A/N: A BIG thank you to Kiss Peeta (GAH! I'M SORRY! I didn't see your review for chapter 18 before I updated! So a double thanks for you:)), Embracing-Immensity (Oh yes, I do. I could have killed her after I made her run away...;)), DandelionOnFire (I was never planning on doing that:D), mau4hits (Really? Would you mind telling me what songs or pictures?), Kari (Ha,ha, I know. BUT it had to be there, you understand that, don't you? :D), BBree23 (He's Gale;)), Takeiteasycharlie (Yes, me too. Their friendship is amazing:)), ohmygawdpeeta (Even though I don't believe my story is perfect, thank you so much!), HappyBlossom (I do, too. Poor Gale:)), Aria dancingdolphins15, [Reviewer without a name] (Yeah...I know. She will, but just not yet. It wouldn't be good if she did:)), RowebotRowe (History of the story? He,he, that's what I call a good excuse:D And thank you!), AngelsandTributes123 (You really love Gale, don't you;D?), InLoveWithPeeta (He,he I'm proud I got the longest review you're ever gotten), kandykanes5150, mspacman1 (Wow, thanks for 6 reviews:D), CelinaLG (WOW! THANK YOU! And you want to learn Latin? Till you do, believe me, it's really hard:D), Gamnut7 (Oh my god! I'm sorry I made you cry:D But THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm so happy about your review!), Tree Hugger 11 (Yeah, it does:D), lucindamellark, nodaybut2day7 (Yes, poor Gale:)), StayingAlive223 (OMG! THANK YOU! I was so oberwhelmed when I read your review! THANKS!), jessbrown (Thanks for saying that! It means so much to me!), InLoveWithAFictionalCharacter 7 (I know xD They're way too long:D And I have read your parody...I thought I left a review? Well obviously not, sorry for that:D I'm going to do that right after this chapter is up:)) and iheartpeeta (he,he thanks:))
Disclaimer: Ok, I think everyone knows it by now. I do not own the Hunger Games.
Chapter 20:
"…And then you give it the final stroke." He guides my hand to make one last, black stroke as a shadow behind a petal.
"There you have it! Who said you can't draw?"
I stare in awe at the picture in front of me. It really does look perfect. It's a different flower this time, a purple coneflower. In the book had already been one, but it was so pale that we could barely make it or what to use it for out. So Peeta got me to draw a new one and rewrite everything.
I have to admit it was easier this time, since there was already a picture where I could see it drawn. Still, I needed Peeta to help me because, whatever he may say, I cannot draw.
We haven't been able to work on the book much lately, since it's almost winder now and most of the flowers and herbs don't grow anymore. And, of course, there was also our average life getting in the way.
Not much has changed for me, except that I have more time for hunting, now that I don't have to waste this time sitting on a chair in our gray classroom, staring out of the window. Actually it's much better this way, especially since, because it's colder now, there are less animals and it gets harder to hunt.
And I need to hunt and feed my family, though they are pretty successful with their little healing-arrangement. Even if it's not nearly enough to feed us, together with the money I earn from hunting and Prim from milking her goat, we manage to get by. Well, scrape by, actually. But…maybe, when spring comes, it will get better again.
The real reason I don't see Peeta so much anymore is he and his work. Now that he's out of school his mother demands he works more than before. Especially after his second brother moved out and is now working not only in the bakery but in another store, too. So Peeta has to fill that space and can't get a day of once a week, like he did before. Today is an exception because his brother took his shift.
"I owed me for all the shifts I took to cover him when he went out with one of his girlfriends." Peeta had told me that after he surprisingly showed up at my door today.
"I do." That's my answer to his earlier question. "Come on Peeta, you drew the flower. I only…" He cuts me off.
"You helped me. Otherwise it wouldn't look as beautiful as it does." He insists.
I shake my head at his stubbornness, but inside I'm smiling. I like the way it is with Peeta now, without complications. He hasn't mentioned anything about our last day in the woods again and neither have I. We stay clear of those kind of things.
Although I have to admit that we didn't really have many opportunities to talk at all. After all, we only saw each other when I came to trade in the bakery and we only exchanged a few words, never really talked.
It's not like we did today either. We continued working on the book. It was different though, because we actually spent time together. Well, we still do. The only real conversation we had today was about the question if we should go in the woods or not. In the end we both agreed that it was too cold outside and that spending as little amount of time as possible in this cold was the best.
That made us end up in the bedroom of my small house, because it is the quietest here and we needed to concentrate on the drawing.
I turn around so I can face him. "No I didn't. Peeta, you need to realize that, no matter how hard you try, I will never be able to draw a flower."
He looks down at me with those blue eyes staring right into my gray ones and says: "You know that's not true. You just proved yourself wrong."
And he smiles, one of his breathtaking smiles that make my heart beat faster. One of those smiles that could convince me of everything.
"If you turned around now you would see a perfect flower. Stop underestimating yourself Katniss."
Before I say something stupid I pry my eyes away from his and tell him: "You did all of the work. I'm not underestimating myself. There are just things I can't do. Quite a few things, actually."
From the tone in his voice, I can tell he's still amused.
"Oh please. Give me an example. Apart from drawing, since you're apparently so bad at it."
I scowl. He's making fun of me and we both know it. I hate being made fun of, so I decide not to answer his question. At least not in the way he wants me to.
"Actually I think it would be easier to tell you the things I can do. Well, the thing. I'm only good at hunting." It's a statement, a true one.
Suddenly he grips my shoulders and forces me to look at him again. "Don't. Don't do this. Don't say this. That's not true."
I'm about to contradict, but he holds up a hand to stop my from doing so. And oddly enough, I actually do.
"You are good at raising Prim. You've practically been her mother since she was seven. And look at her now. She's a polite, nice, sweet, caring girl. Almost a young woman now. What do you think whose doing that is? What do you think to whom she's always looked up?"
Without waiting for my answer, he continues. "You Katniss. She's always looked up to you, you and you. And she's become nearly as strong as you are. In a different way, maybe, but believe me, she has. That's another thing you're good at. Being strong. I've never before met someone as strong as you.
You're also good at surviving. Only a few people would have managed to pull off what you did…and still do.
Your knowledge. It's amazing how much you know about plants, about herbs, about flowers. You know every single name. You know what they are for."
I cut him off. "Yeah, but none of those are talents like your talent with frosting and drawing. I don't have that kind of talent."
Even though I say that, I'm stunned. I hadn't thought he could come up with so many things. How he says that, it sounds as though he had done nothing but searched good things about me. And…with his choice of words they even seem to be true. And that when I'm actually not a good person. When I have no real talents besides archery.
But with what he says next he surprises me even more. Especially because he says it with this…faraway expression on his face. I wonder where that comes from.
"Even that's not true. You have a talent that is far better than my drawing skills. You can sing, Katniss."
For a moment all I can do is stare at him. Sing? How can I sing? How would he know? I haven't sung in…ages. Since the last time Prim was sick and got me to sing for her. But…I haven't sung in front of anyone else. Ever.
Well, if you don't count my father. But…that was in another life. That was when music played a role in my life. That was when I lived in a bubble of the illusion that my father would always be there to protect me from every harm. That was out in the woods. The last time I sung with my heart.
So…how could Peeta possibly know about that? Is he confusing me with my father?
"I…I don't know what you're talking about. How…you…there's no chance you've ever…" I trail off. It sounds so…strange. Those words.
"I did." He says quietly. "Believe me, you have a beautiful voice."
For some reason I'm blushing. It's so…so foreign to hear that. Especially since it seems so impossible that he's ever heard my voice. My singing voice.
"When did you…How come you know what my voice sounds like?" I ask. I can't stop myself. What else does this boy know about me? And more importantly, what do I not know about him?
"I heard you sing once. It's so long ago, I don't think you remember." His answer sounds evasive. Not straight to the point. Does he not want to tell me? And if that was the answer, why wouldn't he?
I remember his words from a few weeks ago. They are the perfect words to get him to answer me now.
"You know you can talk to me, right?" I ask.
He looks at me with a small smile. But there's also something else in his gaze. Doubt?
"Yeah, I know." He repeats my answer. But he doesn't drop it with that.
"But I also know that when I asked you the same question you didn't answer me. I also know you don't want to know when I heard you sing…or…more like…you won't like the reason I remember."
I barely get his last words. My mind stopped listening when he said that he knows about my…Can I call it a lie? Not really, I didn't lie…at least I think so. But…he knew I didn't tell him the truth. In fact, I told him nothing. But if he discovered that…does it mean he knows everything else, too?
"Unfortunately, you still haven't talked to me. About this…day. About your confusion. You're a bad liar Katniss, I saw that your were still confused. In your eyes."
Why does everyone keep saying that I can't lie? I think that fact would probably upset me, if it weren't for his other words. I don't know what to say. Or think, for that matter.
Should I tell him? Should I…actually tell him? Would it hurt if I told him something? Not the whole story, and certainly not that I almost kissed him, but…would it be better this way? Without lies?
I take a deep breath, trying to get myself to calm down a bit. So that I won't stutter and maybe, for once, find the right words. However unlikely that may be.
"You're right." I figured that would be the best start. Maybe I won't have to reveal too much this way. Hopefully.
"I…I am confused. You…you remember how you asked me about this thing with the eyes?"
He nods. "Of course. That's how it started, isn't it?"
"I guess. I mean…it's strange, you know? It…I don't know how to explain it."
Actually, I do know. Well, I know more than I say. But I noticed what it sounds like before the words go out. What would he think if I told him that locking eyes with him made me think things I shouldn't think? Saying things I shouldn't? And normally wouldn't. How can I tell him he and those…those strange feelings confuse me?
I can't. But…I can't not, either. It's so difficult. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do in those situations. I never bothered learning anything about it. Which now, in the aftermath, seems to have been a mistake.
"Ok, you know what, try to describe it a bit. How about I ask you one question and you give me a honest answer? And then so on."
I think about it. This way it wouldn't be so hard, this way I would maybe know what to say, not stumble over any words. Yes, that could work. So I nod.
He locks our eyes once again and gives me a reassuring smile.
"You said it started with my eyes. So…what do you think right now?"
Where is he going with this? No, Katniss, don't question his intentions. You need a good answer. A honest answer. What do you think?
So I concentrate and let my thoughts wander wherever they may bring me. I'm aware there's a risk, although I'm not sure what exactly that risk is. What is the worst thing that could happen now?
Then I realize that is possibly the answer.
"I…I wonder what was at risk if I gave you honest answers." It sounds stupid, even to me, but it is the current answer.
He smiles again. "Nothing will happen. I don't bite. Don't worry. What else do you think?"
Come on Katniss, it can't be that hard. That's what I tell myself at least.
Just then one of the sun's rays happens to beam through the window in a different angle than before. It falls directly on his eyes, showing me how long his blond eyelashes, that are usually barely seeable, which is probably the reason I haven't noticed them before, are. They have this shade now that makes them seem golden.
"Your eyelashes." I whisper, before I can stop myself. I blush, hoping he hasn't heard it. But I know my luck.
He is stunned. "What about them?" The way he asks tells me that this isn't the question-answer kind I agreed to. Therefore I decide not to answer. I don't want to. I don't want those embarrassing answers I would have to give if I did.
He shakes his head. "Sorry. I…I think we need to change this…thing. This way…won't bring us anywhere. So…lets pretend we're back out in the woods. Back on that day. You hear the voices of the birds again. You hear how they sing. You feel the breeze that is blowing around you. Your feet are on the steady, in leaves covered ground and you look at me. Pretend that's the way things are. What did you think then?"
While he talks it's as though it's mesmerizing me. He is, once again, drawing a picture with his words. A picture that shows the past. That makes me remember. It's like that real drawing back on the clearing, the one showing the starts that covered the sky at night.
Only this time it's a different place, different circumstances.
"I remember uncertainty." I tell him. "I remember how I didn't know what could happen in the future. I remember…" I bite my lip.
I remember how I thought about my reservations, how I didn't know if they where the right thing to think. But I can't say that. That would lead to the question what reservations this are and that would lead to me having to admit that I…what I…really thought.
He gently touches my cheek with his index finger. For some reason this simple gesture makes me almost blush again. His hand feels so warm and nice and I know it shouldn't. "You remember...?", he urges me to go on.
"I…I don't know how to tell you. I…"
I take a deep breath again, trying to find the words I need to explain. Trying to push away this feeling from before.
"I'm not sure how to tell you. There are…things I always thought. And…I saw them in that way. But then…then you told me…some…no, you told me how you see your life. And…it was so different from my view. But that's not everything. You…sometimes, when I look into your eyes, I think different about things, too. And I don't know why. I can't explain it."
His eyes show confusion at my words, but there's also something else. Something I don't have a name for at the moment.
"What was this? Describe it."
If only I could Peeta. But... "I can't."
"That's not true." He tells me in a steady, convinced voice. It's a statement.
"Yes it is! Why would I lie?"
He smiles sadly. "I don't know. All I know is that…you may be confused, but you know more than you admit. Why not Katniss? What are those…whatever it is, what is this you can't admit? Is it something against me?"
That's what he thought? That I wouldn't answer because he did something? Something to upset me?
"NO!" It comes out louder than I wanted it to. "I mean, it's not you. It's...me."
He clearly isn't convinced. "But what about you? You said it isn't about me, but then...why is it so hard for you to tell me?" His gaze is…almost challenging.
"Just…because." I know it is a lame excuse, but I can't come up with something else. Because I can't answer. I doubt I'd even be able to answer.
He rolls his eyes. "You do know that this isn't a really convincing argument. Katniss, I'm not stupid. I don't know what it is, really, but I know there was a reason Gale was so upset when he saw us. And I also know it wasn't only because of the woods. I saw how shaken you were after you talked to him.
I thought I could just wait and maybe you'd tell me without me having to do anything but you…you didn't. You distanced yourself again, a bit. It may have been unconsciously, but you did.
What were you thinking, no wait…" He looks as though he remembers something and his eyes widen.
"Doing. You…you were going to do something when he came, weren't you? I…what…?
I need him to shut up. Right now. I can't listen anymore. I can't hear the words, the questions anymore. Can't bear what they're doing to me. That they're making the everthing come up again. The last seconds before we got interrupted. But I also can't answer. Not with words, at least. I'm not Peeta. I'm not good with words. I don't know what to say. There are no words. So I do the only other thing that comes to my mind.
Ok...so...what is Katniss' favorite way to shut Peeta up, huh? Don't hesitate to tell me your guess:D
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