A/N: Thank you MissAriannaDark (Not quite sure what to answer you...guess what, just read the chapter:D), yeeeitscarmen (ha,ha, yeah, that's my dad:D Thanks:D), RandomRandoms14 (I'm glad you like it:D), Takeiteasycharlie (He,he:D Just read and you'll know:D), InLoveWithPeeta (I'm seriously spoiling too much...oh well:)), summerrainstorm (Thank you again), BBree23 (:D Thanks a lot for saying that! Especially since you're such a great writer yourself:D), lori -fangirl (he,he, thanks:D), Laniebanie (THANK YOU! Seriously, you made me sooo happy:D), Kari (ok:) And thank you:)), CharmChaser (yay, I'm a commander nowxD), ohmygawdpeeta (yes, that makes him kind of more perfect...that he isn't perfect...Ok, I do not blame you if you think this doesn't make sense:D, [reviewer without a name](potatoxD), HappyBlossom (we all do, we all do:)), Tree hugger11 (*grin* He,he, thanks a lot:D You really make me happy:)), AngelsandTributes123 (A cactus! That's perfect! The perfect comparison:D), Bucsfan37 (Who doesn't love drama? And I have no problem with you telling me it's good;D), nodaybut2day7 (don't worry, I didn't plan on doing that, but I think Katniss would be a bit more open if it wasn't so...messed up with them. She never pretended, do you know what I mean? And there was no war, she isn't so broken...but it won't go that fast.), Alexis (If I were Peeta I would be so mad at her, probably never forgive her. But I'm not Peeta, I'm more like Katniss, unforgiving. My problem: I can't quit remembering...), KissPeeta (Aww, thanks:D), vivalajulia15 (THANK YOU! You have no idea how encouraging it is to read something like thisxD), aihpomila (OMG! Oh god, oh god, NO! SORRY! Don't cry! You didn't get it right:D She's NOT dating Gale! NOT! Oh god! Just...read the chapter and everything will be WAY less confusing:) And yes, Peeta does deserve someone better...he just doesn't want to...), bethespark (No, it's not the end. You will know it's the end when I mark it 'complete'. And thank you:D Here's more for you to read:) And by the way, about my other story...writer's blog)
And (No, I didn't forget you:D How could I;)) DandelionOnFire! THANKS! You are my 200th reviewer! THANK YOUxD
200 REVIEWS=EXTREME HAPPINESS OF IAM97! I'M SOOO HAPPY! THANK YOU EVERYONE!
Sooo, there were quite a few of you mentioning the ending of the last chapter and I just wanted to say: I'm sorry. It was kinda messed up...I didn't know what to write so I ended it this way...oh well, I THINK you'll have your questions answered this chapter.
Disclaimer: Is my name Suzanne Collins? No. Do I own the Hunger Games? Still no.
Chapter 16:
My eyes widen. I'm shocked. My own thoughts shock me. I shake my head, neither wanting this kind of thoughts anymore, nor his eyes locked with mine. I mentally scold myself. How could I be that stupid? I know how his eyes, especially combined with his words, affect me. How could I make that mistake again?
"It wouldn't." I manage to get out. No it wouldn't, it couldn't, it mustn't. That's all there is to that, nothing else. I don't want it, so it isn't.
"Katniss if it would…" I cut him off, already feeling my anger come back.
"I said it wouldn't." I spit my words out, stubbornly, so he can't misunderstand me. "I just don't want to hurt you. That's everything."
He looks at me and from the corner of my eye I think I can see how he doubts my words. I refuse to look him in the eyes. Who knows what they would make me think and worse, say again? I can't afford to talk too much. Not with this blue orbs boring in my gray ones.
"Ok, Katniss, calm down." No, he does most definitely not believe me. Though his voice is soothing it is at the same time kind of…disbelieving. There is just no other word. Well, maybe a bit amused, too. But that could just be me.
"You will not hurt me, okay? If you don't want to be my friend then okay, I'll accept it. This way it would be at least a…I don't know how to call it. Better way to end everything. More...proper, you know. Without tension. I still want to be your friend, so just tell me now." I think about his words. Before I got sidetracked by other thoughts, but now I sincerely think about being Peeta's friend again.
I would still feel guilty, of course, because no matter what he says, it will hurt him. But the idea is also so tempting. Very tempting. I only need to think of that picture under the stars and the memory to realize just how much I want to take his offer. One free day to look forward to, one day where I don't have to do anything but wandering and watching. Just…how did Prim phrase it once…doing something just for fun. I missed those days and now…now I could have them again. I also missed Peeta's friendship, how he would always find a way to get me to relax.
And because I'm selfish and that's a human weaknesses, I decide to take his offer. "Ok."
I can see his whole face light up. But still, there is some part of him thinking, wondering if I said what he thinks I said. "Ok what?" And he looks at me with so much hope that I can't help but smile. For the first time today.
"Ok, we can be friends again." Now he really smiles. The smile that gives him dimples in his cheeks. This is it. The boy I missed, the boy I know. And even though I'm sure there is at least a bit of pain hidden inside him, I can't say I regret it.
"What are we going to do now? Go home and see what happens?" I ask. If I'm honest, I don't want to. But I don't know if he has something to do. I mean, I hunted extra long yesterday, so I was able to take today off. I thought this would take a lot longer. I assume I thought of Peeta more as like myself. That was a mistake. Peeta is nothing like myself. Well, stubborn maybe. That's where it ends. He is so much more forgiving than I am.
I suddenly realize how short my actual apology was. We somehow got sidetracked.
"Katniss?" I'm snapped out of my thoughts by Peeta, whose voice sounds concerned. Just wonderful. Now I got him to forgive me, to even be my friend again, and then I don't listen to him. When he answers a question I asked.
"I'm sorry." I tell him. I don't only mean that not listening, but he seems to get it that way, because before I can continue he's talking again.
"I said that it depends on you. If you have time, we could…" He's searching for something to do. Then some idea comes to him, one that makes me once again forget my urge to give him a real, full apology. "…Remember that night? Out in the woods?"
Oh, I do remember. Especially after another day out there and a beautiful picture. But of course I can't tell him that. Who knows what he would think if I told him that I was out there. Even though he is one of the calmest persons on this earth, I think he would be very upset with me.
Of course I don't say any of that. Instead my simple answer is: "Yeah."
He smiles. "Remember what we talked about?"
Oh. Now I know what he's getting at. Of course. "NO!" I try to make it sound terrified and kind of defensive, but it comes out more as a mixture of amusement and curiosity. Curiosity if he really means it.
Teaching me how to draw. I shudder. No. There's definitely no way I'm going to be an artist. I can't do that, drawing was never something I was able to do. My dad knew how to draw, yes, and he gave that talent to Prim. Even though neither of them would be able to paint like Peeta does, they at least could manage to draw something worth being compared to Peeta's. Mine would be called a piece of very uncreative mixture of colors.
Peeta chuckles. I glare at him, though it's halfhearted. "Come on Katniss. I can teach you. Really. It's not that hard."
"It is! And…" I need a new argument. Right now. Because otherwise he is going to win this one. This is one of the few things he and Prim don't have in common. He is actually able to win an argument with me. But then I remember something. A real argument which must make even him hesitant.
"Peeta it would cost something. Those pencils aren't cheap and we both know it. I can't use them if I don't pay for them and I can't afford to pay anything."
He sighs. I was right, this is actually a good argument. "Is this about you owing me again? Katniss, you don't owe me anything and you won't if I tell you to use my pencils. Come on."
But I still hesitate. No matter what he says, I do owe him and I will owe him. If only we could do something useful with his paintings. If only he could teach me and not waste time, because that's what it is. No one could teach me and that's just the way it is. There are some things I can't learn. And won't, because what would I do with it. There's nothing I could…
There is something. There actually is something I could use his talent for drawing for. Where he could maybe teach me something about it. Yes, there is something I've wanted to do for a long time.
"The book!", I say. Peeta gives me a confused look. Of course he has no idea what I'm talking about. So I decide to explain.
"We have a family book at home. It's old, the pages already yellow. A ancestor of my mother started writing it and since then there was always anyone to continue, always anyone who had knowledge of plants and what to use them for. It helped me survive, because my father wrote which plants, vegetables and fruits are edible and which aren't. But there are still things that aren't in this book and…I want to add them."
Peeta still looks confused. "Okay, I mean, that's a great idea, really, but what do you need me for?" Oh. Right. It isn't as obvious as I thought, but that's probably because he can't read my mind…most of the time. It might also be the fact that he doesn't know as much about plants as I do.
"Well, as you pointed out, I can't draw. Have you any idea how dangerous it can be to confuse plants? What if you thought you ate a blueberry and it was a poisonous one? Whatever plant it is, every leaf and every flower has to look exactly like the real one. Every color and every shape. And I obviously can't draw like this?"
Now he isn't confused anymore, but somehow doubtful. I don't know why though. I mean, it's an useful idea, after all. And his skills are good enough.
"Katniss, I want to teach you to draw. You know, flowers are not very easy. In fact, it's one of the most difficult choices. We can do that, if you want. It really does sound very good. And I'm sure people could need your knowledge some day. But…for drawing lessons…"
Oh. He's really determined to get me to draw. And of course he's right, flowers aren't easy. But this book would be the perfect thing for us to do. We could wander again and I could show him what he has to draw. I could write. It just seems so fitting, like something we could both use our knowledge and talent.
"Yeah well…we can start with something easy. I could…make a sketch." He seems to think about it, his eyebrows raised.
"Ok. But how? I mean, will you describe them? Or how do I draw the flowers I don't know?" I grin. I knew he would agree eventually.
"I'll show you." I tell him. "We go out there every month. You can draw them when we find them. It's easier for you and for me, too. And this way we could actually do something useful with me drawing."
Now he actually laughs, no confusion on his face anymore. "You can't be that bad Katniss. And who says you drawing isn't useful otherwise?"
What? What is that supposed to mean? How could it be useful otherwise? It doesn't make sense. Not at all. I mean, even to him, how would it be? If he lived in the Capitol then maybe he would be able to make this his job. Becoming an artist. Here his only option is becoming a baker. It is a shame, really. He could paint so much better if only he had the right equipment.
But where we live there is no chance for him to be successful with painting. And if not for earning money, for what could he use it?
But I don't ask that. I remember the last time I asked him about strange things he said and I especially remember the outcome. Now that we talk again I don't want to ruin it.
"But that still doesn't answer my first question." What? What first question? I try to recall our conversation, but the only question I remember I didn't answer, at least not the way that he believed me, is the answer hw will not get in any other way. I hope he is not talking about that, because I already feel that lump forming in my throat.
"What are you talking about?" He gives me a strange look, probably because of the worry in my voice. The lump goes away. His expression tells me there is nothing to be worried about. I let out a breath.
"About you having time?" He says, though it comes out as a question. "What did you think I was talking about?"
"Nothing." I answer, before he has even finished his sentence. Then I realize what that sounds like. It sounds as though there was something I'm not telling him. Ok, there is. I don't want to bring that up would only make things complicated and I hate complication. I just want this to be like before. Or at least close to it, because I know now.
And because of that, I tell him: "I mean, I thought that was what you were asking. I just…" I trail off. Gale is right, I really am a bad liar. And I should start thinking before I talk.
"Katniss, you know that you're a bad liar, don't you?" Can he somehow read my mind? No, that's not possible, otherwise he wouldn't be asking.
"I'm not lying!" I say, but I know it's too late. Just like always.
"How come I don't believe you Katniss?" Now this is getting irritating. And harder, for me, to find answers. So I decide to just change the topic. I answer his real question.
"Yes. I mean, I do have time. We can go right now." I smile. I know I confused him and he gives me that look again from the side, trying to figure me out. Trying to make me look him in the eyes. But there's no way I'm doing that. I don't trust myself when I look into them.
So I stare straight forward, not daring to turn my head.
He continues watching me for a while, until he finally decides to talk again. "Where are we going?"
I look at the ground. I hadn't realized we were walking, but it only takes me a few seconds to figure out where my feet are dragging me.
"We're heading to my house. After all, I have to go get that book." He now looks surprised.
"Today?" What was he thinking? He asks me if I have times, I answer yes and…oh well, I assume I don't have to understand that.
"Yes, today, right now actually. I have wanted to do this for a long time, you know?"
"Why haven't you told me before? I mean, we went out there for…about a half year? I drew lots of flowers. We could have done that back then, too, you know?"
He's right. But back then, I didn't need an excuse so that he wouldn't make me draw.
"I don't know. I was not thinking about it." That's not a lie. I didn't think of it. But he doesn't need to know about the drawing thing. This conversation seems to have distracted him from his other question though I don't know if he has forgotten them. He is a better actor then I am.
When we arrive at my house I tell him to wait a second and go inside, trying to remember where the book is.
"Hey Prim, have you seen our plant book?" I ask. I have to raise my voice, because even though our house has only three rooms it can be hard to understand when you're in one room and the person you're talking to in another.
Prim doesn't like shouting through the whole house, which is the reason that only seconds after that she comes through the door. "It should be in the cupboard. Why?"
Should I tell her? "Because I want to add some plants." Half of the truth. That's enough, I decide. She will know soon enough and I seriously don't want to explain now.
"Ok…" She looks at me with doubt while I'm searching the book. When I finally find it and pull it out she speaks again.
"Katniss, why are you smiling?" Her eyebrow is raised while she asks. I'm surprised. I didn't realize I was smiling and I can't tell her the reason because I don't know. I suppose I'm just happy about finding the book and finally getting the chance to immortalize my knowledge.
"No reason." I tell her, ignoring the strange look she gives me and make my way outside. "Bye!"
When I close the door and spot Peeta, he looks amused.
"What?" I ask.
He chuckles. "Do you always shout through the whole Seam when you want to talk to your sister?" I glare at him, but I don't answer. I know he's right.
"Shut up. Do you want to go now or have you anything else to say about me being too loud?" He tries to look afflicted, but his smirk doesn't fade. I sigh. Does every boy act like that? I suppose the answer is yes, because I know this behavior from Gale. But then again it's not as though I'm an expert in cause boys.
When we go out in the woods it takes us barely five minutes to find a plant that isn't already in the book. I don't know why, but it just confirms my thoughts about me needing to write something, too.
Peeta actually forces me to draw the outlines of the flower. Even though I think it's worse than bad, he tells me it's good for a beginner and tells me how to make it look real.
I have to admit that the theory sounds easy. However, actually doing it is a whole different matter. I just don't succeed in sketching the little hairs on the stalk. They're so thin and daintily that I give up after a few mintues, telling him it's not possible.
Of course he has to prove me wrong, take the pencil and somehow manage to let me see them without them seeming too big. When I stare at it in disbelieve he laughs and tells me it is indeed possible.
"I can see that!" I hiss, even though I know it isn't his fault. I just don't like not succeeding.
After a quarter-hour of discussing he finally gives in and draws the rest. I write everything I know about it down.
After that I thought he would give up trying to teach me. Wrong. I had to sketch every flower we found before he drew. He refused to draw before I had done something.
That's how the day went. That's how the next weeks went. Until…
You know, I found it kinda strange that NO ONE used this book idea before...but hey, their loss, my gain, huh? I mean, it's fitting isn't it? And it's also perfect for what I plan on doing...;D
If you wondered how they didn't act as...careful as one may have assumed, do you remember Catching Fire? How they acted like nothing happened...well, almost. Yeah, just needed to say that in case some of you wondered...
And by the way, if you still don't know who she meant last chapter (though I think I made it pretty obvious), she meant herself...Gale would be pretty...illogical?
Ok, now I seriously need your opinion. Because it's important for me to know what you think:D
REVIEW!