A/N: Thank you Aria-dancingdolphins15 (I think 17-year-olds can be really in love. I think you can be really in love whenever you find the right one:D Sorry, that may sound foolish but...that's what I believe...), DandelionOnFire (Nah, you're not insane...I like writing it a lot, so either we're both insane or neither of us is...and I think I'm gonna stick to neither of us because I don't think you are:D And THANKS AGAIN!), ohmygawdpeeta (Good:D That's what it was supposed to be like and I always pray I don't srew everything up...), Takeiteasycharlie (I don't really want to say I'm Team whoever, because this isn't Twilight. But otherwise I suppose the answer is kinda yes:) I don't like Gale because of this bomb...used to hate him), Kari (Okkkk, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? Did you somehow read my PMs...? Oh no, that's because of those 2 stories...phew...you can't know. Yes, or maybe no, because I have a MAJOR writer's block with the other one...oh well. I thought you knew about the one I'm writing for myself...:)), InLoveWithPeeta (He,he, thanks, but there surprisingly weren't any...:D), HungerGamesLover1020 (he,he. You're happy about that;)), theamazingtracy (here's more:D), Tree Hugger 11 (Oh yes, very true! He's so sexy;)), CharmChaser (yeah, well Soldier, you're not the only one seeing it this way:D And I'm sorry I made you cry...though I think that means I kind of made it seam real if you did...:D), BBree23 (Thank you for saying that:D), Alexis (I'm sorry I made you cry:D But I'm sooo glad you liked it:D), AngelsandTributes123 (yeah, he kinda already knew it, didn't he? And what is he supposed to say, 'I send you to hell for kissing her...Come to think of it...I did it, too!':D Am I the only one thinking this isn't right? But seriously, if Katniss hadn't told him, he would have reacted differently...more like you said:D And thank you!), nodaybut2day7 (oh, I have to apologize again! I'm sorry I made you cry:) And THANKS A LOT), boyywiththebread (THANK YOU SO MUCH! You made me so happy! And I'm sorry you cried:)) and Bucsfan37 (Thanks:D And of course I do:D)

Ok. For some season no one thought Gale was OOC. And everyone was agreeing with me! That's a first:D Oh well, on with the story...

Disclaimer: Do I own the Hunger Games? No! Did we already know that? YES!

Chapter 15 (can you believe it's already chapter 15?):

There's this thing with thinking things and actually doing them. Thinking is not only a lot easier, more effortless and faster, but also a lot less…embarrassing? If I said that to anyone, it would come out the wrong way, I'm sure of it. But…I make myself vulnerable only with actions, never with thoughts.

What I dread is not making a fool out of myself. No, that's not the point. But I don't like making myself vulnerable. It makes me feel weak and if there's one thing I hate more than the Capitol, it's weakness. I just can't afford to be weak if I want to survive.

But then there's also the thing with the guilt. Another feeling I hate. And when these two feelings come together, it means absolute horror for me.

And that's how I'm feeling right now, while I'm wandering the meadow up and down. Guilty. And weak, too, for not doing what I wanted to do. It's even worse than when I just wanted to thank Peeta and swallow my pride. This time it's not only swallowing my pride. This time it's also…revealing how I feel. Guilty, sad and hurt. And even though it's not only my fault, I still feel like I am the one having to apologize. I kind of forced him to answer me.

There's that 'he' again. In the last week I caught myself still thinking of Peeta as he. And I always think it feels wrong, because I've moved on from that. I dropped that avoiding-him deal when I promised myself to talk to him, to apologize.

Yes, that's what happened. I thought. I promised. I didn't do it though. I am kind of afraid, I think. The problem is that I don't like being afraid. I don't like feeling vulnerable.

That's the way my thoughts were going for hours. Then, in a fit of self-confidence and because I told myself to do it, I managed to come out of my house and I somehow ended up at this meadow. Maybe my subconscious mind thought he would be here. After all, this is were it ended and it kind of felt like he would come here. And okay, maybe I just don't want to go over to the bakery to face his family. Especially his mother. And I don't want them to listen when I talk to Peeta either.

I stop walking up and down, since it has started driving me crazy, sit down and sigh. Why can't he just come here? It would be so much easier. But, as I've known that for years, life isn't easy. And this isn't even something my life depends on.

But still, when I think of Peeta, of talking to him, of staring into that blue eyes of his again, I feel a mixture of nervousness, guilt and, as much as I hate to admit it, longing. I've admitted to myself that I miss him, but accepting it is different though. After all this time denying I even know him, it isn't that easy for me. I've always been good at persuading myself something.

And now I have to fight not only that persuasion, but also the other three feelings. I groan, frustrated with myself. Come on Katniss, just go over to him and tell him you want to talk to him! How hard can it possibly be?

I rise, gaining confidence again. Yes, I can do this. I thanked him for the bread, too. Come to think of it, I managed to provide my family for six years. This apologize is nothing compared to that.

With that thought in my head, stuck there, since I won't let it escape, I make my way into town. There's no turning back now. I can't. I won't carry this guilt with me forever.

When I'm at the edge of the Seam I see something. More like someone. He immediately catches my attention, not only because he's the one I was looking for, but also because of his blond curls and light skin. They make it obvious that he isn't from here. That he is from town. Like Prim and my mother.

There are people here that actually care about that. Like Gale. There are also people in town that think we are not as much worth as they are. Like Peeta's mother. The witch. Those are the people Gale thinks of when he rants about the merchants. And he thinks of us being poorer, having to enter our names in the reaping ball more often.

Of course he's right, it isn't fair. But everyone living in district twelve knows one thing for sure: Life isn't fair. So we might as well live with that fact. Ranting about it won't help either way.

And it's not as though every merchant was smug and selfish. Madge isn't. Peeta. I almost laugh. Peeta and selfish. Those two words just don't sound right together.

And there he is, walking. This is possibly the best chance I have to talk to him. In school he's always surrounded by his friends and it isn't exactly the best place to talk, either. People would listen and gossip. And if there's one thing I don't need at the moment, it's gossip. This isn't the bakery either. So there's not even his family. And at the moment, I can't see anyone but him on this road. Yes, this is definitely the best time to talk to him.

So I once again gather all of my courage and force my legs to start moving and my feet to start walking. I would shout after him, but my mouth just doesn't open and even if it did, I doubt I would be able to form any coherent word, much less sentence, because I suddenly feel that lump in my throat again.

Watching him a week ago was a lot easier than this, because I had no intention of talking to him. But now every feeling the adrenalin made disappear for a short time reappears.

When I'm only one step behind him I try to say his name though, because I somehow have to get his attention. My voice is very quiet and I'm not sure if he was able to hear it, so I'm a bit startled when he turns around, a look of disbelieve on his face.

"Ka…Katniss?" When he says my name I see different emotions in his eyes. First happiness, then remembrance, then hurt. Hurt mixed confusion and something else. Something I don't know how to call. Maybe it is longing?

I think that my face must show something similar, only without confusion. "We…we need to talk." When I say those words his face suddenly becomes like a mask. It betrays no emotion anymore, it looks so…cold, empty. It doesn't fit. That's not how I remember it. It's not how it is supposed to be.

"Why?" Even his voice sounds empty, too, it matches his face. It sounds like it did it was before he and Gale talked, when I saw him on the clearing. No, I can't think about that day right now. I need a steady voice. Well, as steady as possible.

"Because…because I made a mistake!" I stutter again. This is not how I planned it. Peeta isn't as…easy to convince to talk to me as I thought. He is colder, I've never seen him this way before. I didn't even think he could be like this.

"A mistake? I thought it's clear what you're doing! You're avoiding me, I let you avoid me. You seemed to be pretty content with that!" He doesn't shout, but his voice is raised. He has a reason. I think I would be angry with myself, too. I understand him. I mean, first I ignore him for half a year and then I come, telling him I made a mistake.

But it hurts though. Hearing his pain, almost enduring it myself. Which, somehow, I am. I mean, he isn't the only one who remembers. Who feels this heavy heart, this…hole. This feeling as though something is missing and you can't replace it. That's what it feels for me at least. This and guilt.

"Peeta I…I know how angry you are. But…let me…I mean…I just want to…" I'm cut off by him, but I don't know what to say anyway. Why is it so hard to talk?

"No Katniss, you don't. You have no idea." This time, it's my time to cut him off. I know what he feels like. And even though he has every right to be angry with me, him telling me that I don't know makes me upset.

"I do! Don't you think I did…that I do…do think about you." I finish lamely. I was going to say care about you, but I can't. I can't demand from him to be my friend again. So I can't tell him I care about him. I miss him. But it would not be fair to tell him. And I have no idea how to do it either way. I'm not Peeta. Neither do I have his way with words, nor am I able to talk about my feelings.

"Yeah well, that's nice to know." His tone is sarcastic and that makes me angry. What happened to the kind boy I've come to know?

And then it hits me. Me. I am what happened to him. I broke his heart, I am the reason that his voice sounds hollow and that his eyes are empty. It's my fault and here I am, in the progress of fighting with him again because I feel treated unfair. I'm a horrible person.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, all my anger faded. How could I be angry at him when it's all my fault? It isn't really a whisper, more like a breath of wind. Again I doubt he has heard it and again I'm surprised when he has.

"What?" This time, his voice isn't sarcastic or hurt or hollow. It's only confused. And taken aback. He didn't expect that. I nod, only to confirm that, yes, he heard right.

"I'm sorry." I say again, this time with more confidence. And I don't stop talking. "I'm sorry I run away that day. I probably shouldn't have, I think you were right, but I did. That was wrong and I know it. It's just that I can't. I can't do that. I can't return any feelings because I swore I'd never do that. And I'm confused Peeta! I don't…don't know what to think, what to feel. It's just that I'm not able to feel more. And…I don't know what I feel for you, I just…

What am I supposed to do? My father died and my mother…she's never been the same woman again. I was eleven when I became the head of my family, when I became what my father was, what my mother should have become after his death! Do you think I would want any other child to go through this? Do you think Iwould like to go through this? My mother isn't happy in her own little world, she lives in despair and pain. She's weak. I don't want to be weak. I can't afford to be weak. It would kill them.

And that's what those kind of feelings are. A weakness. It's just…" I would say more, but I'm cut off by him again.

"That's what you think? That it makes you weak? You think that is everything it does? Katniss, what about the good times? What about the good side of it? I don't know how I can make you understand, I…"

And then he seems to get an idea, because his whole face lits up in triumph. "Katniss, where do you draw your strength from?"

I don't know what this is supposed to mean, but I answer though. There is only one answer, the thing I'm most certain of and sometimes the only thing I'm certain of. "From Prim. And my father. Prim mustn't starve and if I don't do anything, she will. My father did it before me and I somehow think…that I would…kind of dump everything he worked for if I stopped providing them. That I would betray them. And…of course I don't want them to starve. They deserve to live."

He nods, but he doesn't seem too content with my answer. I don't understand why. I mean, I haven't talked to him for half a year and still I am giving him very personal answers. Answers that don't even have to do with me apologizing…or do they?

"Yes, but why do you think like that? What is the reason?"

"How do you mean that?" I don't understand. Still. What does he want me to say?

He sighs. "Katniss, what do you feel for them?"

And then, without thinking I answer: "I love them." He looks at me expectantly. For a moment I am confused, and then it clicks. Of course. I mentally curse myself. Not because it isn't true. No, because that's exactly what he wanted me to say. He's right, I do love them. I do love my father. Yes, do. Not did. And now it makes sense. They don't make me weak. They are a weakness, yes, but they also make me strong.

But then again, what would happen if something happened to my mother or Prim? It would destroy me. That's what I can't bear. Not even the thought.

"You see? You wouldn't be the strong person you are if you didn't love them. And they make you happy. When you think of your sister, do you feel weak?"

No. That's the honest answer to this. When I think of her, I feel strong, I feel protecting, I feel happy, because Prim makes me happy. With her innocence and her goodness. How she's always kind and friendly, never hating or with bad thoughts.

But I still have one argument left. "That's not the kind of feeling you want from me." Because he most certainly doesn't want a brother-sister relationship with me. He wants more and we both know it.

He surprises me again. He smiles. That's not what I expected, I expected him to look…yeah, what? Taken aback? Not really. But I didn't think he would smile.

"Better this than no you at all. Katniss I…I missed you. It's just not the same without you." What am I supposed to say now? I mean, I did miss him, too and of course there were quite a few things different but…if I say that now, that wouldn't come out right. So I decide to say nothing and wait for him to continue.

"I mean…would you mind being my…friend again?" Now I am taken aback. He is full of surprises today. And what would I give to take that offer? I mean, that would be way better than I imagined.

But it would also be selfish. I know it would hurt him. I know it couldn't be like before. He can't just shut his feeling out. And me…what do I feel?

Yes, what do I feel? In the last month, when I completely avoided him, I didn't allow myself to think about any feelings. And even though now doesn't seem to be the best moment, the thoughts do cross my mind. I mean, I do feel protected when he holds me. And even though my father held me too, I can't really compare it. And then the kiss of course. It's not like with Gale. I can't say I don't know if I felt something, because I know I did. What makes this whole thing not easier. Seeing him every day knowing that and knowing what I don't want.

"I…I don't know. I…don't want to hurt you and I don't want to hurt…" I trail off and stare at my feet. I can't continue talking. But I feel his eyes bore into my mind. How they try to understand. I just know he's looking at me and that makes me look up again. Look up and meet two blue eyes.

"Who? Who would you hurt?" His eyes lock with mine and he just stares for a second. Then he seems to find something and it shocks him. Well, not shock. But a mixture of surprise and confusion.

"Katniss…" He starts and trails off. I see him swallow. "Why would it hurt…" Again he seems not to be able to continue. He doesn't need to. We both know what he thinks. We both know it's right.

Before I started writing I seriously had no idea what I was going to do. But I'm pretty content with the outcome, aren't you? My only comment to Peeta's behavior in the beginning of their conversation: Guys, he's human. To how he calmed: He's Peeta! He can't be mad at her when he knows her reasons...

I'm sorry it took me longer to update, but my dad cut my WLAN-wire (the one connected with the battery). He actually thought it was wool. Don't ask, I have no idea how anyone could confuse that...:) The outcome was that I had no internet.

Remember to leave me a REVIEW, because that is the best gift you can give an author:D So REVIEW!