A/N: Thank you SOOOO much DandelionOnFire (ha,ha, I hope your teacher won't read that...anyway, thanks!), MissAriannaDark (yeah, true:)And no, I've never imagined this...it's kinda weird...:D), Embracing-Immensity (yeah, you're right. She should to that. But she's Katniss;)), Aria-dancingdolphins15 (THANK YOU! I'm so happy about your review xD), LanieBanie (Aww, thanks, I feel so honored xD), LoveforMellark, Kari (ha,ha, I know;)), Emma Kellog (OMG THANKS! That was kinda one of the biggest compliments you could have given me xD), AngelsandTributes123 (Not yet, but...there's something you will like...I think;)), PerkyTurkeyBaby (OMG! You're German! Finally someone from my country xD...anyway, it won't take them too long now...:D), InLoveWithPeeta (Ha,ha, nah, you're not;) I say things like that, too, sometimes {says the girl who freaked out when she doung out lion king was gonna be in cinema again...in 3D;)}),RowebotRowe (THANKS! *squeal*! I'm so happy to hear that, it means a lot to me xD), lucindamellark (now;)), yeeeitscarmen (Really? I don't like this tea so much...Either way, THANK YOU:D), Takeiteasycharlie (Gale...Gale will come back;)), CharmChaser (Yeah, that is a good answer xD), Aloha-Pinkly (Aww, thanks xD), HungerGamesLover1020 (you're not the only one;)), BBree23, ohmygawdpeeta, RandomRandoms14 (THANK YOU! You have no idea how much that means to me xD), EveryoneDeservesASecondChancd (WOW, THANK YOU! I'm soooooo happy xD), (ha,ha, that's enough xD Thank you!), nodaybut2day7 (Thanks:D I'm amazed you all like that idea xD), peeta-mellark4ever, Bucsfan37 (yeah, I would have loved that too;D), ThexBoyxWithxThexBread (Soon enough?), Anonymous (THANK YOU! I'm glad you think so), komal (Wow. You almost brought me to tears with that review. I was so overwhelmed with happiness:D THANK YOU SO MUCH!), Bri bri (Aww, thanks:D That means a lot to me:D), ImaGleek234 (THANK YOU! And yes, I've written an one-shot, in German and English, it's the same one. You can find it on my profile:D I'm also co-writing a story with BBree23:D It's called 'Just A Dream':D), Alexis (he,he, yeah, that was cute:)), HUngerGAmes1312 (ha,ha, here's the chapter:D), rosiekatira24 (you're welcome;))
I'm SO glad you liked the last chapter, because I did, too. I don't think I enjoyed writing another one that much:D And I want to thank you for the reviews again! It's so amazing to read them, YOU'RE SO AMAZING, I love all of you (don't get that the wrong way;))xD
Sooo...I'm just gonna say I'm kinda addicted to flashbacks now...but this time it's only one...one I can't deny I like:D
Disclaimer: I'm not Suzanne Collins, thus I don't own the Hunger Games.
Chapter 18:
"Why do you never look me in the eyes?"
To say I'm shocked would be an understatement. There were many things he could have asked. Questions that may have hurt me, questions about answers I don't know, questions about everything. Why did it have to be the question I don't want, and somehow can't, answer.
So I decide to lie. "I do. Sometimes." But I'm still avoiding his eyes. I know this can't end well.
Peeta gives me that look again. That look that's clearly implying that I'm not telling the truth. "Katniss, don't lie to me. You're doing it again and again and again. What is your problem?"
He doesn't ask the last question in a condescending tone, like other people probably would. It's pure curiosity, maybe concern.
I don't know what to answer though. I mean, I can't very well drop the subject now, can I? So I have to come up with an acceptable answer.
The truth? No. I don't even need to consider that. I mean, what would he think if I told him that it makes me think things I shouldn't? How would it come out? The problem is, what does it really mean? I think this whole answering business would be way easier if I could really answer this question. It's true, what I tell myself I mean. I know the effect those eyes have on me, when they lock with mine and try to read my thoughts. When I would suddenly tell him what I think, everything I think, when I can't lie.
That's one problem. When I'm looking someone in the eyes while lying he or she can immediately tell that I am not telling the truth. Gale can. Prim can. Even my mother can. Sometimes, like a few minutes ago, people that know me can also tell when I'm not looking them in the eyes.
But the real problem is that I'm not able to…I don't know. I'm not able to do something to myself, I don't have the control. It's distracted. Somehow, when I think about this, my thoughts go to a conversation I had with my mother once. It was years ago when I was ten, when my father was still alive and I didn't remember it until now.
My father is out in the woods and I watch her looking at a ring on her finger, her wedding ring. She's smiling and even though I her eyes are fixed on the ring I can see that special emotion in it. That emotion she calls love.
That thought makes me smile. I always thought my mother and my father are perfect for each other and I know they love each other and me and Prim. They tell us, they tell each other. But neither of them ever told me how they got to know each other. I know that my mother grew up in town and that my father was the son of a coal miner. It seems strange that they got married, because I have never seen another couple like them. Always merchant and merchant. Always coal miner and coal miner.
So I ask: "Mother?" to get her attention. She is now looking at me. "How come you married Father?"
She gives me a smile, one of that kind she always gives father. "Because I love him."
But I shake my head. That's not what I mean. "No, I mean…how come you aren't like the others. I mean, you are a merchant's daughter."
She seems to know what I mean now. Because her face shows understanding, although her smile doesn't fade. "You mean why haven't I married a merchant?"
I nod. Yes, that's what I tried to say.
"Well, that's easy. The reason is still that I love your father. But Katniss…you're young. You may not understand that. Maybe, someday, you will. But I'll try to explain."
She stares into the distance as if trying to go back in time and begins with the story:
"You see, when I was younger I thought like you do now. My parents told me it had to be that way. They told me marrying a merchant was the right, the only thing to do. And of course I believed them. I was young, like you are, and I thought that all a coal miner would do was making life worse for me. They had no money and some of them had the reputation that they tried to get a girl from town to get her money.
So I lived in this beliefs for years. One day your father came to sell some herbs he gathered in the woods. My parents bought them and sometimes, when they weren't there, I bought them, too, and talked to your father a little. He was polite, not at all how I imagined people from the Seam to be. At first it were only a few comments, but over the time I grow to think differently about him, to talk about other things.
He told me about the woods, he described them to me. I always liked hearing about them, about the herbs, about everything that could be done with them. How they could save lifes. But I was too afraid to go out there when he asked me.
Over the time, I felt myself becoming more and more attached to him. It was…there was something that made me think about him, something that made me like him. I realized what I was doing though.. And that was when the doubts came, too.
Was he really the guy he always pretended he was? Or did he indeed pretend? Was he one of those guys trying to get a merchant daughter? Was he what my father had told me to stay away from? Did he really like me? Or did he only like my money? Was I just his toy?
For a short period I tried to figure him out. If he really wanted more than friendship. And he did. I just knew it, I could see it in his eyes. I began distancing myself from him. I began telling myself that allowing that feeling would only hurt. That he would only have hurt me. That he would only have used me.
That was until that one day, that one day I heard him singing. It was…indescribable. You've heard your father sing. You know how beautiful his voice is. He sang with so much life and joy in his voice and…I knew he couldn't be a bad guy. Not with this voice. So I decided to talk to him again. I did and he sang for me again. That was when I realized what I had done. I had lied to myself. When I pretended he was a player, I had known that he wasn't. It was a lie I told myself so it wouldn't hurt me. But his voice opened my eyes, it helped me to see clear."
Back then I didn't know what she meant. I was too young to understand, she had been right. But now this story seems different to me. More understandable. I don't know why that is though. But when I look at the blond boy sitting in front of me, a thought comes to my mind.
It reminds me of our story.
Of course, it's not only similarities. Her thoughts, her motives, her beliefs were different. But…somehow it does remind me of Peeta and me…in some strange way, a way I don't know how to think about. She grew to like him, but when he wanted more than friendship, she pushed him away.
Until he came with his voice. Until his talent made her talk to him. It was Peeta's talent, his words, that made me talk to him. Words he doesn't know I've heard. But I know they were. And…there is something that happens to me when he locks our eyes.
And with that memory, I have a suspicion what happens. Those blue orbs I avoided for so long don't allow me to lie to myself. What I don't know is what that means. And in some way it scares me. Because of my parents.
My parent's story ended with them getting married. Well, not really, but that's where it ended at the time she told me the story.
And that is exactly what I don't like. Not that my parents got married, no, but what that would say about Peeta and me. I mean, I can't get married. I knew it since I was eleven. Since I saw my mother break and go into depression. I knew I could never do that. And then there was also the danger of my children getting reaped. I could never bear watching them killing or worse, getting killed. That's just…I can't. And I will never be able at overcome that thought.
"Katniss" Peeta's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. "Katniss, what are you thinking about?"
He tilts my head up with his hand, so that I can't not look at his face.
"Look at me." The way he says it tells me that he doesn't mean his face or his body. He means his eyes. "Why is it so difficult for you?"
And with that words I give up. For some reason I don't know, I have to. I can't resist anymore. Maybe it's because of his eyes which I could feel boring into my scalp. Maybe it's that I want some answers, answers I didn't know I had questions about.
And when they lock with mine, I know it's the latter. Because they come immediately rushing into my mind.
What could, would happen? What would happen if I just ignored my mind? What would happen if I let go of my reservations? Is that what my mother questioned, too? What is this, this thing I'm feeling right now?
This question comes when I feel how warm his hand is on my chin, how it relaxes me and how I don't really want him to let go.
Why is it so foreign yet familiar? Why am I liking it so much? Why do I enjoy it when I shouldn't? Why do I know I'm not feeling this for the first time and more important, why can't I stop it? Are this the questions I was so afraid of? What's making me ask this? Why do his eyes have this effect on me?
They buzz through my brain like a swarm of bees would buzz through the forest at summer. The questions, I mean. To some, I can guess the answer. Some are answered by others. Those are indeed the questions I was so afraid of. And I do know why. Those are questions I wouldn't ask under normal circumstances. Because I shouldn't.
The problem is that looking into one's eyes shouldn't be an unusual incident. And usually, it isn't. But with Peeta's eyes it's different. Those blue orbs that let one look so deep into his soul. I know enough about him to know that his thoughts do exactly reflect that depth. I just don't know if I want to know. No, I don't know if I should know.
That's what makes him interesting, that's what makes him…I don't know…himself? That's what made me tell Prim I like him. That's what makes me like him. But…there's also this strange feeling I have now. That feeling that makes more questions surface.
Why does it feel so good to be with him? What is it that makes me blush? Why do I feel so warm right now? Why do I not know what to do about that feeling? And why am I curious? Curious to know more about it?
It's wrong and I know it. That's what makes the fact that I don't really care at the moment even more unbearable. It's as though my mind is fighting something, something I can't name.
My mind tells me that I can't, no, mustn't feel that thing. That I have to fight it, to ignore it. That it is forbidden.
But the other half ask why. Why is it forbidden? Why should it be forbidden when I like it? When it doesn't hurt me?
Not yet. It doesn't hurt me yet. But what would happen if I gave in? What if I had the same fate as my mother?
I don't know. I don't know what to think, to feel, to believe or to do anymore. That is the reason my answer to his question is:
"I don't know."
It's barely a whisper, but I know he has heard me. "Tell me what you think Katniss. Tell me, let me help you."
His eyes are almost begging me to do it. I don't know if I should.
I mean, those are my most private thoughts, thoughts that have nothing to do with anyone apart from myself. At least I think so. I mean, they are about him, but does that mean they're his business? What would he think, what would he say if he knew?
I may be inexperienced, I may know next to nothing about this, but even I do know what this would sound like. What I don't know if it is what it sounds like. I can't really say no.
I realize just how right my mother was. How right my suspicion was. That's what his eyes do. They don't let me lie. Not to anyone. Not even to myself.
This realization hits me with full force. I don't know what exactly it means, but I do know that I can't just ignore it. How much am I lying to myself? So much that I don't know what is a lie and what is reality? Have I stopped pretending completely when I started talking to him again or am I still pretending? Is that the reason my mother is smiling when she sees us together? Because she knows what I'm thinking?
"I'm…confused." Is everything I manage to get out. His expression shows me that he doesn't really know what I'm talking about.
"About what Katniss? What is bothering you so much? I don't know what I can do anymore! Talk to me!"
He sounds desperate. He really doesn't know what to do. I don't know, either. I would never have guessed that being his friend again would be so complicated. Well, actually, it wasn't. There were month in which nothing happened, no wrong thoughts, no wrong words. Until I looked into his eyes.
And there's some voice, the one that only comes when I do, that says: Until you allowed yourself to think about not lying.
I, my conscious me, doesn't know what that is supposed to mean. The other me thinks of the last time I looked into his eyes. It was the day I apologized, the day we became friends again. I think about myself getting hurt by becoming his friend again. I denied it when he asked, I denied it to myself, because I didn't know how I would get hurt.
But now I think that maybe some part of me had foreseen this, this confusion and this feeling of being torn. Torn between my mind and…and that something that overtook me when...there is only one moment that comes to my mind now. When we kissed.
For the first time ever, I allow myself to remember this moment. Really remember. When my mind was telling me to run away and this other part was telling me to stay. Yes, in the end I listened to my mind. Yes, in the end I did run away. But there were also that few seconds that were kind of stolen, that were forbidden.
The seconds in which we kissed.
And…running away…did I really? At that moment, yes, sure, I did, but I did also come back, in some way, didn't I? I came back as his friend and we stood friends, didn't we? I missed him when we didn't talk to each other.
So…what would happen if I kissed him now? That thought should shock me, I'm not supposed to think something like that, but at the moment I allow myself to consider it. For a moment I let my gaze wander to his lips, those lips I haven't looked at since then. That was because I could never see them the same way again. Never again as just the spot where his words came out.
Then my eyes go back to his, that show confusion, that surely have followed my eyes, but not my thoughts. Peeta doesn't know what to say, what to make of this. Just for once.
And just for once, I feel myself wishing to kiss him, to find our what it would do to me. Just to get my questions answered. Just because my mind kind of hopes that I won't feel anything and that I could just think that and won't ever have doubts again.
I feel myself turning fully around now, so I'm facing him. He still doesn't know what to make of it and I'm as clueless, but my body is moving on its own accord, which makes the long forgotten book fall off my lap.
And that's when I hear it. The shocked voice saying: "Katniss?"
He,he, I know, that was evil. But...I couldn't. I was tempted, believe me. That was just Katniss being spontaneous. Kinda. But nothing happened, so everything's alright. Ok. ALMOST everything...
And I hope I answered the thing about the end of chapter 15...:D
Anyway, what do you think? REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!