Chapter 10: Love me, love me

It's getting close to the end! Please review (:

I woke up in the morning with an overpowering feeling of dread and guilt. What had I done but I knew the answer. I had betrayed James, gone against everything I worked for. I felt disgusting and dirty. Not because of Logan, because I had made the wrong decision and screwed everything up.

I pushed away from the bed and stumbled toward the bathroom, head pounding. I was no doubt hung over. After a wave of nausea passed, I climbed into the shower and turned the water as hot as I could stand. I stood against the wall, steaming water massaging my back. I a while in there, thinking, until the water ran cold. One I finally got out, I had decided to push all this behind me and forget about it. I wouldn't mention it to James or anyone.

I walked into the room and Logan was sitting up on the bed, phone in one hand, the other rubbing his head. He glanced up at me and blushed. I took a deep breath and told him, "Look Logan, I don't think we should mention this to anyone." His face fell and I scrambled for words. "I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it. It was…uh, anyway, it's just that I don't want what happened to ruin everything we have, it would tear this band apart and no one wants that, right?"

He nodded, but still looked sullen. I climbed onto the bed and pressed him against me. He wrapped his arms around me and put his head on my chest. I placed my hand on his messy hair. Sex hair. The feelings of last night came rushing back.

The sighs, the moans, the gasping for breath. The feeling of unity as we connected, a wholeness that I've never felt with James. I ran my hand down Logan's back, feeling him shiver.

I knew I had feelings for him, but it's different than what I felt for James. James has a hard exterior, whereas Logan is so sensitive. I squeezed him tighter, wishing I could shield him from everything and be his protector. This must be how Kendall felt.

Just then there was a knock on the door. I held Logan for a moment longer, then released him, getting up to answer it.

Speak of the devil. It was Kendall, requesting Logan.

"Come in." I mumbled.

He stepped in and walked over to the bed. "What's wrong with him?" He asked me. I just shook my head. I felt horrible for betraying James, but somehow even worse for breaking Logan's heart.

I quickly put on shoes and grabbed my jacket, heading out to find James and give these two a moment alone. I wandered the halls, no clue where I was going or where James was.

I turned the corner and ran into him, nearly spilling the coffee he was carrying.

"Geez, watch out!" he exclaimed, righting the tipped cup. He shook a few drops off his hand and looked at me.

"James, I've been looking for you!" I told him.

"Well, I've been here." He replied harshly. He sighed, looking frustrated at himself. "Listen Carlos," he said, his voice suddenly getting soft. "We need to talk."

His words shot through me and my heart started beating faster. Was he going to end this?

My mind went blank with worry. I didn't want to lose the moments with James, the intimacy, the relationship. Sex aside, this thing with James was the best thing to ever happen to me. I couldn't lose it, I just couldn't. It was the only thing keeping me sane.

By the time we were in his room, sitting on the love seat, I was already ready to get down on my knees and start begging him not to leave me.

"Carlos," James began. I took a deep breath, ready to throw myself down. "I…I feel bad. He said. I knew it was coming. I closed my eyes. "I've been treating you so badly lately and there's really no reason. I've been so stressed lately, we both have, but-"

"What do you mean, James?" I asked, cutting him off.

"I've been rude to you. Flat out mean. And I really don't know how I could, you're so sweet and nice to everyone."

"James," I said slowly. "You're just apologizing?" I asked.

"I know it's not much, but it's all I can do right now…" he replied, confused.

"You're not breaking up with me?"

"No! Of course not." I breathed a sigh of relief. "Why, do you want to? I mean, I know I've been treating you bad lately…" he said.

"Oh shut up! Of course I don't. I was just so worried you were going to!" I explained. He took me into his arms, my head automatically resting on his chest.

"Carlos, no matter what happens, I will never stop loving you. You know that, right?" he asked, looking down at me. I nodded slowly.

"We really need some alone time. How about later tonight?" he continued.

"Sure, sounds like fun. I replied absent mindedly. The feeling of guilt wouldn't go away, no matter what I did. I considered telling him. A relationship had to have trust. If I came clean, it would be so much better than if he found out by someone else. On the other hand, if I told him he might really end things…

No, I had to tell him. I just had to.

I took a deep breath. "James, I-"

"Carlos, I'm so glad we're honest with each other."

"Yeah, listen-"

"Oh, hey guys." Kendall said, walking into the room. I sighed, frustrated. I was never going to get this out.

"Hey Kendall, have you been crying?" James asked, referring to Kendall's red-rimmed eyes.

"Or just getting high?" I joked.

"Ha-ha." Kendall replied. "Yes, I was talking to Logan about something personal." He answered to James. "What?" he turned to me. "No witty comeback?"

I stayed silent. Kendall stalked out of the room.

"What's his deal?" James asked me. I shrugged.

"Anyway, we've got to get to rehearsal. You ready?" he asked, standing up, offering me his hand. I took it and stood, nodding.

Rehearsal was painfully awkward. I was glad when it was finally over. Logan wouldn't talk to me, Kendall only did when he had to. James was surprisingly oblivious the whole time, which seemed suspicious to me. But I had other things to worry about.

I saw Logan walk into the dressing room and I followed. I shut the door behind me, turning to a distressed Logan. He wouldn't meet my eyes and I sighed, frustrated.

"Logan, I know you have something to say. Tell me."

He sat on the couch, looking down at his thumbs.

"I know you told Kendall. I'm not mad." I told him.

"You're not?" he asked, glancing up at me.

"No, of course not." I replied, sitting next to him.

"But you said not to tell anyone."

"Logan, I can't control what you do." I said, putting my arm around him. "I had a feeling you'd tell him."

"I'm sorry." He said, looking down again.

"Stop that." I said, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at me. I waited until he met my eyes. "Don't be sorry. I'm not and you shouldn't be. I know there's more you want to say."

He pulled his head away and thought for a few moments.

"It's just…when I woke up, I expected us to be happy. I mean, I was. But then you come out, full of regret…" he trailed off.

I took a deep breath. I knew I had hurt him.

"Logan, I did feel regret. But not because we did stuff. I have a feeling we would have ended up doing something like that anyway. But the only reason I feel bad is because I'm committed to James."

"Does James know?" he asked quietly.

"No," I sighed. "I need to tell him. But Logan, don't feel rejected by me. It just wasn't the right time."

"Yeah, you're right. And I have Kendall, he understands."

"See? It all works out." I said, rubbing his back.

"Until you tell James. Good luck with that." He said, smirking at me.

I groaned.