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It did hurt, to read the letters, to get to know them. And he wasn't sure he wanted to. But he somehow couldn't imagine not doing it. It would be ungrateful to his parents, and it would just be…silly to chicken out. And so, he opened the first letter and began to read.

Dear Harry,

If I am correct, and I we are dead, let the first thing I say to be; I love you. Please know that I always have and always will. I don't know when or how these letters will fall in to your hands, but I know you have dark times ahead of you. But don't let that scare you Harry, there is light in even the darkest places, and I will do everything I can to guide you.

But I didn't write this to be depressing Harry! I wanted to say hi. And to tell you to work hard in school, especially if you have Severus as a professor! He's only 16 now, still in school, but I have a feeling I know where he will end up. A born academic that one. You're father's laughing behind me now Harry, saying that he gives you complete permission to slack off, prank and generally annoy Severus as much as possible. Well I don't!

Of course I want you to have fun, but he's a good man, prank someone else!

Anyway, I pray to the lord and lady that you are well. This is the first of many letters Harry, and I don't want to ovserwhelm you in this one.

We love you! Xoxoxox 3 Lilly (and James, even though he still hasn't agreed to write, yet!)

He…wow. They sounded so playful, so calm, how could she write like that if she knew she was going to die? Harry stroked the page reverently, trying to feel his parents as much as possible. He took a few shaky breaths and whispered a soft; "I love you too." It was then that tears started to fall in earnest.

It was only later, as he was wondering where this parents had been when she wrote that, that he remembered he had wanted to start with the letters to the other people. Almost shyly, he opened the one to petigrew, figuring it would be the easiest.

Hello there, I know that I have perhaps not been all together fair to you and for that I am sorry. I know you have been a loyal friend to James all these years, and I was wrong to judge you so harshly. Please, after the war, take care of Harry, along with lupin, and Siri, and maybe even Severus. I know you don't get along, but maybe for Harry's sake you can try? Anyway, I just wanted to apologise. And to wish you a good, full and happy life.

Fair well,

Lilly

Harry's blood boiled. So kind a woman, so forgiving, so…GOD HE WANTED T O SCREAM. A moment ago he was lost in grief and now he just wanted to hit something. Jesus Christ, fucking scum, bloody petigrew.

His bad mood followed him, and when Hermione interrupted his thoughts at dinner, he just snapped at her, but she smiled right back.

"What are you smiling at?" He sneered. "You're getting better." She said simply. "What?" Harry demanded. "You are." She said, and even Ron nodded though his mouth full of food. "for the last few weeks you have been. All this summer, ever since…well, ever since the end of the war. You've been so out of it Harry, so…nonresponsive. Comatose, even. At least now you have the energy to be a bit of a prat. Anyway. You're getting better. And now I am going to the library." She picked up her book bag and left. "Am I really?" Harry asked Ron, who, when he had swallowed said; "Well, I guess. To be honest mate you have been a bit of a git recently. But Hermione says that's just, you know, part of the grieving process, and that you'll get over it."

Harry nodded for a moment and then said, without an ounce of sarcasm; "Well, Hermione's always right so she would know."

Ron nodded too.

Later that weekend, Harry was again moody. Shit I've got a lot to deal with Harry thought as he left the quiddich changing rooms. Now, it wasn't normally Harry's style to do the whole self-pity thing, but really? He gets these letters from his parents, which he loved and would never give up, but at the same time as he was grieving siri and lupin and so many people from the war, and he has to deal with all THAT grief , as well as- he blushed, his inner rant coming to a standstill.

His solution was to think the words, really, really quietly.

I might be gay.

Fuck, you know, and how was he supposed to deal with THAT? He blushed (yes, again) thinking of how perfect Robinson's, (his new beater) arse was. He sighed. He wanted that arse, like he had never wanted any woman before. Somewhere in Harry knew that he was gay, but something a little stronger kept him in denial, just a little longer.

He had dated Ginny before. And I totally, "got it up for her". And I thought Cho was pretty. SO I'm not gay. Maybe I'm just more of an arse man than a tit man. That's fine…doesn't mean im gay.

He felt like a wimp, but his sex life was defiantly on hold anyway, so it wasn't up there on his list of priorities anyway. Time went on as it does, he read Lupin's letter, he read a few more, each making him feel that addictive mix of pain and pleasure. What was also hurting was that, maybe, until now, he hadn't really loved them.

And that hurt, but not the same stabbing, tear your eyes out hurt, but the melancholy, wont go away hurt.

How could he have loved them if he didn't really know them? But then, he didn't really know them now, and he knew he loved them so deeply, and missed them so keenly.

September turned to October, and Harry saw his potions professor a few more times, getting more and more comfortable with him. But it wasn't until he read a letter from Lilly entitled "for when you need a little extra courge." That he desperately felt the urge to talk to someone again.

Darling Harry,

So if you've opened this one, you must need some courage. There are so many things you could need it for and I wish I could know exact details. But know that you, my son, are a wonderful person, and I truly believe in fate and the power of the universe, which will never throw anything at you that you can't handle. If it's a personal problem, about a girl or a boy, or if you're just confused, or so many other things, just take a deep breath. In and out. It's going to be okay. Now, if your standing, sit down, if your inside, go out side. I like to sit where I can see the forbidden forest and the lake, under the chestnut tree.

That's exactly where Harry went.

Now, feel the earth below and the sky above. If you've never done this before, that's a strange thing to ask. But try. Don't just know that they are there, feel it. And now, feel that there is water here too. In the earth, or if you can see the great lake, or in the snow maybe. It's there. And there's fire too. Maybe it's inside of you because you're angry, the sun perhaps, or maybe the castle is lit up with candles. Feel it all Harry, the great presence of everything. And breathe it in, and breathe your fear and your anger and your hurt out. Let the earth take it, she can. Don't rush. And when that pain is all gone, then see how you feel. Not how the world feels, or your friends or enemies. But you.

You are loved, and kind, you are smart and brave, and whatever is in your path, you can handle.

Love,

Mum

Again, he cried, but this time his smile reached his eyes too, and he felt….connected to her in a way that he had never felt before. He felt still and calm and safe, which was such a gift to Harry. He didn't know it, but he had just magically grounded himself.

He would do this a lot, particularly in the coming weeks. Hermione would smile and once whispered to Ron; "See? He's so much less snappy. He's healing, slowly. He may not be all better, but he's getting there."

It was after one of these meditations, that Harry felt it, felt himself accepting himself. He was gay, and he knew it, and all though it sounded crazy, he thought that maybe his mum knew it too, where ever she was.

But just because he was okay with it, didn't mean everyone else was. He knew to what degree it was acceptable in the muggle world, but not in the wizzarding world. Which bothered him a lot. He had been a wizard for so long now, but he didn't know so much…he felt, again, like he had failed at something.

One day, as Ron and he were walking up from a quiddich practice, Harry tried to subtly bring the subject up. "so… I still think there's a lot about the wizard world I don't know."

"yeah?" Ron said.

Harry took a deep breath, feeling very nervous. He wondered if he should try and ease in it the subject more, but it was too late now. "Like…you know…umm I don't know much about the religion. Or…about how accepting they are to uh you know. Gay people."

Ron just laughed. "Mate, don't think I didn't pick up on that. I'm not that obtuse any more. You have Hermione to thank for that. If you're gay-"

"I- I didn't say I was- I just, er..."

"Look, I don't have a problem with it. Hardly anyone does any more. Some pure bloods do, but that's just because they are worried about keeping their family lines going, you know?" Harry nodded, hugely relived and ever so grateful to have Ron as a mate.

"You wont you know, say anything right?" "right." Ron answered. " And you know what, I do blame Hermione for making you better at subtext, I so would have gotten away with that last year."

Ron just laughed.