"Homonculove" by Mereo Flere
Chapter 2
XXX
As it turned out, using paint guns wasn't the brightest of ideas. It was certainly interesting, and nobody could deny the fun of just letting loose on a defenseless wall, but… in the end, it was easy to see why painters didn't do things this way.
"To begin with," Sella said, shaking her head as she looked at the questionable work of her masters. "Couldn't you have at least checked that it was all the same color?"
It was bad enough that the paint wasn't smooth, or the fact that there was still quite a bit of paint dripping from the ceiling onto the carpet; anywhere she looked you would see a random mashup of colors – as though someone had stuck a rainbow in a shredder and then threw it everywhere.
"Of course I did!" Irisviel said with a pout, crossing her arms. "I made sure that all of mine were blue."
"Irisviel-sama, your husband's paint was red. And Leysritt's were neon green."
"Well of course," Irisviel said, smiling. "Is there a better way to keep track of what everybody had done? How else would we keep track of points?"
"…points?"
"Yes, points. You know, to see who won."
"Irisviel-sama…"
"Yes, Sella?"
"Nothing," Sella said, shaking her head. After all, it wasn't a maid's place to question her masters' methods… or her sanity. She simply had to follow her lead and, if necessary, correct anything they had overlooked on their own. For now, going along with Irisviel's flow was the easiest way to get through this. "So," Sella began, looking at the haphazard job. "Have you determined the winner yet?"
"Ah, about that," Irisviel said sheepishly, a small blush on her face. "It seems we never actually set about making any rules."
"…"
"So, I guess this means I'm the winner by default!"
"Mama, you always do that!" Ilyasviel said with a pout.
"Do what?" Irisviel asked, tilting her head. "Win? Of course! That's what mamas do!"
XXX
Due to a mess caused earlier in the day the kids had to take a bath to wash away the paint. Not together of course; that wouldn't have been proper, after all. Naturally, Ilya went first with Sella, to make sure that the paint wouldn't ruin her hair. Eventually the two of them came out, leaving the bathroom open for Shirou.
He didn't immediately go in of course. It still felt a little bit like he was a guest in the house, and just using someone else's bathroom felt weird. However, the paint had become mostly dry, and it was starting to get uncomfortable, so he knew he would have to go in soon.
Seeing his hesitation, Leysritt patted the boy on the head. "Would you like me to wash you like Sella washed Ilya?"
"Ah? No, no!" Shirou immediately denied, blushing at the thought. "I'm old enough to wash myself, really!"
"Then you better go on then," she said, pushing him forward. "Otherwise I might have to follow you." With that, his hesitation was gone… in fact he seemed to be in a hurry to close the door behind him.
"Hm," Leysritt said with a slight smile on her face. "It seems that Kohaku-san was right." The more pure something was, the more tempting it was to try to corrupt them. Not that she would ever do such a thing herself, of course. She certainly would not do this or that, and absolutely not both at the same time.
A hand chopped her on the head lightly, drawing her attention. "You shouldn't even be thinking about such things," Sella said with a huff, as if she had somehow managed to read Leysritt's mind. But that was impossible, of course.
"You don't even know what I was thinking of," Leysritt said with a straight face.
"You mentioned Kohaku-san," Sella said, narrowing her eyes. "There's never been a time when that eastern style maid has been a good influence on anybody."
"…perhaps," Leysritt admitted. "But if it makes you feel better, I was specifically thinking about not doing those things."
"So you were thinking about them after all…"
"Ah," Leysritt said, blinking as she realized her error. "I misspoke. I was thinking about how I would not think about those things."
"I don't even know how that's supposed to work!"
"To be honest, I never understood it either," Leysritt admitted. "The stuff in Kohaku-san's books always seemed to lack a basis in reality."
"…"
"…ah, wait. You mean about how I was thinking about how not to think about stuff, weren't you."
"…"
"Well," Leysritt said, trying to pat Sella's head – though the other maid slapped it away. "Just don't think about it."
Sella sighed. She should have been used to Leysritt's so called though processes by now… but then again, she still hadn't adjusted to Irisviel's either. She wondered if such a time would ever come. "Anyway," Sella said, crossing her arms. "Try to avoid teaching the new master anything strange."
"What do you mean, strange?"
"…don't let him become an otaku like you, is what I mean," Sella said bluntly.
Leysritt stared at Sella. To be honest, liking things like anime and manga didn't seem that strange to her. Still, she wasn't the type of person who would try to force her tastes on the boy. "Very well," Leysritt said, nodding. "I won't teach him anything about having good taste."
Sella raised a brow at the other maid's wording, but accepted it. It was the best that she was going to get, after all. "Also," she said, "Don't to tease him too much. You call yourself an Einzbern maid, don't you?"
"No, I call myself Leysritt."
"…Leysritt."
"See," Leysritt said with a congratulatory thumbs up. "You got it down already. Good job."
"This is serious."
Leysritt blinked. Sella was always serious when she said things were serious. "As you wish, Sella. I shall do my best to perform my duties as a maid towards Shirou."
"Good," Sella said with a nod. "Now, if you excuse me, I think I'll check on how Kiritsugu-sama and Irisviel-sama are doing."
Leysritt watched Sella walk down the hall, before turning to the bathroom door. She had promised to take her duties as a maid seriously after all – and what kind of maid didn't wash her master's back? Reaching for the handle, she tried to turn it, unsurprisingly finding it locked.
But that was okay. After all, she had a key.
"Eh? Leysritt? What are you doing in here?"
"Sella told me to do this."
"Eh?"
XXX
Sella did her best to ignore the young boy's cries for help (or, perhaps more accurately, cries for no help), deciding to turn her attention to the boy's parents, who had finally managed to get their act together and prepare Shirou's room like responsible adults. There hadn't been much progress of course, since the first thing they needed to do was clean up the mess their acts as irresponsible adults had caused.
As the head maid (of two), she felt obligated to help them get rid of the paint they had splattered all over the room. However, her masters had insisted on doing it themselves; Kiritsugu had acquired a talent for cleaning or, as he sometimes put it, leaving no evidence behind that he was ever there. Irisviel, on the other hand, probably slowed him down a little – but Sella hoped that her master would learn how difficult such a job actually was.
…considering how much fun Irisviel took in some of the more mundane aspects of normal life, however, that wasn't likely.
"Ne, Kiri~" Irisviel asked as she tugged on her husband's arm.
"What is it, Iri?" Kiritsugu asked, turning towards her with a warm smile.
"How did you get that wall so clean again?" Iri asked, as she pointed to said wall. "It's practically sparkling!"
"It's actually quite simple. Here, let me show you."
"Wah~ How wonderful!"
It was a little annoying, to be honest. Sella was almost tempted to interrupt them – but decided against it. There was nothing wrong with being cheerful, and it was all the better if her masters were happy. Still, she did the important thing and made sure to take out all of the paint weaponry out of the room while they weren't paying attention to her - just in case they decided to try using the paint guns one more time. She couldn't just leave them lying around, though, and made sure to carefully organize them in the one place she knew they belonged: the trash bin.
Then, with that done, she decided that she really delay finding out what her fellow maid had done to Shirou. There hadn't been any more shouts after that first one, so she assumed that everything was okay. So, with just a hint of trepidation she walked to the bathroom.
Surprisingly, Leysritt had managed to remember to lock the door. This, however, was cancelled out by the fact that she had forgotten to close it fully – so with just a little push it opened wide, revealing the occupants inside.
"Leysritt… what are you doing?" Sella asked, as she palmed her face.
"Making sure my new master doesn't drown," Leysritt said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Then, just in case Sella didn't get it, she gestured down to herself – sitting in the bath with all of her clothes on, with Shirou in her lap keeping his eyes covered. It was hard to tell if he was doing that to avoid looking at either of them, or to hide his embarrassment.
Whichever one it was, however, he failed at it. "S-Sella, why're you here too?" he said, looking at the door when he heard someone enter, face flushed with the color red.
"I'm here because I was worried about you," Sella said, rubbing her temples. "And, it appears I was right to be."
"See," Leysritt said, smiling down at Shirou. "Sella agrees with me. It's not safe to let you bathe by yourself."
"No. I don't think she's agreeing with you at all," Shirou said, though his straight man routine was hampered by how unusually high pitched his voice was.
"Oh?" Leysritt said, tilting her head. Then, after seeing that Shirou wouldn't elaborate, she looked to Sella for help. "You aren't agreeing with me, Sella?"
"No, no I'm not. To begin with, do you remember that little talk we had a few minutes ago?"
Leysritt blinked. "You mean about not teaching him what good taste is?" she recalled out loud.
"After that," Sella said with a frown.
"Ah… you mean how I shouldn't tease him too much."
Sella nodded. "Yes."
"Don't worry," Leysritt said with a warm smile. "I made sure I wore my uniform so he wouldn't be teased at all, Sella."
The other maid rolled her eyes. "Leysritt… you forgot a couple of things."
"Oh?" Leysritt asked. She forgot things all the time – so it was good if she only forgot a couple. Then again, it was clear from Sella's voice that apparently those two things were very important.
"One," Sella said, as she held up a finger. "Our uniforms are white. Two," she continued, raising a second finger to join her first. "You're completely drenched."
Leysritt blinked. "Sella… I didn't forget either of those things."
"…" This time, Sella really did palm her face. "Leysritt… look down at yourself for a moment."
Leysritt obeyed – and immediately realized the error she had made today. "Ah," she said with a small gasp. "I forgot to wear a bra today."
"Yes. Yes you did."
"Sorry. It's just that I forgot because Sella doesn't usually need one herself."
"Leysritt? Out. Now."
"Ah, of course," Leysritt said, standing up from the bath, letting Shirou slide off of her legs. Then she stepped out, ignoring the fact that she was dripping everywhere. Just past the door, however, she turned back to look at the two. "Are you going to take my place, Sella?"
"No. I'm sure Shirou's old enough to take a bath by himself. He won't need anybody to accompany him in here now or in the future."
"Oh," Leysritt said, staring at Sella. Then, after a moment, she looked back at Shirou – who was quick to cover up his legs for some strange reason. "In that case, do be careful, Shirou."
"I-I will," the boy said.
And, satisfied by that, Leysritt left the area – leaving only the head maid and the young master alone. Sella herself soon followed – but just as she closed the door fully she heard Shirou call out to her.
"S-Sella?"
"Yes, Shirou-sama?" Sella asked, wondering what he could possibly want.
"Thank you."
Sella paused for a moment, before allowing herself a smile. The boy had manners, at least. Still - "There is no need for thanks," she told him through the door. "It's the duty of a maid to protect her master from anything – even another maid."
Especially if it's another maid.
XXX
The room was already starting to look respectable the second time Sella came around – though it seemed that Irisviel was curious where all of their previous equipment had gone. Since the question hadn't been directed specifically at Sella, though, she felt no need to answer that particular curiousity.
The walls and ceiling were miraculously clean, and even the floor seemed to have undergone a transformation. Already, a layer of primer was drying on the room, cleanly applied to everything it was meant to and, more importantly, nothing like the carpet or the people inside. How they had managed to do this in such a short amount of time was a mystery to Sella, to be plainly honest.
After that, it was time to see to Ilya. In the past, Sella would've helped Ilya put her clothes on, though recently the young girl had insisted on putting it on herself. On one hand, it was taking away one of the important duties of a maid from Sella – but then again she didn't want to smother the girl. Besides, learning how to dress one's self was an important lesson for any person.
Being a little girl, however, Ilya's chosen outfits tended to be rather… odd at times. Like many children her age, she mixed and match garments with no regard to how it actually looked all together, instead choosing what to wear based on how "cool" or "cute" each individual article was. This had led to one occasion where Ilya had put on three different skirts – somehow managing to avoid wearing any of them around her waist like she was supposed to. It didn't help that Irisviel encouraged that behavior by coming in wearing four skirts.
Still, such a disaster was rare, and Ilya had seemed to have better senses on what went well together now – but that was only natural after all. For all the silliness Irisviel tended to show, there were few that could match her tastes in fashion. After playing around with Ilya that day, Irisviel had given her daughter some tips on how to dress up.
For example:
"You shouldn't put so much stuff on, Ilya-chan," Irisviel had said that day. "More isn't necessarily better, right?"
"Yes," Leysritt had chimed in, agreeing with a nod. "In fact, more can be worse in a lot of ways. If you have too much it'll start to get heavy and your back will start to hurt."
It was good advice, though Sella couldn't help but feel a little irritated hearing it. Then again, she had mixed feelings about that whole ordeal.
"Ah, so I should become more like Sella, Mama?"
There had been a lot of mixed feelings, actually.
This particular day, however, whatever Ilya chose to wear would be the least of Sella's worries – or so Sella thought. A sense of dread filled her when she reached Ilya's door, though; it was the distinct feeling that she had forgotten something very important. It was as though something that should have been somewhere simply hadn't been where it was supposed to be. What that something or where that somewhere was, however, were a mystery.
At least they were, until Sella opened the door.
"Ne, ne, Sella," Ilya said cheerfully as the maid entered her room. "I'm just like Onii-chan!"
She wasn't, of course. Girls couldn't just suddenly turn into their older brothers, after all. She was simply wearing his clothes – or, rather, just his shirt, since his pants were lying in a crumpled pile around the girl's feet. Even that shirt didn't fit particularly well on her, since it was meant for a boy quite a bit bigger than her size. None of that seemed to bother Ilya, however, who waved proudly at the maid, sending the long blue sleeve of the shirt flapping around.
Sella sighed. "Ilya-sama," she said, walking over to the girl. "Just where did you get those clothes?"
"Ah," Ilya said, looking up at her, still grinning. "Leysritt threw them out of the bathroom when she went in to see Onii-chan."
"So she did…" Sella frowned. Really, Leysritt seemed to be spectacularly careless today. "In any case, you should take that off."
"Eh?" Ilya's eyes went wide. "But then I won't be Onii-chan anymore!"
…somehow, she had progressed to being like Shirou to actually being him. Still, it was clear that having an older brother had made a big impression on the girl – how troublesome. "Yes, but that shirt is dirty – that's why he had to take it off in the first place."
"But – but, Onii-chan!"
Sella hung her head slightly, wondering what she should do. She couldn't have Ilya running around in Shirou's shirt – especially not one that was covered in paint like that. Dry or not it was dirty and, more importantly, it was far too loose on her. However, she didn't just want to force it off the girl; such a brutish method was ill suited for raising a child.
Ah. Then how about…?
"You know," Sella said, kneeling down so their eyes were level with each other. "If you're 'Onii-chan', then that means Shirou-sama can't be your onii-chan, Ilya-sama."
Ilya blinked, and Sella could practically hear the pieces falling into place in Ilya's mind. "Eh? But then…"
"Then you won't have an onii-chan anymore."
"No," Ilya said, rushing to take the shirt off – before dramatically throwing it to the ground. "I don't want that!"
"That's a good girl," Sella said, patting the girl on the head.
"So, does this mean that Onii-chan is still Onii-chan?" Ilya asked, a note of fear in her voice.
"Yes, of course," Sella said.
"That's good," Ilya said with a sigh of relief. Then, after a moment, "Ah – but… if Onii-chan's shirt is dirty, then what will he be wearing?"
Sella blinked. She hadn't actually thought of that; they couldn't just have the boy standing around in a towel until his clothes were clean. It wasn't like anybody else in this house had clothes that would fit the boy. "W-well," Sella said. "I'm sure we'll figure something out."
XXX
Someone did figure something out. It just happened to be the last person Sella wanted it to be.
"Sella, do not worry," Leysritt said, giving her a thumbs up. "Shirou's nudity is not a problem."
Did she really have to phrase it that way?
After getting Ilya dressed, Sella went to check on the other maid to make sure that Leysritt had at least properly dried herself. However, Leysritt hadn't managed to simply change out of her wet uniform into a dry shirt and pants; she had also seemed to have some clothes for Shirou as well. Of course, as strange as it was for Leysritt to own that kind of clothing to begin with, it was even stranger how it seemed to be around Shirou's sizes.
To be honest, Sella wasn't sure what to ask about first. However, she couldn't just stand there in shock, staring at the uniform that Leysritt had laid flat on top of her bed forever.
"Okay," Sella said, after taking a deep breath to mentally ready herself for whatever Leysritt had to say. Whatever it was, it was sure to be… interesting. "Can you exactly tell me why you have butler uniform?"
Leysritt tilted her head, as though Sella was missing something obvious. "I have them because Shirou needed clothes. He does need them, right?" she asked – just in case that was she had been wrong about that.
"Of course he does," Sella said with a scowl. "Why wouldn't he need them?"
"Well," Leysritt replied, looking down as she tugged at her collar. "They can get pretty uncomfortable at times. It is just a little bothersome, especially if I am just going to stay inside the house."
"Because, there are still men in the house," Sella said, crossing her arms. "Kiritsugu-sama is here after all… and now Shirou as well."
"Okay," Leysritt said, looking unconvinced.
Sella sighed. "Anyway – where did you even get these clothes?"
"I made them using magic," Leysritt said, blinking. "Is that a problem?"
"…oh," Sella said, blinking. "Well, no, not really, but…"
That was right. The maid in front of her had an affinity with clothing – though she usually used it to make ridiculous things like costumes of characters in those animation shows she watched. Though generally everyone in the family avoided using magic in front of Ilya (and, presumably Shirou now as well), this was an emergency.
Still… if Leysritt was making clothes for Shirou, did it really have to be these?
"Leysritt," Sella said, eyeing the clothes one more time. "I thought I told you that Shirou wasn't going to do your maid work for you."
"I know."
"He's also not going to be a butler."
"I know that as well."
"You know that, as our masters' son, he is our master as well, right?"
"Of course."
"So… is there any particular reason why you're having him dress up as a servant like us?"
Leysritt thought about that question for a moment, glancing back to the uniform she had set out for him. Certainly, there had been plenty of options available for her. She could have made a school uniform, like the white gakuran she saw student council presidents wearing in shows. There were the classic pilot uniforms of mecha anime as well. Then there were fantasy motifs she could have followed as well.
Ultimately, though, there was only one reason to explain her choice.
"It's moe."
"…moe."
"Yes, moe," Leysritt repeated, acknowledging Sella's proper pronunciation of the concept with a nod of her head. "It's the emotion induced by cute girls doing cute things, like wearing cute clothes."
"There's only one problem with that," Sella deadpanned.
"Oh?"
"Shirou-sama is a boy."
"Ah." Leysritt nodded. She could see why Sella would think that was a problem. "Do not worry," Leysritt said, a reassuring smile on her face. "Little boys are not that different from little girls."
Sella raised a brow. "How exactly do you figure something like that?"
Leysritt blinked, before turning her eyes downward. Then, with placing her hand on her chest, she looked back up at Sella. "Neither of them have these," she said, with a pat of her breast.
"…"
"Come to think of it," Leysritt added, her eyes lingering over Sella. "Sella, you are very moe yourself."
"Somehow," Sella said with a sigh. "I feel like I really shouldn't take that as a compliment."
Whatever. The important thing was that Shirou had clothes to wear now – even if a butler uniform wasn't her first choice to put the young master in. That said, she couldn't quite shake the feeling that there was something still… off.
"Where's his underwear?" she asked, glancing over the clothing one more time.
"Oh, that. They're right there," Leysritt said, pointing to another part of the bed.
"Leysritt… there's only a pair of striped panties over there."
"Yes. Those are moe as well."
XXX
It took only a moment for Leysritt to make proper undergarments for Shirou… though that moment happened only after the minutes Sella spent explaining why they weren't appropriate for a young man to Leysritt. It didn't help that Leysritt seemed to be entirely convinced that its inappropriateness only made it more moe.
Ultimately, though, Shirou had clothes to wear. After that, things had gone relatively smoothly.
Despite Sella's misgivings about leaving Kiritsugu and Irisviel alone in a room with paint, she had even bigger worries about leaving Leysritt the task of watching over Ilya and Shirou. Nothing, however, would have been as dangerous as letting anybody else cook.
Irisviel was just as reckless in making dinner as she was painting a room. If Kiritsugu cooked, Irisviel would try to help him. As for Leysritt… well, admittedly, Leysritt was capable of cooking, if she didn't let herself get distracted. "If" being the key word, of course. In the end, she just had to trust Leysritt wouldn't do anything strange.
Amazingly, everything turned out better than expected. Shirou's room had become a nice shade of blue, Leysritt hadn't tried to inflict moe on the children, and dinner was ready. It seemed like there would be no more problems…
Until they reached the dinner table.
"Ne," Ilya said suddenly, as she poked at some of her peas absentmindedly. "Where is Onii-san going to sleep?"
Irisviel smiled at her daughter. "In his bed, of course."
"…what bed?" Ilya asked.
For a moment, everybody went silent. The adults had realized that they had neglected to get any furniture for Shirou's room. There were spare blankets and pillows, but they were useless without as much as a mattress to put them on.
Shirou, too, understood this, and felt embarrassed for unintentionally putting his newfound family on the spot. "I… I can sleep on the couch," he said awkwardly, figuring that would be good enough.
His mother furrowed her blows. "No, that won't do," Irisviel said, shaking her head. "That won't do at all, Shirou. You can't sleep on the sofa."
"But mama, Leys falls asleep there all the time while watching TV."
"It's not the same thing," Leysritt said. "And besides, I sometimes have back pain afterwards."
"…I don't think that has anything to do with the sofa," Sella muttered.
"Did you say something, Sella?"
"No, not at all," Sella said, shaking her head. "But maybe we should run out real quick and get him a bed."
"Actually," Kiristugu said, stroking his chin. His eyes glanced out over to the window, looking towards the sky already filled with stars. "The stores are probably closed right now. We probably can't pick one up until tomorrow."
This was a major oversight. Really, it was a poor first impression for the family to make. Still, there had to be a solution for this.
"Ah," Leysritt said. "He can take my bed tonight."
Sella raised a brow. "I thought you said you had back pain from the sofa."
"Don't worry," Leysritt said. "I'm sure that won't be a problem tonight."
Sella wasn't exactly convinced. However, before she could inquire more…
"Well, that settles that!"
…the matter was closed cheerfully by Irisviel, who seemed to have no problems with it whatsoever.
"Is this really okay?" Shirou asked cautiously, looking at Sella for an answer.
Sella decided to avoid his gaze for the rest of dinner.
XXX
Really, Shirou felt bad. He didn't really have any problems over taking the sofa; it couldn't have been more uncomfortable than the hospital bed, after all.
"Leysritt didn't have to give up her bed," Shirou said with a pang of guilt, as he curled up in her bed.
"Who said I was giving it up?"
Shirou blinked, and immediately sat up. There, standing next to the bed, was the maid dressed in her pajamas. "Eh?" he said, blinking. "Leysritt? I thought you were sleeping on the couch."
Leysritt tilted her head curiously. "What gave you that idea?"
"Well, at the table – Sella asked you about the sofa…"
"Yes," Leysritt said; she hadn't forgotten the question, or the answer. "And I told her that it wouldn't be a problem."
XXX
End of Chapter 2