Freddie, Freddie, Freddie. I really DON'T CARE about trains and engines. I know I pretend to look interested, but I thought you knew me well enough by now. He claims I'd be interested if I'd been to his train club meeting. Uh, no Freddie, trains are just dull. Sam rocks up and Seddie are all mushy again. Sam says they've not kissed in two days? What? They say they can't hang tonight either – Freddie has plans with his mom and Sam is going to abuse the soccer team. It strikes me as weird but Freddie thinks it's fine that they don't share any interests. I know if I was dating a guy we'd need at least a FEW common interests and things we could do together, aside from making out of course. They don't seem convinced by my argument that part of dating is learning to like each other's activities. Hey, just because they're dating and I'm not doesn't mean I don't know better. Sam listens to me and agrees to attend Freddie's next train club meeting. Aw, they're so nauseatingly cute like this. Sam heads off to attack the soccer club, but she and Freddie will be doing stuff together later. Hey, what could possibly go wrong?
It turns out that Principal Franklin's new employee is Spencer's old baby-sitter. They're going on a date. Her suggestion – scary. One of the soccer girls comes back, complete with golf ball injury. I'm claiming plausible deniability, I know nothing…
Spencer's date's going well, I'm acting as server – it's amazing what $40 will get a girl to do. They start reminiscing about her days babysitting him, they seem to still be a little into the baby/sitter relationship. I think I SHOULD be scared.
Gibby's trying to train a duck and show it on iCarly. When oh when will I learn to stop acting questions and humouring this idiot? Spencer and Jenna come back – still very much in baby/sitter mode. Apparently Spencer wouldn't eat his vegetables so he couldn't have dessert. Now she's getting him ready for bed with the promise of pop-corn? Ok, something about this is just SO wrong. In fact, it's so wrong even Gibby's noticed it. She even cancels movie night early because it was "too scary for Spencer". Can't ANYONE else see how creepy this is? Great, now she's sending ME to bed? And all the while Gibby strokes his duck – somehow it would be less weird if that WAS a euphemism…
And now Jenna's telling Spencer when he's had too much juice – she's treating him like even more of a child than he usually is – and he's letting her! Meanwhile Sam's evening with Freddie's train club didn't go so well, I think she got him kicked out. Now they're talking about protective cups – I don't understand and I don't think I want to. Sam apologises to Freddie, though her look to me suggests she's a little less than completely sincere about it. It sucks, if I was Freddie's girlfriend I'd embrace his hobbies, not humour and sabotage them – even the nerdy ones like the "training bros". And Freddie's actually blaming ME for it instead of Sam? That's gratitude for you. I suggest he tries to fit in with Sam's hobbies – they're going to visit two of Sam's relatives in prison. We head off to do iCarly, Jenna won't let Spencer watch until he's finished his sculpture. I want to grab them both and yell "THIS IS WRONG!"
Sam and Freddie are arguing again – sharing SAM'S hobbies didn't turn out too well either – something to do with trying to smuggle ham into prison down Freddie's pants. It turns out they CAN'T share each other's interests and do stuff together after all, unlike Freddie and me who would have a lot more in common. WAKE UP AND REALISE IT FREDDIE! Freddie comments that it was my suggestion in the first place, for them to share interests – in my defence I point out that I'm single. I go downstairs and Jenna's reading Spencer a BEDTIME STORY? Ok, this has gone WAY beyond far enough! I have to do something. Now. I tell them it needs to stop. Right now. Spencer asks what the problem is. The problem? With a 30 year-old man being baby-sat by a 35 year-old? Seriously? I need to answer that? Well here goes… I point out that theirs isn't a normal relationship. That they're trying to take a connection and force it into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, no matter how bizarre and unnatural it seems – and creepy, as Jenna points out. I observe that they shouldn't feel bad, and they can be friends, but not pretend that they can be bf/gf. They agree and break up. I feel bad but it's for the best.
They broke up. We were sat in the Groovy Smoothie when they told me. Apparently Sam and Freddie overheard what I said to Jenna and Spencer and they took it to mean them as well – looking at it I guess it did, and now Freddie's available again, though the girl code means I have to wait at least a little while before I can make my move. Hey, who's that cute guy at the next table? He's hot, I'm single – I'm going in…
AN: And we're clear. Thank you very much to everyone who took the time to read the story. I hope you enjoyed some or all of it - and if it hasn't put you off my work then please check out my other ongoing stories iMiss Freddie and, in the iCarly/Victorious x-over section, Freddie Goes To Hollywood.
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