A/N: Warning : Tony has a disturbing dream, with a hint of noncon. CONsider that before you read.
The next day Sharlee's children were excited to see the house guests come upstairs at 10:30.
Tony marveled at how they had grown.
Jacob was a handsome, tall young man, with one more year of high school to finish.
His sister Celia, and become a beautiful teenager, looking even more like Sharlee did when she was young.
They were introduced to Gibbs, and Tony once more.
They all sat at the kitchen table with assorted cereals and fruit, and Sharlee poured coffee for them.
"I remember you comin' to our house," Jacob said,"when mom got beat up."
His sister looked at him nervously.
Sharlee rubbed her daughter's back for a quick moment. "It was a long time ago, honey. Don't fret over it."
"Yeah?" Tony smiled. "I remember you too. You were like, a quarter of the size you are now."
Jacob was very solid and 6'2".
"Football?" Tony asked, eyeing Jacob and then pouring milk on his cereal.
"Yeah," Jacob smiled."How'd you know?"
"Duh," his sister said, "they're instigators."
"Investigators, smart ass," he said, laughing, throwing several frosted cereal squares at her.
"Jacob," Sharlee warned.
"Sorry mom."
Gibbs took it all in quietly, with amusement.
"Just a good guess," Tony said.
"How long are you staying?" Jacob asked.
"Only a few days," Tony replied.
"We're on summer break, so we can do stuff," Jacob offered. "You know, like, see the grand canyon. Ride a donkey."
His sister giggled.
"Sure…"Tony said, "maybe tomorrow?" He looked at Sharlee for approval.
"Sure, Dee," she said, sitting down finally and putting some fruit in her bowl.
"What're you going to do today?" Celia asked, looking between Gibbs and Tony.
"Well," Tony said, "I'm still kinda tired, so I might lie low today."
"Maybe later…wanna' throw the football around?" Jacob asked him hopefully.
"Sure," Tony smiled.
"What about me?" Celia whined, "what do I get to do?"
Sharlee rolled her eyes, and smiled at Tony.
"Ya' got horses around here?" Gibbs asked.
"Oh, yeah," Celia said, eyes widening.
Gibbs looked at Sharlee. "She ride?"
"Some," Sharlee said.
"I love horseback riding! You'll take me?" She looked at her mother with her most imploring, buttery sweet expression. "Please? Mom can I?"
"Yes but I'm comin' along too."
The teenage girl squealed in delight. "Awesome!"
It worked out well, that Gibbs went riding with Sharlee and Celia, while Jacob went out with his friends, and Tony had some time to himself.
He was a little surprised at himself, that his first urge wasn't to grab his things, and rent a car, and go.
No, he'd given his word he would stay.
Gibbs, he thought and scowled. Slippery as seaweed.
He knew he wouldn't be able to resist Sharlee and her kids.
Bandit jumped up on the couch next to him, turning around several times before laying against Tony and balling up for a nap.
Tony sighed, "Good idea, Bandit." He put his legs up on the couch, still feeling drained from everything.
The small-ish dog re-adjusted, laying out straght along Tony's side.
He absently pet the knobby head and velvety ears.
Bandit was fawn color, with a dark muzzle and cute black dots on the sides of his face.
"Whaddy'a think, Bandit? I've been a bit of a psycho lately, huh?"
The dog cracked his eyes open for a moment, and then closed them again.
"I dunno'…everything got turned upside down on me when I read that letter." Tony looked at the dog's paws, gently touching a toe-pad and nail with his index finger. "I know what you would have done. You'd just eat the letter. Or…" Tony snorted to himself," peed on it."
He laughed a little at his own stupid thought.
"Bet you know lots about loyalty, though. Being a dog and all. That's a big topic for people. Not so much for dogs right? I mean…you get fed right? Two or three square?" Tony went back to gently petting Bandit. "Probably get some treats…" the dog cracked an eye open again. "Sorry- didn't mean to tease you." Bandit closed the eye. "But you know, they cover you pretty good. Food, shelter, some affection. And you're a loyal dog. Just like that. Simple."
Tony took a breath and let out a shaky sigh.
"I dunno' right now if Gibbs is loyal. I mean, he is, right? Because, he chased me to Wrong Island," Tony looked at the dog, "trust me, you'd call it that too if you knew. And he chased me across the country. To make sure I was okay. I'm…definitely not okay, am I? But…that can't excuse what he did…can it?"
He felt pain in his heart.
He was, in fact, tired of feeling bad. Tired of hating himself. Tired of trying to run from the truth of it all.
And Gibbs had been the one to bring him here, to stop for just a little while…to get off the rollercoaster…
He kept thinking for a while, but eventually his breathing evened out, almost mimicking the heavy sleep breathing of the dog.
Voices woke him, pulling him from someplace he already couldn't' remember being.
He picked up on layers of sounds. Sharlee cooking in the kitchen. The tv in the livingroom on, but low, and male voices talking in soft tones across the room.
Jacob and Gibbs.
"So…you work with Dee?"
"Yeah. He's my Senior Field Agent."
"You guys have a dangerous job."
"Yeah. But, it's worth it. We help people. Help keep the country safe too."
"You and Tony are close right?" Jacob's voice almost held a little envy in it.
Envy?
Gibbs hesitated. "Yeah, we're close."
"Almost like…well, you're old enough to be his Dad right?"
Gibbs chuckled. "I look that old to you? No-don't answer that. No, I'm not quite old enough to be his Dad."
"You have kids, Jethro?"
Another hesitation from Gibbs, and Tony could almost see with his eyes closed, the far-off, sad look Gibbs got whenever people asked him that.
"No."
Jacob was quiet for another moment. "A lot of Dads come to the football meets, and the games. Sometimes I wish…you know, that I had one. But," Jacob quickly covered, "my Mom is amazing."
"She is," Gibbs said warmly. "One good parent, makes up for a lot of bad stuff," Gibbs said.
Jacob was quiet again.
"Tony seems pretty tired still to be sleeping this long. Let's you and I go toss the ball around,"Gibbs offered.
"Cool," Jacob said, and Tony could hear them moving to go outside.
Tony hadn't opened his eyes. The conversation had affected him. Deeply.
He remembered some of what he and Gibbs had gone through with Tommy, and the aftermath of the crazy man's attempt at destroying him.
(("What else? What else is there if that's not all Gibbs? Just say what's on your mind!"
Tony, still trembling, was looking at Gibbs now, uncertain what he was going to say.
"It's killing me! Alright? Its killing me because…because I love him, like he was my own son. But I let him down, as bad as his real Dad did."
He turned to Tony, who was obviously shocked at the words Gibbs had said.
"I'm sorry Tony...I'm so sorry..." Gibbs looked at him, desperately. "I wish to God I could have killed that animal before he ever laid a finger on you…"
Tony looked so utterly taken aback...but something changed a little, in his eyes. Rachel saw it…was relieved to see it.
Tony stared at Gibbs for another moment before quickly reaching for him, and pulling him into a tight embrace. Raw emotion leaked from his words "I would have been lucky to have you as my father...and you could never, ever let me down like he did. This. Was. Not. Your fault. And I need you. I can't get through this without you Boss." He tightened his arms around the older man, to drive it in," So please...you can't change what happened, any more than I can."))
The memory was bittersweet.
Gibbs was the only real father figure in his life, the only example of what it was like to have someone always have his back.
What Gibbs did really was wrong…but nowhere near the wrongs of Senior. Of the neglect, and the abuse he was left to suffer.
It wasn't the same was it?
He was struggling in his mind with whether or not he should be so angry with Gibbs, and whether or not he deserved him anyway.
Tony ate dinner with them, quietly taking in the stories of Gibbs horseback riding with Sharlee and Celia, and how Jacob went over the picket fence catching one of his throws.
Sharlee and Gibbs eyed Tony suspiciously, since he had slept most of the day, and was very quiet.
After dinner, Tony went down to the basement, feeling drained once more. Maybe everything had finally just caught up with him…
He fell asleep in his clothes on the bed.
He was in his father's study.
He was playing on the piano, looking down at his adult hands gliding over the keys.
The light from the floor lamp made the sheet music on the piano glow before his eyes.
The music was sweet. He didn't know the melody…just followed the notes...
Then he was suddenly naked, on the piano bench, still playing. Exposed. Vulnerable.
Hands ghosted over his back, drifting up, over his shoulders, down over his chest.
Terror started to cause his heart to pound heavily in his chest.
He didn't dare stop playing, because Bobby would punish him.
One of the hands slid down to pinch a nipple, as he faltered for a moment.
He kept playing, feeling the water leaking from his eyes, down his face…
The music…he could still hear it, but now he was being bent over the closed piano. Where were the sounds coming from?
He heard ragged breaths in his ear, as the hard organ nudging up against his hole forced its way into his body.
He gasped, and cried out, as it pushed all the way in, while large hands that burned like fire had a vice-grip on his hips.
The edges of the piano bruised him painfully, as the body behind him started to move, slowly and then, more violently.
"My good boy…" the voice in his ear said, and he could smell the alcohol coming from the man's breath.
"Please…I don't want this…" He begged for it to stop as it became increasingly frenzied and started to become horribly painful.
"Does it hurt?" the man behind him asked, in obvious pleasure, putting one hand on the piano, over Tony's shoulder.
Tony whimpered, and saw the sleeve on the arm attached to that hand. And the cufflinks with the initials AD. His father's.
An overwhelming wave of terror and shame came over him, rushing into him and making his ears roar…
Suddenly Gibbs was over him, calling his name with worried eyes.
He couldn't hear very well at first, with the blood pumping crazily through his body, pounding in his ears.
He suddenly realized he was shaking, and though cold, he was covered in sweat.
He blinked a few times, realizing he'd had a seriously fucked up nightmare, and Gibbs' hands were on his shoulders.
Suddenly, he knocked Gibbs back a little with his hands, "Don't!" he cried in a strangled voice.
"Tony!" Gibbs repeated his name, and moved forward again, trying to ascertain if he was awake or not.
From somewhere inside him, blinding white hot fury erupted from Tony, and he lunged forward at Gibbs with a growl, taking him by surprise and knocking him to the ground.
Only thrown for a moment, Gibbs reacted almost out of instinct, flipping Tony over, and pinning him down onto the floor, face down with his arms held firmly in place behind him.
Tony's mind immediately went to the cement floor, the chains…the pain, that lurked in his memory since Tommy…
Gibbs wasn't sure what was happening when he woke Tony up from the nightmare. He was caught off guard by Tony's sudden attack, seeing a flash of rage in the green eyes.
But as he reacted and pinned Tony down to gain control over the situation, he felt something shift in the trembling body under him, and Tony gasped, and started to shake, with uneven choked sobs.
"God," Gibbs breathed, letting him go and getting up quickly, as Tony curled up quickly into a ball on the floor.
"Tony," Gibbs called, hoarsely.
He knelt on the floor in front of him, afraid to touch him again.
Tony's body uncurled a bit, and he opened his tear filled eyes, and said, "I trusted you."
Gibbs felt the stab, but took a breath, determined to ride it out.
"No," he said sadly, "you didn't."
"What? " Tony sobbed, confused.
"You could have told me. Just told me," Gibbs said, voice thick with too much emotion.
Tony didn't expect those words.
"I couldn't...didn't know how...so angry…I couldn't make the words come out...Thought I might come part…"
"You have," Gibbs said softly, with a brow raised. "You have come apart. That's why...why I had to find a way to get you to talk about it. I didn't meant to hurt you, but you have been so off kilter...and the drugs? And…God, Tony, all of it. I'm still here…I'm still here for you,"Gibbs stroked Tony's head just once, to offer the gesture of comfort to him, but not to overwhelm.
Tony became quiet, still gasping but not choking as much.
Gibbs continued, "You're a Federal Agent. You've seen people spiral out...you know where you've been headed...and...I'd rather...rather..."Gibbs saw so much pain in his friends eyes, he struggled to finish.
"Rather…lose me as a friend than see me destroy myself," Tony whispered.
"Yes."
Tony closed his eyes, feeling too many emotions all at once.
"C'mon," he felt the hand tentatively resting on his shoulder. "Off the floor."
He let Gibbs help him back up, and he laid right back down on the bed, too utterly spent to say another word.