Well, I'm already having trouble staying on top of updates. I'm good at this.

Anyways, I apologize for making Dash so...ugh. She will get better, I promise! And until then, chapters may be a little short. Want to get to the interesting stuff quickly!

Also, I just watched the ME3 demo. They brought back my beloved! I'm so happy! ...And by 'beloved', I mean Kirrahe. Ahem. Enjoy.

~ PJB

~o0o~

Shepard felt like the living dead the next day. Her limbs were all...heavy, and wrong-feeling. She wanted nothing more than to just curl up in a ball and pass out for the next week. And the days events...they had just made her feel...vile. She could have saved Jenkins. If she was really the great Commander that everyone believed she was, she would have been able to keep the man under control! And then there was the...vision. More death images implanted into her mind. Just what she needed!

She buried her face in her shaking hands. Everyone told her it wasn't her fault. 'Marines die', they said. But that didn't help her in the least. She never understood how they managed to immunize themselves to the death around them. Yes, she wouldn't react around people, but here...all alone in the lower ship again, she let it all flow free. Under her breath she whispered a sincere prayer to those lost that day. Nihlus, Jenkins, the colony on Eden Prime...They hadn't been fast enough. So much for 'Dash' Shepard.

She let out a small scoff. The tears had dried up, apparently. Now she just felt life death incarnate. She pushed her blanket to the side and pulled herself to her feet using the Mako as support. She shushed her bitter thoughts, pushing them aside. Wiping her eyes, she contemplated what to do until morning. The Geth attacks probably meant even less sleep for her. She really did need to find something productive to do in the early hours of the morn. A hobby, perhaps.

Shepard tossed her blanket to the side as she stepped out of the elevator. As much as she loved the large swatch of material, it didn't exactly make her look professional if she carried it around with her all hours of the day. When people weren't looking, okay, but she never knew who she would bump into at night, if anyone.

The ship floor was cold on her bare feet and arms. She was wearing only a vest and a pair of pyjama-shorts. Why she bothered to wear night clothes if she wasn't going to sleep, she didn't really know. Maybe she should just sleep in her hard-suit, she mused. It would certainly be warmer. And maybe it would make her feel less paranoid? It was definitely a plan. A ridiculous one, but a plan nonetheless.

Eventually deciding to hunt down the mess hall and get hot chocolate, she had to try and remember where the Hell the place actually was. She had been aboard the Normandy for a while now, but she still hadn't memorized the ship's layout yet. Navigation wasn't one of her strong points. Kaidan had noticed that before. He claimed it was cute. She had just glared at him. Lucky for him, Shepard didn't mind him mocking her. She knew he meant it playfully, so she just went along with it. For now.

Shepard made sure to tread lightly around the ship. She didn't want to wake anyone unnecessarily...or at all. Her body was still trembling and her knees didn't feel completely stable. She wouldn't feel completely stable for a few days now. She had seen one of her men shot down right in front of her like he was nothing. He had been her responsibility. She felt a new tear escape, but frantically wiped it away before it dripped from her face. He efforts were futile. She was crying again.

~0o0~

Another night of Shepard looking positively pitiful again. Joker hadn't even realized he had exited the cockpit until he caught sight of Shepard in the mess hall, sobbing over a steaming mug of hot chocolate. He had, admittedly, been following her with the surveillance cameras again. He had followed her from the lower decks to the elevator, to the mess hall...most would find it pretty creepy if he told them of his little stalker-hobby.

He hadn't even thought of what he was going to say, let alone come up with an excuse to explain why he was awake, and why he was suddenly in the mess hall for no apparent reason. Coffee? That would work. He was...making coffee. At four in the morning. Freakin' flawless excuse.

"Up early, Commander?" His voice was cheerful, God knows that Shepard needed something to lighten the mood. She hadn't even heard him enter apparently, as she let out something akin to a yelp and dropped her mug in one quick movement, spilling the contents upon her lap. She winced in pain, but ignored it to carefully gather up the shards of broken porcelain from her lap.

"Um...Yes! I was...working. Too busy to sleep." Her lie was blatant, but Joker just nodded understandingly and threw her a rag to wipe the remains of chocolate fluid. She looked so nervous, it was almost sweet. Her and Joker had never really had much of a proper conversation, so he supposed it was acceptable in this situation. Especially seeing as she was only half-dressed and now covered in chocolate. Chocolate which had made her vest go most transparent. She wiped the liquid way, a light blush creeping up her tanned skin.

Her deep blue eyes were wide with panic and her shivering hadn't died down. Joker didn't point it out, still smiling gently. He wasn't exactly great with people himself, but he was determined to calm Shepard down, even slightly.

"Sorry about that." He motioned to the wrecked mug remnants. "I'm not good at this whole 'charming and friendly' bullshit." That earned him what appeared to be a fragment of a smile from the Commander. Just a very slight up-turn of her lips, but it was better than nothing.

"None can be quite as bad as Pressly." Oh, so she actually had a sense of humour? Joker laughed, remembering that he should probably do something to hide the fact that he'd come here just to bother the Commander, so he begun to make coffee. The machine was loud and obnoxious, but it broke some of the heavy atmosphere.

"Or the Captain. I don't think I've ever actually seen him...not be a total grump." Shepard giggled. She actually giggled. Now that was an accomplishment. Joker felt proud of himself, proud that this whole encounter hadn't been completely counter-productive.

"Probably doesn't help that we have to see the council and Udina tomorrow. Captain's really set on nailing Saren." Joker added, sipping from his coffee. It was still way too hot, but it didn't really bother him all that much. He raised an eyebrow as Shepard groaned.

"I just imagined the Captain nailing Saren. Well, I don't know what Saren looks like...but still. Ugh." And she even made dirty jokes. Joker was sure that him and the Commander were going to get along just fine, even if it was clear that she felt nothing but pure, uncut awkwardness at that particular moment. Joker let out another bark of laughter, this time more sincere than the other time where he had been partially laughing out of pity.

Shepard felt beyond embarrassed, but tried her best to hide it well. Only a handful of times she had spoken to the Normandy's pilot. It had even taken her a few minutes to remember his name. Well, his nickname at least. All she really knew was that he was one of the best at what he did, graduating flight school at the top of his class. She did question why he was talking to her, but mainly because he hadn't gone out of his way to do so before.

"So you think the Captain's just in denial of his creepy Turian fetish? ...Yeah, I could believe that." The man wasn't too bad. His company didn't bother her too much, and the conversation was light hearted. A nice change from the military questions she was usually bombarded with by those she encountered.

"I'm not going to be able to look at him the same again. Let's just hope we don't get any Turians on board." It was mostly just the lack of sleep that was making Shepard so talkative, but she was enjoying it. She sort of liked it when she became so over-tired that everything was amusing. It wasn't like it happened often, she might as well make the most of it. Subconsciously, she tapped her fingers on the surface top of the table, a metallic noise ringing through the hall. It almost sounded like a little song that Shepard was composing with her fingertips.

"So, what are you going to tell the council?" Just a mention of the council dampened her mood in one quick move, but at least it didn't break her completely. She wasn't going to cry again. She wouldn't let herself! Especially not in front of a crew mate.

Joker realized instantly that mentioning the council hadn't been a good move by the look on Shepard's face. "Because it probably wouldn't be acceptable to just say 'Saren's a dick, let's go get cake!', would it?" Smooth. Beyond smooth. Downright slippery. That was an odd way to describe it. Nonetheless, Joker thought he was doing pretty well here. Shepard actually seemed to think about it for a moment.

"There are no words for how much I would love to do that." Shepard was actually a little disappointed that she would no way have the courage to ever say that to their faces. She would probably just turn into the usual snivelling heap as she always did when faced with confrontation. She hated that so much about herself.

"That would...that would just be immense. If you ever do it, you will have my eternal respect, Commander." Joker punctuated this with a mock-salute and a sharp nod of his head. Shepard's smile was bitter. Courage earned respect. She had none. Or was it recklessness? Truly, it was much the same thing.

"Udina would freak. He'd probably spank me or shake his first and tell me to get off his lawn." Okay, sleepy-Shepard really did come out with some amazing gems. She would probably feel completely humiliated when she recalled this later on in the day, when she had finally got a hold of her senses.

"Was that mental image revenge for the Captain and Saren one?" Joker grimaced, rolling his eyes playfully. Shepard let out an odd combination of a yawn and a sleepy laugh. Joker's smile fell just a small bit. Shepard had been successfully hiding how tired she was, but that didn't hide the way the lack of sleep was ravaging her body. She looked so...weak. But his presence didn't seem to be bothering her. If anything, she was happy for the distraction. So, even though he was tired himself, he wouldn't leave her. For tonight, at least.