Ron shouted at the narrator. "You're worse than Tara!"

"Agreed," said Jenny, nodding. "We'll try and destroy each other like respectable people."

"Where?" asked Ginny. "I don't think there's enough room in here."

"There's an old warehouse downtown," Jenny offered. "No one goes there anymore."

"I think I saw it," said Harry. "Was it the one that had 'I Heart San Diego' spray painted on it?"

Tara nodded. "That would be the one."

"Perfect," said Hermione. She grabbed Luna and Ron's hands and told everyone else to do the same. Thinking of the warehouse she'd seen earlier that day, she and everyone else disappeared with a pop, but not before the witches and wizards could grab their wands, and Tara could grab her laptop.

They landed in the middle of the warehouse and, just as Tara and Jenny had said, it was abandoned. Pieces of the woods floor were coming loose. Rats scurried through it. Suspicious mold was growing in the corner. It was sort of disgusting, but it would work for their purpose.

As everyone was looking around Tara hid her laptop somewhere. No one was going to get it if she had anything to say about it.

"Let's do this thing!" Jenny yelled, grabbing a plank to use as a weapon.

The Epic Battle of Epicness of 2011 had begun.

Tara, mindless as she was, was skilled at karate, and the first thing she did in the Epic Battle of Epicness of 2011 was kick Ginny in the jaw. Ginny scratched her back, momentarily forgetting about the whole 'being a witch who also has a wand' thing.

Cookie, Ron, and Hermione were working on knocking Jenny out. Luna, Harry, and Draco were meanwhile trying to get to Tara's laptop so they could delete the fic and destroy Enoby once and for all.

"I—wish that I—could do—magic," Cookie grunted, trying to punch Jenny and pin her down.

"Me—too," Jenny rasped as she dodged a spell flying at her. She made a grab for Ron's wand and held it up. "Back away."

"Um, you really don't want to do that," Hermione warned. "Muggles aren't meant to use magic—it won't work right for you."

Jenny ignored her. It was true that Jenny was a smart girl. She was talented in many respects. She was cunning. But she often overestimated herself—and her abilities.

"Reducto!" she yelled, but nothing happened. She shook the wand and smacked it on her hand a bit. "Is this thing on?"

"Told you it wouldn't work," Hermione muttered.

"Ohhh… JUST WORK, YOU STUPID WAND!" Jenny yelled in frustration. Purple light flushed out of the wand's edge. "Hey! It's working! Yelling at the wand totally works!"

"Protego!" Hermione was quick to shout, sending the spell flying back at Jenny.

The girl was sent sprawling into the opposite wall. The wand flew out of her hand, which Cookie grabbed as it flew through the air and tossed back to Ron. "I think this is yours."

Luna, Draco and Harry were rummaging through old crates and looking under loose planks, trying to find the laptop.

"We have to find it," Luna said frantically as she peeked behind a pile of bricks.

"I know," said Draco. "If we don't get rid of Evony soon, the entire school is gonna be screwed over."

"Where would someone like Tara hide it?" Harry asked, racking his brain for ideas. "The best place to hide something is out in plain sight, so…"

"So look in the most obvious places."

"Right."

Luna gasped and pointed at a loft above their heads. "Look!"

The laptop was in the corner of the loft.

"Quick, someone give me a leg up," said Luna. Draco grabbed her legs and boosted her up to the loft.

Tara, who was still wrestling with Ginny on the ground, saw what they were doing. She smacked Ginny one last time and tried to knock Draco and Luna over. "Don't even think about it!" she snarled.

Everyone else dropped what they were doing, trying to get the laptop. Jenny elbowed Cookie in the gut in an effort to grab it off the shelf.

Ron's hand bumped it, and it fell to the ground. Harry and Tara both lunged for it. Harry punched Tara in the stomach and opened it up.

The others held Tara and Jenny off as he opened the laptop and went into "documents."

Back at Hogwarts, Willow and Ebony were making the lives of some innocent first years miserable by dunking them in the toilets.

"Gomme ur moni!" Elony demanded.

"I don't have any!" Marcie, a first year Ravenclaw, squeaked.

"Dnck her, Willow," she ordered.

Willow nodded and dunked poor Marcie headfirst into the toilet. Moaning Myrtle watched (clearly amused) from her own cubicle.

Enoby turned to the next first year, another Ravenclaw named Max.

"Cuff eet up," she snapped, holding out her manicured hand—skulls had been painted onto her long, perfect nails.

"But we don't have any money!" Max wailed. His friends, Georgia and Thea, nodded.

Ebony grabbed him by his tie. "Y, u lil…"

Suddenly, there was a flash of red light, and both Mary Sues disappeared—gone forever.

The first years cheered.

Cookie and the witches and wizards cheered as Harry found the fic and hit delete. Tara was screaming and sobbing in agony. Jenny just looked royally pissed.

"Dude," she said, crossing her arms and glaring, "not cool."

"Because siccing a horrific Mary Sue on us and kind of ruining our lives is cool," Ginny replied, rolling her eyes and making no secret of it.

"Guys," said Hermione, "let's go home."

They all held up their wands, ignoring Tara, who was blubbering and snot-nosed, and shouted, "Ratispera!" and disappeared in a heavy wind.

Cookie was alone with the fanfic writers, neither of whom paid her much attention.

"Oh, sure, leave me to walk back to Ohio, that's fine…" she muttered.