I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.
WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.
I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!
The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.
Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me for betaing this chapter and being ever so patient! I'm a terrible person to work with, so im very grateful for her to be sticking by me :)
And of course, as usual, give me your worst!
Chapter Five – Oh I Will Become What I Deserve.
The Fear by Ben Howard
I've been worrying (I've been worrying) that my time is a little unclear
I've been worrying (I've been worrying) that I'm losing the ones I hold dear.
I've been worrying (I've been worrying) that we all lives our lives in the confines of fear.
Oh I will become what I deserve.
Bella is trailing the aisles; fruit, vegetables, tinned soup, cereals, chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, ready meals. Renee is gone. For all Bella knew Renee could be dead. Bella is leaning her weight on the trolley, hoping it will support her, keep her standing on the hard slippery floor. Her head is spinning, dizzy and faint. It's the hunger, she should eat but she has to find Renee. She needs to find her mom first. An hour passes. Isabella Swan is called over the tannoy. Renee is there and Bella doesn't have anything to say. Renee apologises to the supermarket staff for her naughty daughter. She apologises to them for Bella running off. She is struggling to hold six bags filled with food she wished she hadn't bought. She scolds Bella for running off. Bella doesn't understand. Renee was the one who had left a day earlier, leaving Bella alone. She didn't understand; she didn't want to understand.
I couldn't keep my eyes open. Food makes you horribly tired. Tired to the point where you lose track of days, you are tired of being tired, sleep consumes you. I just wanted to curl up under my duvet and sleep until I run out of breath.
Renee is curled around the porcelain bowl. Her fingers stuck around the sides, holding it for dear life. Bella can see her through the crack in the door. The silence sits in the air like the elephant in the room. Bella tiptoes into the bathroom. Bella doesn't blink. Bella doesn't breathe. She won't make a sound. She isn't allowed. Renee's head is resting on the rim of the toilet, staring at the contents inside. Eyes blood shot, mouth dry. Her eyes dart towards Bella but nothing else moves. It seems she is unable to do anything but breathe. "Help me" she mimes. "Help me. Isabella. Help me." Bella can't move. She is stuck to the ground, it won't let her go. She is scared. Renee arches her back and there is a splash. The food collides with the water that once held a reflection of Renee's face. Now she falls lifelessly to the floor. Bella doesn't blink. Bella doesn't breathe; she plucks up the courage, slides towards her, wipes the sick from her hair and tucks it behind her one exposed ear. She flushes the toilet and watches as the remains spin and spin and spin around the bowl. "All gone." Renee whispers. All gone.
Another blink that lasted for a little too long. Hopefully no one had noticed. I pushed myself onto the sofa and surveyed the room to see if anything had dramatically changed. Alice was sitting with Angela who I had met before breakfast. She was lovely. We had stood in silence for a little while before Alice had introduced us and as soon as I heard her voice, it lulled me into liking her. Emmett, Rosalie, Jess and Mike were playing some kind of game at the chairs. I still hadn't figured out why Emmett was here, Alice had said Rosalie was Borderline or Underline or something along those lines and that there used to be a thing going on with her and Emmett, but Rosalie had had some difficulties with everything and had left poor Emmett broken hearted. That was Alice talk for Rosalie fucked someone else and didn't give any regard for Emmett. I didn't have Alice's tact. Jess was just Jess and I recognised Mike too. His parents owned a hiking shop that Charlie and I had popped into when he went on that camping trip with Billy. They said their son had gone away but I thought he might have gone to visit family, travelled Europe, not have been locked up, crawling the walls of mental institution. I looked around for quiet Emily. She didn't speak. Nobody really knew why but they knew she hadn't done so for a long while. She was so beautiful, so beautiful and obviously broken. I rolled onto my back, my stomach bloated. It hurt. I wanted to claw at it until I was just blood and bones, but my fingers wouldn't move. My limbs had decided to set up camp right where they were and my eyelids conveniently began to fall.
Renee has been fine for months and Bella had recorded every second like the minutes of a meeting. She had a mother again. She had Renee back but she is waiting, waiting outside the bathroom door, waiting at the kitchen cupboards, waiting on the other side of the bed. Waiting for things to spin upside down, twirl into that alternative universe they both know so well.
"Bella. Bella? Its, um, time for snacks." Eurgh. Snacks were the worst. I didn't understand it. It was such an inconvenience, such a stupid little meal. All the fuss, all the tears for fifteen minutes, a few biscuits and some milk, maximum of 300 calories. Day two and I was already fed up of it. I sat at my place mat. I had been moved back to my place on the fucked up eating table. Apparently having my own table was 'a privilege only used in times of need'. I perched what used to be my bum on the edge of the seat. My fingers began to quiver. Two digestive biscuits were place in front of me. One side covered in a thick layer of milky chocolate. I picked it up to examine it and the warmth from fingers melted the painted side and a brown, sickly sweet substance coated my fingertips. Jessica passed me down my drink. A small, luke warm cup of hot chocolate. Yesterday, whilst I was heightened awareness, after I'd calmed down; I was given a menu to fill in. Every meal and snack option for the next two weeks was on it and I just had to tick what I wanted every day. Lowest calorie option, of course Silly people. But it wasn't that simple. You couldn't pick certain things too often. Blue list snack options were only allowed twice a week and conveniently they were things like fruit and smoothies, red list things had to fill the rest of your days. So today was a red list day and it was either a 300ml hot chocolate or a 500ml glass of full fat milk. I couldn't win. If I was going to eat, I at least was going to like the taste to some degree.
"Right everyone, that's dead on 3 o'clock, so you have until quarter past." Every single person sighed. I fiddled and played with my biscuit. Broke it in two.
"Don't break it again Bella, just eat it." I smudged the chocolate onto my fingers.
"Stop playing with it Bella, just eat it." I nibbled my way around it, making sure as many crumbs as possible fell onto my plate.
"Bella, just eat it." I reluctantly put the rest into my mouth. "And the crumbs." What the fuck? And the crumbs? I pressed my index fingers into a small pile of crumbs and slowly scrapped them off with my teeth and then sipped and sipped and sipped my glass of hot chocolate until every last drop was gone. Fuck this.
"Everyone done? Can we all go and sit in the TV area please." We all hurried over to the sofas, part wanting to burn as many calories in a few seconds as we could and partly so we could get the best spot for the TV. Everyone huddled around Jacob. A young guy who worked afternoons. He was here on a placement as part of his degree. We all stood on our tiptoes forming a circle around him.
"Come on now you guys, you know what to do." He smiled. We all sat down, sighing into the black leather. We weren't allowed to really stand up when on heightened awareness, now move too much, wiggle legs, I surprised we were allowed to breath.
"Right Jess you finished at 7 minutes past so you will be off at 22 minutes past, same for you Elenya. Jack you finished at eleven minutes past so that's 26 minutes past and, Bella, um, you finished bang on quarter past so you'll be able to walk and breathe again at bang on half past. Al right guys, fancy a film?" Everyone's eyes seemed to brighten a little. I slid myself onto the floor beside the couch and stretched my legs out behind the foot rest. Wonderful, fifteen minutes of wiggling toes and jiggling my feet. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Jacob looked over at me. His eyes darted to my hidden feet, then to my eyes. I guess he'd seen this kind of thing a million times before. The corners of his mouth slid up towards his ears as if to say 'not as sly as you think'.
"Have we reached a decision?" His face leaked a warmth that seemed to settle everyone. He reminded me a little of Alice.
"We've gone for the classic Finding Nemo" Elenya shouted. Fuck that. I was not watching that. My eyes circled the room and found in the very corner a boy. I couldn't quite make him out but I didn't think I'd seen him here before. My head replayed his face, his clothes; his name over and over into it sang me to sleep, 'Edward'.
Renee is smiling. Bella is smiling. They are working their way through the 52 mini chocolate cakes they ran home with. The ice cream is melting. The sweets are sticky. Their hearts are pounding in time with each other. The TV is so loud they can't hear themselves think. Just the way they like it.
Open your eyes.
Open them wide
Quick before they call you,
Try to hide.
Walk over to the table
Stair at the place mat
Look at yourself
Fat
Fat
Fat
Chomp
Chew
Swallow
Bite
Don't show them you're struggling
Try not to cry
Are you okay?
Always lie
Die inside
Still alive.
Bella skips home. All is well. Bella unlocks the door. All is well. Bella sneaks up to her room. All is well. Bella passes Renee's room. The door is open. She swims through the wrappers to bed. Renee is smiling. Bella closes her eyes. All is not well.
"Fuck." Its dark and I'm in bed and it's cold. Its night time, when did this happen? When did I get here? I rattled my brain for the memories made today and I couldn't remember. Everything was covered in a film of food, even my feeling and thoughts. I slide myself out of the bed and pulled my hoodie from the chair next to Alice's bed where she had hid it with the intention of chopping it into little pieces and burning it whilst I slept. I pulled the door open and Jacob was sitting outside with one eye open and one eye on the floor.
"Bella where are you off too?" His eye opened and his smile curled.
"I couldn't sleep properly. I just wanted to go and sit in the library if that's alright?" He paused for a second and I could see him flicking through the rule book in his eyes.
"Fuck it. Go on then. Are you going to be alright on your own?"
"Jacob, do I look like I can't take care of myself?' I said putting on my most confident façade.
"You look like if I sneezed, I'd blow you away." We both giggled quietly and I ran off up the corridor.
If I was honest with myself, I was a little scared. Not that anyone was going to get me, just of sitting in the dark alone, the silence suffocating me. You quickly get used to not being alone in a place like this and this would be the first time I'd been completely on my own. I stood in front of the library door, sighed heavily and pushed with all my might.
"Fuck." I stopped. Someone had just sworn. I was the only one who swore and it wasn't me.
"Hello?" I asked loudly. This felt like some kind of shitty, low budget horror film when the psycho they thought they'd killed years ago comes back for revenge to the mental hospital that committed him to life of misery.
"Do you know what time it is?" The darkness asked.
"I don't know, three?"
"Then keep your fucking voice down." I was taken aback. I pushed the door again even harder than before and walked into the unknown. I could hear the voice moving, I could hear their footsteps and I followed them. "What are you doing?" The voice asked.
"Well I was half assuming you were leading me to safety." I said sarcastically and the silence resumed. I sighed and stopped.
"I don't think you should trust strangers like that, I could be a crazy person."
"Well you better be otherwise I worried about how you got in." I contemplated this thought, who the fuck was this? The voice laughed and I could hear that it had stopped and seemed to have sat on the floor. I slowly bent down and stretched my hands as around to make sure I hadn't been lead into some kind of torture chamber. I sat down a little too quick and bashed my arse.
"That'll be a nice bruise." I muttered. A light came on and I could see this boy with beautifully thick dark hazel hair left to grow a little too much, sticking up all over the place. His eyes were a midnight black with gold flecks throughout and he almost looked like an angel. Purple semicircles settled under his eyes like he'd been in fight or two only an hour ago and his lips were chewed like he'd been biting them since birth.
"Edward. Edward, I.. You were here earlier, I knew it." My words were tangling themselves around each other and the letters were getting confused.
"Hi Bella." He smiled that smile and my heart melted, dripping onto my soul.
"How do you know my name?" Stupid question.
"We did go to the same school, Bella." Oh yes, Stupid question Bella.
"Yeah. I actually stole your seat in biology, sorry about that."
"Don't worry about it, I won't be using it. I won't be back." His tone dropped, as did our eyes. I took this opportunity to ask the question nobody asked. The one everyone knew not to say.
"Why are you here Edward?" He looked up, looked me straight in the eyes, and smiled that crooked smile with pain behind his eyes.
"Well this is getting a little too deep too fast." He tugged a book off the shelf flicked throughout the pages. He didn't bother asking why I was here. I was pleased but also I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to ramble on about silly things but this wasn't the place and it wasn't the time but somehow Edward seemed to be the person. The man. I didn't even know him. I knew his name, and the fact that he was sitting here in the library of psychiatric hospital leading me through the dark.
"Sorry." He nodded and we were left sitting in the silence once more. We exchanged a few more words and then he glanced to the imaginary watch on his wrist.
"Better get back." He whispered. "It's my first day back and I'm already under Patrick's skin." Half of his smile cracked and he held out a hand to help me up. I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say. His smile warmed my skin and put the depth back behind my eyes. I reached out and wrapped my fingers around his wrist to stabilise myself before I attempted to stand and he was cold. Colder than me. Like he had been standing outside for hours on end. He pulls me to my feet, I stumbled slightly and fall into him. He doesn't push me away; I slowly look up at him, his hand now in mine, my left hand resting on his chest. I slowly edge my face closer to his. My lips are only an inch away from his.
"We better get back." He whispers before dropping my hand, I pull back sharply, not believing I was about to make an idiot of myself. I nod my head before turning around and walking away from him.
"Bella…" He whispers after me. A tear escapes, I can't do this. This is Edward and I am Bella and this not right but there is something telling me that is not wrong either. I stop for a second, before continuing to walk back to Alice's and my room. Why fuck everything up even further? Who knew behind the doors of the loony bin, loony things happen to loony people. Who would've fucking guessed?