I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me and Burns Like Acid for being betas for this chapter and putting up with my unreliability. I promise I will get better at replying to things!

As usual, give me your worst!

Chapter 1 – Crumbling Like Pastries

The A Team by Ed Sheeran

Her face seems, slowly sinking, wasting.

Crumbling like pastries and they scream,

the worst things in life come free to us.

'86lbs' that was two pounds lighter than yesterday, if I carried on like this I could be eighty by Thursday. 86. 86. 86. 86. I twisted the words around in my mouth. 86 was good, but it wasn't 85. The gap between my thighs wasn't how I wanted it. My bloated stomach still protruded ever so slightly and the ribs running along my chest still weren't visible enough. I wasn't quite perfect.

I grabbed a 35 calorie cracker from the cupboard and broke it delicately into four. I placed one quarter in my mouth and accompanied it by the standard 28 chews. I placed the rest in a sandwich bag and put it in the front of my rucksack. I swivelled round to see the clock. Exactly 8am, dead on schedule. Something inside me sighed quietly. As much as regimented scheduling was necessary, how exhilarating would it be to stray from it. Leave at 8.06 instead of bang on 8 O clock. It was just so monotonous, but I guess that's how I liked it.

I walked slowly out the door. Sunny, Thank God! Rain wasn't great for the uncoordinated. I looked at my truck; it seemed to have slouched down in its space. It almost looked sad. I was so excited when Charlie had first bought it for me. It was my very own truck, it was a little shabby and rough around the edges but I absolutely adored it. It was love at first sight. I had all these plans to drive to far out fields and read Sylvia Plath for hours on end. Take scenic routes to the gym and then another scenic route back. Just to drive away from my feelings, drive so far out to the middle of nowhere I almost forgot who I was. That was before I discovered running. Running for my dreams was much more useful. I could run to school to 45 minutes and burn 341cals. So my poor truck hadn't been used in weeks. I gave him an apologetic glance and then set off. I adored running in the mornings, there was still a chill in the air from the night before that forced me to keep my eyes open. Refreshing and revitalising. It made everything seem okay. All I needed was my trusty running shoes, and my best friend, if you can call your iPod your best friend. Fuck anyone else. This was how I liked it. I liked being alone, I guess I was like Charlie in that way. I could connect with the music; find hidden meanings, allow myself to lose myself in something other than myself. Time always flies when I am running and I liked that. Losing time to something as productive as running, always seemed valid.

First period was biology. I liked Biology. It was easy, self-explanatory. It worked. There weren't emotions or feelings to complicate biology. Just actions and reactions. Nerves and cells. Everything just made sense. Biology was also the only class where I could catch up on my sleep and still seem to get straight A's. Since Edward Cullen hadn't been here for a few weeks, I took his absence as an opportunity to move seats. I had never wanted to sit at the front, it was the only seat left when I arrived. Edward sat snug at the back in the corner, where the lights had broken too long ago for us to remember. I had never actually spoken to him but I am sure he wouldn't have minded, and I didn't care if he did. Mr Banner hadn't said anything so I was sure he wasn't coming back.

I skipped over to my seat, ready to fall sweetly into dreamless, interrupted sleep. I went to set up the apparatus as to look as if I was making some sort of effort, but I was too quick. I was stupid, I forgot. Don't stand up too fast because it's likely you will faint. I took a deep breath, and that was it.

'Are you okay love? I think she is coming around. Bella, Love, can you hear me?' Charlie. I could hear Charlie. His voice was dulled by the voices of others. It was hard to think. What had happened? I was in biology, I was fine. I opened my eyes to a lot of other eyes looking at me, too close for my liking. Where the fuck was I?

'Charlie?' I called 'Charlie? What the fuck is going? Where the hell am I?'

'Bella love, you're at the hospital.' Great, who was the bright fuck, who thought it was a good idea to bring me to hospital?

'You fainted this morning.' I fainted. Well done Bella. I checked my pulse. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and my pulse was far too slow. Damn diet pills. I needed to get out of here, before they weighed me. Before they started doing all sorts of tests and examinations, everything was going so perfectly and then I had to spoil it all.

'When can I get out of here? I'm really tired, can you take me home?'

'Someone will have to come and examine you first but I think they want to keep you in for the night, for observations' Charlie smiled at me and it was starting to get my back up.

'What do you mean, keep me in? I'm fine. You can see that I'm fine. I was just hot and stood up to quickly that's all. Charlie, really, I'm okay. Just take me home. I just need to be at home.' I stared softly into his eyes and hoped he was buying this. His eyes seemed to be surrounded by a boarder of grey, that's what weeks of minimal sleep does to you, I should know. They were exactly the same shade as the semicircles that hung under my eyes. I told him not to keep waking me up in the middle of the night.

'Bells, I'd rather be safe than sorry. I don't want anything worse to happen.' I bit my lip, trying to come up with something to sway him somehow.

'Bella, I have to go. My shift starts in half an hour. It's going to be okay love. I promise.'

I scowled at him. Oh just fucking go, leave me in this shit hole, at least I will have some peace.

'I'm not four Charlie; I will be fine on my own.' I spat at him.

'Take care Bells.' He held my hand and kissed me on the forehead. Did he have to be so fucking loving? I forced a smile. 'You too chief'. He left and I was alone. I drifted softly in and out of sleep for a while until a nurse rudely woke me up to check my pulse. I lay on my wrists

'Can I check your pulse sweetie?' She spoke in a high pitched tone. Not squeaky just high and highly irritating.

'Someone took it about an hour ago.' I lied

'They must have forgotten to write it down then. Can I try again?' She reached for my arm and I slid away.

'Come on now lovely, it won't hurt. I just need to check that everything is stable'

'It is. I remember she said it was 70 beats per minute or something like that. That is normal. I am fine' She dropped her smile and ground her teeth.

'Come on now honey. If I don't do this now, I will have to go and ask the doctor too. Who would you prefer?'

I knew I wasn't going to get out of it. I arched my back and freed my hand and allowed her to take my wrist.

'Hmm it is a little on the low side, are you sure it was okay earlier?'

'Yes' I said quietly, trying to hide the fear in my voice.

'Right, I'm going to need some bloods as well, are you okay with needles?' I nodded and rolled up my sleeve to reveal my multi coloured arm. It was decorated with pink, purple and white lines, carved neatly into my skin. Normally I hated to stare at it but under the florescent hospital lighting, it looked almost beautiful. We both looked at it for a second until she finally plucked up the courage to touch its corrugated surface and felt for a vein. She slid the needle in quickly before I was able to prepare for it.

I looked at the floor. There was something about watching the blood trickle into the little plastic tubes that made me want to be sick. It was okay when it was trickling down my laddered arm from a fresh cut, but when someone else was taking it, I felt somewhat nauseous.

'Right love, I am just going to get the doctor about your pulse I will be back in a second, then we can do your blood pressure.'

'No' I blurted before I could even manage to think.

'Don't worry; I just want to find out what is wrong.'

'Please, please don't tell anyone.' I could feel myself welling up.

'Honey, I promise, it will be okay. I will be back in a second.' She walked out of the doors and a left me alone. Prickly tears ran down my cheeks and met at the tip of my chin. I wasn't going to be okay. If she got the doctor, nothing would be okay. She would ruin everything. My heart was beating faster than it had in months. It felt like it would push its way through my chest and land in my hands. I sat up quickly. Shit, my head was pounding. I grabbed my small pile of clothing and headed for the nearest toilet. I put my clothes on the seat and locked the door. I wasn't going to wait while she helped me get admitted. I untangled the legs of my jeans and forced on my top. I pulled my cardigan from behind the toilet and some pastel coloured circles fells to the floor. I knelt down to pick up the tablets.

Nothing was stopping me from taking the lot. No one was here. I could just do it. It would be a lot easier than running away and getting sent straight back and I had been looking for an opportunity and a reason to for too long. Now they might get it. I'm not fine. I am so far from fine; I don't remember what it feels like. Charlie knew exactly what he was doing when he allowed me to stay. I could tell he knew what was going on. All this waking me up in the middle of the night to check I was still alive, and cooking me dinner when he had never cooked in his life. All this shitty I love you crap. He was leaving me here because he knew what they would do. They would weigh me, check my pulse and blood pressure and know exactly what was wrong. For god's sake; all they needed to do was take one look at my brittle blue nails. Then they would throw me into some kind of treatment centre, fatten me up and expect everything to be okay. Well it doesn't work like that. I wasn't going to any type of treatment centre and I certainly was not being fattened up. Everyone just seemed to want me to become everything I didn't want to be. What happened to following your dreams, no matter what? This was what I wanted, what about what I wanted. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. Close the door and turn off the light and let me wither away into nothing. Every day I wake and hoped that maybe today would be the day that I finally starved to death and it still hadn't come. Maybe I just need to accept the fact it wasn't coming and this might just be the next best thing. I stared at the chalky white circles lying in the palm of my hand. There were 33. I had collected them from several different packets and popped them in a small container I used to use for hair clips. I know people always say, well maybe it's for the best, but maybe this way it is. This way we all win. Charlie would have his life back and I would never hear from mine again. I looked at my arms and my legs and my stomach and my chest. I felt for the hair that I used to have, the hair had been swapped for the fine layer of fur that now covered my entire body. My eyes lifted themselves to the mirror that was fixed on the back of the door. When had I become such a fragile broken thing? When had the colour been drained from my eyes? When had this become me? Everything in my life was just one big blur. Days leaked into each other and months slipped away. Every day was forgettable. I had become something I never wanted to be. I swallowed the tablets one by one to begin with, then two or three at a time and then I shoved the last few in, I held them in my mouth for a little, adjusting to the chalky taste that lay on my tongue. I inhaled through my nose and swallowed slowly. I took another gulp of water from the tap and sat on the floor propped up against the wall. I stole three sleeping tablets from my jeans pocket and took them too. This was it. Everything would be okay now. My headache was still there and my shakes were getting worse, but I tried to ignore them. I could hear people talking on the other side of the door but I closed my eyes and drowned them out with the sound of my own thoughts. Everything is going to be okay. It will all be okay.