Things are going better between Freddie and Sam, only three fights this week. She says she's still hitting him, just not in the face. Why did I say that was cute? (AN: For me the most appalling piece of dialogue in ANY kids' TV series I've ever seen. It is to the eternal shame of both Sam and the network to portray Domestic Violence and Abuse within a Relationship not only as acceptable, but also funny) If I was dating him I wouldn't hit him at all, I'd treat him the way he deserved. I should tell her it's disturbing and not the done thing, but that's not the way I talk around Sam now, is it?
Freddie comes by and proudly announces that he's finished editing our new video – uh, why am I not in it? There's lots of Sam, some Spencer but no Carly. I know they're dating but still – how can it be iCarly without the Carly? Then Gibby shows up complete with sandwiches. Sam uses them to try and break his jaw… and now he's sleeping in my bed. Not good. Freddie and Sam head for a movie, but then come back. Freddie's mom still doesn't know about them, they want Spencer to lie to her while they sneak off in the other elevator. Yep, they're gone – and they didn't invite me.
Spencer is digging himself into a nice, deep hole with his lies to Mrs Benson, he really is a terrible liar, and I can't believe Freddie's mom bought any of them. A few minutes later we hear her scream – actually I think most of Seattle must have heard her scream. I can only guess that Gibby's broken the news about her son dating Sam Puckett – and that she isn't very happy about it.
Freddie, Sam and Gibby come round after school. We're watching Spencer kneading dough for bread (his lies already coming back to haunt him) when Freddie gets a text. He's been rejected for his NERD camp and can't understand why. Sam acts all sympathetic but I give her a knowing look. I know EXACTLY why he didn't get in, and so does she… Gibby eases the tension by announcing that Glitter Gloss have a sale on – again I decide the best action is to not ask questions, I just drag Sam off to the mall with me.
I'm going to kill them both. iCarly starts in a couple of minutes and I've no co-host and no tech producer. Don't they care? It's all starting to pile up on me, I'm feeling claustrophobic again, and we all know that's never good. The editing, Sam beating up on Gibby all the time, Mrs Benson even more flipped than usual – Spencer says she offered Freddie a 100oz bar of pure Palladium if he broke up with Sam and he refused – it's no good. They miss the show – it lasts all of 5 seconds as Gibby's a complete moron. They eventually show up. Sam's present of taffy turns out to be an empty wrapper, no prizes for guessing where the candy actually is. They think I'm jealous, with all my ranting about what they've done, haven't done and have made me do – and maybe they're right – they just don't know the WHY. I let slip that Gibby spilt the beans to Freddie's mom. I think Sam took it rather well. She didn't break TOO many of his bones, though she did hurt Spencer – and remove a chunk of Gibby's hair. But things have gone too far, I have to do something to get things back the way they were. Mrs Benson asks for my help in breaking them up and I'm ready to do it. I let slip about what Sam did to Freddie's camp application. This is my chance to get Freddie to hate Sam again and get him into my arms, where he belongs.
They show up at rehearsal – the stage is set. Mrs Benson is going to walk in with Freddie's completed application and it will all be over. I'm starting to have second thoughts but convince myself that it's for the greater good. Here's Marissa, here's the moment of truth. I can't handle the confrontation, I run for it – that's the Carly way after all. When I get down stairs I find Spencer's set the oven on fire trying to bake his bread. After all this time it's no longer a surprise. I load up the web feed and prepare to watch the drama unfold upstairs.
Freddie's furious, Sam apologises but I don't think Freddie wants to hear it. The guilt is overwhelming me; suddenly I can't take it anymore. I head back upstairs to try and make things right.
"Who cares?" I snap at him. With hindsight a pretty awful thing to say, but these are desperate times. I compare Sam to a wild chimp? I'm not sure she appreciates the analogy. I try to get Sam to say she loves Freddie; she at least admits it's kinda true. That's progress at least. Freddie's still very reluctant but I push them together – literally – and they start making out again. They're my friends, they're happy together. I have a duty to make this happen for them – and to assuage my guilt. Of course Gibby has to screw the moment by starting singing. Where's Spencer's electric prank pen when I really need it?
AN: For those who think I was OTT with my earlier note I ask you to consider one simple question. What if a show had two teenage boys talking, one saying that he still hit his girlfriend, just not in the face, and his friend thought that was really good of hi. Would you find it acceptable? Would you laugh? If not (and I hope everyone says they would not) then why should it be acceptable when the abuser is female?