Chapter 2

Joanne's first round with chemo, really took a toll on her. She was throwing up everything she ate, it really tired her out. She could barely get out of bed half the time. But through helping her, my anger seemed to fade away and all I could think of was her. What she was going through, and despite how she hurt me, she was right; we were best friends and she needed me. It was a healing process for both of us I guess you could say.

We would stay up late and talk about anything and everything. Through our conversations we reconnected on a way that I hadn't realized until that moment that we had lost. We had lost it when we crossed that line between friends and something more. It felt good to have her as my friend again, but it hurt that we weren't more.

Joanne had her good days and her bad. The bad sometimes got ugly. She would try and push me away. She'd sometimes curse at no one in particular and sometimes she would cry for hours on end and there I would be holding her till there was nothing left to cry about.

On her good days, Joanne seemed to feel better and stronger than ever. Those days were always the best. I had taken a leave of absence from work so that I could tend to her needs. On those good days that I mentioned, we would spend the entire day together. Sometimes we would go shopping, or we would plan to go out for a nice lunch or dinner. We had a blast. Early mornings if she was up to it, we'd go to the beach and have breakfast out by the water.

My friend Teddy never understood why I was doing what I was doing.

"She dumped you Ari, for another woman. And when that woman kicked her to the curb, she comes crawling back to you and you let her." Teddy said to me.

Teddy never really liked Joanne. Always thought that she was not the one for me.

"You don't think that I know that? I know what she did. I lived it, remember? But I still love her Teddy. And the truth is, she has no one. She's got no friends out here because she's pushed them away, she's got no family out here, they're all back in Missouri. The woman she thought she was in love with left her, and she's got cancer. I mean, what a bunch of crap that is." I responded.

"I know and it's terrible, but….."

"No, Teddy. There is no but. I'm all she has. There is no one else. And I still love her, and I know that she still loves me too." I said. I didn't want to sound like I was being delusional but I knew in the way Joanne and I interacted with each other that there was still strong feelings there.

My life went on like this for nearly six months. I would drive Joanne to her doctor's appointments, I'd bring her home, prepare her meals and we'd stay up late and talk for hours on end.

Then there was one morning that I woke up to the sound of rain falling. Rain doesn't occur too often here in LA but I had never had a strange feeling when ever it rained. But this particular morning, I couldn't shake this strange feeling that I had when I woke up that morning.

I got up out of bed and went through my usual routine. I washed my face and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and headed into the kitchen to make my breakfast. And not once, not even for a second did that strange feeling that I woke up with.

Then sometime later the phone rang. The phone rang and that feeling only intensified. I answered the phone and when I heard what the person on the other line had to say, I dropped everything and ran out to my car.

I drove as fast as I could to the hospital. It was Teddy on the phone who had called me. She's a surgeon at St. Ambrose hospital and when she found out that Joanne was brought in, she immediately called me.

Running into the hospital, I was greeted with Teddy who immediately took me to where Joanne was. I watched from the window of her room as the doctors were wiring her up. She looked incredibly pale and so weak. After the doctors were finished, I went in and sat with her while she slept.

At some point or other, Teddy came in and sat with me aswell. It was one of those times that I was thankful that Teddy never spoke a word to me. She just sat and held my hand while I watched Joanne.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel at that moment. Here was this woman; who had loved me, then left me. Then she needed me when everyone left. And there was me who was still in love with her and wouldn't openly admit it to her, and yet I continued to take care of her. There I was. I was sitting in a hospital room watching the woman that I have loved for most of my adult life up till that point slowly die and leave this world behind.

I don't remember much past that. At some point or another, I had fallen asleep. But one memory that I will never forget is when I woke up. I had woken up to a very quiet room. All was quiet in the room except for the beeping from the monitor.

I looked to Joanne, who didn't seem to have moved from when I last remember looking at her. She was still peacefully sleeping and then suddenly the sounds coming from the monitors changed from a steady rhythm to a solid, constant ringing. I knew what that sound meant. I switched into panic mode and before I knew it nurses and doctors were running into her room, pushing me aside as they tried to revive her.

Time seemed to stand still the entire time as I watched. Teddy was just around the corner and she ran to my side and held me as I watched Joanne slip away from this world.

And just like that, she was gone.

It was a mere few weeks later and there I was standing in a cemetery with Joanne's family and people who she once considered to be her friends as we listened to the sermon. I couldn't hear a thing though. I felt so numb inside that I couldn't feel anything.

After the sermon was over and everyone was making their way back to their cars, I stood behind and watched as they lowered Joanne's body into the ground. That was it. That was the moment that solidified the fact that she was gone. She was gone and she wasn't coming back.

I never got to tell her everything I was feeling. Some how I think she knew because I had always felt that during that time, the feelings were mutual but I never actually got to utter those words.

For weeks, I hid in the seclusion of my apartment. I couldn't face work, my friends, family. I just couldn't face the world. Every single day, someone would call just to check up on how I was feeling and every single day I would ignore the phone calls and wallow in my grief.

Joanne, was the one I thought I would spend my life with. Grow old with and raise a family with. We were going to have a nice big home with lots of pets and lots of our own kids running around in the yard and we would be happy and in love. But those dreams died the second that she slipped away from me. The second that her body was lowered into the ground finalized it. It made it official; made it real.

That pain; that degree of hurt, like the love I had for Joanne never really went away. I still carried it with me, but I had somehow, forced myself to manage and to try to move forward with my life. To pick myself and keep pushing on. But I never felt the same. That person that I was when Joanne was still here was gone. I didn't know if I'd ever get back to myself or if that part of me was dead too.

I dove right into my work. My work as a lawyer became my life. I ate, slept and drank my work. It was all I had to keep me from losing my mind, and keeping my emotions in control. My friend Teddy would tell you that I turned into a robot. And to tell you the truth, she would be right. I couldn't recognize the person I had become. Because the truth is, I was hardly human.

Remember how I said that sometimes life throws you curve balls? Well after all the curveballs with Joanne, I didn't think that life could throw me any more curveballs. Well, guess again. This one particular day six months ago, Teddy rang me up.

"Arizona Robbins"

"Hey, Ari." I heard Teddy ask me on the phone.

"Hey, Teddy. What's up?"

"What's up? What's up is that I can't put up with much more of this to be honest, Arizona." she said to me. I had no clue what she was talking about.

"Okay, first off interesting way to say hello to your best friend and second, you're going to have to explain to me what it is that you can't handle because I have no clue what the he'll that just was."

"You. What you're doing to yourself. What you've become. This isn't you. The Arizona I knew was perky and happy and fun. Now, you're at work all the time, you hardly ever call or come by the hospital." She said to me. She was right but I was also very stubborn and wouldn't admit that she had a point.

"Teddy, I took a lot of time off work to take care of Joanne and now I have to catch up on all the hours I missed working on my cases."

"Arizona, you're hiding behind your work. You're using your work as an excuse to hide away from the world because you are still holding onto your pain. I know that it still hurts and that will never really go away, but Joanne wouldn't want this for you. She would want you to enjoy life. To live, Arizona. "

"I'm living, Teddy. I get up every morning and I go to work like anyone else." I responded to her. This conversation, I remember at the time was frustrating me, to the point I wanted to rip my hair out.

"No you're not, Arizona. That's a load of bull and you know it. You need to come with me to the beach tomorrow. Just for a couple hours to enjoy the sunshine, the air. You used to come with me all the time. Just, please. Come out to the beach."

I knew she was right and I really didn't want this conversation to drag on so, naturally I caved and gave in to my friend's request.

"Okay, sure. Fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

Little did I know, my life was about to get another curve ball. The curve ball that would jump start my life