A/N: Thank you SOOOO much Embracing-Immensity (No she didn't. But believe me, I never get tired of hearing that:)), DandelionOnFire (I know xD You'll find out soon enough and I'll help you kill...whoever that was;)), SaguineIncendium (It's kinda supposed to be that way;)), lucindamellark (*grin* Feel hugged:D), teampeeta4ever (Nope. That's why I said nothing happened:)), Takeiteasycharlie (Thank you:D I'm always glad to hear that, cuz I don't want them to be OOC:D), [Reviewer without a name], yeeeitscarmen (ha,ha:D You're SO right! But I couldn't;)), ohmygawdpeeta (No, she didn't:(), Amanda332czx (I'm sorry...I just needed to do that once-It was necessary to write every word for me and I'm sorry it got a bit boring...I'm glad you liked everything else:D), rosiekatira24 (Yeah...maybe;)), Kari (Just to have asked it...what would you do if it wasn't him?), KMloveya, AngelsandTributes123 (OMP? Ha,ha, I like that:D), BBree23 (thanks:) And here's your update:), Wordwielder (It's kinda supposed to be like that;D), Aloha-Pinkly (He,he, thanks:D I'm happy to hear that:D), Aria-dancingdolphins15 (It's pretty obvious, isn't it:D?), SilverLuna1997, HungerGamesLover1020 (take your gun out;)), Treehugger 11 (I love, like in LOVE Josh. He's really amazing, perfect. I do like Jennifer but...yeah, she's not perfect. She's sometimes just not fierce enough...And Liam...don't get me started. Sorry, but Gale is...NOT Liam:)), mspacman1(Don't worry, I am always glad to hear suggestions:D And I've thought about a beta, but I don't know who I could take...), nodaybut2day7 (NO! Your poor computer hasn't done anything;)), Bucsfan37 (read and find out:)), Purplicious Rose, GleamOfAiedail(thanks:) And about the other thing...that was when I didn't have my Microsoft to control that. Sorry, it's a mistake that happens...often.), girl0nfire (JA! Ich hab ENDLICH eins in Deutsch! Ha,ha, echt, Ich hab mich tierisch gefreut:D Oh gott, mein slang:P Egal, ich hab mal darüber nachgedacht es auf 'ner deutschen Seite zu posten, hab aber echt keinen Bock {und keine Zeit} alles zu übersetzen. Außerdem hast du total recht, die Sache mit den Leuten in der Arena nervt...deshalb hab ich irgendwann nicht mehr auf Deutsch gelesen. Und ich hab keinen Account dort...aber wenn du Spaß dran hast, kannst du's übersetzen und posten. Kannst mir 'ne PM schicken, falls du das machen würdest:D), Rowebot Hatchling(Wow...THANKS xD I'm sooooo happy about your review:D), kandykanes5150 (OMG THANK YOUxD), StayingAlive223 (Not at all! You don't need to be sorry, I'm SOOOOOO happy about your review! It really means a lot to me xD)
AAAAAAAAND Hibari! No. 300! Wohoo, I have 300 REVIEWS! HA! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! THANKS!
Just because the question came up, no, they did not kiss. I thought I made that clear...sorry for confusion:)
And poor Gale! He got quite a few death threats! I see how much every single one of you loves him...:D
Disclaimer: Surprise Surprise! I don't own the Hunger Games...
Chapter 18:
My eyes go wide in shock as I turn into the direction the voice was coming from. I don't need to seem him though. I've known him for too long. I know it just by hearing his voice.
Gale's voice.
One million thoughts run through my head. Mostly containing the guilt I'm feeling right now. Nothing happened, I didn't kiss Peeta, but I can imagine what this must have looked like though. I would like to scream out that it isn't what it looks like. But it is.
Maybe it's a good thing that Gale came. Maybe it's actually good that he interrupted me. I mean, if I had kissed Peeta it would have changed everything. I don't even know why my mind had those thoughts. I knew it was wrong, I knew what it would do. I knew I couldn't just kiss him to find out what I'm feeling. How could I even assume this would work? It would just have made everything complicated and Peeta would have ended up hurt again. And I don't want this.
"Katniss, would you explain this to me?" Gale spits the words out between gritted teeth. He has now overcome his shock and it is replaced by a mixture of anger and…betrayal? That's what it sounded like, at least.
But I also hear how he is keeping himself from shouting. I know that is going to happen soon enough though, because I can almost feel the daggers he's shooting at me and Peeta with his eyes.
"In privacy!" This time he glares only at Peeta. The phrase if looks could kill comes to my mind and I decide to answer quickly this time.
"Ok." I rise from where I was sitting, dangerously close to Peeta's lap, giving him a look that hopefully tells him not to follow and go over to Gale. His eyes are as cold as ice, grey like the snow that lies in district twelve in winter as they watch me coming closer. Grey because of the dust that covers everything.
Gale roughly grabs my wrist and even though I struggle to get free he won't let me. He's just too strong for me. He's also very fast, running. From our days out here I know that Peeta is fast, but not that fast. He hasn't run as much we have in his life. Every time he grabbed my hand to force me to run I outpaced him.
That means that, even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to follow us now. Not out here in the woods, not while Gale is upset like this. He drags me over to out meeting spot before he finally lets go. I have, however, no ability to get away. He has obstructed the only way with his body.
"Be a sport and TELL ME WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT!" Even though I was prepared for his anger I didn't expect him to shout like that. His rage is obvious, his teeth and hands are clenched and there's this expression on this face. I've only seen it once before. It was after I told him about the kiss.
"Gale…it's…." He cuts me off before I can say anything else. But then again, I don't really know what to say, so maybe it's better.
"Oh, guess what, just DON'T! You told me he was your friend again." Now I feel my shock fading and my mind and anger taking over.
"He is my friend!" I know he wanted to say more, but at the moment I really don't care. I can do it, too. Cut him off, I mean.
"Yeah, right." He retorts. His voice is dripping with sarcasm. "Because that looked so much like friendship!" He hisses the word friendship, as if he doesn't believe it. And, to admit it, I know how it must have looked to him. How it would have looked to anyone, really.
But at the moment it's not about reason or fairness inside my head. It's all about him and his tone, implying I have done nothing but to lie to him.
"Katniss, do you think I'm STUPID? Do you think I feel better when you lie to me?" He's losing it and I know it. I'm sure whatever I'll say now will earn me a sharp retort. But I can't hold it back.
"LIE? I did NOT lie to you! There is NOTHING GOING ON, OKAY?" At the end of the sentence I scream. I just can't stand being called a liar when I'm not. At least not at the moment.
"YEAH? OF COURSE, THAT'S WHY YOU WERE THROWING YOURSELF AT HIM!" Yes, he must have definitely lost it. Otherwise he would never say something like that.
I stare at him for a moment. I can't believe what I just heard, what he just said, even though, given the circumstances, he might have a reason to think like that. But no anger, no reason in the world justifies it in my eyes. It would, maybe, if this wasn't my best friend. He knows I'm not like that.
"GALE! YOU…I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL!" He gives me a look of…almost fury and says in a dangerously quiet voice:
"No. You weren't that kind of girl. Before your silly crush you were…" But I cut him off once again.
"HE'S NOT MY CRUSH! I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH!" I don't care if what happened, or more like, didn't happen was my fault. I don't have a crush because I can't have a crush and that's all there is to it. I'm not like those other girls.
At my words his face and he seem to relax just the slightest bit. I think it's because of what I said, but when he talks again I notice it is not the way I thought it was.
"YOU REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT?" Not waiting for my answer he continues. "I wanted to go out here today, you mother had told me where you are. I have the day off and I…just wanted to surprise you. And what do I FIND? Yes, I did find you. IN HIS ARMS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKED LIKE?"
Yes I know, but I don't really want to. Because it brings me back to what happened and to my thoughts, thoughts I shouldn't have had. Silence passes between us while we both are lost in thoughts. Well, I am. He may just be trying to catch his breath.
Just when I'm about to say something I see an expression cross his face. Years of hunting together gave me the ability to read his face like a book. He remembers something. And this something seems to make his anger fade a bit and be replaced by…something else. Sadness? What remembrance would bring up sadness? When he starts talking again, I know it is. Because I can hear it. And because I know the story.
"You know, I once talked to him. To Mellark." I'm stunned. Yes, I know he did, after all, I heard them talk, I saw them. But I didn't think he would bring this up. I didn't think he would tell me.
"I found him out here. On a clearing. I asked him what he was doing. It was strange. I couldn't hate him. I wasn't able to hate him." He locks our eyes, as if wanting me not to miss any word. And even though I already know the words, I don't want to miss one.
"He told me he thought my life was better than his. He told me that was because we had family love. And then he said I was even luckier. Because of you."
When I heard those things back then, they didn't make sense to me. Peeta didn't say that was the reason Gale was happier, but in the end it was clear that they were talking about me. That was what made me realize that I missed Peeta. That was what made me talk to him.
"And I told him he was wrong. That you missed him. He denied it, but he couldn't hide the hope I saw in his eyes when I said it. That made me realize my mistake. I shouldn't have told him. Because what I knew would happen, did happen. Just a few weeks later you told me you were talking again. That you were friends."
While he talks my brain takes in the information. And I remember that day again, it's as though I was behind that tree again, once again listening to their conversation. I remember how I thought Gale remembered what he actually wanted when he was acting cold again. But obviously, how I find out month later, it wasn't.
But…is he right? I talked to Peeta. Not the other way around. Then again…the outcome is the same. It really were Gale's words that pushed me back to Peeta. Even if it wasn't the way he thought.
Gale sighs. "He was wrong. He's the lucky one."
And with that he takes a few steps back before he runs, vanishing between the trees, leaving me stunned.
What was that? It seemed so…so unlike Gale. Usually, when he's upset, there's nothing to stop him. He would yell until he doesn't know what to say anymore he just stomps off angrily.
But today he didn't. Instead he told me about a day I never knew would be important to me again. Never influence me again. Never cross my mind again.
But my best friend has just proven me wrong. How come he remembered it in a fit of anger? How come he remembered it just when he was…
And then it hits me. Of course. The reason is obvious, even if only to people who know him as well as I do. And I think I know even better, because I would feel the same way.
Gale is blaming himself. For what happened and for…I don't know. Hurting himself with it? Kind of? That's exactly what I think I would do, except I haven't been in this situation before. But that's the only thing I can think of, the only thing that makes sense.
And what hurts me is that it isn't his fault. Not the way he thinks. Not at all. It's only my fault. My fault that he's hurt. My fault that he thinks it is his.
I realize I was wrong when I thought it were Gale's words that pushed me back. It weren't. It were Peeta's words, his tears. Tears I caused, tears I couldn't bear seeing. So in the end, it was all me.
I hate to think like that. I hate to know that I'm hurting people while doing things without thinking about them. By being impulsive. The only problem is that…I always end up hurting someone. Whether I use my brain or not, someone is going to end up hurt.
Because of me, me and me. I'm causing them pain. Not physically, no. Not yet anyway. But in another way, a way that stings in one's chest. The kind of sting I felt when I saw Peeta cry, the kind of thing I feel when I think about Gale being somewhere out there now, hunting his emotions away.
I don't know why they stick to me, why they don't realize they should turn away and let go. But then again, when I think about it, of course I do know.
They aren't me. They aren't the selfish man I am, they want me to be happy. Even if it means their suffering, they want me to be happy. It would hurt me if one of them left, if one of them wasn't in my life anymore. They can see it, they somehow seem to know it, so they always forgive me, always come back to me.
I want to scream now, scream that they should go away, should let go of me, should live their lives with someone that isn't constantly hurting them. That would make them more happy than I do.
There is just one thing standing in the way. It's the fact that I can't. I'm too selfish to let them go. I know I am. When I saw Peeta crying I came back to him, ignoring the fact that not doing anything would probably have been the best. For him, anyway. But no, I had to go get him back, just to make myself stop suffering, stop hurting. I am horrible.
When my father was still alive he used to say something. A phrase that seems fitting now. A fault confessed is half redressed. Ok, only half fitting. I confessed it to myself, but I have no idea how to 'redress' it. Because I know that running away from them isn't an option. Them meaning Peeta and Gale. No matter what I say they would always think it's their fault.
"KATNISS!" I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a voice shouting my name. The voice is followed by loud noises. Heavy steps. Peeta.
Quick now. I don't want him to find this place. It belongs to me and to Gale. Just us. And even though Gale already stood on the clearing, it still seems to belong to Peeta and me. And again, just us. I don't want Gale there again either.
The only question is: Where should I go now? To Peeta? Or away from him? What would it mean to run away from him? Again?
I don't have much time to decide, but my feet seem to know what they want to do. Once again my body takes over. And leads me in the direction of Peeta's voice.
"Katniss!" He exclaims when he sees me a few seconds later. He quickly rushes over to me and takes my hand. With his other hand he brushes a strand of hair from my face I hadn't realized was there.
I know that, after those thoughts I had a few minutes ago, I should shy away. But after my fight with Gale, I'm selfish enough not to. I don't want to upset Peeta, too. And even though I do feel guilty, although I'm not quite sure about what, I allow myself not to move.
"Are you ok?"
"Yes, of course." It's a lie, I know I'm not. Because of what Gale said. Because of what it left me thinking about.
But Peeta doesn't seem to notice, because he lets out a breath. Was he really that worried about me? He didn't think Gale would do something to me now, did he? Physically, I mean.
"You knew Gale wouldn't hurt me, didn't you?" I have to ask this question. The way I do it's clear that I'm talking about the physical kind of hurt. I don't expect Peeta to trust him, I wouldn't do that if I was him, either.
"No, of course not. I just…didn't want you to get hurt mentally. Not again. I know there's something bugging you, even if I don't know what it is. I thought that maybe it had something to do with Gale."
Something bugging me? I don't know what he means. Well, it's bugging me that I'm so selfish, I know how horrible I am. I wish I could change that, but I can't. That's just a fact.
"There's nothing. And even if, Gale wouldn't have anything to do with it." Peeta gives me a confused look.
"But it seemed as though there was…before, you know? When we were drawing. No, not really. Just before Gale came."
That's right. I remember. This torn feeling, this unawareness of what I was doing and thinking, that turmoil inside me. But I haven't told him and I haven't told him for a reason. Because, although I don't know if he does know what I was going to do before Gale came, telling him would probably destroy everything. And I simply don't want to loose him again.
"I was. But…it doesn't matter anymore." I tell him. It's a lie and I know it. I don't know if he does, but I assume it when he says:
"Katniss, you know you can talk to me, right?" I look at him, surprised. Does he think I don't trust him?
I am stunned by this question I just asked myself. Do I trust him? This shouldn't be something to think about, not after one year knowing each other, but somehow I have never thought about that before.
I search my mind for an answer, but that's not where I find it. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. It seems stupid, after all I'm out here with him. In those woods, the place I go when I want to feel free and save. He gave me the bread to help me survive. And, most importantly, when I thought he thinks I don't trust him I felt a strange thing. Almost like…contempt? Not really, but that's the closest word I know to describe it.
But it felt wrong, I knew I do trust him. To some point, at least, and that's enough.
"Yeah, I know." Is my answer. But, in this case, it's better not to tell him.
I simply can't tell him that I was about to kiss him. It would only make me even worse than I already am. Because that may get his hopes up. His hopes for more than friendship. Hopes I can't make come true.
Neither for him nor for anyone. So it's better he doesn't even know. Maybe he doesn't even have a suspicion.
I cling to that hope. And for a few more weeks, he actually lets me cling to it. He doesn't bring it up again. I think he has forgotten. I almost have forgotten.
But then fate reminds me that the odds are not in my favor when it comes to hope.
Ok...WHO HAS SEEN THE NEW TRAILER? Oh god, it's so amazing!
And now: What do you think about that chapter? I think you should tell me:) And how do you do that?
REVIEW!