Author's Note: I want to thank all of you who continue to read this story. It has quickly become one of my favorite pieces and I look forward to sharing all the twists and turns with you. Things are going to get a bit dark for the next couple of chapters, so be warned.

Chapter 5

Is there no way out of the mind? -Sylvia Plath

If someone had asked Jayne at that moment why he'd suddenly to go on the defensive on behalf of River, he wouldn't have had an answer to give them. Truth was, he didn't rightly know himself. Seeing the Doc headed toward that scared little girl with a needle had just set something off inside of him. On Ariel he'd listened to Simon talk about what they'd done to her brain, about how she couldn't not feel everything around her. He remembered that day, crystal clear like, stuck in his brain.

He knew no one thought her really paid attention, but he did.

He also remembered how that same girl had saved all their asses from Reavers. He'd thought he was gonna meet his maker that day, but she tore through them like weren't nothing and come out on the other end. He'd half expected her to go completely off her nut after that. Instead, she'd turned all quiet.

Yesterday she'd been like she was when her and her brother came on board, screaming, clawing, spouting nonsense. He knew how to deal with that. But tonight, tonight he'd seen something in her eyes he'd never seen before...terror. He'd heard his ma's voice in his ear, "What kind of man did I raise, c'ain't help a little girl?"

That's when he'd made his decision. Jayne Cobb was a lot of things, most of them unsavory, but he wasn't one to sit around and watch while people terrified a little girl. No ruttin' way.

Now, standing over the doctor, glaring at him, he felt River's hands grab onto his shirt, pulling the material into her fists. She was still shakin'.

He looked away from the doctor then, fixing his gaze on Mal, "Now I know what you're gonna say Mal, but it ain't going to change nothin'. So, if you want ta keep your medic, you best tell him to walk away."

Mal looked from Simon to Jayne and back before he spoke, "What would be your thoughts on this Zoe?"

"Well sir, I'm not real sure what to say. Never seen Jayne do something that didn't earn him a reward. Don't know quite how to deal with it," the woman replied, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"I'm inclined to agree, it is a sight to behold," he turned toward Simon, "Doc, I think..."

Simon interrupted him, "You can't possibly be thinking of..."

Mal held up one hand, "Ain't about what I'm thinking, it's about what the very large man standing in front of your sister is thinking. And I'm bettin' he means to beat you a good bit if you try to get near her with that needle."

Simon opened his mouth to say something else, but closed it when he felt a small hand on his arm.

"Simon, let's just leave them be a bit," Kaylee whispered, "Ain't gonna hurt nothin' to let her calm down a bit. Jayne won't let nothin' happen to her."

Simon dropped his head and shook it, knowing he was defeated. When he looked back up, his eyes were shadowed. He looked at Jayne, "She needs medical attention. I'm not going to..." he spun on his heels and left the galley without finishing his sentence.

As soon as Simon left the room, Jayne felt River relax her grip on his shirt. He watched Kaylee hurry after the Doc and found himself feeling sorta sorry for the guy.

"You know, he didn't mean ya no real harm. Any idiot could see that," he said without turning around.

"Intentions and reality are often two different things," she said in return.

Jayne stepped away from her a little and looked at Mal, "You gonna hold this against me?"

"I don't see that much harm was done, 'cept to the doctor's pride," Mal said, "But the way I'm seein' it, you're responsible for her until we get to Helios," he added as he headed to the cockpit, "And Jayne?'

"Yeah Mal?"

"I'd like it if you could get my pilot to do her damn job."

oOo

Jayne ran a hand down his face and closed his eyes, "What in the ruttin' hell did you just sign up for Cobb?"

He was pulled from his thoughts by a small voice behind him, "I'm not crazy you know."

Jayne turned. River was perched on the edge of the couch, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

"I've never been crazy," she said.

"Well, you sure do a gorram good job makin' believe then," Jayne joked.

River looked away from him and he suddenly felt like an ass. He started to say something else, but she cut him off.

"There were so many lights," she said, her voice turning to a whisper, "It was warm and calm and everything was beautiful...and then it was just gone. It hurt my soul."

Jayne sank down onto the couch next to her and pulled her to him, wrapping one well-muscled arm around her shoulders, "I ain't even gonna pretend to know what the hell you're talkin' about girl, but I know fear when I see it. Seen it on plenty of faces in my life. "

River tilted her face up so she could look at him, "It's very strange to me, that you would be the one to help me." Her face screwed up as she thought about it, "Why did you do what you did?"

"Can't say I rightly know. Just know my ma would've skinned me for leaving you like that."

He pulled his arm away from her and stood up. River suddenly felt cold again. She grasped his hand when he held it out.

"Come on, let's get you settled in so you can get some sleep, you don't show up for duty in the morning, Mal's gonna come looking for me to explain why."

River followed quietly behind Jayne as he walked her to her room. He pushed open the door and looked in, "All clear. You go on in and get some sleep."

As he turned to go, River grabbed his wrist, "If you leave, he will try to..."

Jayne gently pried her hand from his wrist, "You're brother is a lot of things, but he ain't stupid. He knows what'd happen if I find out he came in here and drugged you."

River relaxed a bit and nodded her head. She stepped into her room and closed the door, leaving Jayne alone in the corridor.

oOo

The days that followed began to blend together for River. As soon as the drugs had cleared her system, it became possible for her to put the mask of calm back on. She moved through the day smiling in all the right places, nodding when spoken too, eating, sleeping, working. She pretended not to notice the surreptitious glances the crew gave her. She pretended not to see her brother having whispered conversations with the captain. She pretended.

Since that night, she had dampened her senses as much as she could, blocking out as much of the background noise as she could. It left her emotionally and physically drained at the end of the day. The only time she found any respite was at night, in the cockpit after everyone else had gone to sleep. She could still feel them as they dreamed, but they were easier to block.

She would monitor Serenity and stare out into the black. Alone in those moments, she would allow her mind to drift. She could still feel the energy she had encountered in her body, like a memory she couldn't quite recall. It made her feel empty and alone when she had to draw herself back to reality and each night, it became harder and harder to find her way back.

She found that every time she emerged from her wandering, she felt a little colder, a little less connected to herself and her surroundings. She would look down at her hands and they felt lifeless, like they belonged to someone else. She felt the black outside of Serenity's windows clinging to her like shroud.

River thought briefly about talking to someone about her feelings, but quickly discarded the idea. All the scenarios ended with Simon trying to drug her into a state of docile silence again. Kaylee trusted Simon with unwavering certainty, Inara would talk to Mal out of concern, which would lead to him telling Simon to keep her "under control", even Jayne wasn't an option despite his recent defense of her. He would be more concerned about his own safety than keeping her secret. And so she carried it with her, slipping through her days alone.

oOo

Jayne sat up on the weight bench and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the towel around his neck. Wasn't much to do out in the black and he wasn't really one for "together" time. So, while the others passed the time talking or playing cards, he tended to keep to himself, working out, cleaning his guns, or just hiding in his bunk. It kept people from trying to draw him into personal conversations and helped him keep his bad-tempered merc image intact.

As he stood to head back to his bunk he saw River wander into the cargo bay. Her face held that far-away look she had all the time now. It was like she was thinkin' on some big problem and just hadn't been able to find the answer she wanted. Jayne had been watching her since the night he'd stopped her brother from pumpin' her full of more drugs. Lookin' for signs she was gonna go all bat-shit on them again.

On the outside, she looked fine. Hair brushed, clothes on straight, flyin' without missin' a beat, but underneath it...He couldn't really explain what was wrong, but it sure felt like something was off. It took him a moment of fightin' with himself before he called out, "Hey crazy," he said, falling back on the old nick-name, "Ain't you supposed to be flyin' this thing?"

When she didn't pause or look at him, Jayne walked to where she was standing, leaning against one of the metal poles that supported the catwalk above. When he reached her side, he laid a hand on her shoulder and suddenly found himself staring at the ceiling, trying to suck air into his lungs.

He coughed and snarled up at her, "Gorramit girl! What the hell was that for?"

River blinked her eyes a couple of times and looked down at him, "Jayne?" she said, looking a little confused.

Jayne stood up his face creasing with sudden concern, "River, you havin' another one of them flashback things your brother is always carryin' on about?"

River shook her head slightly, "It's so cold in here, isn't it? I hadn't noticed it before, but it's very cold in here today."

Before he could answer her, she turned and walked slowly away, her movements were as graceful as ever. He'd never admit it, but he'd always liked watching her move. Everything she did had a purpose. The way she trailed her fingers over things, like she was looking for imperfections. The way she sometimes pointed her bare feet when she stepped over something, making slow, exacting contact with the surface on the underside. Watching her move was almost erotic.

The thought jolted Jayne out of his reverie. Now where the ruttin' hell did that come from? Ain't nothin' erotic about a skinny crazy girl, he told himself. Yeah, you just keep tellin' yourself that Cobb, just keep repeatin' it so you don't forget it.