Chapter 5
Thanks so much for all of the reviews and favorites. They keep me going!
Well, this is the longest chapter yet. I had a really difficult time writing this. It just wasn't flowing like I wanted it to and it took me a really long time, but I finally finished. I hope you guys like it!
Thanks once again to my two favorite people for helping me out (with this chapter especially). You know who you are.
Quinn is in the lunch line with Santana having runny mashed potatoes scooped onto her tray when she sees him out of the corner of her eye. Jesse. Is he here for Rachel? Of course he is, Quinn. He and Rachel used to spend a lot of time together at the beginning of the school year since he decided to stay in town and do community theater rather than go to college, but as far as she knew they were never dating. And he hasn't been around in months. Are they dating now? Why else would he be coming to see her in the middle of the day? Quinn is unprepared for the stab of jealousy she feels in her stomach. Why the hell do I care who Manhands dates?
"Q!" Santana's hiss brings her back to the present and she looks to the section of the lunchroom the Latina seems focused on. She sees Rachel, immobile in the middle of one of the aisles between lunch tables, wide eyes locked in on Jesse, a look of intense fear blanketing her face. The girls watch as she turns sharply and tries to escape before Jesse catches her arm.
The panic reflected in Rachel's eyes as she looks up at Jesse immediately galvanizes Santana into action. She's had an uneasy feeling about Rachel all weekend as she thought again and again about what Puck told her. Seeing the look on Rachel's face at Jesse's touch makes her suddenly furious and she sprints towards them, vision clouded with red.
Quinn is startled for a moment, unsure of what Santana thinks she's doing and unable to figure out what is happening between Jesse and Rachel, but she composes herself and runs after Santana.
"Yo! St. James! The fuck do you think you're doing?" Santana beats Quinn to the pair and yanks Jesse off of Rachel, letting loose with a few obscenities in Spanish. Quinn's attention isn't on Jesse and Santana for long, though, because just a moment after his hand leaves Rachel's body Quinn watches as her knees buckle and she collapses to the ground.
Quinn reaches Rachel just in time to cradle her head and keep it from hitting the hard linoleum flooring of the lunchroom. This is the second time in less than a week that she's been privy to the girl's vulnerability, and just like last time it's chipping away at her hard exterior. As much as Quinn tries not to care about people, especially Rachel Berry-type people, something about the girl has triggered something inside of her and all she can think about is spending more time with her and keeping her safe, if necessary.
Her thoughts trail off as she feels Rachel's head shift against her hand. Quinn has only been there for a moment but Rachel's eyes are already opening and she's attempting to push Quinn away.
"I'm fine. It's okay, I'm fine." Rachel insists, pressing up off the floor trying to stand up. Quinn wraps an arm around her waist to help her, noticing her flinch slightly at the touch. Quinn chooses to ignore it and keeps her arm gently curled just above Rachel's hip, guiding her off the floor. Rachel keeps her eyes trained on the floor, clearly trying to avoid looking at or hearing the confrontation between Jesse and Santana, which has escalated to a Spanglish shouting match. Jesse looks thoroughly confused.
"-cosas malas!" The end of one of Santana's shrieks carries through the lunchroom, turning some of their classmates' heads toward the confrontation.
"Rach… lets get you out of here." Quinn's only instinct right now is to get Rachel away from Jesse and the stares of the other students in the lunchroom. The color has drained from the girl's face, whether from fear or from her collapse Quinn isn't sure. She manages to wrangle Rachel out the door into the hallway, although she is stumbling and hardly able to stand on her own.
Somehow the pair manage to make it to the girls' locker room. It's deserted and will probably remain so for the next three or four hours so Quinn is satisfied that it will afford them the privacy they need. Rachel's short sharp breaths don't sound like she's getting the air she needs and Quinn is fairly certain the girl is hyperventilating. She presses Rachel down onto a bench, straddling it herself and leaning towards Rachel. She slides her hand from Rachel's waist to her back, rubbing in soothing circles and waiting as Rachel's sob-laced gasps progress into hiccups, then slower shaky breaths. Meanwhile, Quinn's thoughts are racing as she tries to figure out what's going on. She's furious that Santana won't tell her what she knows and even more angry now that she knows it seems to involve Jesse somehow.
Quinn is about to ask Rachel what the hell is going on when she feels and hears the girl's stomach growl loudly.
"Have you eaten?" Quinn realizes they were only a few minutes into their lunch period before everything happened and Rachel is probably starving.
"No, not yet." Rachel admits, her stomach growling again in agreement. Despite the heavy moment, Quinn smirks and a short laugh escapes Rachel's lips.
"No wonder you collapsed." Quinn can see the relief on Rachel's face as she realizes she might not be in for an uncomfortable interrogation if Quinn is brushing off her collapse as being from hunger. "We'll find you something to eat."
Quinn pulls her hand from Rachel's back to grab her phone and immediately misses the warmth. Get it together, Fabray. She quickly sends Santana a text asking her to bring some food to the locker room as soon as she's done castrating Jesse. After pressing send she decides to indulge herself and reaches out to grab Rachel's hand. Rachel turns her head to look at Quinn, her face a mixture of guarded appreciation and slight confusion, Quinn reciprocates with an accidental look of affection mixed with adoration. Shit. She can't help it. Rachel is warm and sniffling and actually kind of cute and her hand is so tiny and she is so tiny and Quinn just wants to fold her up and keep her forever. Forever? Where the hell is this coming from? She quickly corrects her face, replacing the look with one of indifference, but not daring to remove her hand. Not yet.
The two girls sit comfortably in silence punctuated by the occasional sniffle or cough from Rachel. As much as she's dying to figure out what is going on with Rachel and how it involves Jesse, Quinn doesn't want to upset the girl any more so she holds her tongue. Quinn relishes the feel of Rachel's small warm hand nestled in hers. She wants to do everything she can to prove to Rachel that she'll be there for her. That's she's past the name-calling and the slushies and the constant suffering she's inflicted on the girl in the past.
But how can she explain and prove that to Rachel when she can't even understand it herself? Why does she suddenly want to be friends with the girl she's spent her entire high school career plotting ways to humiliate and torment? Why does she have a constant urge to hug Rachel and tell her everything is going to be okay?
Before Quinn can begin to brood over the deluge of questions forming in her mind, the locker room door slams against the wall as it's flung open and the loud noise startles Quinn into wrenching her hand from Rachel's. Santana breezes through the open door with a smug smile plastered on her face, oblivious to the moment the girls before her had been sharing and the slightly hurt look on Rachel's face.
Flustered and determined not to let Santana see, Quinn stumbles over words in her head before asking Santana what happened. "Why do you have that look on your face?" She pauses for a moment before she dares to ask; "What happened to Jesse?" Quinn doesn't notice Rachel stiffen slightly next to her at the mention of his name.
Santana smirks. "I don't think we'll be seeing him again any time soon. He limped out of the lunchroom before Principal Figgins and Coach got there. He may or may not have been crying."
Quinn's eyes widen at the implication of Santana's words. "Santana! If they caught you fighting again they said they'd suspend you! How mad was Coach Sylvester?"
"It wasn't a fight! I just kicked him. Once." She toes the ground for a moment before looking up at Quinn and smiling. "But I made it count."
Rachel is up on her feet and heading toward the door before either of the two cheerios can stop her. "Whoa, Berry!" Santana grabs Rachel's wrist to halt her exit but quickly lets go when the girl flinches and whimpers. "Stay here for a while. At least wait until people aren't walking around the halls anymore." Santana intones, tilting her head trying to catch Rachel's eye.
"Please, Rachel? Stay here and… talk to us." Quinn stops herself from begging further when Santana shoots her a curious look. She doesn't want to arouse suspicion but she's doing a terrible job of being stealthy.
Rachel shakes her head and backs slowly away from the girls. "No… I'm- Thank you, for all of your help but… I- I'm fine. I don't need to talk. I can handle this on my own."
Quinn snatches the brown paper sack from Santana's hand and stretches it out to Rachel. "At least take your lunch with you!" She blurts, wishing desperately that Rachel would stay. She wants to understand what's going on and she really doesn't want to be left alone with Santana after her behavior around Rachel.
Rachel takes the sack from Quinn's outstretched hand. "Thanks… I have to go." She turns quickly and fast walks toward the locker room door, feeling the brown paper of the lunch sack crinkle under her palm as she tightens her fingers around it, trying to keep her composure as she escapes to the hallway.
x x x
Santana watches Rachel leave the locker room without moving a muscle. She doesn't know how she feels. She can't put names to the emotions rolling through her and everything has happened so quickly today that she hasn't had time to process. From the moment she saw Jesse grab Rachel's arm in the cafeteria and registered the look of panic on the small girl's face, something has been building inside of her. Releasing her pent up anger on Jesse was beyond satisfying, and if she's being honest with herself she could admit that some of that anger had been building for almost three years now. She hates stupid horny high school boys.
She clenches her jaw. She can't afford to think about that right now. Santana turns to Quinn who is still looking forlornly at the door through which Rachel disappeared. "What's with the face, Blondie?"
Quinn's face immediately snaps into an unreadable mask. "What are you talking about, S?" She folds her arms, not breaking her fellow cheerleader's stare.
"Just wondering why you're suddenly so interested in Berry, that's all." Santana mentally congratulates herself for referring to Rachel in a neutral, un-insulting way. Yay, me.
"I'm not. I just don't want her losing the next glee competition for us just because she's not feeling up to par." The ease with which the lie leaves her lips makes Quinn feel a little uneasy. Not too long ago that would have been her answer… and she would have meant it. Once again she's ashamed at her prior treatment of Rachel. She can't believe how easily she used to put the girl down and treat her like she was less than nothing.
Santana looks slightly unconvinced so Quinn continues; "What? You know as well as I do we don't stand a chance at regionals unless Rachel is in full-on Barbra mode. I'm just making sure that happens."
Quinn walks away and out the door before she can see Santana's face, her heart pounding in her chest. She knows she was convincing. She's never had a problem putting on a face for Santana; Quinn has had years of practice keeping the other girl out of her head. Yes, they're friends, but their places at the top of the social pyramid are precarious and not meant to be shared… so one false move from either could jeopardize their entire reputation at McKinley. Quinn isn't willing to let her desire to be friends with Rachel get in the way of her climb to the top of the school. Sure, she may be exhibiting a little bit of vulnerability when it comes to Rachel and yes, her awkward side always manages to come out in full force when she's around the girl… but as long as she can keep that from Santana she'll be fine. Everything will be fine.
x x x
After escaping from the locker room, Rachel bolted to the only place she feels safe. She sits in the dark back row of the auditorium, her body folded as small as she can make herself, nestled in the small corner between the last row of seats and the side wall. The silence in the room is deafening and Rachel can almost physically feel it pressing down on her chest, making the sound of her every breath fill the room. She feels like she should be crying or screaming or doing something but instead she just sits there. It's almost too much. She feels full with no outlet.
She starts singing softly, in a quiet, unpretentious voice no one would ever associate with Rachel Berry.
"Childhood living
is easy to do
the things you wanted
I bought them for you"
She bites her lip and fights to keep her face from crumpling. It's not working. Singing has always worked. She needs to keep her thoughts away from the dark corner of her mind they're creeping towards. Maybe if she sings louder.
"Graceless lady
you know who I am
you know I can't let you
slide through my hands"
Before she can begin the chorus, Rachel registers a soft humming coming from around the corner of the wall she's pressed against. She picks her head up from where it's resting on her knees and peeks around the corner. She's met with blonde hair and blue eyes surprisingly close to her face.
"Aahh!" Rachel shrieks. She'd thought for a moment or two that the humming was all in her imagination. She didn't expect to actually see someone when she looked around the corner. "Brittany, you scared me. How long have you been sitting there?"
"Oh… sorry. I followed you in but you didn't look like you wanted to talk so I just sat here." Brittany shrugs her shoulders. "But then you started singing and I like that song because it's about horses so I wanted to sing with you but I don't really know that many of the words."
Rachel smiles. As is usually the case when she's around Brittany, she can feel herself starting to relax already. The girl's unassuming presence is reassuring. Brittany crawls out from around the corner, reaching across Rachel's body to grab the brown lunch sack from beside her. She sits cross-legged on the floor facing Rachel.
"Is this San's lunch?" Brittany asks as she dumps the contents of the bag on the floor of the aisle. "It is!" She squeals gleefully. "She always packs Gushers to share with me." Brittany rips open the packet and hands Rachel a small red hexagon.
"What on earth is this?" Rachel asks, turning the squishy candy over in her palm.
"Rachel! They're Fruit Gushers!" Brittany explains as if it's the most obvious concept in the world. "Look, just try one. Just bite into it!"
Rachel pops it into her mouth and bites down, making a face as the gelatinous candy bursts in her mouth. Brittany bounces up and down clapping her hands excitedly. "See? They gush!"
"Yes… they certainly do." Rachel waits until Brittany is looking down before making a face and swallowing. She doesn't find squishy things bursting in her mouth to be all that appealing, and certainly not as thrilling as Brittany seems to.
"Back in elementary school when San and I first met, our moms would pack us gushers every day." Brittany smiles and stares just over Rachel's left shoulder at the grooved paneling of the auditorium wall, reminiscing. "One day when my mom forgot to pack me some, San shared hers with me. Now we always just share. It's more fun that way." She pops another Gusher into her mouth and grins widely at Rachel, offering her the bag.
"No thank you, Brittany." Rachel refuses politely, but Brittany looks so heartbroken that she quickly plucks another snack from the bag. The dejected look on the blonde's face is quickly replaced with her same warm smile and sparkling eyes. Rachel pops the Gusher into her mouth, quickly swallowing it whole, trying desperately not to grimace. "So you and Santana have known each other since you were young?" She asks, curious about the girls' history.
"Oh yeah." Brittany replies, eyes lighting up again at the thought of Santana. "We met in first grade. San's always been my best friend. She always will be."
Rachel smiles and leans back against the wall. Listening to Brittany talk about growing up with Santana is comforting. She remembers what it was like to be a child. Imagining Santana as a little girl linking pinkies with Brittany and sharing lunches on the playground makes Rachel a little less apprehensive about the consequences of opening up to the girl. Suddenly, in the last dark row of the McKinley high auditorium, sitting on the floor listening to Brittany recount stories of her childhood, Rachel feels safe for the first time in months.
x x x
"Okay you guys, I've decided we're going to have some changes around here!" Mr. Schuester claps his hands together as he enters the choir room and points toward the group of confused high schoolers sitting across from him. Rachel looks on in interest from her seat in the back row between Brittany and Puck. She spent most of the day hiding out in the auditorium but decided she needed to show up for glee. She mustered up all of the courage and energy she had left and walked into the choir room with an award-winning smile that has clearly bewildered a skeptical Santana and Quinn. She needs to prove to them that she's okay.
"I've heard a lot of complaints from you guys about fairness over the last couple of years and I've decided on a new system." The room is filled with whispers and everyone, especially Mercedes and Kurt, are now intently listening to what Mr. Schue has to say.
"From now on, all solos for competitions will be decided by auditions. Anyone who wants a solo is welcome to try out." Mr. Schuester crosses his arms and surveys his students' faces. Suddenly Rachel's smile feels a little bit less fake. He listened.
"Wait a minute, what's to say you aren't just going to pick people to win the auditions the way you have been?" Mercedes asks, clearly cautious about the new plan and protective of her possible future solos.
"Aha. I thought you would say that. So I put together a panel of judges who will rank everyone's auditions and choose the people who will receive solos for competitions. I won't be involved in the process whatsoever." Mr. Schue glances around the room to gauge his students' reactions.
Mercedes and Kurt have wide smiles on their faces. Santana and Quinn don't seem to be paying much attention. Their heads are bent together and they're whispering quietly. Artie appears to be brainstorming something with Puck, and Brittany is bouncing up and down in her seat clapping excitedly. And Rachel? His eyes sweep the group one more time before catching her in the back row, a smile on her face. He's relieved. He should have done this a long time ago but it took one of his students falling apart before and because of him before he realized the error of his ways.
Rachel catches Mr. Schue's eye and nods her head in acknowledgement. While she isn't ready to forgive him entirely, she's thankful that he listened to her. Maybe she'll have to work harder for her solos now and yes, maybe she won't have as many… but at least she won't walk to glee every day with a knot of anxiety balling in her stomach, preparing for a war. Ready to fight for her solos. Ready for people to yell at her and belittle her for battling for what nobody else will help her obtain.
She crosses her arms over her chest and suddenly fights back the urge to cry. Why are people listening to me now? Why didn't they listen before? She's tired of people realizing they've treated her poorly in the past and trying to make up for it now. That seems to be the theme of her week. She struggles in vain to keep her face neutral. She can't afford Santana and Quinn, or anyone else for that matter, seeing her like this. Thankfully to her left Puck is idly chatting with someone and to her right Brittany is rocking back and forth singing at the top of her lungs. Rachel has never been so glad for Mr. Schue losing control of his students. She takes four deep breaths in and out and manages to compose herself. She's always been good at hiding her true emotions... Sure she gets overemotional sometimes but that's only when she can get something out of it. She's terrified of revealing her true emotions; of giving other people that power over her. She hasn't been handling it well, but she's just been overwhelmed lately. You're ok, Rachel. Calm down. You're fine. She repeats the words to herself in her head over and over until she believes them.
By the time Mr. Schue regains control of the room and begins the lesson and assignment for the day, her fake smile has returned to her face, even bigger than before. She keeps her teeth showing and cheeks aching for the next hour, all through Glee. The continuing looks of confusion on Quinn and Santana's faces fuel her sense of accomplishment. They noticed. She's fine.
x x x
The sound of the doorbell echoing through the foyer of her empty house rouses Rachel from her half-slumber. It takes her a moment to realize she's fallen asleep in the living room since getting home from school, curled up in her daddy's chair. She groans into her knees. "Go away."
For a moment she thinks that the person at the door has done just that, but just as she's smiling at the idea of not having to get up, the doorbell suddenly starts ringing through the house. Over and over and over again. Rachel groans and hoists herself up out of the chair, padding towards the foyer. Her disorientation keeps her from looking out the sidelights to see who's on the doorstep before opening the door to none other than Santana Lopez. She really wishes she'd checked first.
"Hi, Santana. What can I help you with?" Rachel's ultra polite and chipper mask is back on and she can tell she's startled Santana with it.
"You left this at my house on Friday." Santana pulls her hand from behind her back, brandishing a hideous orange sweater that is clearly three or four times the size of Rachel.
"That's not mine."
"Whatever. Let me in." Santana steps toward Rachel who has no choice but to let the girl past her into the foyer.
"So this is casa Berry, huh?" Santana strolls in, craning her neck to admire the glass chandelier in the entranceway. "I've never seen it sober. Not bad for a hobbit family." She crosses to the living room and tosses the orange sweater onto the couch, unceremoniously plopping herself into an armchair.
Rachel stands at the threshold of the living room, twisting her hands in front of her. "Ummm, Santana… While I appreciate your visit, I have a fair amount of homework to attend to so if you wouldn't mind expediting this…" She's trying to sound convincing but given that she's seen Santana three times now today and exhibited polar opposite moods, it's fairly obvious that she's trying to avoid a confrontation.
"What, Berry, you're not going to offer me something to drink? Welcome me into your home?" Santana bounces her foot nonchalantly.
"I'm sorry, you're right, I've forgotten my manners entirely. Would you like something to drink, Santana?"
"No thanks, I'm good." Santana smirks as Rachel sighs. She's perfectly comfortable waiting as long as it takes for Rachel to break down and start talking.
Rachel huffs in annoyance and sits down on the couch opposite Santana, mirroring the other girl's body language, as uncharacteristic of her as it may be. Her legs crossed and foot bouncing slowly in time with Santana's, she braces herself for the inevitable.
"So…" Santana breaks the silence. "You want to tell me why I beat Jesse up today?"
Rachel tenses.
"Hey, are your dads gone again?" Jesse asks as they pull into the Berrys' driveway. Rachel's car is in the shop having the transmission repaired and Jesse has been driving down from Carmel in the mornings and afternoons to shuttle her to and from school. She's grateful to have a friend as invested in show business as she is. Actually, she's just grateful to have a friend.
"Yeah they were both on call today and got paged in. Daddy texted me to tell me they're just going to stay at the hospital tonight." Rachel says, stepping down from Jesse's Range Rover and inhaling the cool fall air.
"Well, how about I stay over and keep you company tonight? I'll make us my famous hot chocolate and we can stay in and watch Funny Girl."
Rachel smiles as she unlocks the door to her house, letting Jesse in behind her. "That sounds perfect!"
"Rachel? Rachel!" Rachel is brought back from her memory by Santana's hand waving in front of her face. She blinks stupidly.
"Okay, seriously? We need to have a conversation about this." She gestures with her hand at Rachel.
"Santana what are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Jesse." Santana notes the visible tensing of Rachel's shoulders. "That. That's what I'm talking about. You can't even hear his name."
"I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about this." Rachel crosses and uncrosses her legs. Her body is preparing to bolt. But where can she go? I never should have let her in.
"You can. And you need to."
"What would you know about what I need?" Rachel's indignant tone conveys a false sense of bravado that she's really not feeling.
"Believe me, Berry. I know." Santana fixes her in an intense stare.
"You don't know anything about me, Santana. Stop pretending like you care. God, I can't handle this! I don't know what to think. You- all of you! Why do you think you need to help me? I was fine before you all started meddling!" Rachel hates herself. Less than a week ago she was fine. She was dealing on her own. The amount of anxiety she feels at having other people know something is wrong is stifling. She wants to run away but she can't. She doesn't know how.
Santana takes a few deep, calming breaths. How can I convince her it's okay that I know? How can I make her see...
"I care because you're a person, Berry. You deserve to have someone to talk to. Stop worrying about what people know and take advantage of the fact that you have people willing to help you shoulder this." She stands up and crosses the room, standing at the arm of the couch next to Rachel. She can tell the girl is uncomfortable with the situation and Santana doesn't want to push her much further. She knows it's been a trying day so she makes the decision to let Rachel be.
Santana doesn't really know what to do regarding the girl. She's waiting to have an epiphany or something, but until then her plan is to keep her close. To watch her. She's stopped worrying about the social repercussions of befriending the girl ever since she realized that Rachel doesn't actually have any real friends.
"Next week during spring break you're coming over to my place. Tuesday. Noon. Glee party."
Rachel is caught off guard for a moment. She didn't expect Santana to stop questioning her. She's so startled that she doesn't object to the fact that Santana has just demanded her presence at her house over next week's break. She looks up at Santana, mouth agape as the cheerleader flounces into the foyer, opening the front door and turning around one last time before leaving the house.
"You'd better get used to me, Berry. You're stuck with me now."
Thanks so much for reading.
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