A/N: Thank you so much aihpomila (*grin* You aren't supposed to know that:D), MissArinnaDark (Oh god, no! Of course they do like each other. And about the other questions...oh well, read the chapter:D), SilentMockingjay (Thank you! And good, because I was so worried about that...:)), ohmygawdpeeta (Thank you:)), DandelionOnFire (Ha,ha,ha. Oh god, you made me laugh, you have no idea. Though I think Katniss wouldn't be too happy about you marrying Peeta:D To answer your question {about your feeling}: Because it is supposed to sound like that! And yes, because she is Katniss. Oh no, you're not a pervert...you're a fan-girl...I guess:D And yes, Josh is damn hot(I watched "Journey to the Center of the Earth" only to squeal when I saw him...so damn sweet when he was little. Yeah, and I like the movie:D) ! Oh god, I'm swearing again...xD. I should end that now...it's getting awkward;) THANK YOU!) Kim (I'd never in a million years give up:) And thank you!), CharmChaser (:D Yeah. believe me, I'd love to. But...unfortunately I can't and won't;)), BBree23 (I don't think they celebrate Christmas. They aren't religious), HungerGamesLover1020, SaguineIncendium (Thanks:)), Amanda332czx (I celebrate Christmas:) And now OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH! And I'm glad I made your day better:D), musicalexpert (thank you SO much for saying that!:D), KissPeeta (Thanks),Aria-dancingdolphins15 (Thanks. And who doesn't?), SaintTail6 (THANK YOU SO MUCH! That means a lot to me:D), Laniebanie (again, thank you so so much!), Big fan (WOW, thanks, that means so much to me:D), mysticalmango (Thanks:) And yeah, it is quite funny isn't it...but now it's over:( Oh well, I'll survive it. And here is more:)), HappyBlossom (oh, that's how it is supposed to be) , Tree Hugger11 (PLEASE don't kill me for this chapter!) and [The reviewer without a name].
Ha,ha, I got you wondering. Don't worry, that's not your fault. It's mine:) And I'm more than happy about that fact, too.
I'm sorry it took me so long to update but with Christmas and New Year and a family with too many cousins to count...well, I didn't have my laptop and even if I had had it, I wouldn't have had that much time to write, but I guess I said that before. This is even earlier than I thouhgt. My grandpa lent me his laptop after one week. I'm sorry though. I hope you forgive me:)
Well...enough about that. On with the story...
Disclaimer: This is getting boring...but I still don't own the Hunger Games
What have I done? I can't believe it. That was wrong. What did I think?
I mentally slap myself. I didn't think. Of course. This is just like me. I do think about my actions, but unfortunately, only afterwards. Like I have just proven.
I can feel my eyes grow wide in shock. This…this is unbelievable. I shouldn't have done that. We shouldn't have done that. Why didn't I listen to my mind? Why on earth did I kiss him back? What am I supposed to do now?
I have to clear my head. I have to get out of here. I can feel my breath getting faster. "I…I'm sorry." I manage to stutter out. Thinking is easy, but talking nearly chokes me. Peeta's smile fades and is replaced by a serious expression. Serious, confused and concerned. And sad. As though he knew what is coming next. That almost makes me take it back, but I can't. I just can't. "I…That shouldn't have happened. I…I have to go."
I try to let go of his hands, but he holds me back. I'm almost glad. But..No! I can't afford to think like that. I must not think like that! I want to go! "Katniss...please don't. I...it wasn't..." He doesn't know what to say. The look on his face almost brakes my heart, but I can't give in. I try to pull my hand away again, but he still doesn't let go.
"You shouldn't run away Katniss." He may be right but...
"I have to. Peeta this...this was wrong. I can't do this. I'm...this is against everything I ever wanted or..." I trail off. "Peeta, let me go." I say that with a tone in my voice that doesn't let him contradict. He mustn't. I don't know how long I'll be able to let my voice sound that steady. It feels as though it's about to break. But it mustn't. No matter how bad I feel.
He looks down at our hands. "I was right", he mumbles. "I shouldn't have told you."
Under different circumstances, I might have told him it was my fault. But at the moment I think he is right. I must not think anything else. I forbid it. And I have to go. This is the only way. I can't stay. It would make everything worse. "Please", is all I say. He knows. Please let go. Please don't make me feel even worse.
And finally, he does release my hands.
And, with one last glance at his sad, broken face, I turn around and start slowly going away. Oh, how I hate the fact that the fence has to be active today. Today when I need it the most.
I force myself not to glance back or worse, turn around. I can't go back to him. Can't let him see how this affects me. So, after I've left the meadow, I start running. Runninng anywhere, but not back to him.
Peeta. I don't want to think about him. I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I imagine him standing there with this hurt in his blue eyes and this…this expression on his face. Heart-break. That's the only word I know to describe it. And I hate to think I'm the one who caused it. This is what makes me so sad. It must be.
But there's no denying it. I can't really say whose fault it is but...the outcome is the same. I cannot talk to him again. I must not talk to him again.
This is not how it was supposed to be. Peeta was my friend, only a friend, nothing more. Until I had to ask this stupid questions. Questions I didn't drop. I should have listened to him, like he said. He...he should have said nothing.
Because, unlike with Gale, this time there is no pretending he overacted and kissed me because of jealousy. This time I have to live with the fact that Peeta Mellark, the boy with the bread, the dandelion that gave me hope, has feelings for me. Feelings that are more than friendship.
But most importantly, feelings I can't return. After my father died, I swore myself I would never get married and never have children because I would never want them or myself to suffer. I couldn't watch them enter the games, I couldn't live with the thought that there might be a time where I could not take care of them, where I could become like my mother.
And now I let something happen I swore myself I never would. And I can't even think I did the right thing right away like with Gale. I didn't push him away like I should have. I kissed him back. And now I have lost him. The very thing I didn't want to. Just like I didn't want to loose Gale...
Gale. He knew it, didn't he? He warned me, he told me Peeta would hurt me. But then again…did he really hurt me? Wasn't it more the other way around?
No. I should stop thinking about it that way. But yes. It was me. Though...I can't. It wouldn't work. How would Gale say it? The odds are never in my favor. And it makes me sad and somehow...desperate.
"Catnip!" I hear. I stop dead in tracks. Speaking, well, thinking of the devil. Gale.
He runs up to me. "Hey Catnip. I was looking for you and..." He gives me a strange look. "Katniss...what happened?" Why does he know something happened? Is it that obvious?
"How...Why do you think something happened?" This doesn't sound very convincing, even to me. It sounds still weak. Maybe even weaker. And from the moment I say it I know it doesn't fool Gale as well. He knows me better than anyone else.
He confirms my thoughts by rolling his eyes. "Katniss, has anyone ever told you you are a really bad liar? Especially when you lie to your best friend!"
He is right of course, but I have to try it. I can't tell him. "Gale what are you talking about?" I try to sound annoyed and irritated. But it comes out as a whisper. This...I can't talk about it and I don't want to.
"Listen Katniss. I have never, like in absolutely never, seen you like that. At least not since we were friends. You look like...I don't know. As though you were about to..." He trails off. Why?
"About to...?" I ask. But my voice still isn't as strong as usually. And now I can hear the sadness in it. I have never felt like that before.
"Cry. You look as though you were about cry Katniss. So don't pretend nothing happened!" I can hear he is upset now. But...what am I supposed to do? I glance in the direction of the meadow even though it's out of my view now. But I don't say anything.
Gale groans. "Katniss, please tell me! I want to help you! I'm your best friend and I want to know why you look so hurt? What happened?" His gray eyes bore into mine and it feels as if he is reading my mind. I lower my head. I can't let that happen.
But apparently he followed my gaze. "Katniss, what is with the meadow? Damn, talk to me already!" Now he is cursing. His face hides nothing. He is frustrated.
And so I decide to tell him. I don't want to fight with him again and I don't think I can stand loosing another friend today. "Gale I..." Again it's a lot easier to think than to actually talk.
His expression softens. "Catnip I don't want to press you. I'm sorry. It's just that..." I cut him off.
"No, it's okay. I just...find it hard to talk about it." Now he only looks concerned.
"Katniss...has something happened to Prim?" Of course that's the first thing for him to guess. Nothing affects me as much as the fate of my little sister. Even the thought of her getting hurt is nearly killing me.
But I shake my head. After all, that is not the reason. Prim is, as far as I know, perfectly fine.
But now Gale looks very confused. Well, more confused than before. "But...if it wasn't Prim what else...who else...?" He stops. His expression is not only shocked but knowing, too. "Katniss." He stars and pauses. "Katniss, tell me it's not what I think it is."
I have a really bad feeling about this. "What do you think?" But I think...he is right.
"Tell me it's not about him. Please!" My feeling never betrays me. He is indeed right. I know my face must be showing it because Gale groans.
"Oh no. Katniss, what did he do? I'm going to kill him!" Now I upset him. Okay, so it was a bad idea to let him guess. But, as always, this realization comes too late.
But not only for him. For me, too. Because the earlier events come rushing back to me. And hit me with full force. Was it really just this morning that I bumped into Peeta? That I thought about stupid questions? Questions that ruined everything.
"Well, I...I asked him something and he...answered." That's not a lie, but it's not really everything either. And...my voice is breaking again.
Gale gets impatient. "Katniss, tell me! What did you say? What did he say? What happened?" I don't know why, but this is getting on my nerves. And before I can do anything about it, I am yelling.
"He kissed me, okay?" Then I clasp my hands over my mouth, thinking that that probably wasn't a very smart move.
Gale is stunned. He didn't expect that. "THIS is the reason you're so sad? I mean, angry, okay. Even if I wouldn't like it, happy would be understandable. But there must have been something else! Otherwise you wouldn't be sad." Before I get to reply he speaks up again. Well, more like shouts. "Wait, WHAT? He kissed you? How dare he? I'm going to kill him!"
Under different circumstances I might have found this funny and childish. But at the moment I just feel angry. And the need to explain that I have a right to be sad. To defend myself. "No, you're not. It was...my fault too. I..." I don't want to tell Gale that I kissed back. I don't want to explain. Come to think of it, I don't even know the reason myself.
Why did I do it? I mean, I remembered everything. My mind told me to go. Why did I not listen? I mean, I know where this brought me! I should have known before! Why didn't I pull away?
"Your fault? How was it your fault? I mean, I don't believe you asked him to...do it!" He shudders in disgust. There. He just managed to get me more upset. I mean, I know he can't stand Peeta, but is it really disgusting?
"No, I didn't! but...I asked some questions and he...I...forced him to answer. Kind of." At the end I'm quite again. I don't really know how to explain. Maybe because I don't want to. Maybe because I can't.
"What did you ask? What kind of question was that?" Should I answer him? Is it even an option not to? I decide to do it. But not about the bread.
"It was the way he behaved, some things he said. I just...wanted to know."
"You wanted to know? Oh Katniss, I could have told you! I did tell you! I thought you were smart! I told you he would hurt you! You should have listened!" Yes, I should have listened. But I didn't. That's why I feel this miserable sensation now.
This is it. The reason I do not open up to people. In the end I only end up hurt when I do. And there is only one way to prevent that. I won't. In this moment I make a deal with myself. I will never again kiss anyone, how it was supposed to be. I will go back to the life I lived before this...this all happened. A life where Peeta Mellark is a stranger. I will never again let anyone in my life. Never.
Gale has calmed down by now. "Come on Katniss, let's distract you. The fence isn't live anymore, so we can go hunting."
I nod my head. I'll do it the way it was before. No thinking of anything, cold and unpolite, uncaring. I'm never going to care about anyone but Prim, Gale and my mother again. I already feel my face becoming the old mask.
But I can't help but think of the last time I made a deal with myself. And how it backfired...
Soooooo...I think it's 2012 isn't it? And what did I promise? *sigh* I promised to decide about the rebellion thing.
First I want to say that I spent several hours thinking about this question and I talked to some people about it. And here a special thank you to InLoveWithPeeta who helped me with her ideas. It really wasn't that easy, especially because I had good reasons for both options. But...oh god I'm talking too much again. So, I decided to write the rebellion. But not in this document. I'm going to let this end so everyone who wants to can quit reading. I'm going to write a sequel. This is the decision I like the best. So don't worry, this story is going to have an ending which can be your ending, everyone who wants more can read the sequel. Because the story won't be fully told if I didn't write that.
Is everyone okay with this? I think you understand me:D
And now I have to say: I'm sorry:( I...I didn't want to...I'm just as mad at Katniss as you are. But she broke her heart as well. *Sigh* Alright, it is my fault. I'm a terrible person, I know. I let you wait a century and then...BUT IT HAD TO HAPPEN! You all knew it was coming, didn't you?
And by the way, sorry if Katniss was a bit undecided during the chapter...she was just very confused and sad. Oh well...you can't kill me if you want this to continue so...
Ok, you know what is REALLY calming and how you can tell me just how much you hate Katniss? REVIEW!