I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me and Burns Like Acid for being betas for this chapter and being ridiculously patient! They are amazing at making this story the best it can be!

And of course, as usual, give me your worst!

Chapter 2 - I'm Not Whole

Always Like This by Gabrielle Aplin

You try to look proud but you're not in the slightest,

it's happening now and its always been like this.

Oh, I'm not whole.

I'm not whole.

Oh, you waste it all.

I woke up again to bright lights, paper sheets and several people staring at me. This was a sight I could never get used to. I lifted my head to sit up but was forced down by the plait of wires that hung over me. What was all this? There were nurses taking my blood pressure and pulse. Charlie on the phone. Doctors writing on papers labelled with my name and someone attempting to take my vitals. I screwed up my nose and knitted my brows. I was too tired for all this. I lay my head lightly on my pillow and closed my eyes but was abruptly re-awoken by a sudden pain in the back of my hand. I fumbled to feel what it was. A cannula. Great. How long did they expect me to stay here? I sat up right and everything rushed around me. Swirling and twirling and thump. I pulled my eyes open for the third time. I was lying sideways on the cold hard floor, my hair covered in a thick layer of grey dust.

'Are you okay Bells?' Charlie flew across the room, dropping his phone on the floor in the process. I watched as it bounced off of the floor before slamming back onto the ground as the back flew off. That is what you get when you buy a $50 piece of shit, all because he didn't want anything flash. You get an I-phone with your upgrade I said, but he never listened, he said it was overrated and that he would last as long as he did.

'I'm fine Charlie. Being uncoordinated always was my forte.'

I leant firmly on the bed as two nurses and Charlie helped up my fragile frame. I could feel bruises forming on my hips and shoulder bones as well a throbbing pain in my hands. Well this was going to be fun. I'd been awake for two minutes and I had already managed to hurt myself, if I stayed any longer I probably kill myself without even meaning to this time. I sat on the bed for a second, taking a long deep breath before feeling my throat begin to clench. My ever trustworthy gag reflex caught me just in time as I managed to close my mouth as the sick entered my mouth. I stood up as quickly as humanly possible but steadily enough not to faint this time and headed for the door, as quickly as you can when surrounded by doctors and nurses.

I could hear them calling for me but I wasn't going to stop. I wasn't having this inside me any longer. I walked into the bathroom directly opposite my room and locked it behind me. Forcing my head into the toilet I emptied my stomach into the toilet. I knew what this was just looking at what I had thrown up. They had given me one of those calorie filled nightmare drinks that make you put on weight. The kind of thing they give you at eating disorder clinics when you refuse to eat your dinner, when they don't want to tube feed you just yet. They were the drinks that every person with an eating disorder flinched at the very mention of. Ensure. Ensure Plus and whatever the rest were called. It came up willingly. A milk of creamy gloop coating the toilet bowl in a film of cream. I washed my hands, rinsed my mouth and opened the door slowly, peering round the crack to survey the masses of people. Charlie was the only one waiting for me, staring at his feet, dejected and still tired looking. So very tired. He smiled me, a smile holding only one word, sorry, and I mirrored it back. I didn't want to be here. Fuck, I would do anything to get away from here and these people with needles and blood pressure machines and food. But I knew what Charlie was doing was right. 99% fucked up and 1% right and that 1% thanked him. I wrote a mental note to myself; if I ever reach the other side of this remind me to give him the biggest hug.

'Everything okay?' his words shook through his lips.

'On top form chief. I don't know what the fuss is about.' I joked. It was awkward and unnecessary and we both forced a false laugh.

'Bells, I am so sorry. So sorry. If I had known I would've, I don't know. Helped. I know I haven't been the father you deserve but if you… when you get better; I'm going to be there for you. I wish you had, I mean, you should've said something. Don't ever do anything like this to me again.'

I listened to his disjointed sentences. I could hear the fear in his voice and the sincerity that shadowed it. He was trying to say sorry. He was blaming himself and I couldn't have that. This was so far from his fault but I couldn't push the words from my mouth.

'I just want you know Bells that I am here. If you ever need anything. I'm your father. You can tell me anything, any time, any place. I love you so much Isabella, and the thought of anything happening to you… I...' he stopped and I look up into his eyes to see them over flowing with slow heavy tears. I reached for him but only managed to tug on his uniform shirt.

'Charlie, none of this is your fault. None of it.' I stared at him, burning a hole in face until he looked sadly into my eyes pretending to accept my truth.

We walked back to my room to a solitary doctor. She sat on the edge of the bed, flipping through paper covered with scribbles and boxes to tick. She smiled at me.

'Isabella, how are you feeling?'

'It's Bella.' Both Charlie and I interrupted. I bit my lip and squeezed his hand. I wanted to hug him so tightly. I felt like a four year old girl who had just fallen off the swing and scraped her knee. A girl who needed her dad.

'Right, we are going to leave your dad here while we go and get you assessed if that is okay.' Her patronising tone would've killed me any other day but at the moment I almost welcomed it.

'Assessed for what?' I asked eagerly. Again Charlie looked to the floor. It wasn't a good sign. She smiled at me and turned to look at Charlie.

'If there are any essentials Bella wants for the next few days, I would go and pick them up now. When we are done she will be sent back up here so you can come and give them to her then.'

Charlie mumbled something too quickly for me to hear but the doctor nodded and he dropped my hand.

'I love you Bells' he said softly. He pulled me into a clumsy hug and kissed the top of my head. I held my breath to stop the lump in my throat from forming and choking me at this inappropriate time. He left before I even knew he was going and I was in silence with a woman I knew I wasn't going to like.

'Right then Bella, let's get you downstairs.' I struggled to open the thick wooden door and she held it open for me with ease.

'What am I being assessed for may I ask? I assume I have the right to know.'

She was silent. Apparently not. What a wonderful time for her to decide to become mute.

She led me onto another ward, the focus of which I didn't know and placed me in a small room which resembled the cramped music practice rooms as school. I changed into a paper robe and sat on the bed, swinging my legs. They looked different. I could see the difference between the bone and the muscle. Make out the changed with every move. They looked almost beautiful through my Bella tinted glasses but I could see to anyone else they would look sickly skinny.

Another doctor walked into the room. He looked soft and friendly and I immediately relaxed to his presence.

'Isabella, I am just going to do a few tests. No need to be nervous or anything like that, I promise I won't poke you too much, I am sure you have had a lot of that already today.' His eyes were soft. He looked at me as if he had seen many of me before. He wasn't surprised by my skeletal frame or the way light shone through my skin. I was translucent and he acted as if that were the norm.

'So how often would you say you usually purge?' He looked straight at me whilst feeling around my jaw. Wow, talk about blunt.

'I didn't say I did.' I said curtly and smiled a sickly smile.

'I see at least 20 girls a day with eating disorders just like you, I can tell. I'm going to say at least once today and twice yesterday. The swelling is quite significant.'

I was shocked. How could anyone be so spot on? I had thrown up once today, that stupid milky Ensure and yesterday. 2 crackers with mustard that I had second thoughts about. I took a deep breath as his cold hands touched my temples.

'Look at me.' He shone a little torch into my eyes, and black splodges immediately appeared all over his face.

'Your eyes don't focus either.' He muttered. He slipped the bloody pressure cuff on my arm before I could protest.

'Anything?' I whispered.

'I'm not sure yet.' His eyes didn't move from the machine.

'90/60'

I didn't know what that meant so I didn't say a thing; I just sat there swinging legs, humming silently to myself.

He felt my stomach and commented on the thick layer of fur I had been accumulating. He wasn't too kind about my blue nails and my weak and brittle hair. He took a urine sample and took some blood and then he weighed me.

'85.1 at 5ft6,'

I smiled to myself; I'd lost a pound whilst being at the hospital. He noticed my somewhat odd reaction.

'Pleased?' he said in a comically stern voice. The words I wanted to say just sat in my mouth so I just shook my head. He carried on scribbling things on sheet after sheet of paper, then he packaged me off to another doctor who asked me far too many questions for my liking.

Do you like to eat in front of others? – No

Do you enjoy preparing food for others but do not eat what you cook? – Yes

Do you find yourself preoccupied with food? – Yes

Do you avoid eating when you feel hungry? – Yes

Do you feel food controls your life? – Yes

It went on and on.

'Do you take any sort of Diet pills, Diuretics, Laxatives or another medication that could aide weight loss?' -Yes.

'What do you take?' She smiled at me with her large yellow teeth. Her skin was sagging and I could smell the smoke on her miles away. She was thin but not thin enough. She was smothered by her brown jumper. You could tell she had weight issues. Food issues. Whatever you want to call them, and I could tell she was enjoying this.

'Ex-Lax, Laxative Tea, and Hydroxycut.' I sighed heavily. This was draining. Airing my dirty laundry was not something I usually did. I preferred the tumble dryer where you could keep everything neatly hidden away.

I was passed to the third and final woman. She was large and round and hidden in her pocket you could see a pack of Reeses cups and the empty wrapper from another. I slid myself onto the bed and she sat next to me. I could hear the bed creak awkwardly and I pretended not too.

'I'm not going to beat around the bush here. How old are you Isabella? 19? You are a clever girl; you know what this has done to you. You have ketones in your urine. Your heart rate is slow. Your blood pressure is low and you have a BMI of 13.7. That is nowhere near where it should be.'

I could sense something in here tone. She was going to tell me the one thing I didn't want to hear. I tried to block out what she was saying. Scream inside my head to drown her words, but it was too late, I'd heard it.

'We have found a place for you at Fork Psychiatric Hospital. You will be transferred there in a few days. Your father is outside. Should I send him in?'

I was stunned. I had known all along that this was how it was going to end, but now it was here something just floored me. I was being locked up and left, as Charlie sat and watched. How could he do this to me? How could he help them? I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to see anyone. It felt like everyone that knew had royally fucked me over. Well, fuck them. I will not be dictated to by people whose sanity is wearing just as thin as mine. Charlie liked to pretend oh so often that he was some kind of moral upstanding citizen and he played his part well, no one knew about the x amount of times I had come home and had to wade through a sea of cans to find his face head first in the pizza box. He was just as hurt as I was. I stood up slowly. My feet felt as if they were going to give way as I wobbled over to the door. I peered through the glass to see his solid frame. He looked lonely. Better get used to it chief, I wasn't going to be around to keep you alive any longer.

We both stared at each other in painful silence. He attempted a sorry several times and was greeted by my ever so straight face. If I spoke to him I would empty my mind and as much as that was tempting, I was sure I didn't mean it all. He stopped trying and passed me a large bag with my things and brown envelope. Bella was scrawled across the front. I smiled feebly in order to seem somewhat appreciative. I wanted to blame him. Thanks for sending me away but thanks for letting me get this bad. If you were a real father you would've seen. You would've noticed I was a fuck up from the beginning. But I knew too well that I had hid this with my life. Wrapped it up and placed in neatly inside my heart. Even if he had noticed quickly, I would've lied my way out of it. He looked doleful.

'I will be back in a few days with the rest of the stuff. I know I have hurt you with this Bella but you are going to be safe. You are going to live.' He didn't bother to say anything else and slid through the door. At the moment I hated Charlie. I seethed with anger about his faulty decisions, but I also felt sorry for him. To see your only child become something entirely broken must be hard. More than hard, heart wrenching. To watch as your child slowly starves to death and hear the hollow hunger through the walls as you both pretend to sleep. To be told that your daughter had tried to take her own life. Tried to stop whatever was going in her head. I just can't imagine. I changed into some somewhat comfier pyjamas that Charlie had brought me. They still had the faint smell of his strawberry and lychee shampoo with a subtle splash of his aftershave. I curled up neatly on top of my bed encasing myself in my dressing gown and closed my eyes as if to appear asleep. I wanted to get away from here but one familiar and haunting figure brought me back.

Renee is sitting with her back to Bella on the kitchen floor. To anyone else she could have been looking in the cupboard or wiping up a stain, but Bella knows what she is doing. She sits behind the door and watches through the crack as her mother gorges herself on Bella's own birthday cake. She watched as she devours each section. Icing. Scrapings of jam and cream and then the sticky, soft sponge. She moves quickly onto cereal. Then fries. Then the sausage rolls Bella chose for her packed lunch tomorrow. Cream cakes and fruit and crackers leave trails on the floor. The kitchen is almost silent but their minds are way too loud to notice. Renee finishes with 3 packets of custard cream biscuits, 4 glasses of chocolate milk and a quarter of a bottle of red wine. The next phase is simple. Bella runs to her room and her mother makes her way to the bathroom opposite. The door is locked and Bella waits for the sound of running water. Some people think that sounds calms them, Bella couldn't feel more opposite. It put her on edge. It softened the sound of Renee retching. What if she was choking and she needed Bella, but Bella couldn't hear because the bath was filling up again. 45 minutes passes and Renee skulks out smiling and sits on Bella's bed. Bella can smell the sick on her breath and see the scrapes along the back of her hand but she doesn't mention a thing. They plait each other's hair and paint each other's nails. The sit watching Disney films as Bella eats chocolate and candy and Renee insists that she is going to get fat. This is what happened every good day. When Renee gets it all up and balance is restored, it's the bad days that send the world spinning into a food related chaos.

I opened my eyes just in case. My room was silent and everything neatly in its place. There were no bathrooms or running water. No plaits or painted finger nails. All of that was gone and look what it had changed her into. A sick little girl who decided she would rather starve to death than put up with living. Rather starve to death, than become her mother. The room gently spun and the noises slowly died, everything seemed beautiful but all was hurt.