A/N: Just so you don't get confused, the words like this are Gintoki's thoughts, and the words like this is the author telepathically communicating with him. Somehow.

Summary: The dare. From Gintoki's POV.

Disclaimer: Of course, if I owned Gintama, it wouldn't be half as funny, but there certainly would be a whole lot more fanservice...

Chapter 3. Strawberry Milk is Worth Two Bars of Gold on Some Planets, You Know

Gintoki was horrified. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it have been Sougo, or Yamazaki? They interacted more with Hijikata than he did, right?

He turned towards the raven haired mayo addict, who was regarding him with a haunted look in his eyes.

Why did it have to be yaoi fangirls of all people?

If it had been normal fangirls, maybe they could have gotten Ketsuno Ana to play with my joystick…

His eyes glazed over, the corner of his mouth twitching up, a little bit of saliva dribbling out as his mind wandered.

Finally, he noticed the strange look Hijikata was giving him, as if he was torn between killing the silver haired samurai and getting as far away from him as possible. All the other people in the room appeared to be staring at him with the same half disgusted, half disappointed look.

Except for Sougo, who was expressionless as always, and Hasegawa, who was looking slightly hurt.

"OI, I WASN'T THINKING WHAT YOU THINK I WAS THINKING!" Gintoki rapidly wiped the saliva off his chin with his sleeve, smearing the blood that was dripping from his nose across his cheek. "I swear the nosebleed is just a late effect of all the abuse I got earlier! It wasn't because I was thinking about the dare or anything like that! What's with all the looks of doubt you guys are giving me? Why would I ever think about that guy in that way? No seriously!"

All the occupants of the room turned away in disgust, ignoring him and starting conversations among themselves in the corner farthest from where he and Hijikata were standing.

"Gin-san, I always knew you were a pervert, but never that much of a pervert. Anyways, what's happened has already happened, there's no point in denying it now." said Shinpachi emotionlessly with his back to the sugar addict.

"Yeah, Danna, it's okay. Besides, don't tell anyone, but Hijikata-san always fantasizes about you too, so you don't have to worry about a thing." Sougo added, voice raised a bit louder than necessary.

"SHUT UP SOUGO I'LL KILL YOU! Don't spread false rumours about your superior! The moment I get unchained, you're a dead man!" Hijikata roared, handcuffed hands waving around behind his back wildly.

He was also blatantly ignored.

Hesitantly, Gintoki turned around to face the seething raven-haired mayo freak.

"Oi oi… this isn't really happening, is it? I don't really have to… **** and **** that guy, right?" he asked nervously. "Technically, I could somehow break out of this room now that my hands are free, right?"

Suddenly, he heard a voice inside his head.

You cannot break out of this room, so don't even think about it. Also, if you do not do this dare, you can say goodbye to strawberry milk forever.

AIIIIIEEEEEEE, who's that? And what are you doing inside my head? And what do you mean I can't break out? And what's this about strawberry milk?

I am the author. I can do whatever I want. And I'm saying, if you don't get your butt over there right now, you'll never taste strawberry milk again.

Whhhhhhyyyyyyyyy? Why is this happening to me? Why do you hate me so much? What has poor Gin-san ever done to you?

Well… I happen to be a GinHiji fangirl myself, soo…

WHAAAAATTTTT?

Now, go and do it. You know what will happen if you don't.

No wait! WAAAAIIIITTT! Can't we talk it over? Please?

The voice was gone.

Gintoki blinked slowly a few times, before reluctantly walking over to where Hijikata was standing, body moving jerkily, cheeks hollow and eyes haunted. What in the world was he supposed to do now?

As soon as he got within five metres of the mayo freak, he was blanketed by a dark, menacing aura, chilling him to the very bones. The room temperature seemed to drop by 10 degrees, and the closer he got, the more his senses screamed at him to get away as quickly as possible.

Hijikata's head was lowered, eyes shadowed, his whole body absolutely trembling in rage, anger rolling off him in waves.

He'sgunnakillmehe'sgunnakillmehe'sgunnakillme… KAMI-SAMA, WHERE ARE YOU? I'm going to die, HEELLLPPPP MEEEE!

He came to a stop about one metre away from the raven haired Vice Chief.

"So, uhh, Hijikata-saaaaan? Umm – "

"Get the fuck away from me, you freak." growled the man in question.

"Uhh, heh heh, well you see, I'm afraid I can't do that – "

"No, die, you perm head."

"Ahh, just – "

"No."

"Wait – "

"No. I will not – "

"No, wait a sec – "

" – stand for this kind of – "

"Just – "

" – treatment. No way am I playing some twisted game with you guys. Now if one of you can help me get these handcuffs off, I am going to go and personally murder those crazy fangirls, and the author herself if I have to." the raven haired man finished, voice smooth with a deadly sort of calm.

Gintoki lost it.

He took one stride forward, clamped both hands on Hijikata's shoulders, and started shaking him back and forth quite violently.

"But if I don't do it the author is going to take away all my strawberry milk FOREVER and you know how since she's an author she can do anything right? It's not like I wanna do this either, you know? Please, I'll give you 300 yen!" he screeched, voice rising in desperation, eyes crazed.

"Why should I care what happens to your strawberry milk?" retorted Hijikata, unable to get out from Gintoki's iron tight grip thanks to his chained hands.

"But think about it! If the author can take away my strawberry milk, she can take away your mayonnaise and cigarettes too, right?" pleaded Gintoki, grasping at any argument he could think of to convince the mayo freak.

Suddenly, Hijikata's struggling came to an abrupt stop.

Gintoki glanced down in surprise at the now rigid body of the man in his hands.

"M…my… my mayonnaise?" stuttered Hijikata, eyes filled with horror at the thought, the menacing aura disappearing in a heartbeat.

Gintoki saw this is as his chance.

"Yes, even your mayonnaise. But luckily, Gin-san has a plan. See that box in the corner over there?" Gintoki pointed towards the box that Sougo had gotten out of, lying in a shadowy corner of the room. "If we sit on there, my back will be to the monitor, which is where the fangirls are probably watching us from. We just have to look like we're doing something sexual right? We don't have to actually do anything."

After a moment of silent contemplation, Hijikata nodded mutely, mind probably still off in Mayoland somewhere.

And so the two walked over to the box, both dreading what was to come.

As Hijikata sat on the box, however, a bit of his old self returned.

"If you even dare do anything, I swear I'll kill you." he hissed.

"Like I would ever do anything to you. You're not as attractive as you think you are, Hijikata-kun." Gintoki sneered, before settling himself on Hijikata's lap, facing the raven haired mayo freak.

It wasn't the most comfortable place to be, but it certainly wasn't the worst lap he had ever been on (the fact that he had once worked as Paako-chan in Mademoiselle Saigo's crossdressing bar meant he had a lot of experience in matters like men's laps).

He really hoped Ketsuno Ana wasn't somehow watching this right now.

And leaning in before he had a chance to regret it, he started nuzzling Hijikata's neck with the tip of his nose.

Just pretend he's a hot girl with huge tits, don't think about it, two minutes will be over in no time… it's my strawberry milk that's at stake here, I have to do this!

Ignoring the shrill fangirl screams in the background, and the obvious fact that everyone was watching them, Gintoki feathered his lips lightly over the exposed skin of Hijikata's neck, trying to come into as little contact as possible while making it look convincing.

Two minutes, it's just two minutes… just two minutes of this and my strawberry milk will be saved –

Then, he noticed something.

Each time his lips glided over his skin, Hijikata gave a little, almost unnoticeable shudder.

Gintoki glanced up, to see a light blush spreading across pale skin, lips parted, and eyes hidden behind raven coloured hair.

Was it just him, or was the mayo freak enjoying it?

His lips curved into a smile that could only be described as mischievous (or maybe even slightly evil), as an instinctive urge to torture the man before him spread through his body.

He blamed it on the fact he was born a slight sadist.

Plus, this was revenge on the Shinsengumi Vice-Chief for ruining his day on more than one occasion.

"Oi, Hijikata-kun… what's with the trembling? Something bothering you?" he drawled into Hijikata's ear.

"T-trembling? Who's trembling? Definitely not me." the raven haired man retorted, voice wavering just the slightest bit.

Gintoki merely smirked at this, and proceeded to lick, then suck at Hijikata's earlobe.

And this time, Hijikata definitely shuddered.

"No, I'm pretty sure you're trembling, Hijikata-kun. Something you need to tell me?" he asked slyly, laughing inwardly at Hijikata's reaction.

It's almost like he's never done anything like this before… what a prude.

"Oi, you said you wouldn't do anything! And besides the trembling is just… you know… from… nicotine withdrawal or something." protested the mayo freak quite unconvincingly.

"Yeah, okay." Gintoki traced his tongue along Hijikata's jawline, eliciting a small gasp from the man.

"I totally believe you." And with those final words, Gintoki tilted his head and pressed his lips against Hijikata's, wrapping his arms around the man and placing a hand on the back of his head so he couldn't tear away.

He was surprised at how willingly Hijikata parted his lips, and how easily he let the silver haired samurai's tongue slip into his mouth.

Gintoki settled more comfortably on his lap, deepening the kiss. He almost laughed again when he felt the beginning of an arousal nudging against his inner thigh.

Looks like somebody's chi*ko is getting excited….

Hijikata's taste, he couldn't quite describe. It didn't taste like smoke, or mayonnaise, like Gintoki had expected. It wasn't even a mix of the two. In fact, he had to admit, it was actually quite nice.

Nothing compared to strawberry milk, though.

Then, as suddenly as he had initiated it, Gintoki broke off the kiss. He stood up, and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"Oh, looks like two minutes is up, Hijikata-kun. I guess I'll leave you here to deal with your 'nicotine withdrawal', then." He flashed the slightly panting Hijikata a gruesome trollface, then turned his back on the Shinsengumi Vice Chief as the handcuffs materialized on his wrists, chaining him yet again.

"Ahh, damn, I was hoping they'd forget about the whole re-handcuffing part." he complained dejectedly to himself as we walked over to the rest of the group on the opposite side of the room, amidst the piercing fangirl screams and shouts of "more!" and "you should have made it ten minutes!" erupting from the monitor.

"That was great, Danna. I've got it all on film, too." Sougo greeted him with a pat on the shoulder, as he pulled a video camera out of what appeared to be thin air.

"Eh? Umm… Okita-kun… whats that supposed to mean? What do you mean you've got it all on film?" chuckled Gintoki nervously.

Sougo promptly started replaying their one minute makeout scene on the camera he had in his hands.

"AAAAAGGHHHHHHH!" Gintoki screamed, eyes bulging out of their sockets.

One second later, the camera was lying on the floor, in a million pieces, courtesy of a certain silver haired samurai's foot.

"Damn, that was a brand new camera too. Oh well, at least I copied the file on to a back up SD card." The brunette sighed, regarding the destroyed camera.

"How did you even manage to do that? Please, take pity on poor Gin-san, if this gets out Ketsuno Ana won't ever want to **** or ***** or ****** with me!" shrieked Gintoki, desperately patting Sougo's uniform for any traces of an SD card.

"Uh… Gin-san. You do realize all of us were here the whole time, right? You should be more thoughtful of your actions, now we'll probably get pulled off the air because of what you did." scolded Shinpachi.

"Oi, oi, what's with that condescending look you're giving me? I didn't do anything, it was all him!" interjected Gintoki, pointing at Hijikata, who was still sitting on the box. He appeared to be… mad to say the least. The menacing aura was back, and Gintoki could swear he was hearing the wails and groans of ghosts and demons coming from that general direction.

"A-actually… nevermind, it wsn't him. I-it was all me. Forgive me father for I have sinned! Please, j-just don't let me get possessed by a stand! Gin-san is too young to die!" he stuttered, staring in terror at the dark spirits swirling around Hijikata's livid form.

Suddenly, the monitor on the wall crackled to life again, causing everyone's heads to snap immediately to attention.

"Well, well, that was certainly better than we expected, ne, girls?" the Hatsune Miki cosplayer gushed, wiping away at a nosebleed. The fangirls behind the camera giggled and shrieked in agreement.

"But, let's not waste any more time," she continued. "Next up is…

A/N: OOC characters are OOC TT_TT sorry bout that, I tried my best, but by the time I was finished, I couldnt tell whether they were in character or not, and I don't have a beta... soo...

On another note, I have a new idea from now on. You, the reviewers/readers (also known as fangirls/fanboys) get to input your ideas too! You can review with your idea for the next dare, as well as the pairing you want. I will choose one of your ideas, and use it in the story! :D (of course, I'll credit you for it) Each new chapter will have one dare in it, but they probably won't take as long to write as these two chapters did.
So please review with your ideas, or just review in general! (:
(can you guys tell I'm a reviewwhore..?)